Dee74

I'm sorry things have kept me away from this thread til now Sasha.

There's some really awesome advice here.

I recommend you go back and see your Dr.
I say this with love and concern but you are not 'fine'.

If necessary do get a second opinion, ok?

Please remember there is always a forum full of people who care for you here too

D

least

I agree with seeing your doctor. You sound seriously depressed.

melki

You need to be okay even if it's for the sake of your daughter.

I don't know your situation, but are you closer to someone in your family you could talk to? Maybe this is something that could bring you relief. Anger is a bad emotion to hold onto. But you know better. If they are not supportive, forget it.

I hope you feel better soon. Your daughter is lucky to have you, you are a wonderful caring mum. You need to take care of yourself though. I hope you find some comfort and joy soon.

Lorax1981

Sending you and your little one love. Time will help heal the heart and maybe a new relationship down the road. Take care.
-Ted

Jeni26

Sorry you feel so low Sasha, and you Hollyanne...you 2 are amongst my most favourite ladies in recovery, you both reached out to me when I was at my lowest.

Well there's something about Christmas isn't there that paints a false picture of everyone sitting holding hands filled with joy and peace. Well...not my experience for sure. For many it is a time of great sadness..of reliving memories good and bad and remembering times gone by.

Your little girl will be fine Sasha..she's got a Mummy who loves her and keeps her safe and protected. I love Anna's idea of making up some new Christmas traditions. She will look back on these special times when she's older with love and affection, just the 2 of you together. She won't miss not having siblings..you can't miss what you never had. She hasn't anything to compare it to. I think us Mums are just too good at feeling guilty, and it does us no good.

I'm around over Christmas. PM me if you want a chat. Sending you lots of love and light xxx

Nuudawn

Something about good ole Christmas that can make us feel ..well horrible..think about how it's SUPPOSED to be. The world has us believing it should be magical and fantastic.

I do believe they're are more suicides than any other time of year. I actually spent this evening drinking hot chocolate and painting sugar skulls, crying intermittently, whilst Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra sung me about how it all "should" be.

One thing is...my best Christmases were as a child. There WAS hope and magic and wonder. I believed in all the holiday tales and songs and whatnot. You can still make your daughter's Christmas...beautiful. I hope you can muster the emotional energy to ...believe that.

And I do hope you try that suggestion to revisit doc. No one should have to suffer too long. I know that my heartbreak depression lasted as long as my brain couldn't get unstuck on ruminations about how painful and unfair it was. It was like I couldn't change gears. It was awful and terrible...and horrid. I truly believe my "chemistry" got unstuck when I got on the right anti depressant..whilst sober...back in 2007. Nothing has ever been a horrible as those 5 years were...where I could NOT get unstuck. I grinded and grinded on what occurred with a man who broke my heart and "seemingly" went on to a new love and family. (That was the fairytale for him I had in my head anyways)

Your limbic "shifter" needs to get unstuck.

seasky

Hi Sasha

Just sending you a big hug and lots of love.
Im sorry that you are feeling sad..
This is a difficult time for you ... there is no reason to rush the processing of your feelings .. but know that you daughter must love you ... it is a real blessing that
you are doing your part, being sober and trying to make Christmas magical for her.

Our daughters are such blessings ~ try to enjoy the little (quiet) holiday memories with your daughter .. They will probably be the moments she remembers

ReadyAtLast

I'm sorry you are in a bad place Sasha. I do agree with what others have said. Please see your doc again-or rather see a different doc. you sound terribly depressed and a change of type or amended dose in AD may help. I'm not giving medical advice -just in my own experience I had no idea how depressed I could feel on 1 AD and then when my GP put me on a different 1 it was like -oh wow how can I now feel so much better! If your doc says " you should be over it by now" then the best advice is change your doc.

I am 40 and have recently split from my husband and have a 5 year old son. This will be our first Christmas alone. my marriage wasn't terrible or abusive or anything but it just wasn't 'right' or 'enough'. Since getting sober I've changed so much and realise that I don't have the just put up with anything or just settle. Neither do you. I remember reading your old posts about your husband and you and your daughter deserve far far better. It is far lonelier to be in an unhappy relationship than be on your own.

As far as Christmas goes, the most important thing is you are still sober. As Anna said, it's a great idea to make new traditions and do new things for you and your daughter. We make gingerbread decorations for the tree which my son loves doing. On Christmas Eve in the afternoon the elves deliver a gift box. I think this is a lovely idea and seeing his little face light up is so lovely. It usually includes new pajamas, a DVD, hot chocolate, some chocolate and a Christmas story book. He will have an early bath, put on his new pajamas and we'll watch the DVD(Frozen!) whilst eating the chocolate.

