Relationships in Early Sobriety
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Relationships in Early Sobriety
Just wanted to share my thoughts really. I know it's a common question on SR about when to start dating or when is too soon to get involved with a new person after getting sober.
It had never really been an issue for me as I was married when I stopped drinking. However, a combination of me stopping drinking and many other factors led me to the decision to leave my husband.
I would never have had any intentions of dating again (I'm 40) or going out to pubs etc and meeting new people as I used to in my 20s. However, I have been close friends with a man for over 12 months now and we have both recently realized that there is more to it than friendship. I did not leave my husband for him as would have done that anyway. However, now I am single it seems natural to see how things progress.
I have been sober for 2 years and my life has improved so much. I'm healthier, happier and have made many fundamental emotional, spiritual and lifestyle changes, mainly for the better.
Anyway, last night I went on a 'date' Bearing in mind this is a man I know very well,we are close friends and share much and I'm comfortable in my sobriety. Without going into too much detail we started talking, things didn't go the way I wanted/expected/thought they would. I got upset and wham-the overpowering urge to drink hit me. I was not expecting it. Of course I've had cravings over the last year or so but they are pretty fleeting and short. This was intense. My AV was out and playing. The conversation in my head, the persuasion, trying to tell me to drink, It was the worse it has ever been. I thought of the actual drink I would have-jsut a bottle of wine but oh would that be enough? What else could I get, is it too late to go to the shop? These were serious thoughts in my mind.
I very nearly drank -it was the closest I've been in a very long time. In the cold light of day I think it was a combination of:
- past experiences. I've always drunk on dates to relax, feel more confident etc
- If it wasn't going well I drank, easy to forget
- The panic I felt, oh this conversation isn't going the way I expected,
- just the whole new relationship thing. I feel vulnerable . I know you have to be slightly vulnerable to let anyone in and to love and be loved you are opening you heart and may get hurt. The fear of getting hurt made me want to drink to block it out/stop it happening.
That's what I thought of doing last night because that is what I had always done in relationships
It's true when people say it's not just stopping drinkign it's changing your life-mentally as well as physically. So I'm starting out on a new phase of my life too, as we all are I suppose. I do not have the answers and am certainly not saying don't date at all. just be cautious.I do think that waiting a decent period of time -months, even years, is really sound advice. I had no idea the old cravings would hit me with such ferocity in an emotionally charged situation. It's certainly taught me to be cautious and aware and not be too comfortable in sobriety. If I only had a few months sobriety I am pretty darn sure I would have drunk and it really woulodn't have been worth it.
It had never really been an issue for me as I was married when I stopped drinking. However, a combination of me stopping drinking and many other factors led me to the decision to leave my husband.
I would never have had any intentions of dating again (I'm 40) or going out to pubs etc and meeting new people as I used to in my 20s. However, I have been close friends with a man for over 12 months now and we have both recently realized that there is more to it than friendship. I did not leave my husband for him as would have done that anyway. However, now I am single it seems natural to see how things progress.
I have been sober for 2 years and my life has improved so much. I'm healthier, happier and have made many fundamental emotional, spiritual and lifestyle changes, mainly for the better.
Anyway, last night I went on a 'date' Bearing in mind this is a man I know very well,we are close friends and share much and I'm comfortable in my sobriety. Without going into too much detail we started talking, things didn't go the way I wanted/expected/thought they would. I got upset and wham-the overpowering urge to drink hit me. I was not expecting it. Of course I've had cravings over the last year or so but they are pretty fleeting and short. This was intense. My AV was out and playing. The conversation in my head, the persuasion, trying to tell me to drink, It was the worse it has ever been. I thought of the actual drink I would have-jsut a bottle of wine but oh would that be enough? What else could I get, is it too late to go to the shop? These were serious thoughts in my mind.
I very nearly drank -it was the closest I've been in a very long time. In the cold light of day I think it was a combination of:
- past experiences. I've always drunk on dates to relax, feel more confident etc
- If it wasn't going well I drank, easy to forget
- The panic I felt, oh this conversation isn't going the way I expected,
- just the whole new relationship thing. I feel vulnerable . I know you have to be slightly vulnerable to let anyone in and to love and be loved you are opening you heart and may get hurt. The fear of getting hurt made me want to drink to block it out/stop it happening.
