21Hope

I've been married 19 years and have ups and downs in my marriage. We. Separated two years ago for 3 months. We got back together and it was pretty good for 1 year. This last year I have been unhappy and have turned to alcohol. I drink before I get home sometimes to feel happy. I hide it fromh husband. Of course I grab a beer right when I get home so he can't smell it.

Here is my issue: I'm unhappily married, drink booze and the last month have made poor choices of texting a guy when I was drunk. I got caught, and stopped. I'm really unhappy and want to leave my husband. He refuses and calls me a quiter. I'm trying to get myself better and clear and not drink. I'm going to housesit tomorrow for a week at the beach. I found an AA meeting to attend and want to focus on myself for a week.

He won't leave me alone and wants to fix everything and wants to support me and go to meetings with me and be by my side. The thing is I can't stand to be stand to be around him right now. I feel anger towards him and he is my trigger to drink. I tried getting sober this summer and he really didn't support me. He also hated that I was on this site and thought I was just looking for attention like on facebook.

Is it wrong to not want him going to meetings with me and taking walks with me? All he does is wants me to stay in our marriage and fix it. And I just want to stab him in the eyes with a fork!!

Help!

21Hope

Day 3 sober

Thepatman

When I was active and in a relationship, she was my trigger. Then she left, and my job became my trigger, then my mom passed away and that was my trigger, then after years gone, the sun would come up and would be my trigger.

That being said, you might have issues with your husband, but I think dealing with this sober would give you both a fair chance. Early sobriety can be an emotional roller coaster, so last summer, when you got sober, it's normal your patience was short.

Good luck, and above all, give sobriety a good shot before doing something drastic with your marriage.

strategery

21hope, I have also used alcohol to cope when I didn't want to deal with situations I was unhappy with, so I could tune them out. You need to figure out what is going to make you happy. Alcohol is not a good coping mechanism, doesn't solve anything and makes things worse in the long run.
I think you need to be honest with your husband in that you need some space. Secondly, you may need to take some time for yourself to figure out what you want in terms of your marriage as well as to work on your sobriety.

21Hope

I want to focus on myself and he wants to help me. That is what I am frustrated with! I want to do this on my own first. I want to be open and honest with myself and not worry about him judging me or hurting his feelings. He is up in my grill and it annoys the heck out of me. I know that just sounds terrible, and I do want to focus on our marriage after I work on myself first. He doesn't get that and makes me feel like I'm selfish.

He wants to read all my posts

Thepatman

Well, not to go or ask in details, but if you texted a guy, your husband might be in a state of doubt on your intentions regarding being here.

That being said, nothing prevents him from joining the site, ask for guidance in the friends and family section. This way he will engage under his own username, be able to read everything he needs to. Plus, have you considered Al-Anon for him? If he wants to help and support you, he could hit some meetings, and work on his side of the coin. Because, people that are in a relationship with someone with addiction need support of their own. You see your perspective, but he has one as well.

Dee74

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is stay sober 21hope - get some clarity about things?

I think you need to get past the 'my bad marriage/husband makes me drink' thing cos as long as you drink, nothing is likely to change very much?

D

BernieE

I agree with Strategery, be honest about needing some space, also get some counseling if you can. Focus on your sobriety. Maybe you could find some women only meetings? You need support, not someone trying to control you, and that's how it seems you are feeling, like he is trying to control you.

Anna

I agree with what Dee said, that getting sober and finding clarity is what's important right now. Have you been clear with your husband that you need space right now and want to pursue recovery on your own?

21Hope

He is very controlling and OCD and self medicates with weed daily, I just needed to confirm that I'm not making the wrong decision about trying to work on this alone for awhile. He can't fix me! I need to fix myself and he is smothering me!!!

sugarbear1

send him to al anon

Hereandnow2

I think it would be very difficult for you to engage or focus in a meeting with him there. As others said he should go to al-anon! Don't leave till you have some sober tine.

Diysherman

I don't think it would be very productive for your recovery if he was at the same meetings. Don't drink. Get a support network. Stand tough and Stay strong. Keep using this site. it helps me a lot .

esinger

My wife wouldn't leave me alone and made me want to drink. My family made me want to drink. My job made me want to drink. All the sudden they were all gone and all that was left to make me want to drink was me but it was all their fault. Got my wish and had to figure out how not to drink on my own.
Things are looking up with some sober time but kicking all my support to the curb didn't help. Wasn't their doing after all it was just the justification for my own dysfunctions in my tiny little brain.

FeelingGreat

You could try for a compromise - say a counselling session once a week. Obviously he's insecure about you, but his controlling behaviour is too crowding. He possibly knows this, but can't stop. It sounds like he could use some mental health checks, and Alanon would be a great outlet as well.
If at all possible, don't make any major decisions until you're at least a year sober.

toomuchtoolose

When I decided to quit my husband offered to quit with me. I said no be because I needed my to form my own personal relationship with sobriety first and I couldn't take the risk of having someone else 'on board' in case that have me the excuse to fail. After 6 months of me quitting I was strong enough in my own sobriety to let him join me. We're both now sober for nearly 2 years. It's interesting how your husband is supportive of everything except your desire to get sober....maybe his own addictions are clouding the issue. Go forth and lead the way!

BadCompany

This is where AA came up with closed meetings.

FreeOwl

Is there a chance your drinking is a trigger for your relationship problems..... Not the other way around?

FreeOwl

That part.... I don't think it's a 'wrong' decision. If you're in a relationship that is impairing your sobriety - then you may need time and space from it to focus in on what YOU need. Your description of his behavior seems to indicate he may also have addiction, emotional and co-dependency issues. So, there's a good chance you both could use some time spent working on yourselves before any real progress can be made in your relationship.

anattaboy

Best wishes. I drew a line in the sand and left for a week. My wife's date is 10 days after mine. I feel the same today tho. Our co-dep drinking style was very dangerous. I had to be willing to not drink no matter what and that meant leaving...temporarily. We had a good holiday so far at 6+ months. We both exercise and I've quit smoking. We support each others' growth and neither of us attend meetings. Today is National-Save-Your-Own-Ass-Day. In a marriage sometimes one needs to break away from the ropes and go solo for the betterment of both--if it's real the other will follow.