Briar

I've been reading some threads from people who have been sober for years (the big kids ). I'm trying to take in what they're saying and learn what I can. But honestly, it scares me. Years in, they deal with complicated things. They seem very aware of their mental and spiritual conditions, and they talk about the work they do in these areas. I can't wrap my mind around a lot of it. I thought maybe I would listen to them and think hey, that sounds awesome, I want that, but instead I'm thinking I don't even understand what that means.

Most of it is very positive. They describe lives full of joy and possibility. They talk about spiritual strength and wholeness. It sounds wonderful, but I can't fathom how to manage that kind of abundance. A bigger, brighter life seems overwhelming. I thought maybe as the difficulty of early sobriety wears off, life becomes simpler, but that is hardly what I see here.

I feel like a fifth grader peeking into a calculus class. Impressed but terrified to be there myself, afraid I will never understand. Just the resolve these folks have and their commitment to sobriety is far beyond mine. I wish I could say I am 100% committed to sobriety for life no matter what, but just thinking that freaks me out. I don't even really know what it means.

I realize it is early on, and I know I have a tendency to look too far ahead and freak out over stuff I don't understand and therefore can't control, but I'm struggling to give this up to faith. I'm not sure how to get through tomorrow, and here I see the future holds challenges I can't even comprehend. I am intimidated by the magnitude of what I've taken on.

andyroo72

Hey there Briar,

A really interesting post. Like you, I feel very very young in terms of not just sobreity, but life in general. I really haven't got a lot of experience of doing this life thing for me, without hiding majorly from myself.

I guess for me the truth is I am really inexperienced in a lot of ways. I know life's very short, but I know I'm going to fit a lot of learning into mine. I'm not sure where that will take me- I don't know if we ever do know that kind of stuff.

Sorry, I don't know if that's at all useful :=]

TopEndChick

Hey Briar. I am feeling a lot of the same things. I'm trying not to over think things. I don't think we will always feel this mystified if we just keep on.

I remember many times I felt so intimidated just by the thought of stopping for one day - it just didn't seem possible. Hang in there, and I will too

Dee74

.

Dee74

I started just like you, maybe even a little behind your mark.
I'd drunk all day everyday for 5 years.

Everything in my life was a reason to drink.

I was emotionally stunted, self indulged and not clue one on how to be a real person let alone an adult.

But I knew drinking would kill me.

I needed to commit to living sober no matter what.

I started with day one, then day two...and so on..

Change did not come smoothly or quickly but I finally saw the wisdom of one day at a time cos thats how all of us live our lives...

The more days sober I racked up the more I learned the more my perspective changed and the more I realised I'd been giving my self a real rough time for years -

sure I had some serious issues to deal with, but I wasn't nearly as bad, incompetent or as fundamentally effed up as I'd come to believe.

Noone comes into this with all the answers. I had to do hard graft and put in some serious time to get this 'wise'.

Was I a chronic future tripper. Check.
Was I an emotional hot mess., Check.
Did I think about drinking for a long time. Check.
Was I disgusted with myself. Check.
Did I despair that I'd not make it. Check.
Did the old timers seem a foreign and arcane race to me, possessed of wisdom I would never have? Check.

Did I want to be further on...hell yes LOL. Check to the max.

But someone once asked me 'what if this, right now, is where you're meant to be, right now?'....blew my mind.

Have tried to remember that ever since

D

Buggirl

I look to the future now and I am excited by the thought of not drinking but it took me 3 months to accept.

DoubleBarrel

One thing that is really important is that all we really have is the present.

Don't let yourself start freaking out about the distant future. It will arrive the same as everything else. Things that don't make sense now will emerge in time.

It's a well worn cliche for a reason. One day at a time.

Just as you didn't develop an addiction all at once, you cannot fathom everything that you will undergo in recovery all at once either.

It's a great journey. One of self discovery, empowerment, and yes, there will be trying times too. But getting through those sober is extremely gratifying and enlightening.

Hang in there, and just be open, and honest, and grateful, and you'll do fine.

mecanix

no-one with any time got there in a new york minute .

Just get through the days , it all seems quite overwhelming until it doesn't in my experience .

Do the best you can today to get through, see where you are and what choices you can make in the morning

Bestwishes, m

venuscat

You know, I had in my mind a few things to say, and then I read Dee's post...I don't think anyone could say it better here Briar.

I allowed the fear of not ever being able to measure up to the 'big kids' hold me back for quite a while. What I understand now without a doubt is that we can grow into the mature adults we wish to be a little more every day. And we can only know this if we actually do it.

