Weasel1966

I think we all have em... Or had. A box of trinkets, papers, clippings... Our life's documentation. Proof we were once this or that or sober or drugged up. Depends on what's in that box now doesn't it.

I happen to be working on condensing these sort of boxes into as few as I feel are needed to be rummaged through after I'm gone. Who will look in them then? What will I allow them to see or know of me?

Ah... The redundancy of the digital age. It's not tough enough to open past love letters... Old 4th grade report cards spelling out my early deficiencies... Pictures of a skinny kid doing what I still cannot figure out... But to also have the wonderfully detailed digital boxes to open. They tell you exact dates and times of my foolishness. An old memory stick. A camera with pictures. File folders buried in places on the computer I have not been in years. These are folders that were saved in folders so I would remember to save those folders.

It all amounts to a big pain in the box!

The thing about getting older and having these boxes laying around is there is never an epiphany in a box. There just is. Or rather what was. It's not sad or happy though that really depends on when they are opened as to the effects on my psyche.

I guess the thing I choose to take from all this is, boxes, digital or otherwise, will always be there to open. In all the corners of my mind there are stacks and stacks of these boxes. Every decade. Every experience filed high. Not always orderly. I have been a drunk druggie to many years to have left them orderly. No... I stumble on them as I see them. I open them. Sometimes I smile. Sometimes I just close them for when I am better equipped to face them. Some I know are there and I will never open them again. They are packed up for a reason.

These boxes don't threaten me like I once felt about them. Being sober over time weakens their effect. But as I reach for that next sober thing in my life I just may need something to stand on. Something sturdy under me. I think that's when all these boxes will be best put to use... No... I am sure that's when they will be best put to use.

Guess I am just letting things go. Thanks for listening.

K

Nonsensical

Boxing Day is the 26th.

Weasel1966

Too funny nons!

I hesitated postng. Feels uncomfortable to post. But I figured what the heck. Felt good to clean up more of the aftermath. Move on some.

heartcore

Weasel -

Thanks for that post. It was eloquent and touched one of my bruisey places...

I not only have physical boxes that need to be sorted through, with much of their contents discarded, and cyber boxes and emotional boxes, but actually have a storage unit in another city (!!) that contains yet more of those boxes. I am pretty sure there is not one piece of paper in that unit that would still have meaning to me, but I pay monthly to contain these memories that I cannot remember. I am terrified that if I just stopped paying and never went through those boxes, and the stuff was sold at a storage unit sale, someone would end up reading scrawled journal entries of my most horrifying and private moments.

One of my projects in sobriety will be to return to the lower 48 and sort through that pile, likely throwing 99% of it into a dumpster. After I'm done, I can calculate the thousands of dollars spent over the years to protect this one notebook and that one old letter that I could not discard...

For now, I'm slowly sorting here. I am making myself over as a new being, and likely don't need all these bits and pieces. I AM all those thoughts and experiences; they are remembered in my cells. Why do I need to hold them, to read them? And - like you - if something happened to me, there is a lot that I would not want others sorting through, both because it is private, and because it is an unfair task to set to others.

I'm hoping that this will be the theme of my next year - a concomitant discarding of old self while creating new self (the latter half of that equation being where I've put all my energy this year)...

I raise my coffee mug in a toast to the spreading Zen of my new lifestyle...

Release, release, and release. Make space. Empty.

FreeOwl

The digital side is a real challenge. Reminds me I really oughta go spend a few weeks searching and deleting at some point. Some foolishness really need not be preserved.

jerri11

Weasel and Heartcore. Both posts hit very close to home for me. Thank you.

I have many boxes of my own. But I also have many boxes from both parents and a grandmother that passed in the past eight years. Not just boxes, but also a whole house stuck in probate. Dealing (rather, NOT dealing) with all of the fallout of their passing was a big factor in my drinking.

I raise my mug of tea in response, to the spreading of same Zen in my life too. 2015 is the year that I get all of my stuff reduced down to fit into one house, instead of two houses and a storage unit. It was never, ever going to happen while I was drinking.

Dee74

Thanks for another thought provoking post K.
I hope 'after you're gone' is many decades away tho

Happy Holidays

D

Weasel1966

Heartcore... Thanks for your comments. It takes time but, for me, the sooner I address the "little" things I find I can handle the bigger things. I am a very detailed focused person. These boxes... places that have comfortableness for me... when I address them as I systematically have over the last year I never seem to feel more free as with each I open.

Of course there will always be more as I age but I just cannot, as I like to say, drag with me the baggage of the lesson. I can only take the strength from it.

Thanks Dee!

Thanks Freeowl and Jerri!

strategery

Thank you for the post Weasel. It made me think about boxes I have as well.

I had an interesting box moment not too long ago. I received a box from my sister relatively from the estate of my grandmother who passed almost 2 years ago (the estate was finally settled). I had requested a few items, which were several music boxes that I had fond memories of. When I opened that box, there were the music boxes I wanted and a brag book with my baby photos. I just sobbed since it hit me she was really gone. I guess it's one of those things I haven't really dealt with since I live out of state from my family. I refused to box them back up, but put them in my curio cabinet.

There are some boxes I have that I don't open at all. I have letters from friends that passed away to where that's all there is left of them.

ShootingStar1

I just cannot, as I like to say, drag with me the baggage of the lesson. I can only take the strength from it.

Wow, Ken, that is a sentiment to live by! Thank you.

ShootingStar1

Thepatman

I'm an idiot. All I can think of is the other "thing" in the box parody. LOL!

Sorry for my lack of seriousness weasel. No harm done I hope.

PurpleKnight

Great post Ken!!

MythOfSisyphus

There are metaphorical boxes and physical boxes. The latter can be fascinating. My dad and I were close but after he passed and I inherited a whole bunch of boxes of his stuff I found another side of him I didn't know so well. The trinkets were collect tell our story in a way; they show the things we loved and how we pursue our passions.