Thatdeliveryguy

So I am not going to do one of my crazy prolong outrageous self serving post. So I am going to be me. I am depressed and sad.

I am at a point where I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop! Its sad, I've watched so many people leave my life, I've watched everything I care about go away.

Barring some sort of miracle, I will lose my internet connection some time today I can't afford to pay them. I just wanted everyone to know what happened if I disappear for a few.

Really for all my bravado and pomp, I don't do anything.....

I am going to be honest I hide behind mental illness because its easy. Its an excuse, the reality is its an excuse. Yes I have issues, but those issues aren't the ticket to ride the drunk bus.

I don't connect often in real life or on here with people. In some ways I fake a persona. I don't want anyone to know me, it hurts being me. The shame is incredible, yes i take myself off my medications so I don't have to face reality.

Nobody blames a crazy guy right? Its just sad and horrible, the state took my daughter, no job, limited friends, no nothing. It hurts so damn bad, so I go off to lala land, I don't want anyone to know me. Deep down I am a very troubled person.

I am lucid right now, and just being me! It hurts and it hurts and I just want to get help and stop drinking.

I used to be a disability advocate, I was instrumental in changing disability policy in my state. I fought for my daughter and others. Now I need to fight for myself.

Reality scares me, I scare me, addiction scares me. Its robbing me of everything, I suppose I get some of the best advice ever, but want to drink. That is one thing I will forever fault myself for, I get tons of help and the alcoholic addicted me, sabotages me and tells me I can't do this......

So thats me being me, about as raw as I will ever post. Don't know what else to say, thanks for reading.

feeling-good

TDL - just want to say I care and I read this and my thoughts are with you

feeling-good

Hey - I just realised TDL does not in fact stand for ThatDeliveryGuy - lol! Sorry! Should be TDG!! Whatever happens, know that there are many people here at SR who do care about you and wish the best outcome for you that is at all possible.

feeling-good

OK - one last message for now - I have to go now and do something with my day - Please do come back when you can and let me know how you have been doing. Until then, god be with you.

FeelingGreat

TDG - I hope you can work through it and out the other side. My thoughts are with you. Don't give up.

trachemys

Jeremy, if you want to pee, then by all means go pee. But, if you want to drink, you have the choice to not drink. You have the choice. It's a choice.

Dee74

My prayers and best wishes go with you Jeremy.
I hope you'll fight again - fight for what you need.

You can do this

D

sprout50

Jeremy, This is why you need inpatient, long term help. You say you don't know what to do or how to stop. That is what rehab is for. Unfortunately, you keep refusiing and fightiing against any help offered to you. Keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting what you get.

Are you finally ready to go to rehab? Your situation is serious and it can get worse. Everyone here wants to help you but the truth is, we can't. We have no control over what you are doing. YOU have to help you. You want your life back? Take it! Take your meds and go to rehab.

SoberLeigh

Jeremy.

When I try and wrap my head around the magnitude of your pain, I become almost breathless. When I think of Jeremy, I think:

"Turmoil rages within. The mind wages war with the heart - on the battleground of the soul".

Lay down your weapons, Jeremy. Call a truce.

Seek effective treatment. Please, Jeremy, go to inpatient.

We care enormously for you.

BernieE

Jeremy, it's heart-breaking to see you losing everything you hold dear. It appears you will soon be homeless as well. You are an adult and you have the right to make those choices.

Your daughter, though. She has lost everything, both parents, her home, her family. Her sense of who she is. That just takes my breath away.

Please go to inpatient.

neferkamichael

Thatdeliveryguy, Merry Christmas, rootin for ya.

Altoids

I care, Jeremy. Prayers for peace as you find your path to continuous sobriety.

BTW - when you GET this, you are gonna be the most AWESOME advocate!!! I cannot wait to see what you are gonna do. You are on the cusp. Take the leap. Go inpatient, get the help you need and want.

Hevyn

You have many friends here J - and we're not going to give up on you. Never give up on your chance to have a good life and to end the pain you're feeling. Whatever needs to be done - I pray you will do it.

DrunkTx

Hey TDG - I have to admit that when reading your other posts, I often zone out because you seem helpless. This post does seem different though. You are starting to come through, and that's good! My suggestion is this: try to work with this TDG persona. It is real, it is scared and it sounds ready. They are going to shut off your internet - try and experience that sober. Guess what, when the Internet is gone, you will still be there, eating, breathing, and eventually sleeping. As suffocating as losing your daughter may be, you are still eating, breathing, sleeping. The point is: with all the adversity and all the pain, you are still you! That's half the battle, understanding that you aren't going to die, you aren't going to shrink, you quite literally should stand in front of the mirror while the Internet is disconnected - and I assure you, there will be no difference in Jeremy. That's the big secret, all the pain, embarrassment, suffocation.....it's in our own minds. Practically and physically - we are still people, the same people.
That is actually the key problem in liquor - it is the substance that makes the person on the other side of the problem, a different person. An ugly person, a delusional person, a cowering person, a person who hides. Try and experience the pain without the liquor, and I promise you will see that you can handle it. And when you realize it, you deal with it. Don't let the liquor change the man in the mirror (MJ reference).

ScottFromWI

If you are lucid as you say, please read this. You DO know what to do, and you do know how to stop. You've known for months and you have been told literally hundreds of times by dozens of people here. Your wife knows too, and somehow through all of this she still want to see you get better to. You view it as her "trying to get you committed", but she is trying to help you get better.

I only quoted that sentence of your post because the rest is not relevant at this point. We know all the rest and so do you. You simply have one choice...call the hospital and get help you know you need, or don't. Don't blame your choice on lack of knowledge.

bunnezjp

Hey Jeremy, folks here have been telling you - no, PLEADING you, BEGGING you to get the help you need. For months. You have chosen again and again not to listen. The fact that they still extend their sympathy and prayers to you at all is beyond my comprehension. They (you all here at SR) are truly good people. I highly, HIGHLY suggest that you LISTEN TO THEM. And not come back in a few days with a another trumped-up alcohol-induced off-your-meds pity-seeking sob story on why you can't do it. Seek your Peace.

Bunnez

Tonks

I like the honesty in this post. Thanks, Delivery Guy.

Ultramarathoner

I continue to wish you the courage to be well.

HeartsAfire

This. Over & over again.

Thepatman

You are posting, means part of you wants to get better.
Don't know what to do, but the answer is right in front of you.
You are coherent and intelligent and able to make simple choices.
You have a daughter and a reason to fight for.

There is absolutely no logical reason or anything preventing you from picking up the phone, calling 911, sitting for the ride and letting the system take over and help you. 4 words is all you need to say, "I need help now".

Hope you make the move Jeremy. Rooting for you as always. But I hope you see that people are trying to help you, and WALKING ON EGG SHELLS to avoid making you close in on yourself. Not easy man, not easy.