That's what I thought of doing last night because that is what I had always done in relationships
It's true when people say it's not just stopping drinkign it's changing your life-mentally as well as physically. So I'm starting out on a new phase of my life too, as we all are I suppose. I do not have the answers and am certainly not saying don't date at all. just be cautious.I do think that waiting a decent period of time -months, even years, is really sound advice. I had no idea the old cravings would hit me with such ferocity in an emotionally charged situation. It's certainly taught me to be cautious and aware and not be too comfortable in sobriety. If I only had a few months sobriety I am pretty darn sure I would have drunk and it really woulodn't have been worth it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by Anna 
Ah, those darn 'expectations'. They can always cause me upset. I'm glad you got through the evening and stayed sober.
I should know by now that people just don't quite do or say what we want them to. Thanks Anna-I feel a mixture of huge relief but also nervous about how close I did come to it.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,039
Ready -- I'm sorry you had a bad time of it, but very glad you made it through without drinking.
What you posted that really resonated with me was this:
Alcohol was my #1 protection against getting hurt. I still have a hard line of walls and mazes and nobody really gets in. At some point, I'd like to let someone in, but I don't even know what that means. I'm afraid of being open but I wish I could be.
The best I can say is to take it very very slowly and be honest with your partner about your fears. And don't invest everything you have emotionally into any one other person. Keep putting your sobriety and your sense of self first.
I know you have a good strong sense of right and wrong and what's good and makes sense for you. Trust that more than anything.
What you posted that really resonated with me was this:
I feel vulnerable . I know you have to be slightly vulnerable to let anyone in and to love and be loved you are opening you heart and may get hurt. The fear of getting hurt made me want to drink to block it out/stop it happening.
The best I can say is to take it very very slowly and be honest with your partner about your fears. And don't invest everything you have emotionally into any one other person. Keep putting your sobriety and your sense of self first.
I know you have a good strong sense of right and wrong and what's good and makes sense for you. Trust that more than anything.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Sorry I missed this RAL.
I know you're over 12 months, but there's a reason why it's suggested not to get into anything new for 12 months in recovery - relationships, especially new ones, are really hard.
The important thing is you felt the urge, fought it and beat it
your self awareness is an awesome weapon RAL - listen to it and you'll be ok
D
I know you're over 12 months, but there's a reason why it's suggested not to get into anything new for 12 months in recovery - relationships, especially new ones, are really hard.
The important thing is you felt the urge, fought it and beat it
your self awareness is an awesome weapon RAL - listen to it and you'll be ok
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi RAL, thanks for posting that, I don't feel so alone in my experience, which was very similar.
I also dated a good friend who I thought was safe as he was also in recovery and we had a history of being very open with each other about our histories, our lives, etc. I was a year sober (just!) when we started dating.
All I can say now is thank goodness I had AA, a solid group of friends in the fellowship, and SR or I would have drank a long time ago.
Unlike you who recognized it right away as not being a good idea, I tried to stay and "fix it" for months and with each passing day, got closer and closer to a drink. One day last summer I was at my (normie) friend's house and for the first time in 18 months considered opening a beer. Even to the point of picking it up and walking around the kitchen with it. I was so overwhelmed by what I was feeling and how sad the situation was, that I felt like that was the only way to cope with it. That beer would have led me right down to hell again, and quick.
Not worth it. No one is worth my sobriety. And I was not at all ready to deal with all the emotions and complexities that come with a relationship, even with a year under my belt.
I learned, but I caused myself months of needless suffering and put my sobriety (and my life) at risk. Glad you figured it out sooner than I did.
Thanks again for the post.
I also dated a good friend who I thought was safe as he was also in recovery and we had a history of being very open with each other about our histories, our lives, etc. I was a year sober (just!) when we started dating.
All I can say now is thank goodness I had AA, a solid group of friends in the fellowship, and SR or I would have drank a long time ago.
Unlike you who recognized it right away as not being a good idea, I tried to stay and "fix it" for months and with each passing day, got closer and closer to a drink. One day last summer I was at my (normie) friend's house and for the first time in 18 months considered opening a beer. Even to the point of picking it up and walking around the kitchen with it. I was so overwhelmed by what I was feeling and how sad the situation was, that I felt like that was the only way to cope with it. That beer would have led me right down to hell again, and quick.
Not worth it. No one is worth my sobriety. And I was not at all ready to deal with all the emotions and complexities that come with a relationship, even with a year under my belt.
