I want to change but am afraid

Old 12-23-2014, 02:57 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by abettersunday View Post
I live alone, have few friends, and have basically been working and then drinking the weekend away. Not really in a party mode, but by myself most of the time. I dis-like myself and the person I have become. I also have Fibromyalgia and TMJ, which are chronic pain disorders. Honestly, in my dealings with GA and seeing a therapist I am looking for ways to numb the physical pain and also the mental pain of lonliness and regrets.
I felt a pang in my heart when I read the above paragraph "better". Not of pity...but of empathy. I hear you. I get it.

I truly believe what we addicts desperately need is real and authentic "connection" with others...

I feel like I have been a master of disconnection for most of my life. I drank to both put up a "drunk wall" ...but also to connect. It didn't really make sense.
When I'm out and about...I actually avoid making eye contact with people.
I live in my lonely head... a lot... and don't open.

The other day I was having a discussion wherein we were talking about coming into contact with people only to discover we had some mutual connection..that seemed random. The person I was talking to said "I bet we were the only two people on that airplane who had ever even been to "such and such a place" and what are the odds we are seated next to one another?".

It got me thinking that perhaps the odds are very good. I couldn't help but wonder if the universe puts people in are path all the time...people we have something in common with...
But maybe are nose is in a book on that airplane...maybe we just don't feel like talking ...

Maybe we are all just one conversation away from changing everything...from falling in love...from finding a new job...from meeting a new friend.

I think the universe sets us up ...all the time.
It's up to make the connection.
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Old 12-23-2014, 04:50 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 12
Nice to know there are people out there going through the same dealings.

You know what, I was in my head a lot today and had a meeting with a cute girl at work and was making her laugh. I made the girl who fixed my sub at a diner laugh today too. I did this sober. I think we get it in our heads that we are not good enough or have some irrational fears when clearly we are good enough and more. So many times I know the answer or want to do something but am not pro-active. My social skills are not the sharpest at the moment, but that does not mean I need to get wasted.

I saw my therapist an hour or so ago and I was amazed that she told me she had been suggesting I go to AA for 3 months. I am happy I took the first step. I have some support. Walking into AA was humbling because I didn't have this guard up of "Oh my god, who is going to find out I'm a drunk" and ruin my status, which is a made-up, subjective idea. Being humbled actually felt freeing. I know I am in a very early stage, but have some hope. I have not been sober for more than 5 days in the past 7 or 8 years, so I am holding out hope that my physical condition and mental sharpness will improve as well.

Stay safe and happy holidays everyone.
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