Notices

Do I help addicts financially when it's family

Old 12-16-2014, 11:20 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
Unhappy Do I help addicts financially when it's family

My father is an addict drugs and alcohol, he spends all their money on drugs and always ask me or my recovering brother for money, I've got to the point where I started buying food instead of giving money, just because I feel bad for my mom, but now he knows they won't starve so he's still spending all their money. Their both disabled and get money once a month, it's TOTALLY GONE in two weeks. I have a family and we struggle financially, I have 2 kids in college and it's so hard on us. I don't know what to do, I feel myself getting really angry. Any advice or anyone who's experienced this who might just understand would be helpful,, anything. The holidays are here theyre broke, I'm struggling,, idk wat to do.
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 11:26 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
There is a fine point between enabling and helping, especially with family. In your case it seems to me that you may be doing the former at this point. I am not in your situation so I cannot fully understand it or tell you what to do, but my inclination would be to cut it off - you shouldn't be sacrificing the well being of your own immediate family for the irresponsibility of others.

We do have a friends and family forum here as well where you may find some more support from people in the same situation...the link is below.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 11:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
Thanks

Thank You, I'm really having a hard time. Thanks for your reply and your help with links, I'm very new here and every little bit of info helps. I don't want to end up posting in the wrong place or chatting where I'm not suppose to.
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 01:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,046
Welcome to SR
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 01:48 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 100,088
Welcome to the family from a fellow Buckeye.
least is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 01:50 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
A warm welcome to SR.

I would encourage him to go to a free inpatient program like Salvation Army. I would not give him any more money. If you give him items, give them to him after you take the wrapping off if possible or mark out UPC codes so he cannot return them to the store.

I encourage you to read, read, and read some more on this site.

Hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 01:58 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 62,128
I would not give them anymore money. It's making you stressed for your family finances and resentful, naturally. You can encourage treatment for recovery but I wouldn't continue giving money.
Anna is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 02:26 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,707
my older kids had to get hard on both me and there mum, they were covering up for us as we were both 24 / 7 drunks, the older kids got to the end of there rope trying to help us, they sided with social workers to remover the 2 smaller kids from our care even though it was going to break the family up they had no other choice, either do that or keep on looking after the 2 drunken parents ?

the good news is that at least one of us got sober and got the kids back while the other sadly is still out there drinking and living in that mad world

so there standing firm paid off, i hated my older kids at the time it was all going on and i blamed them for me losing my small ones
i blamed anything on me losing the little ones other than the truth and that was me and my drinking that cost me the little ones

anyway like i say it ended up good in the end i have had the kids back for the last 9 years and me and the older kids have made up all they ever wanted was there mum and dad to be sober as they loved us when sober and its all any kid wants and deserves

so i will not tell you what to do but only maybe you might see the only way out of it is to really make your parents face up to themselves like my older kids did to me and there mum
desypete is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 02:43 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
It's so hard watching my family go through this, I have an older sister who's overdosed multiple times, the last I heard she had just been released from a 90 day jail sentence and no one has heard from her since. I haven't spoke to her in a couple years, my brother was using and was put in jail for a few months, my husband and I picked him up from jail helped him with food, money, a place to stay, and transportation until he got a job and got his lisence back and he's been clean now 16 mos as of Dec 6th. we talk almost daily, he visits few times weekly. I just wish I could help them all, but they just don't want it.
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-16-2014, 04:06 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Wellington
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Jfhi99 View Post
My father is an addict drugs and alcohol, he spends all their money on drugs and always ask me or my recovering brother for money, I've got to the point where I started buying food instead of giving money, just because I feel bad for my mom, but now he knows they won't starve so he's still spending all their money. Their both disabled and get money once a month, it's TOTALLY GONE in two weeks. I have a family and we struggle financially, I have 2 kids in college and it's so hard on us. I don't know what to do, I feel myself getting really angry. Any advice or anyone who's experienced this who might just understand would be helpful,, anything. The holidays are here theyre broke, I'm struggling,, idk wat to do.
I have the same problem :-( I thought I was doing my family member a favour by getting necessities in groceries, turns out just made her rely on me more... I would text to see how she is, and all she would reply with was that she is starving, breaks my heart.. all I want to do is wrap her up and give her everything she dosnt have, but I know that would enable her, with the drugs shes taking she is not only not thinking right but drugs make you so damn selfish :-( I had to ignore her texts... hope you come to a balance xx
Trinah is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:27 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
It's been hard, especially with my mom living there and hurting and doing without so much. When he runs out of money and meds he goes to hospital and comes back with something,, I feel like calling the hospitals, but surely they have to recognize an addict. My brother got a $50 gift card from work,, he gave it to my mom for Christmas dinner and she just broke down crying. They don't even have a tree up. My dad will benefit from the dinner, but I can't stand to see my mom hurting over all this. She has health issues and can't even drive anymore. Can we have my dad put in some kind of facility against his will?? If they see his withdrawals, will they try to find the REAL problem and try to help him?? Is it even possible to have him committed somewhere against his will? Am I a mean person??? I'm so confused. 😢
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:49 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
At some point, if the ability to make logical decisions is no longer an option for the person addicted, forcing them to go to a facility could easily save their life.

So maybe it's an option for your dad. (You are not a mean person bwt, never think that)
Thepatman is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:53 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I am really sorry to hear you are going thru all this. You sound very caring and very distraught. First of all, I think you need to focus on yourself. The others will find a way, but you cannot take on the burden of so many people. You will burn yourself out very quickly.

