anattaboy

Ok, so you have to do 61 over. Your journal is so nice to visit. Your pics remind me of W. North Carolina Appalachians. Get back on the horse and keep on posting.

snowbunting

I want to write an update now about what happened and what is going to happen now.

When I drank last night I was three hours deep into a massive anxiety attack that was not going away, that I couldn't control even a little bit, and that was preventing me from doing the things I usually do if I have the urge to drink. It was a deeply unpleasant, physically painful feeling and I desperately, desperately wanted it to stop. (I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just trying to describe what was going on). So, I eventually replaced the anxiety attack with drunkeness. I drank one bottle of wine, which had a much bigger effect on me now that my tolerance has gone down from being sober, and went to bed pretty drunk. I now have a hangover.

Things I have learned:

- I need to go back on my anxiety medication and am doing so TODAY. I will also call my Dr to discuss this with him.

- I am not going to drink again, and am dumping what is left

- Anxiety is the root of my alcohol problem, and always has been. I've suffered from anxiety my whole life, and alcohol became a problem for me as soon as I realised that I could use it to alleviate my symptoms. This connection is a complete no-brainer.

- Therefore, the most important thing in my life apart from maintaining my sobriety, is treating my anxiety.

- Therefore I'm going back on my medication, and I'm not going to come off it, even though I will be having IVF this year (which is the reason I came off it two weeks ago). I've read some studies this morning about IVF and the medication in question, and it appears to be safe to take.

- I'm going to be sober this Christmas, next Christmas, and all the ones after that.

Thank you again for your support everyone, I'm sorry I drank anyway, but I'm not spiralling down and I'm not going anywhere.

snowbunting

71, and thanks I'm back on that horse.

snowbunting

Fair enough. I guess I just interpreted it to mean that if I posted and then drank anyway, it would have been fairer of me to just not have posted. I didn't mean to waste anybody's time. But I appreciate the honesty, of course.

Croissant

Yep, you totally misinterpreted my post.

But it definitely is heartbreaking to see someone ask for help, then scroll down and read that they drank anyway. I also posted a link to the write a letter to alcohol thread, which I shared as I personally I found helpful after I relapsed.

If you found the honesty of the sadness in my post offensive, maybe it's a good indicator of how alcohol skews ones perceptions and responses.

All the best.

snowbunting

It wasn't the honesty that got me, just the implication that I wasted everyone's time. But then I suppose I did. Honesty is always good!

Anyway, I'm back on the wagon now. Thanks for the link.

BernieE

A friend experienced a rebound panic attack that took her to ER and an overnight in the hospital after she weaned herself off anti anxiety meds. I'm glad you'll be seeing your doctor.

You sound good today, back on track. (((Hugs)))

ishallnotwant

Glad you're here Snowbunting. I love you for your honesty and courage. My prayer is that you can get your anxiety under control and continue to be an inspiration to those of us who need your experience and wisdom. love, love

sickofthiscrap

Something I have found helpful with people/situations that cause me anger or anxiety is to simply disengage. Refuse to deal with them to the greatest extent possible. If you have to deal with the neighbours for legal reasons get an intermediary. Otherwise shut the door and windows and refuse to speak to them. Harsh maybe but it works.

FreeOwl

Like Dee I don't think the point was guilt, though we alcoholics react with guilt frequently when we know we are wrong...

I had the same reaction.

Reading the thread I was so hopeful for you... You were here, reaching out, asking for help and getting it. You were able to make a choice - and you chose to drink.

My heart sunk when I read your choice.

It sunk for you, it sunk because I've been there. My disappointment was a mourning.

I hope today you wake up, get rid of any alcohol in your house, get to a meeting and start anew with active measures to strengthen your sobriety. Start today by asking 'please, help me' - then go forward and take action to allow that help to come.

FreeOwl

Also I'm not a doctor - but I will suggest there is a very good chance that ALCOHOL is the root of your anxiety problem.

There are many other ways of dealing with anxiety. I have shared that struggle.

Do the work. It's not just about meds.... You need to do the work.

snowbunting

Alcohol does cause anxiety, yes, but alcohol is not the root of my anxiety problem. I've had an anxiety problem since I was a very young child. I didn't begin to have an alcohol problem until my mid-twenties.

When you say 'do the work', what do you mean? I know that anxiety isn't just about the meds, and I have come a long way with self-acceptance and learning to let things go, and I think I've grown a lot since I started on the journey to sobriety. None of this happens overnight of course, it's a gradual process and takes effort and patience. That said, anxiety is also a chemical disorder in my brain: it's there because of a combination of genetic inheritance and specific deprivations in early infancy and childhood. I don't want to dwell on that, but it's worth acknowledging at least. I have to do the best with what I have.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your kindness and understanding. I'm so glad to be looking forward to a sober tomorrow with you all.

SoberLeigh

My heart sunk, too, snowbunting, when I read that you were drinking the wine.

It struck me early on, as a part of SR, how 'vested' we are in each other's sobriety, how very much we want to see each other succeed, and how it 'hurts' when one of our members slips.

Really happy to see you 'back' this morning, snowbunting. Anxiety can be very problematic, even debilitating. The good news is that it can be so successfully treated in many, many cases. I think that the trick is to understand our anxiety, recognize its triggers, and stay on top of it. And thank heavens there are meds for treatment for the chemical imbalance that aggravates or contributes to anxiety.

Have you tried or looked into meditation or meditative yoga? I have a couple of friends who swear by it.

We are in this together, snowbunting.

Croissant

^exactly SoberLeigh and Freeowl....that was the point I was making in my original post.

We've all been there, it's hard to see others go through it when you hope they won't pick up. Please read the dear alcohol thread at some point, snowbunting...you will see how we've all had the AV knocking at our door. I just feel that thread always reflects the regret that comes afterwards and find it helpful in remembering that I HATE alcohol, even when I crave it.

Soberwolf

Snowbunting the best option by far is sdobriety

Glad your bk

Ellay

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) another big hug for you. So glad to see you back. When I was reading your post about your anxiety attack, I started to get that familiar heart squeezing, chest tightening panic feeling - just from your words alone. I totally get you, and understand the need for a drink to stop it. I really really do. Is it possible for your Dr to prescribe a fast acting pill that you can take when you start to feel an attack coming on?

Thepatman

Rooting for you!

Dee74

It's a major contributing factor tho

I had pre-existing anxiety too - but alcohol (and withdrawal) ramped it up so much I couldn't leave my room

with a little sober time, a little work and effort, my anxiety is the best it's ever been now

D

snowbunting

Thanks so much everybody for your concern and support The effects of the hangover are starting to wear off now - it takes about a week for the awful sump-pit feeling of sluggishness to go away though, so I'm looking forward to shrugging that off my shoulders soon.

SoberLeigh, I had started yoga in October when I got sober, and I do admit that I had stopped doing it regularly a few weeks before I drank again. I'm definitely going to start it up again, no question, at home now and at classes after Christmas.

Ellay, sorry you suffer with anxiety attacks too. They go away completely when I'm on medication, so hopefully I won't need any extra presecription from my Dr. I'm so relieved to be taking the meds again And I'll know not to neglect my yoga now too.

SoberLeigh

Hugs back to you, snowbunting. Hope that sump-pit sluggishness dissipates more quickly than you anticipate.

Here for you, always.