December 24 and 25
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Hi Pam;
I remember the first Christmas I spent without my mother when she died.
Despite everything bad that had happened in our relationship I cried and cried.
I think the holidays remind us of what we love about those we love,
especially when we don't have them with us to share the season.
Please don't leave and keep posting.
You and your feelings matter to us.
I remember the first Christmas I spent without my mother when she died.
Despite everything bad that had happened in our relationship I cried and cried.
I think the holidays remind us of what we love about those we love,
especially when we don't have them with us to share the season.
Please don't leave and keep posting.
You and your feelings matter to us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I can't forget about the PM. I hurt them and I'm sorry for that. I thought I was doing better until the 24th and 25th. Then everything fell apart. Almost like when it very first happened. Debbie.s daughter is in alaska now also, her husbands parents live there. She's a mess, we are all just a big mess. I haven't had one phone conversation in 72 hours where everyone wasn't bawling. I'm just exhausted by the whole thing.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
I removed a post. Please remember PMs are private messages.
If you receive a PM you think breaks our rules please report it by hitting the report button on the PM.
__________________________________________________ _______
I'm sorry you want to leave Pam and I guess this post won't convince you to stay but I hope you do.
SR can still be one of your legs. So can God if you forgive Him.
and Debbie will never die as long as she lives on in your memory.
I think you have more legs that you're allowing yourself to see right now.
I really hope, for your sake, you look into grief counselling too.
Prayers you'll find your way back
D
If you receive a PM you think breaks our rules please report it by hitting the report button on the PM.
__________________________________________________ _______
I'm sorry you want to leave Pam and I guess this post won't convince you to stay but I hope you do.
SR can still be one of your legs. So can God if you forgive Him.
and Debbie will never die as long as she lives on in your memory.
I think you have more legs that you're allowing yourself to see right now.
I really hope, for your sake, you look into grief counselling too.
Prayers you'll find your way back
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,235
I have 2 statues in my backyard. One
of Jesus that is well over 3 feet and the
other is a smaller one yet a good size
of the the Virgin Mary.
I feel so much comfort having them
in my backyard surrounded by many
pretty plants and flowers. They represent
my faith that was instilled in me from a
young age and thru out my life and recovery.
I don't have a relationship with my parents
or family which is sad, but necessary for me
in my own recovery, healthy, and life.
My relationship with my mom was not
a good one because of her own illness
with alcohol and prescription meds and
the physical, verbal and emotional abuse
I sustained from it.
Both of my parents are up in age and
I know there will be a day when they
both will leave this Earth. As for me, I
haven't a clue as to what I will do when
that time comes or how their deaths
will affect me.
Maybe my Faith and both of those
lovely statues in my backyard will
become the strength I can face or
confide in with my own thoughts and
emotions rather than taking a drink
to numb them.
No matter what kind of relationship I
have with my parents or family today,
when the time comes to face them if
I choose to, I will need to be strong
in my recovery, support in my recovery
and Faith to face whatever happens
down the road.
My Beautiful Statues will always be
there for me for whatever reason.
Maybe you can invest in a Lovely
Statue of Mary who represents
the Mother of all Moms.
You can find strength and Serenity
with Her Presence in your own heart.
of Jesus that is well over 3 feet and the
other is a smaller one yet a good size
of the the Virgin Mary.
I feel so much comfort having them
in my backyard surrounded by many
pretty plants and flowers. They represent
my faith that was instilled in me from a
young age and thru out my life and recovery.
I don't have a relationship with my parents
or family which is sad, but necessary for me
in my own recovery, healthy, and life.
My relationship with my mom was not
a good one because of her own illness
with alcohol and prescription meds and
the physical, verbal and emotional abuse
I sustained from it.
Both of my parents are up in age and
I know there will be a day when they
both will leave this Earth. As for me, I
haven't a clue as to what I will do when
that time comes or how their deaths
will affect me.
Maybe my Faith and both of those
lovely statues in my backyard will
become the strength I can face or
confide in with my own thoughts and
emotions rather than taking a drink
to numb them.
No matter what kind of relationship I
have with my parents or family today,
when the time comes to face them if
I choose to, I will need to be strong
in my recovery, support in my recovery
and Faith to face whatever happens
down the road.
My Beautiful Statues will always be
there for me for whatever reason.
Maybe you can invest in a Lovely
Statue of Mary who represents
the Mother of all Moms.
