Contemplating everything, scary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
Contemplating everything, scary
Its scary, I am sober and just hanging out. I want to cry, every part of my being is screaming for me to use something. I don't just use alcohol I use other stuff.
I got a mini miracle the cable company gave me another week to pay so crazy. Yeah for internet and phone.
Its scary being left with yourself. I forgot a long time ago, what I was like sober. I did get some sober time behind me and then messed that up.
So if I am going to be honest, I know you all read about inpatient, well I had a bed and I passed on it. I did really think I could do it on my own and didn't need help.
I do read all the replies, I've been accused of being a 'drive by poster' a reply collector and things, I am sorry some feel that way and if you do, move on. Really don't be so foolish to do the things you've accused me of. Really use logic, I made you do nothing, and aren't attacking you. Actually I just posted on a recovery site my own way and that's that. . i haven't hurt you or accused you of anything. I am pretty laid back guy with lots of issues, but I do love people and don't participate in name calling or drama. If I see spade I do call it spade, but always go to the source first. So with that, I am going to move forward. Actually I should have just let it be and had no retort, My contorted afflicted mind makes me want to defend myself. Lame isn't it?
No bother with that, the time to get help has come and gone probably. I am ignoring what I should do because of fear and not wanting to loose my crutches. I am so afraid of quitting you have no idea, I don't know how to handle real life. I just want to feel good, and be happy.
Reaching out to lots of friends and tapping every available resource. I got a message from a long time friend yesterday, where they basically told me look man I've said everything I can, and you don't listen. Don't contact me anymore. He ended it all, by tell me " get help or die" that hurts so bad.
My support mechanisms have grown thin, and nobody knows what to say anymore. Can't blame anyone, I've kind of painted myself into a corner. So my options are AA and a sponsor, Inpatient or Intensive Outpatient.
You know what those options mean to me, that means I have to quit, and be left with me. Sounds stupid right, but that scares the living hell out of me. Living with what I've done and life really does trouble me. I don't know I can do this, I am suffering as I type this because sobriety is eating at me. Just being honest.
I got a mini miracle the cable company gave me another week to pay so crazy. Yeah for internet and phone.
Its scary being left with yourself. I forgot a long time ago, what I was like sober. I did get some sober time behind me and then messed that up.
So if I am going to be honest, I know you all read about inpatient, well I had a bed and I passed on it. I did really think I could do it on my own and didn't need help.
I do read all the replies, I've been accused of being a 'drive by poster' a reply collector and things, I am sorry some feel that way and if you do, move on. Really don't be so foolish to do the things you've accused me of. Really use logic, I made you do nothing, and aren't attacking you. Actually I just posted on a recovery site my own way and that's that. . i haven't hurt you or accused you of anything. I am pretty laid back guy with lots of issues, but I do love people and don't participate in name calling or drama. If I see spade I do call it spade, but always go to the source first. So with that, I am going to move forward. Actually I should have just let it be and had no retort, My contorted afflicted mind makes me want to defend myself. Lame isn't it?
No bother with that, the time to get help has come and gone probably. I am ignoring what I should do because of fear and not wanting to loose my crutches. I am so afraid of quitting you have no idea, I don't know how to handle real life. I just want to feel good, and be happy.
Reaching out to lots of friends and tapping every available resource. I got a message from a long time friend yesterday, where they basically told me look man I've said everything I can, and you don't listen. Don't contact me anymore. He ended it all, by tell me " get help or die" that hurts so bad.
My support mechanisms have grown thin, and nobody knows what to say anymore. Can't blame anyone, I've kind of painted myself into a corner. So my options are AA and a sponsor, Inpatient or Intensive Outpatient.
You know what those options mean to me, that means I have to quit, and be left with me. Sounds stupid right, but that scares the living hell out of me. Living with what I've done and life really does trouble me. I don't know I can do this, I am suffering as I type this because sobriety is eating at me. Just being honest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Jeremy, inpatient will help you not only with sobriety (abstinence) but in dealing with life in a healthy fashion and in resolving those issues with yourself that are holding you back and blocking your way to recovery.
Please, Jeremy, go to inpatient.
Please, Jeremy, go to inpatient.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Hi Jeremy
This post and your last post have been your most honest to date
im really hoping you decide on getting help only because you have tried to do it on your own so many times and things keep getting worse
Jeremy i commend you for every try i really do
But with help you could achieve some good sober time and with you firing on all cylinders not only would you be helping yourself you would be helping many others as i know thats in your heart
Dont focus on negatives i have seen some ppl credit you directly for thier continued sobriety thats exellent no ?
I really hope you choose of your own free will to accept some help
Dont give up Jeremy sending thoughts & strenght brother
This post and your last post have been your most honest to date
im really hoping you decide on getting help only because you have tried to do it on your own so many times and things keep getting worse
Jeremy i commend you for every try i really do
But with help you could achieve some good sober time and with you firing on all cylinders not only would you be helping yourself you would be helping many others as i know thats in your heart
Dont focus on negatives i have seen some ppl credit you directly for thier continued sobriety thats exellent no ?
I really hope you choose of your own free will to accept some help
Dont give up Jeremy sending thoughts & strenght brother
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Hey, hang in there. No judgment here, I just hear another alcoholic/addict who's struggling.
If I could have made healthy decisions from the time I wanted to stop, I would have. I made a lot of bad mistakes, but I learned from them and moved on. Still am learning. You're still alive, so you can still learn and move forward.
