CaliMusician

Hello,
I'm a little afraid to post on here - but I know I need help. I refuse to go to AA because talking to people in person can be a real struggle.

I was 6 months sober and did it all on my own until last month for the holidays. I started drinking again thinking I can handle it (no one can - I realize that now). It was because of the anxiety of not just the holidays, but work and everything you can think of. Pretty much a story you have heard for a long time.

I guess my question to those who have been sober recently, is that it's like I've forgotten how to overcome triggers. I try my hardest to just be a workaholic, or to go for a jog, or play a game, or workout. I guess I'm a functioning alcoholic because I do all of those things constantly, and it still doesn't take my thirst away at the end of the night. Tonight, I saw a liquor store on the way home and next thing I know, I'm in the parking lot. Then next thing I know, I'm inside. And then next thing I know, I'm driving away with remorse. I know I make the choice to purchase the alcohol; but every day I say I won't, and then something triggers it.

E.G. - I am home for Christmas and tonight I went and got sushi with friends and came home to my mom yelling at me because I skipped out on the food she made. I didn't know she was cooking, and I am also a grown adult who is just visiting. I work almost 16 hours (most days) in the Entertainment industry, so I felt like coming home would relieve some stress - but it's definitely not helping.


That instance, tonight, triggered me wanting to drink so bad to forget it. And I know deep down that drinking will not help this at all. So how do you, personally, overcome this trigger? I know my best choice would be to not come home at all; but, I just can't do that to my family over the holidays who only see me once, maybe twice a year.


Sorry this is so sporadic of a post, but I am just confused on how to even take a deep breath and forget that other people's actions are not in my control. Only I can control myself, and right now I am giving into my triggers.

Thanks for listening.

Dee74

Hi CaliMusician - welcome

nothing to be scared of here - this is a good and safe place

There will always be triggers - we have to learn to react to those triggers differently, and support is a big part of that.

I wouldn't discount any kind of support just yet - sounds like you have a long list of triggers to face?

D

hope22

What helped me was to write down my triggers and come up with a plan of how to deal with each one. In the beginning if someone triggered me I would get on SR and read. Playing the tape through ie if someone triggers me and I drink what will happen? I will be hung over, go through withdrawals, nothing good will happen.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, CaliMusician, to SR.

This is a great place for understanding, support and encouragement and it's 24/7/365. Talk to us when younfeel triggered; there is always someone here who cares and truly wants to see you succeed.

BirdsAteMyFace

I wouldn't discount AA altogether. I am the most anxious person you'll ever meet. The moments before going into my first meeting I thought my heart was going to explode (like literally). But I got through it, and afterwards I was so proud of myself it was sort of like a high. Now I'm almost excited to go, the people are so nice it restored my faith in humanity.

matilda123

Welcome! I am new to this, but what has helped me so far is to identify and come up with a plan for my triggers. As others noted, they will happen, so knowing what you'll do if they do happen is useful. Also, if you feel like drinking, post here first. Lots of great insight that can serve as a counter narrative to your AV.

Fly N Buy

Glad you're here and posting.

Quote - Only I can control myself, and right now I am giving into my triggers.

That's what kept me drinking for many many years. I cannot control myself when it comes to alcohol. I had to find something else than sheer will power.

There are many methods - perhaps try one with some structure to it.
For me it is indeed AA, but it's a personal choice.

I didn't decide one day - hey I bet AA would be a great place to go hang out. But, I had to do something - even if it was outside my comfort area. It was a matter of living or dying/shortening my life.

Between that and SR I feel they are a good balance of support. Very different , but provides a buffet of diverse experience that I have created new habits around.

Please consider some viable options. We want you here with us sober!
Kind Regards
FlyN

LuLu13

Everyone has given great advice on the triggers and not drinking so I am going to address another issue, you're mom. I'm a mom who is not so great at saying what I feel and often mask it with anger or a guilt trip. I think your mom was probably more upset that you came home and went out with friends instead of spending time eating a meal with her. She could have handled it better by saying "I am so glad you came home for the holidays but I was hurt you went out with your friends for 16 hours and didn't spend time with me. I miss you and wanted to catch up. Please be sure to make time for me during your visit." Now, me, I probably would have thrown in "You know I'll be dead one day." LOL, just food for thought.

