How high functioning was I, really?
 

For many years I told myself that my binge drinking wasn’t a problem because I was “high functioning.” It was true that I had not lost a lover due to drinking, never received a D.U.I nor spent time in jail. I excelled at school and have had a lot of success in my professional career.

These last 11 weeks, however, as I’ve engaged with my life and work with a new verve and with calm focus, I’ve realized what a false narrative that was. Each day I was working only at a limited capacity due to hangovers and horrible anxiety. I would blame the pressures of my profession, but a lot of the stress I was experiencing was really of my own creation. And, because of that anxiety, I’d drink more, which would make me more anxious. And then I’d work in a binge and purge cycle (much like my drinking).

Now, I wake up, fresh and ready to take on the day. Instead of doing the minimum each day, I’m finding that both at work and at home I’m able to keep focused and get a lot done. I’ve started new projects that have given me a new excitement about my work and life. And while I still experience stress, I’m much better able to discern where it is coming from and how (or whether) I need to respond to it. (Not my circus, not my monkey: my new favorite saying☺).

I wasn’t high functioning. Now, I really am.

:) :hug:

I've noticed the exact same thing. That's how I got trapped, convinced myself my drinking wasn't that bad. I see now that I really wasn't fucntioning highly at all.
Good for you xoxo

Thank you so much for such a wonderful post Matilda.

yep exactly. Now I know what high functioning really is, I wasn't it, lol.

D

I always say this because it really struck a chord when I heard it. High functioning alcoholic isn't a TYPE of alcoholism, it is a STAGE of alcoholism. It is always progressing. So glad you got off that craptastic roller coaster and have seen the light. Life is so much better sober.

I love your post Matilda!

Fabulous post, Matilda!

P.S. That's one of my favorite sayings, too!

I've had the same thoughts recently. Thank you for posting this topic :)

Absolutely. I was very lucky and I credit the honest and inspiring posts of so many here on SR for helping me to see that I had a problem.

Such an awesome post. I also would have said I was high functioning - it's really a delusion and a form of denial, isn't it? :)

Yes! So thankful for this website, I'm also now aware of how much of a problem I have! Which is great to know, because then it can be corrected :-)
Best wishes to you.

I read this post to my husband earlier because everything you said sounded word for word like my story and how I felt about my drinking. For years, I told myself my bingeing was okay because it made me a better person - when I was drunk I would do a deep clean on the house, put up the Christmas lights for my parents who can't anymore, be generous with my money... I realized today after I spent the entire day cleaning that I wasn't high functioning at all! I didn't clean the house when I was drunk, I just made it messier!! And being generous with my money drunk just led to remorse later. Now that I'm sober, I actually do a good job when I spend a day cleaning and actually have the money to spend on those that I care about. So thank you for posting this today Matilda. It was a really nice reminder on a day where I was really struggling that all of us are more productive and better people when we are sober :)

And thank you Soberween for what you said. I have never realized that high functioning was a stage of alcoholism, but now that you say it my levels of productivity drunk decreased the more often I drank. Reading what you wrote reminded me that if I ever go back to drinking, it will only progress further. You both have helped me more than you know today!

Well done on 11 weeks Matilda

Wonderful post. I can relate to every word.

Great thread!

At best, I was a good survivor and a good actor. But high functioning, not really!

Makes me thing of Robin William's stand up on Alcoholism. I was like a paraplegic Lap dancer. I could "wing" it, but was never as good as the others. LOL! No insult intended if you are paraplegic.

Awesome to see ya's see the lie of he high functioning thing!!!

A sticky worthy post!!!

Great thread!

Great post!

Amazing how we delude(d) ourselves, isn't it? I had not suffered an irreversible and catastrophic loss => therefore I was high functioning.

Congrats on 11 weeks! You rock! :You_Rock_

I also told myself I was functioning ok so it didn't matter during the earlier days. But the truth is that I felt like death every morning at work. So I couldn't have been doing my very best. I wasn't functioning at all in fact. xx