I learned, but I caused myself months of needless suffering and put my sobriety (and my life) at risk. Glad you figured it out sooner than I did.
Thanks again for the post.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi RAL, as someone with more than 2 years myself, I totally relate to your post. It happened to me when I went into a bottle shop to get some Guinness for a stew. Not surprising, except I'd grabbed cooking wine or spirits several times before that no problem; this was however my local and it was the first time I'd been back there. Wham!
Like you I was able to resist, in fact I knew I wasn't going to cave and I was able to 'observe' the strong cravings as if they were happening to someone else.
An experience like yours can make you so much stronger, by getting rid of complacency. Seriously, you sound rock solid. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope for.
Like you I was able to resist, in fact I knew I wasn't going to cave and I was able to 'observe' the strong cravings as if they were happening to someone else.
An experience like yours can make you so much stronger, by getting rid of complacency. Seriously, you sound rock solid. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope for.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by courage2
The best I can say is to take it very very slowly and be honest with your partner about your fears. And don't invest everything you have emotionally into any one other person. Keep putting your sobriety and your sense of self first.
We talked and I felt much better. We are taking it slowly. At the end of the day what will be will be. I now have no expectations and cannot control how another person thinks or feels.
Thank you for reminding me NOT to invest all my emotional stuff into one person. I really needed to hear that as was on the verge of doing that.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Sorry I missed this RAL.
I know you're over 12 months, but there's a reason why it's suggested not to get into anything new for 12 months in recovery - relationships, especially new ones, are really hard.
The important thing is you felt the urge, fought it and beat it
your self awareness is an awesome weapon RAL - listen to it and you'll be ok
D
I know you're over 12 months, but there's a reason why it's suggested not to get into anything new for 12 months in recovery - relationships, especially new ones, are really hard.
The important thing is you felt the urge, fought it and beat it
your self awareness is an awesome weapon RAL - listen to it and you'll be ok
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Ptcapote
Hi RAL, thanks for posting that, I don't feel so alone in my experience, which was very similar.
I also dated a good friend who I thought was safe as he was also in recovery and we had a history of being very open with each other about our histories, our lives, etc. I was a year sober (just!) when we started dating.
All I can say now is thank goodness I had AA, a solid group of friends in the fellowship, and SR or I would have drank a long time ago.
Unlike you who recognized it right away as not being a good idea, I tried to stay and "fix it" for months and with each passing day, got closer and closer to a drink. One day last summer I was at my (normie) friend's house and for the first time in 18 months considered opening a beer. Even to the point of picking it up and walking around the kitchen with it. I was so overwhelmed by what I was feeling and how sad the situation was, that I felt like that was the only way to cope with it. That beer would have led me right down to hell again, and quick.
Not worth it. No one is worth my sobriety. And I was not at all ready to deal with all the emotions and complexities that come with a relationship, even with a year under my belt.
I learned, but I caused myself months of needless suffering and put my sobriety (and my life) at risk. Glad you figured it out sooner than I did.
Thanks again for the post.
I also dated a good friend who I thought was safe as he was also in recovery and we had a history of being very open with each other about our histories, our lives, etc. I was a year sober (just!) when we started dating.
All I can say now is thank goodness I had AA, a solid group of friends in the fellowship, and SR or I would have drank a long time ago.
Unlike you who recognized it right away as not being a good idea, I tried to stay and "fix it" for months and with each passing day, got closer and closer to a drink. One day last summer I was at my (normie) friend's house and for the first time in 18 months considered opening a beer. Even to the point of picking it up and walking around the kitchen with it. I was so overwhelmed by what I was feeling and how sad the situation was, that I felt like that was the only way to cope with it. That beer would have led me right down to hell again, and quick.
Not worth it. No one is worth my sobriety. And I was not at all ready to deal with all the emotions and complexities that come with a relationship, even with a year under my belt.
I learned, but I caused myself months of needless suffering and put my sobriety (and my life) at risk. Glad you figured it out sooner than I did.
Thanks again for the post.
You are right though- no one and nothing is worth my sobriety. I will put myself and my child first.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi RAL, as someone with more than 2 years myself, I totally relate to your post. It happened to me when I went into a bottle shop to get some Guinness for a stew. Not surprising, except I'd grabbed cooking wine or spirits several times before that no problem; this was however my local and it was the first time I'd been back there. Wham!