V xx

lillyknitting

Every single one of us has struggles throughout life from time to time. The only difference or I would say added extra for me is I remain sober. Just for now. Just for today. Everything else will get better if I don't drink just for today. I can't fathom all the rest of life's complications. I just need to be sober today. Hope this helps xx

Lorax1981

If it makes you feel any better, I'm coming up on four years and my life's still all jacked up:-) JK! I do believe it's one day at a time, that's the beauty but also the hard part. Keep at it, dig deep, most of all, you gotta let it happen. It's tough but worth it!
-Ted

awuh1

Interesting thoughts Brair. Nobody has handed a script, for life, to any of us. We all have to make our own way. I have a few years of sobriety now. That gives me a different perspective on things. Later sobriety is not nearly as difficult as it might seem to you now. In fact its a whole lot easier than it was in the beginning when sobriety was new there was so much to learn and adjust to.

The thing that made it easier for me was to have a framework to work within. It boiled down to making a decision about what I was going to use to base my decisions upon. There were so many considerations, and so many decisions in the beginning. It was very overwhelming. I needed to chart a different course, but that meant changing some of my values.

AA helped me with that. It was not like I swallowed AA hook line and sinker, but there were a few things that I heard there that made sense. I realized that my drinking was a very selfish thing. It was all about me. It was all about feeling good, or sometimes, just not feeling so bad. I wanted something they talked about in AA. They talked about "freedom from the boundaries of self". I didn't even know what that meant, but the people who used that phrase, well, they had something. You could see it in their eyes. You could hear it in their voice. It took a long time for me to understand what was being talked about.

I'm sure this all sounds a sort of like the calculus you referred to, so let me put it like this.

If you strive to live your life for the greater good, that is, you attempt to live it so that the product of your actions results in the greatest good for the greatest number, and is not centered around yourself and the desire to feel good, then that's exactly what will happen. You will feel good. I'm not talking about feeling good directly, as by ingesting a substance to change your mood or even through something like spending money. I'm talking about bringing good into the lives of others.

Freedom from the boundaries of self is a life made meaningful as the result of leading a principled existence, and happiness then becomes the byproduct of that process, not the goal.

It gets easier, and it gets better. All the best to you.

MelindaFlowers

Hey Briar,

I always love reading your thoughts and can always relate so much. I am new to sobriety at almost six months.

I take a very pragmatic view of sobriety. Alcohol had to go so I could get on with life. Simple as that. I may be an alcoholic, yes, but I'm a pretty normal person who does normal things. When I reach five years, let's say of sobriety, I will be living a good life professionally and personally. I am really optimistic about it. I knew that wouldn't have happened with alcohol in my life.

I too have wondered if I'd become some spiritually-evolved person in sobriety but nah, I'm just kinda me, rolling with the punches and doing my best. I like a practical, meat and potatoes approach. I am a non-drinker. I am also a professional, tennis player, traveler, etc. although I will always be one drink away from the hell I lived for eight years, I'm just getting on with life.

I often post on here that I am far from a sobriety cheerleader, in the way that my sobriety has been a huge relief but kinda "ho hum" at the same time. I feel so much better and I am truly functioning at my potential now. Life is..... Good. No holy roller, dancing celebration of sobriety here. I do check in here as my sobriety program. I am aware that it takes work, no doubt, but I have a whole life that doesn't revolve around sobriety. In fact, most of my life even when I was drinking didn't really involve drinking. Working didn't involve drinking. Going to the mall did not involve drinking. Rollerskating at the park did not involve drinking. So I like to think of most of my life is kind of continuing as normal. Just minus the nasty debilitating hangovers!

I used always look at the former addicts who have been clean and sober for like five or more years and seem to lead totally normal healthy lives and don't even think about using or drinking. I have a cousin like that. He was a heroin at it, in and out of rehab in jail, stole money from family, and seemed like a lost cause. Well that was about 10 years ago and now he is a totally centered normal happy guy, father, and husband. As far as I know his life doesn't even include much sobriety work. He just close the door on that chapter in God on with it.

I'm not sure if all of that made sense but that's kind of how I look at it. We have busy lives to lead and as long as we stay sober, whatever way that is, then we're off to a really good start

Eddiebuckle

Briar,

Thanks for the post. On Monday I will have five years sobriety, which I guess makes me more pre-pubescent than adult. I remember when I was close to my one year mark, and I was really out of sorts: anxious, short tempered, and not sleeping well. I came to the conclusion that when I picked up a metal chip (I am in AA) as opposed to all the plastic ones that preceded it, somehow I was committing to never drinking again.

When I told my sponsor about this mind turd I was carrying around, he laughed. I was annoyed at his reaction, and he said "Eddie, it's just another day, just like today. That chip is for them, not you." He was right, of course. Next Monday I will have 1826 days sober. Special? Hell yes. But then again, so were the other 1825.

The spirituality and all the gob smacking insights come over time. All you need to do is stay honest, open, and teachable and it will all fall into place. There is nothing special about the "old timers" other than they did what they had to do, one day at a time.

Nonsensical

What causes fear of a sober life?

