f0cus

So I've been thinking not drinking on the weekdays is going to be relatively easy for me. Its the weekends that have always been a big challenge. My wife and I love to go out for dinner and she likes to have a few drinks. She can stop after a few, I cannot. Any tips for going out with her and staying strong? Thanks guys!

Thepatman

This one is hard. Your post doesn't indicate if you want to stop or not, goes around the lines of controlling your drinking.

I could never control my drinking. Abstinence on a few weekdays only meant catch up time on the weekends.

As for your partner, if you explained that you are struggling, maybe she could try to have a dinner without booze? If it's hard for her not to, she might have her own issues.

Good luck!

JT0626

My husband is still a heavy drinker & I have managed to stay sober because I straight up told him alcohol is no longer an option for me. So he doesn't bother asking me if I want anything from the liquor store anymore & never asks me to taste anything either. I basically had to learn how to regulate myself. I hated the "drinking self" I created, so when the urge would hit me I would tell myself that I deserve better than alchohol.

It's easier said than done, but I have somehow managed. :-)

AdmimalBlueEyes

Well if you want / need to quit then you have to let her know, if your an A then only abstinence will work ,

anattaboy

Wow! Sorry to hear that threatens you a bit. Is it just the sight of it or more that you two drank together or "it's just not fair"? My first wife drank like yours and even kept a six in the fridge for up to 2 weeks(?)and it never bothered me. My second wife drank just like me and I had to leave for a week when I first got sober.. She got sober and we are doing fine but it could have gone the other way. Sobriety had to be priority but more that drinking will never be an option--ever. (AVRT) Best wishes on getting over this hump. It's really just a corner of your life where that voice of no-reason needs to be put in place. It gets to be less and less as time goes on.

LBrain

People are going to tell me I'm wrong. I don't care because I'm not.
If you wife is a "normal" drinker and she cares and loves you, she would not drink in front of you if it bothers you. Discuss it with her. And if she truly loves you, cares about you and wants you to succeed, she will not drink in your presence.
If she can't not drink around you, then she herself has a drinking problem.


And fudge to the people who say your drinking is your problem not hers.

Arbor

I agree with LBrain. It's an honest relationship right? If she drinks not in your presence. Early on in recovery especially but even so later down the road. Who wants to have an honest conversation with someone who's three glasses in?

f0cus

We both work our asses off and she likes to go out to eat and enjoy a few glasses of wine. Ill go as far as to say its not necessarily her drinking that would bother me. Its more resisting the temptation of the environment. Everyone enjoying dinner, having drinks ect. I guess it's just something I have to deal with. It would bother me more if my wife got smashed but she doesn't. See for me, I never got the point of having just a couple. It's just a tease for me. So my mindset has to be "you don't enjoy just a couple Matt".

I could avoid restaurants all together but I love to eat out as well and I certainly don't want to have to stay in every weekend. Its all psychological with me. I have a good friend who's been sober for 30 plus years and people could be getting smashed around him and he could care less. I guess that kind of strength comes with time.

biminiblue

Right, it takes time.

Everything can trigger an alcoholic. I used any and every reason to drink. Dinner out. Dinner in. No dinner. It was Thursday. I was happy. I was sad. The rum was on sale. Everyone is doing it. yadda yadda.

There is always going to be alcohol. You have to learn to sidestep it in every situation.

I think it would be helpful if your wife didn't have alcohol in the house, and maybe you two can come to some sort of agreement about dinners out for a while. Either don't go, or maybe she abstains for a while.

hopeful4

Myself, I avoided restaurants that serve alcohol. If your spouse is trying to overcome alcohol I don't think anyone should drink in front of said spouse or have it in the house under any circumstance. Why make it harder than it needs to be?

Let her enjoy her wine when you are not present.

Until then, enjoy establishments that don't serve alcohol.

ktwsober

I am struggling a bit with this one myself. Have seen a recent increase in drinking by my girlfriend in the last couple of months. Not everyday drinking, she just seems to tie one on about once a week. I am never present when this occurs, as we have an agreement she doesnt drink around me. I was out of town this weekend and got the 4AM drunk texts. I found it disgusting and disrespected. Triggered anger and other emotions but never once was having a drink an option

I agree 100% with LBrain comments above and its time for me to have a conversation with her. I have come to the conclusion if she truly loves me and we want to continue and move forward she needs to stop.

hokey

^^^^^ this!!! Well-said LBrain

countrygirl2014

I struggled with this one. Still do sometimes. I even got on here and bad mouthed my significant other and accused him of being an alcoholic. Only one finger pointed at him. The rest were me. I cannot change anybody else but ME and my actions. He drinks, I don't notice it anymore. One thing I have noticed is we went from 3 cases a week to he still has the same case from a month ago. Hmmmmmm. I would say it has been jealousy on my part...