Like you I was able to resist, in fact I knew I wasn't going to cave and I was able to 'observe' the strong cravings as if they were happening to someone else.
An experience like yours can make you so much stronger, by getting rid of complacency. Seriously, you sound rock solid. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope for.
Like you I was able to resist, in fact I knew I wasn't going to cave and I was able to 'observe' the strong cravings as if they were happening to someone else.
An experience like yours can make you so much stronger, by getting rid of complacency. Seriously, you sound rock solid. I hope your new relationship is everything you hope for.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I'm sorry it didn't go well.
I tried raise the point this week in another thread that dating or trying to get into a relationship in recovery can be extremely challenging, for someone like me.
Sharing my direct experience didn't come across to well.
I will make a second attempt:
1- it can be stressful, trigger
2- Not your case here, but the other can be a normal drinker, trigger
3- We are barely starting to re-define our core values, those can differ from the other persons core values. Trigger
4- if like me, the only other relationships I ever had were booze based. Trigger
5- if we fall in love and things come crashing, trigger
6- many new relationships, after the honeymoon is over, can involve arguing, trigger
7- Alcoholism is very tied in to emotions, and so do relationships.
I could go on. I am not trying to make anyone "listen to Pat". Just sharing my point. So bare me with the comments I got this week. Because they triggered me. Don't agree, ignore me.
Hope you can find someone that matches you, and congrats for your 2 years!
I tried raise the point this week in another thread that dating or trying to get into a relationship in recovery can be extremely challenging, for someone like me.
Sharing my direct experience didn't come across to well.
I will make a second attempt:
1- it can be stressful, trigger
2- Not your case here, but the other can be a normal drinker, trigger
3- We are barely starting to re-define our core values, those can differ from the other persons core values. Trigger
4- if like me, the only other relationships I ever had were booze based. Trigger
5- if we fall in love and things come crashing, trigger
6- many new relationships, after the honeymoon is over, can involve arguing, trigger
7- Alcoholism is very tied in to emotions, and so do relationships.
I could go on. I am not trying to make anyone "listen to Pat". Just sharing my point. So bare me with the comments I got this week. Because they triggered me. Don't agree, ignore me.
Hope you can find someone that matches you, and congrats for your 2 years!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Thepatman
I'm sorry it didn't go well.
I tried raise the point this week in another thread that dating or trying to get into a relationship in recovery can be extremely challenging, for someone like me.
Sharing my direct experience didn't come across to well.
I will make a second attempt:
1- it can be stressful, trigger
2- Not your case here, but the other can be a normal drinker, trigger
3- We are barely starting to re-define our core values, those can differ from the other persons core values. Trigger
4- if like me, the only other relationships I ever had were booze based. Trigger
5- if we fall in love and things come crashing, trigger
6- many new relationships, after the honeymoon is over, can involve arguing, trigger
7- Alcoholism is very tied in to emotions, and so do relationships.
I could go on. I am not trying to make anyone "listen to Pat". Just sharing my point. So bare me with the comments I got this week. Because they triggered me. Don't agree, ignore me.
Hope you can find someone that matches you, and congrats for your 2 years!
I tried raise the point this week in another thread that dating or trying to get into a relationship in recovery can be extremely challenging, for someone like me.
Sharing my direct experience didn't come across to well.
I will make a second attempt:
1- it can be stressful, trigger
2- Not your case here, but the other can be a normal drinker, trigger
3- We are barely starting to re-define our core values, those can differ from the other persons core values. Trigger
4- if like me, the only other relationships I ever had were booze based. Trigger
5- if we fall in love and things come crashing, trigger
6- many new relationships, after the honeymoon is over, can involve arguing, trigger
7- Alcoholism is very tied in to emotions, and so do relationships.
I could go on. I am not trying to make anyone "listen to Pat". Just sharing my point. So bare me with the comments I got this week. Because they triggered me. Don't agree, ignore me.
Hope you can find someone that matches you, and congrats for your 2 years!
The situation the other night wasn't even a "right that's it, it's over, I don't want to see you anymore." It was just a misinterpretation, a reading too much into something that was said. We are still close and seeing how it will go. But that fact I reacted as I did over something so small, in effect, just shows how scary the whole thing is. More so for us with alcohol problems.
I do need to take a step back but am able to do that with clear sight at this stage. If I were 3, 6 or even 10 months sober I would not be able to. I would just drink.
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