Soberwolf

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

I agree with D about the working through your triggers they will be there its how we respond to any given situation

sprout50

Cali, I really understand the problem with speaking in public, speaking in groups etc...I suffer from anxiety which is why I came here. This is a safe place and easier for those of us with this problem. No one ever pushes you to post although, I highly recommend it. And there is no judgement here. Just folks that have been where you are and truly want to help.

It sounds like in order to avoid drinking, you keep yourself running-being a workaholic, jogging, etc....inevitably, we hit down time. This is something I have had to learn to deal with. I have had to slow myself down and learn to enjoy just being still without drinking. Try adding some calm, downtime activities to your day. I found that doing this is actually peaceful.

GracieLou

The proverbial wagon tends give the impression that we can get on and off of it.

Sobriety means you don't get off for any reason. Stress, anxiety, grief, pain, disappointment etc. It is something that must remain a constant in our minds.

We learn to deal with the feelings and not avoid them. Dealing with them means we work through it and cope, avoiding them just means they are waiting for us if we set down the bottle again.

Then the pain comes back two fold. The pain of the original feeling and all the guilt and the remorse of drinking because of it.

I had to learn how to be sober. I didn't know how to live without alcohol. I learned to do that in AA. I got rid of the past and learned to cope with today, no matter what it brings.

You may want to try AA again or another recovery method. I could not do it alone.

CaliMusician

thanks for all the helpful responses!

jkirk

The holidays are brutal to be sure! I just had my mother in law for 8 days, I was dying after day 4. She's not bad, but my wife transforms into another person.
Can I suggest (playing off your screen name) going for long walks or runs with your Fav playlist? If you play an instrument, make that your 30 minute go to? Go to the gym to get out of the house? Don't give in!!!!!!!!!! Keep fighting, and it is a fight......

CaliMusician

I'm on night 2 and it's already getting harder. I keep thinking about having to see relatives all this weekend that I haven't seen in years. They will be asking non-stop questions on what I've been up to and I already have anxiety thinking about the conversations. Narcissistic, much?

DeannaM77

I can really relate with you. My social anxiety is what stopped me to continue going to meetings. It's hard for me to share. I would rather just listen. Anyway welcome! This is the first time I have posted in a while.

Dee74

It's wednesday there right CaliMusician.?

why not use the next couple of days to think of ways you can deal with relatives and their questions...without resorting to the old ways of coping?

D

HenryKrinkle

I've been in the position you are in now. For years I knew I should quit, I knew I wanted to quit, yet I still kept doing it. When I finally found AVRT, I figured out why I kept doing it, and learned how to stop falling back into the same trap.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Nuudawn

I don't know if this helps, but the other day my sister asked me a question I was unprepared for and a bit emotional about...like I wasn't ready to talk about it. As a result, my interiors started to shimmer and shake and get all worked up... until I realized..

I didn't really have to answer or justify or explain anything. I just said.. "Actually, I don't know right now". I just sort of shrugged it off and carried on. I did so..because if I didn't...I was going to get "defensive and reactive". It was MY business and I DIDN'T have to talk about it..if I didn't want to.

She said nothing further on it until about a week later. And when she raised the issue, she used a different tactic (one that was actually manipulative..she was trying to invoke guilt and shame on my part)...

I actually got angry (I didn't know why at the time)...
It got a bit ugly actually... I digress.

I later realized that my business is MY business. I get to decided how much I divulge to anyone about anything. Just because somebody asks me something doesn't mean I have to answer. I have the right to not talk about what I don't want to talk about .... I have that right.

A word of caution though... people who have boundary issues DON'T like it when you assert some..
The will push and cajole and maybe even get p*ssy or angry or manipulative.

DON'T matter.
That's there problem..not yours. You are not responsible for their feelings or reactions..

BUT ..YOU are responsible for yours. Man your station when they prod and push. Have ready answers your comfortable with..and say no more. Just smile..smile...
You're in control of what you do and say.

Soberwolf

You can do this Cali

Buggirl

This is exactly what I do! I also attend AA. It works !