I feel so alone
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Have you considered that you mom may have to give up her martyrdom
as the "long suffering mother"
now that you're sober and employed?
She may be resisting this change in you because it means she too will have to change.
My mother told me "you never finish anything" for thirty plus years, but actually I "managed to finish" a BA, two MA degrees and a PhD. She just couldn't "allow" me to outgrow her opinion.
I think you are doing great. Don't let what she says affect you so much--maybe practice more detachment whenever she opens her mouth.
I also think no contact would be best. Barring that, minimize and detach.
Hugs
as the "long suffering mother"
now that you're sober and employed?
She may be resisting this change in you because it means she too will have to change.
My mother told me "you never finish anything" for thirty plus years, but actually I "managed to finish" a BA, two MA degrees and a PhD. She just couldn't "allow" me to outgrow her opinion.
I think you are doing great. Don't let what she says affect you so much--maybe practice more detachment whenever she opens her mouth.
I also think no contact would be best. Barring that, minimize and detach.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by jaynie04 
"non-chosen relationships" can be some of the most confusing because most societies perpetuate the myth that all mothers have their children's best interest in mind. Not all mothers do, and words can bruise just as much as hands. I have followed your posts for a long time. I might suggest reading up on toxic mothers…it might help.
Tetra, I too read and follow your posts and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are still struggling with your mother and her nastiness. I truly relate to you, Tetra.
Janie is right on here. I also believe my mother struggles from a personality disorder. I really wish I had the wisdom to cut ties with my mother years ago. I just figured if I tried a bit harder or gave a bit more, then she would come around and we would have a "normal" loving mother-daughter relationship. It took me years to finally accept the fact that that dream was not possible to obtain. And, it was not for a lack of effort on my part. In the end, I finally had enough. I have not talked to her in over four years and I do not miss her in the slightest.
Only you can decide when you have had enough and that you do not deserve her constant negative criticisms (by the way, constant negative criticism is a means of control).
In reading your posts and remembering your history, I too think it is best for you to go no contact for a while. I know it is sad and probably not what you want. But, it seems like it would be in your best interest.
You have worked so hard and have come so far. And you deserve to be happy and you should surround yourself with people who appreciate you and build you up.
And, CONGRATULATIONS to you on your sobriety!!!
Hang in there, Tetra. You are doing an amazing job. You should be very proud of yourself! xoxo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by Tetra
Thank you all.
Today I told her that I did not wish to talk to her because she says things things that are not true and she hurts me. Then I hung up the phone.
So we shall see...
Today I told her that I did not wish to talk to her because she says things things that are not true and she hurts me. Then I hung up the phone.
So we shall see...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hugs Tetra! You did a good thing setting a boundary. You know the things your mother says aren't true but it doesn't diminish the hurt. A time out from her? A break?
You are really doing well. We are with you.
You are really doing well. We are with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Sparta, NJ
Posts: 14
I have caused alot of pain. It has been almost three years but my family still has fears, resentments and anxiety. There is nothing I can do to help them except do the right thing today. Time. Patience. These are qualities I don't have, being a true alcoholic, but I am working for progress. You mom is going take time. Assure her and move on, unfortunately, this is not your problem
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
I had to go no contact because me setting boundaries for my folks just made them worse - I was even more the ungrateful son that way - 'after all we've done for you....'
I finally worked out that trying to change them, me setting boundaries for them, was futile. I can only set boundaries for myself.
My boundary was to go no contact for a while - and when we did reconvene, my parents changed a little - by their choice...and so did I
D
I finally worked out that trying to change them, me setting boundaries for them, was futile. I can only set boundaries for myself.
My boundary was to go no contact for a while - and when we did reconvene, my parents changed a little - by their choice...and so did I
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Originally Posted by Tetra
Thank you all.
Today I told her that I did not wish to talk to her because she says things things that are not true and she hurts me. Then I hung up the phone.
So we shall see...
Today I told her that I did not wish to talk to her because she says things things that are not true and she hurts me. Then I hung up the phone.
So we shall see...
But I would not waste any more breath next time.
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