Jennifer

FunTimesBobby

I'm new here, not a doctor, and have never tried this:

But in Finland they Rx Naltrexone to alcoholics to stop that 'just one more' mentality that leads to just ten more.

It blocks the dopamine reinforcement drinking gives you.

After an abstinence period I'm going to give it a shot, and this should help me determine if I'm just a problem drinker or a full blown alcoholic.

Fly N Buy

You're not wrong about this, IMHO.
I went through this with my normal(in regards to the drink only) wife when I quit. She could take it or leave it and she left it in supporting the critical decision that could potentially save/ add longevity to my life.

At six months, I have seen her have 1-2 glasses of wine and 2 beers. Both at wedding receptions. When we go out to eat, there are many good restaurants that don't have alcohol. That said, she does occasionally go out with gf's and have an appetizer and 1-2 beers. I know her very well - she'd never allow herself to drink anymore than that. Which I find truly amazing........

I am not judging anyone. To each his own and it's your recovery.......But, especially early on - zero from the one I love helped me a lot. Btw, I never asked her nor have we ever had a conversation about it.

FlyN

Dee74

Many of the folks here have spouses, friends or family who continue to drink.
In one way we are all surrounded by drinkers.

Supports really important. Build a strong sober support network and use it every time you feel shaky F0cus.

you can do this (welcome aboard btw)

D

Clementina

LBrain, you are so right. So, so, so right. For a "normal" drinker to stop drinking in front of an alcoholic partner during early recovery is one of the most supportive things he/she can do, in my opinion. Listening, talking, being there when the monster hits and understanding how hard it can be are all so important too. But not drinking in front of you can be key. It is for me.

My ex was completely unable to give me that kind of support. Not even for a day. That's when I realized he had a problem too, and was in denial about it.
I would have been unable to stop drinking had I stayed with him.

One reason I know I'm with a good partner now because he has 99% stopped drinking to support me. I didn't even ask, he just did it. Even in social/drinking situations, he almost always stays sober with me and it makes a huge difference. This weekend, we went to his friends' big deal annual holiday party, where he got to see all his old friends, and even for this he checked in with me about drinking beforehand, just to make sure I wouldn't feel unsupported if he had a few at the party. And then he spent most of the night empty handed anyway. I know that's out of consideration for me, and wanting to help me enjoy the night without relapsing.

Like Lbrain said, don't let anyone say your drinking problem isn't also hers. I believe that if one party needs to get sober, then sobriety needs to be prioritized by BOTH partners if you are serious about getting and staying sober. It's true that YOU are responsible for your actions and choices, but your wife's choices can make a huge difference in either undermining or supporting this life change that you are making. And when it's a matter of alcoholism, your health, your life, and your relationship are all at stake. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or doesn't understand alcoholism.

It's possible that, if your wife truly is a "normal" drinker, she might not understand that her habits are a trigger for you. So maybe it couldn't hurt to have an honest conversation and set some boundaries that are healthy and comfortable for both of you.

Good luck!!!

Soberwolf

My gf gave up alcohol with me to support me

We have a no alcohol rule in our home

I see alcohol for what it is a legal drug a legal high i dont want to around that as much as i dont want to be around other drugs my gf feels stronger lol

i can be around alcohol ie at a restraunt even if was at the table even if my gf decided to drink id be ok because nothing will make me drink i know what happens when I drink if i found it uncomfortable id do as D suggests build some sober muscles first and when you do go out have an exit plan in case you feel uncomfortable

Anna

We also have a 'no alcohol' rule in our home. We never keep or serve alcohol. I'm grateful that my husband stopped drinking, though he never had an inkling of a problem. But, it wasn't to support me. It was because of seeing what alcohol did to me.

Anyways I am grateful, and if the shoe was on the other foot, I would not suggest going to restaurants where alcohol was prevalent, or drink in front of my husband.

LBrain

Last week I asked my wife if she wanted a glass of wine. I was perfectly okay with it - I asked. She no. She doesn't want to drink because it might cause me to relapse.
I said I would be alright. She said it isn't worth it. Some of us are lucky enough to have a partner like that.
This was not directed at the OP. I fully didn't understand the original post when I read it. But I thought I would share that.