It really will be what you make it and you can make it fun-for both of you.

desypete

how often did i cut everything out of my life because i felt like they were not putting me first
the pain i would feel would be real but i was making my own pain but i couldnt see it

i to feel like i wish xmas would come and go and i feel like telling the world to f off but for different reasons that yours

the thing is i will wish people a happy xmas instead of letting my own pain that is no ones fault get to me

my oldest girl came over on sat she lives the other side of the country and she and her partner and my grandson came to have dinner with us me and her siblings we all made the effort to make my grandson happy and enjoyable but we all were missing my other son who was just 16 when he died

its runined things for our home really as we just dont want xmas anymore but i will be putting some presents under the tree for my other kids even though there older now but still i will make that effort

i have been told to go and see a dr as i sound depressed but i can not go that way as i know lots of people who are on them and there all over the place, they run to the drs on anything and thats not facing things in my book

so i know what i have to do and that just dam well get on with it all and stop feeling so sorry for myself
be happy that others are ok and having a good time as its not about me so much these days

for me its the only way i can be as i know what will happen to me if i go the other way, it will lead me back to what i did best and thats drink on it

ccam1973

Sending my thoughts to you and your little one Sasha. Simple as that, you are loved.

Please go back and talk to your doctor. You deserve to be well.

Sasha4

Thanks everyone.
You are all so kind.
I reached out to a friend tonight and it got me out of the house and some company.
I did feel better after doing it.
I cried and told her how bad I felt.

I think sometimes the monotony of life wears me down.
I am bad at isolating myself too. Really bad.

I will revisit my GP and discuss how I'm feeling.
I do feel very alone at the moment.

Thank you all for making me feel a little less lonely with your posts here.

Anna

Sasha, I think it's great that you took steps to get out of the house and to speak to a friend. That's very positive.

And, I agree with going back to your dr and discussing your concerns.

I really hope that you continue to take steps to look after yourself.

Melina

Hi Sasha, I wrote the following to you in October in someone else's thread. I'm just going to repeat it so you know what I think about the great work you're doing. I can tell you are sad and lonely, and confused. But hopefully you will be encouraged by what some of us SR's think about you.

My best to you,
Melina


'Sorry to intrude, as I don't have a husband or children. And I'm sorry that the original poster is going through these troubles.

But I was motivated by Sasha's post to say I really wish I had you as a Mom growing up, Sasha.

I can hear the exhaustion and love coming through your words. I can tell there were many doubts and fears as you found the best way to parent your daughter and as you fought to get sober through these trials. I can tell you are still finding your way and it's pissing you off that you've had to do double work to make up for your ex-partner's shortcomings.

I grew up as the daughter of an alcoholic mother and I am a 39 year old alcoholic woman now myself. With no husband, no children due to my drinking.

I so needed the consistency you are now providing. I didn't know it, but as a child, I craved it. I needed it but heck yes, I definitely would have rebelled as well and looked for the 'easier and more fun' parent. But if I had what you're doing, it would've worked wonders on future me as hard as it would have been on you to consistently enforce the loving rules you mention.

I would have called you every name in the book and at 4 years old, I probably would have pooped in your shoe and blamed it on the dog. And as a child, I would have grown to depend and lean upon you as a sober, loving and sometimes stern mother.

And my dream childhood if we base it on what I just said would be to have my Mom as a trusted advisor, someone I could get really really silly with, someone I could tell how pretty she is, ask her for advice instead of hiding every piece of me away from her knowledge, enjoying her beauty, enjoying her stories and intelligence. My great lady that would always tell me amazing things about her life and let me know the real deal about every situation, with truth and from her eyes.

I never got that. I got the Mom that couldn't cook Thanksgiving dinner bc she came home so drunk that her ankle got twisted in the seatbelt coming out of the minivan and we found her passed out in a concussion in the driveway the next day and my 17 year old sister had to cook a frikkin turkey...

But my point isn't about my life history, it's just that I'm reflecting that I really would've loved my mother to be sober and consistent in regards to what was expected of me as a person that needs to be present and contribute in our family and in our lives.

So please know that I heard you tonight, Sasha. And this little girl who is 39 years old appreciates you as a great mother doing the hard work of forming your 4 year old daughter into a great person I can't wait to meet out in the future world one day as a loved, loving, educated, disciplined and elegant young lady.

I'm so sorry you are tired, Sasha. I understand tired. A lot. But please know every single one of your rules are important and help your baby girl. Even when it seems you are fighting against her, she is just fighting against inconsistencies.

Please stay strong, it's exhausting to be an adult. There are no prizes but I would certainly give you one if I could. Goodnight, Mom, job well done.'

seasky

Sasha I am happy to hear that you got out today and spoke to your friend

Melina that is a very sweet message

MythOfSisyphus

Try to hang in there, Sasha. There really is no timetable on processing things. Sometime the hurts heal quickly, sometimes it takes longer. You can't run it on a schedule. The thing to watch out for is that feelings of loneliness and depression cause you to isolate and withdraw, which just makes it worse.

I'm glad you are trying to get out and hang out with a friend. It will do you good!