You can find strength and Serenity
with Her Presence in your own heart.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
hi pam your one of only a handful of people on this site who ever pm me trying to offer me a hand of friendship
you knew i dont believe in a god but it didnt stop you from at least trying to help me with some kind words so it stood out to me that you have the right spirit in your heart
what you have to try to do is focus on that, its what i try to do in aa is just help people who might be feeling crap
i dont mean i preach to them or dictate to them i just offer a hand and an ear as i find when people dump there problems it gives them a sense of release for a while so it helps to just talk the rubbish etc all they need is an ear and of course if there not doing anything but living in the problem then a friendly nudge in the right way helps as well
for me the only way i have coped is being hard on me
so what my son is not with me at xmas, there are others out there who have nothing so am i going to sit back stuff my face full of food or maybe offer out some sort of help to those who have nothing ?
its my escape from my own pain, it doesnt go away as it comes back again more so when i am alone in my bed etc but it can happen at anytime i can just think about him and over and over it goes but i have to keep on letting them go and the only way i have found to do that is to take me and my mind out of it by focusing on others
so when i wake up in the morning i can do 2 things
i can wake up and start thinking about my son and feeling all the hurt and pain it brings or i can wake up and text a new comer and ask how there doing
i text many people in aa as a way to start my day off and it goes on from there
do you work pam ?
i have to work to keep a roof over our heads me and the kids that is so that helps me get out and doing something else as well
there has to be a time for grieving where there is nothing else to do but hurt and cry but slowly there is way out of it
but the one thing i can not do no matter how i feel is ?????????????????
i do not pick up that first drink, there i no excuse in the world for me to pick up that first drink as i know it will not help me at all and i have to grow up now and be a real adult in my life
i dont like it but its what i must do
good luck to you pam and like i said i remember you showing me kindness a while ago thats somthing you can do for others to and watch and see how much it can help you
you knew i dont believe in a god but it didnt stop you from at least trying to help me with some kind words so it stood out to me that you have the right spirit in your heart
what you have to try to do is focus on that, its what i try to do in aa is just help people who might be feeling crap
i dont mean i preach to them or dictate to them i just offer a hand and an ear as i find when people dump there problems it gives them a sense of release for a while so it helps to just talk the rubbish etc all they need is an ear and of course if there not doing anything but living in the problem then a friendly nudge in the right way helps as well
for me the only way i have coped is being hard on me
so what my son is not with me at xmas, there are others out there who have nothing so am i going to sit back stuff my face full of food or maybe offer out some sort of help to those who have nothing ?
its my escape from my own pain, it doesnt go away as it comes back again more so when i am alone in my bed etc but it can happen at anytime i can just think about him and over and over it goes but i have to keep on letting them go and the only way i have found to do that is to take me and my mind out of it by focusing on others
so when i wake up in the morning i can do 2 things
i can wake up and start thinking about my son and feeling all the hurt and pain it brings or i can wake up and text a new comer and ask how there doing
i text many people in aa as a way to start my day off and it goes on from there
do you work pam ?
i have to work to keep a roof over our heads me and the kids that is so that helps me get out and doing something else as well
there has to be a time for grieving where there is nothing else to do but hurt and cry but slowly there is way out of it
but the one thing i can not do no matter how i feel is ?????????????????
i do not pick up that first drink, there i no excuse in the world for me to pick up that first drink as i know it will not help me at all and i have to grow up now and be a real adult in my life
i dont like it but its what i must do
good luck to you pam and like i said i remember you showing me kindness a while ago thats somthing you can do for others to and watch and see how much it can help you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
You need to get those emotions out Pam. I know its easy for me to say since I'm not going through all the pain you're dealing with, but you know it has to be done. Better to cry it out than drink to stuff it.
Wish I could drop by with a cake or something and a hug, but know I would if I could. John
Wish I could drop by with a cake or something and a hug, but know I would if I could. John
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I know when I am in pain, I am hyper-sensitive and want to hide from the world. Everything seems so upsetting. And when I try to reach out for help, by phone or otherwise, if the other party doesn't respond in a way I think they should, I get even more hurt, more withdrawn, more everything.
Putting yourself out here in SR is opening yourself up to good, bad and ugly...but I think everyone wants to help. Maybe we just don't know how. I think many people here care about you. Give them a chance if you can.
Putting yourself out here in SR is opening yourself up to good, bad and ugly...but I think everyone wants to help. Maybe we just don't know how. I think many people here care about you. Give them a chance if you can.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Raider Pam,(I think I'll think of you as a pirate from now on) the first Christmas after my grandmother died(my mother's mother) my mother, her sister and I were all in the kitchen of her sister's house. We were having coffee. I reached up into the cabinet and grabbed a mug. My grandmother's mug.