And I don't think you can have someone committed against his/her will. They have to be a clear and present danger to themselves (threatening suicide) or others (threaten or try to physically harm someone).

Your dad has to go to rehab on his own.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:54 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
There's addiction in my family. My sister is an addict she has lost all 4 of her boys ages 25-15 the youngest has a disease that's killing him slowly, he probably don't have but a few more years, but her addiction has been going on since way before her first child. The last time I seen her she was laying naked in the middle of an elder mans living room unconscious,,,, he refused to have any cops or ambulances at his house, he couldn't even help me carry her to my car , I was so scared, I drove her as fast as I could to ER, her BP was dropping so bad they made me leave the room, after 30 min or so they were able to start bringing it back up, wen I asked the doc wat was wrong with her he showed me her arms legs and BREAST, they looked like a road map, 😢😢
I never even "truly" believed she was using needles, I heard she was but I never seen any proof. She was in icu for 4 days, when she woke up and was able to talk to me, she asked me to try to get her released so she could go back to that mans house, said she had left her things there,,, well her things were her remaining drugs, I was just Sad, she didn't know the doc showed me all her tracks, she said she just drank too much and took a couple pills.
My mom told me she had a warrant so I called the sheriff, they met me at the hospital on her release date, she was so excited about leaving and going back to that mans house but I knew who was waiting outside the door, she never knew I did it, but I felt like it saved her for at least the 60 days she was in jail, but unfortunately she got out and went right back to using. Does this ever end??
I'm suppose to have anterior cervical discectomy fusion c5-c6-c7 surgery, but I'm scared to death I'll need pain meds and get addicted. I know I really won't but I have caught myself fearing that. The meds I do get for pain I hide, cuz I'm afraid my dad will come over and find them,, he's akways asking if I've been to doctor, am I hurting? I know he don't really care, he just wants to know if I have some Gabbys (that's wat he calls the) or pain or muscle pills. I won't even get my meds anymore unless I'm hurting so bad that it's interfering with my family or work. it's a sad situation.
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:55 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I am really sorry to hear you are going thru all this. You sound very caring and very distraught. First of all, I think you need to focus on yourself. The others will find a way, but you cannot take on the burden of so many people. You will burn yourself out very quickly.

And I don't think you can have someone committed against his/her will. They have to be a clear and present danger to themselves (threatening suicide) or others (threaten or try to physically harm someone).

Your dad has to go to rehab on his own.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:56 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
There's addiction in my family. My sister is an addict she has lost all 4 of her boys ages 25-15 the youngest has a disease that's killing him slowly, he probably don't have but a few more years, but her addiction has been going on since way before her first child. The last time I seen her she was laying naked in the middle of an elder mans living room unconscious,,,, he refused to have any cops or ambulances at his house, he couldn't even help me carry her to my car , I was so scared, I drove her as fast as I could to ER, her BP was dropping so bad they made me leave the room, after 30 min or so they were able to start bringing it back up, wen I asked the doc wat was wrong with her he showed me her arms legs and BREAST, they looked like a road map, 😢😢
I never even "truly" believed she was using needles, I heard she was but I never seen any proof. She was in icu for 4 days, when she woke up and was able to talk to me, she asked me to try to get her released so she could go back to that mans house, said she had left her things there,,, well her things were her remaining drugs, I was just Sad, she didn't know the doc showed me all her tracks, she said she just drank too much and took a couple pills.
My mom told me she had a warrant so I called the sheriff, they met me at the hospital on her release date, she was so excited about leaving and going back to that mans house but I knew who was waiting outside the door, she never knew I did it, but I felt like it saved her for at least the 60 days she was in jail, but unfortunately she got out and went right back to using. Does this ever end??
I'm suppose to have anterior cervical discectomy fusion c5-c6-c7 surgery, but I'm scared to death I'll need pain meds and get addicted. I know I really won't but I have caught myself fearing that. The meds I do get for pain I hide, cuz I'm afraid my dad will come over and find them,, he's akways asking if I've been to doctor, am I hurting? I know he don't really care, he just wants to know if I have some Gabbys (that's wat he calls the) or pain or muscle pills. I won't even get my meds anymore unless I'm hurting so bad that it's interfering with my family or work. it's a sad situation.
Jfhi99 is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:57 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I am really sorry to hear you are going thru all this. You sound very caring and very distraught. First of all, I think you need to focus on yourself. The others will find a way, but you cannot take on the burden of so many people. You will burn yourself out very quickly.

And I don't think you can have someone committed against his/her will. They have to be a clear and present danger to themselves (threatening suicide) or others (threaten or try to physically harm someone).

Your dad has to go to rehab on his own.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 07:57 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I am really sorry to hear you are going thru all this. You sound very caring and very distraught. First of all, I think you need to focus on yourself. The others will find a way, but you cannot take on the burden of so many people. You will burn yourself out very quickly.

And I don't think you can have someone committed against his/her will. They have to be a clear and present danger to themselves (threatening suicide) or others (threaten or try to physically harm someone).

Your dad has to go to rehab on his own.
ArtFriend is offline  
Old 12-19-2014, 08:00 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7
Ooops didn't mean to post twice, I'm trying to delete one but haven't figured it out yet. Sorry 😟
Jfhi99 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:21 PM.