When I answered this question to my own satisfaction I stopped freaking out about it.

least

I've got five years sober and I got there one day at a time. I try not to think too much of the future, just today. Today is all I've got so I try to make it the best.

sugarbear1

just don't drink today.

desypete

life happens if your 1 year 10 years or 40 years sober

the only difference is the people who are long term sober have lived through so much and still stayed sober

you can not expect me to be happy joyus and free in my life at the moment with the death of my son, but i am still sober thats what counts, so long as people are living life and still being sober and able to deal with all sorts of hardships in life that is were the buck stops

i hear the new sober members all looking for this magic that is going to make every day of the lives full of excitement and fun and never have to worry again about anything

sadly living sober is not like that at all as life can kick us in the teeth and often will i felt like i was missing out on somthing by being sober but not being happy about being sober until i came to understand i am sober

i am grateful to be sober and thats it, can anyone imagine what would happen to me should i have taken a drink to try to help me cope with my pain and suffering ?
where would i be today ?

this is all there is to it is knowing that no matter what goes on in life around me i do not have to pick up a drink on it. this is the freedom from it all i can cope without a drink. and that is the amazing thing about it as i drank on anything and everything

as the years go by i have started to understand more and as more and more of lifes experiences have been faced and stayed sober i have grown to see that i never needed to drink on them

you can not get 10 years sober living until you have done 10 years, the down side to it is you will be 10 years older so what is the hurry to get there ?

just focus on each day your alive and well as tomorrow could be the last day, my son was only 16 and full of health etc and then it only took just one day to change everything in life right around.

aasharon90

Good topic and much appreciated Briar.

I too looked at the long term sobrietors,
members as intimidating when I began
my recovery journey many one days at
a time sober years ago.

All I could say was I want what they
have. That these folks are in an awesome
place and I want to be there too. How
awesome it is to not have one single
drink for a long period of time as these
folks did.

I learned over time that these folks
live in recovery. They incorporate
tools and knowledge of a recovery
program in their everyday life. In
all they do. In all their affairs.

For each of the many many meetings
I attended, I listened, learned, absorbed
and applied the teachings of my elders
to my own life.

I held on to the hope that what they
were teaching me of how to stay sober
each day that I too would one day
experience the joy, the happiness,
the freedom that so many have
experiences already in recovery.

All I could do was sit there in my
chair and hang on to every wisdom
word these guys shared with me and
many. I soooo wanted what they had.

The wisdom of recovery.

In order to achieve that wisdom, I had
to experience it. I had to live it. And it
wasn't gonna happen over night.

Each of those elders spoke the same
language of recovery. The same teachings
of a recovery program that was freely
taught and passed on to them. They
were so freely passing them on to me.

Now that time has passed and I have
been living in recovery for some 24 yrs
with a many one days at a time sober
added together, I have the wisdom that
so many before me have had. I have been
gaining experiences thru the yrs. so that
I can pass them on to you and others.

How are folks gonna know what life
in recovery was and is like before,
during and after addiction if the elders
don't pass on their own experiences,
strengths and hopes to the newcomers?

There are many recovery program
available to all who want them and
it doesn't cost a cent to sit, listen,
learn, absorb and apply what is being
taught about living a life in recovery
with a program of recovery to follow.

I truly, deeply wanted, desired what
the elders had and have in life and that
is the experience, wisdom and now I
pass on the hope to others that if I can
achieve it then you can too.

desypete

the was a guy who is almost 50 years sober at a meeting a few years ago he is very well known around the rooms

his wife of 50 years had sadly died and he sat there in the meeting sharing his pain

he didn't quote the steps, he didn't quote wonderful words of wisdom, he just opened up and was being honest with us all in the room

thats what he has done for all his years around aa he lives the steps he believes in a god but he came to the meeting and did like we all do and just shared his pain with us all and many of us helped him

i wanted to wrap him up in cotton wool as he is a lovely man and has helped thousands of people over his years around
but i couldnt do anything to help him other than give him a hug and let him know i feel for him

but what that man passed on to me was priceless, as when my own son got ill and died i always remembered just what it was he did
he didnt run off to pick up a drink on losing his wife, he got to an aa meeting and shared his pain and he kept on doing it being around his own kind of people

he has come through that and has had to face life going home alone now from meetings i know how hard it is for the man but he still shows me by example what i must do as well and thats help others it might sound noble or saintly but its not its simply how it has to be otherwise i will end up living in my own pain and start to cut aa out and then go down that road again and i still have that desire i had when i first went to aa as i dont want to drink today

so thats how things get passed around in meeting not by mere words but the actions of others

i just copied what he did when he was in pain and it worked for him and it worked for me and still works today if i work it that is
the only thing i have got right so far on my jorney is that i dont pick up that first drink, and i keep on coming back they were the first things ever said to me in an aa room so i did what they suggested and i still do today as its clear to me just how powerful those 2 simple things really mean to an alcoholic who ends up in pain
dont pick up that first drink, keep coming back