Heartache
 

I went out to dinner tonight with my boyfriend, my dad, and his girlfriend. I have always been extremely close to my dad until recently. He knows I have had issues with drinking in the past, but does not know I go to AA or have stopped drinking for good. It's not that he would disapprove, but I have disappointed him so much in the past with my relationships, career choices, and financial issues that I can't bear to burden him with anything else. Anyways, at dinner he was pretty tipsy and out of no where he started bringing up the past and how I got away with SO much. He kept telling me how lucky I am to even be alive after drinking and driving and literally re hashed every single drunken stooper I was ever in to the whole table. He's never done this before. I śtarted to relive all of those memories, and its like he was pouring salt into an open wound, my heart is just breaking. Dinner was ruined I started crying and pushed my boyfriend out of his chair and we left. These feelings are so raw and I feel so helpless and empty inside. This could not have come at a worse time. I guess I am not strong enough to handle these e,options right now. I don't know what to say to my dad after tonight :(

How rude. Oh my, I can see why you are upset. Nobody wants their dirty laundry aired in public like that. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Shame on your dad for doing this. God bless you and heal your heart.

Stay strong Blueyes. We are here for you.

right now, you don't need to say anything to him.

give it some time, and it will come to you./ maybe you'll just forgive him. maybe you'll decide to tell him how upsetting and rude he was. maybe you'll draw new boundaries.
who knows?

do something nice for yourself, breathe, take care of yourself right now and give yourself time to figure out what you want to do.

That sucks...but look at the steps you are now taking to better your life! Hang in there and don't let this incident bring you down. :You_Rock_

That is mortifying blueeyes and I am sorry you had to go through that. *hugs*

Geeze! I'm sorry you had to go through that! No advice here but I will keep you in my prayers!

Oh, Hun, you don't need that. Maybe lay low for a bit, because if he has a problem with your past, that ain't your problem. Good job so far :)

Bunnez

(((BlueEyes))) I'm so sorry :(

You got some good advice here. You mentioned he was tipsy: do you think that it is possible that there was a little part of him that was worried about his own drinking and was projecting onto you now that you are sober? Family can have some very strange reactions when folks go sober, especially if they are still drinking and even if, supposedly, they say that is what they wants. (Matilda types as she thinks about heading home on Saturday. Girds loins).

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all but humans are a weird animal and often hit out at others rather than see face up to things. Maybe as your dad he feels guilty he didn't 'protect you' from life's pitfalls.

My dad was an alcoholic and used to tell me it was my fault for being such a difficult child - I was about 12 at the time!

His comments have very understandably hurt you but him feeling he had to say it shows he has 'the issue' so he needs to man up and sort himself out - you've faced up to your own demons which is mega!!

Putting myself in his girlfriends shoes, boy would I have ripped him apart when we got home!!

Xx

Thanks for the support and advice everyone. Haven't heard a thing from my dad since last night. @matilda- my dad would never ever consider his drinking a "problem". He was born and raised in Germany and his drinking has been part of his every day life. I remember him always having a beer or two at dinner every night than one afterward, he also drank a lot of hard liquor, probably a shot of schnapps each night and weekends he would have more. I've seen my dad drunk a handful of times, mostly at parties my parents would throw when they would hire bartenders and caterers to serve everyone and the liquor went down like water. I remember being a young teenager and I came downstairs during one of my parents parties and my dad had me take my first shot of vodka (my mom was NOT happy) but of course I wanted to. I got so sick that night and I remember my mom screaming at my dad and his response was that "she needs to try it some time she is half german!" Sounded funny at the time.
I called my mom this morning and told her what my dad did last night (they've been divorced for 6 years).she felt sad for me, and said it didn't surprise her at all. She said that every time he drank he was a vile, nasty drunk their whole marriage. He's made so many women cry at parties and other social events she lost count. There is no compassion for anyone when he drinks she said. This makes me very sad, because now I know why I got so nasty when I drank heavily. He had the same look In his eyes last night that I got while intoxicated. Never saw this side of my dad. Trying to cope with this as best I can....

Hi Blueyes sorry your father acted like that

My father is the same if not worse he gets drunk constantly and is lost in his own world

We dont talk no more

That is very sad about what your mother said about your father, blueeyes. While it neither exonerates nor lessens the pain of his behavior, it seems like it is part of a pattern of abusiveness towards women when drinking.

I would imagine that your father does not think he has a problem. I don't think anyone in my family thinks they do either. Shoot, I didn't think I had a problem until I really admitted it to myself a few months ago. I am sure that your sobriety is very frightening to him because no longer can he use your drinking as evidence that he isn't "that bad." All subconscious, which makes it impossible to discuss with him.

I'd give him some space and surround yourself with people who care and support you. You have done such a wonderful job, blueeyes, and I'm truly inspired by your achievements and grateful for the wisdom you've shared on SR. I still think of you dancing at that party a few weeks ago and it makes me smile. xx

Wow, that is a really tough situation to be in. I don't agree with what your father did. Just know that there is support out there and coming to SR is a great way to find it. Keep your head up!

You certainly outclassed your father and no matter what horrible things he said, you are the one who can hold your head high. Bravo. Keep up the good work!

Wow, your dad's behaviour was shameful. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Good for you for getting up and leaving.

My suggestion is to distance yourself from your dad, at least until you feel strong enough to deal with endless insults from him.

This is just me, but I put up with a lot of stuff from people before I drank and during the years I was drinking. When I stopped drinking and began recovery, I vowed that I would never allow that to happen to me again. I removed some people from my life, I am very careful who I spend time with and I will never allow myself to be abused that way again.

I'm thinking your Dad might be remorseful when he sobers up and remembers.

He might not even remember.

I know now that I don't drink, I often forget or don't realise how much others have consumed and what they may say or do is a result of that.

Thats despite me being convinced after every drink I had that I had upset someone or said something bad.

Its not nice behaviour.
You are right to feel upset and hurt.
Take it day by day and you will come to an understanding about how you need to handle his behaviour and tackle it.

I wish you the best xx