It is scary to be alone sometimes. Thankfully in recovery circles, you don't have to be alone. I spent a lot of time in AA and in online forums when I first got sober.
I hope you'll make the decision that's right for you. Sometimes the thing that scares us the most is the thing we most need to do.
Please don't give up on yourself. I see your honesty shining through and as long as you're willing, you have a chance to get sober.
Sending you as much encouragement as I can.
If I could have made healthy decisions from the time I wanted to stop, I would have. I made a lot of bad mistakes, but I learned from them and moved on. Still am learning. You're still alive, so you can still learn and move forward.
It is scary to be alone sometimes. Thankfully in recovery circles, you don't have to be alone. I spent a lot of time in AA and in online forums when I first got sober.
I hope you'll make the decision that's right for you. Sometimes the thing that scares us the most is the thing we most need to do.
Please don't give up on yourself. I see your honesty shining through and as long as you're willing, you have a chance to get sober.
Sending you as much encouragement as I can.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
PS Wanted to add that being stuck alone with myself sober is a whole lot better than being stuck alone with myself drunk.
And my mental/emotional health problems were much easier to treat once I had sobered up.
Best to you.
And my mental/emotional health problems were much easier to treat once I had sobered up.
Best to you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Jeremy, in my opinion, your options are limited to how you are going to get into an inpatient facility. That is, if you make it long enough to get there. Please, please take yourself somewhere so that you can get professional help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again.
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.
To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy.
He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you.
To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy.
He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
Yes, it is scary, Jeremy. It isn't going to be any less scary later. You KNOW what you need to do. Do it while you are scared, because it is never going to be less scary.
You said yourself that you liked it when you were inpatient a few weeks back. Do it for a longer period of time and you will still like it. They will help you and you won't have anything to be concerned with other than getting better and learning how to continue to take care of yourself. If you're anything like me, you won't want to leave because you will feel so safe there.
Please, Jeremy...go inpatient and be safe. You will be so glad you did.
You said yourself that you liked it when you were inpatient a few weeks back. Do it for a longer period of time and you will still like it. They will help you and you won't have anything to be concerned with other than getting better and learning how to continue to take care of yourself. If you're anything like me, you won't want to leave because you will feel so safe there.
Please, Jeremy...go inpatient and be safe. You will be so glad you did.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Hi Jeremy - I just wanted to say that in retrospect my post on your previous thread was not compassionate or constructive. It has been bothering me, and I want to apologize. It sounds like things have been really difficult for you, and I wish you all the best.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Thatdeliveryguy,
I have followed your story for some time here. Coming from the F&F side, I don't normally post here as I have no experience to share. I do hope that you will find the courage to do something for your own future very soon, and that you will come to believe that you are worth it even if you are scared.
I would also humbly point out that 'contemplating everything' is....well....not actually doing something. All of these people really care about you, your family, and your future. But you are, after all, the only one who can take action.
Prayers for you and your family and future. S
I have followed your story for some time here. Coming from the F&F side, I don't normally post here as I have no experience to share. I do hope that you will find the courage to do something for your own future very soon, and that you will come to believe that you are worth it even if you are scared.
I would also humbly point out that 'contemplating everything' is....well....not actually doing something. All of these people really care about you, your family, and your future. But you are, after all, the only one who can take action.
Prayers for you and your family and future. S
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
The time for healing is never 'been and gone' Jeremy - it's not like we get one shot at this.
We get as many shots at change and recovery as we make
Thinking about things and ruminating can be good - but it can be bad if it becomes an end in itself.
I am glad you're sober again J...but I am really looking forward to a thread sometime very soon where you tell us about the action you're taking, man.
D
We get as many shots at change and recovery as we make
Thinking about things and ruminating can be good - but it can be bad if it becomes an end in itself.
I am glad you're sober again J...but I am really looking forward to a thread sometime very soon where you tell us about the action you're taking, man.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Jeremy I would like to ask you two questions which you don't need to be answered here, they simply need some thought on your part.
Do you have any alcohol or drugs (other than prescribed medication) in your home at the moment?
Have you made a step toward recovery today?
Do you have any alcohol or drugs (other than prescribed medication) in your home at the moment?
Have you made a step toward recovery today?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
Jeremy, that fear that you speak of, it is very real, the fear you feel is real...it is your intellectual and physical mechanism to tell you enough, no more... get help...don't falter....that fear is there to propel you forward... use it...to act and seek assistance and accept it anyway it comes...Jeremy, you are an intelligent guy...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
Isn't your daughter a big enough reason to quit once and for all and accept proper help.
Doesn't she deserve a father she can be proud of and look up to?
You're big on thinking but no action comes of it.
Do it before it's too late
Doesn't she deserve a father she can be proud of and look up to?
You're big on thinking but no action comes of it.
Do it before it's too late
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I'm baffled, and sad Jeremy.
Take a moment and watch this, the guy doesn't have arms or legs and he is moving in life.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JdZ6y9dNSsc
I have to take a break from this situation, it's wearing me down man. But will keep an eye open for a progress thread. Take care Jeremy.
Pat
Take a moment and watch this, the guy doesn't have arms or legs and he is moving in life.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JdZ6y9dNSsc
I have to take a break from this situation, it's wearing me down man. But will keep an eye open for a progress thread. Take care Jeremy.
Pat
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