We all broke down for a good hour. Others ordered out of the kitchen and all that. We finally composed ourselves and got by.
That's how grief is. Overwhelming, crushing, so damn bad you want to do anything to escape it.
Well, we have a history of escaping life. We drink. It numbs the pain, tempers the grief. And slowly kills us the more we lean on it for relief.
We have to take the pain in order to live, Pam. It will pass, I promise. Love.
We all broke down for a good hour. Others ordered out of the kitchen and all that. We finally composed ourselves and got by.
That's how grief is. Overwhelming, crushing, so damn bad you want to do anything to escape it.
Well, we have a history of escaping life. We drink. It numbs the pain, tempers the grief. And slowly kills us the more we lean on it for relief.
We have to take the pain in order to live, Pam. It will pass, I promise. Love.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Pam, Please try this...
On Monday morning take out your health insurance card...call the number on the back and explain your circumstances to the agent. They will pre-cert you for FTF one on one counseling. This is type of depression is reactive. Speaking with someone FTF will help, I did it and you can too. it's a life preserver, please try it, if you don't like one person there will be a few on the list in your area. the cost is nominal based on your coverage...(mine was $15.00 a session). at the least it will get you away from the house and give you room to breathe.
You need to survive this trauma...feel free to PM ME if you want to. big hugs from me and the hairy ones.
On Monday morning take out your health insurance card...call the number on the back and explain your circumstances to the agent. They will pre-cert you for FTF one on one counseling. This is type of depression is reactive. Speaking with someone FTF will help, I did it and you can too. it's a life preserver, please try it, if you don't like one person there will be a few on the list in your area. the cost is nominal based on your coverage...(mine was $15.00 a session). at the least it will get you away from the house and give you room to breathe.
You need to survive this trauma...feel free to PM ME if you want to. big hugs from me and the hairy ones.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Pam.
You have a tremendous opportunity here to bring yourself to a much better place with grief counseling. I hope you don't let it slip by.
Grieving is extremely subjective, and always runs its natural course, for better or worse. Traumatic loss changes life irrevocably, but it doesn't have to end there. On my side of things, I learned to embrace working with people who'd suffered traumatic loss, heartbreak, and the loss of love. I often knew in advance that this was "the issue," but it also happened that the loss or the process of grieving came up much later in the therapy, often a loss experienced in early childhood without the benefit of a more complete grieving process. I don't think I was more focused or worked better than when I was helping someone through their grief.
Part of it was my obvious willingness to go however deeply my patients wanted to or invited me to go. I learned early on that my work in this regard was transformational for me, though this is not what I anticipated or focused on while I was doing the work. I'm there for my patients, not for self gratification. And the work was transformational for my patients...the two of us going through it together. My working through this process with them taught me a lot about my own sense of loss and the way I grieve and, as you and a couple of other people know, I've lost a lot. There is very little in life that is similar to accompanying someone through an emotional house of horrors, a loss that can never be adequately repaid or redressed.
I hope that you can get yourself to someone who's trained in grief work. You'll be giving both of you a tremendous gift, perhaps a gift that changes both your lives for the better.
You have a tremendous opportunity here to bring yourself to a much better place with grief counseling. I hope you don't let it slip by.
Grieving is extremely subjective, and always runs its natural course, for better or worse. Traumatic loss changes life irrevocably, but it doesn't have to end there. On my side of things, I learned to embrace working with people who'd suffered traumatic loss, heartbreak, and the loss of love. I often knew in advance that this was "the issue," but it also happened that the loss or the process of grieving came up much later in the therapy, often a loss experienced in early childhood without the benefit of a more complete grieving process. I don't think I was more focused or worked better than when I was helping someone through their grief.
Part of it was my obvious willingness to go however deeply my patients wanted to or invited me to go. I learned early on that my work in this regard was transformational for me, though this is not what I anticipated or focused on while I was doing the work. I'm there for my patients, not for self gratification. And the work was transformational for my patients...the two of us going through it together. My working through this process with them taught me a lot about my own sense of loss and the way I grieve and, as you and a couple of other people know, I've lost a lot. There is very little in life that is similar to accompanying someone through an emotional house of horrors, a loss that can never be adequately repaid or redressed.
I hope that you can get yourself to someone who's trained in grief work. You'll be giving both of you a tremendous gift, perhaps a gift that changes both your lives for the better.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Tons of good advice here Raider. All I would add is that you cannot fix other peoples problems or their grieving. You need to help yourself first, and nothing will change until you do. Please take the advice you've been given and seek the help you need.
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