Nic233

I feel embarrassed even posting here now. I've fallen off the wagon yet again. I'm drinking right now so have no right to even be posting here but I want
to be able to get sober for good somehow. There is no one to blame but myself but I find it hard being around my Parents who I feel are also alcoholics who are in denial.. They encourage me to drink when I see them. I can and should say no.. But it's easier said than done as the old saying goes lol!!
Everyone on SR have been so wonderful by supporting and encouraging me and I feel like I am wasting everyone's time.
I am so sorry to everyone that's taken the time to message me and encourage me. I feel like I've let you down. I'm just feeling down and depressed right now.
The ridiculous thing is I am almost finished my psychology degree specialising in addiction studies so I shouldn't be in this position at all.
I've shared very little in this forum but I am also a recovering meth addict. I became addicted to meth after a traumatic sexual assault. I think I've transferred one addiction to another as often happens. I'm doing ok psychologically besides becoming a drunk lol xx
Anyway I'm sorry for the essay x

SoberLeigh

You are not wasting anyone's time by being here; we are here for you; that is what SR is all about.

I am very sorry about the trauma in your past; I was abducted by a sexual predator at the age of 9 but was released unharmed; I didn't realize then but I knew later and know now just how fortunate I was. Have you sought therapy to help you deal with the assault?

You have your entire beautiful life ahead of you; how about taking the next step into your future without alcohol; can you pour out what you are drinking now and drink plenty of water to properly hydrate.

You can do this, Nic.

FreeOwl

Once you knock your own addictions... You are going to be a fantastic counselor and help to others. Your first hand experience with trauma and addiction combined with your studies will be tremendously powerful.

You'll deeply appreciate how this thing gets hold of us and the games it plays. You'll be able to really understand from a psychological standpoint how all the trauma and emotions were intertwined with your addictions.

But first, you need to embrace that vision.

You need to see yourself doing that and come to love that vision and your life more than you love alcohol.

AA helped me get there, and gave me a clear roadmap.

Also - seeing a therapist yourself is probably a good idea given the context you shared.

You can do this and you have a wealth of gifts to offer the world by getting sober.

Nic233

Hi sober Leigh , I have had some sessions in regards to the assault but I really didn't get anywhere. Unfortunately by the time the guy got to court I was a full blown junkie and he got off.. The evidence against him was huge but I think I ruined it as I was not coherent during trial!
Anyway i really don't dwell on this..
I guess it's the alcohol making me feel a little vulnerable x
I will try and get on the straight path again x

Nic233

Thankyou free owl... I do intend to use my own demons to good
Use one day lol!! That's the reason I went into psych.. I wanted to give something back.. Alcoholism is a sneaky bugger!! I've gone from being a party animal to a
Full blown alco in such a short amount of time x

FreeOwl

Not dwelling is fine.....

But the impact of severe trauma cannot be understated, in my view.

I think it's essential to have a good therapist help us work through traumatic experiences and their impact to our addictive selves.

I think it's also crucial to do the real work of sobriety in the steps.

If you're going into the mental health and addiction field, it sure seems to me it would be incredibly valuable to you also, to do this work yourself, first hand.

Alchemist1978

I am drinking also try to prevent the shakes. These cravings are killing me and the thoughts going at hundred miles an hour.

Nic233

Yes you're right freeowl.. I will make an appointment tomorrow to get well..
The AA 12 step programme is not for me but I will try and set up my support system to help me succeed once and for all x

SoberLeigh

I am sorry that the criminal proceedings did not result in a conviction, Nic.

I was too young to truly understand what had happened to me or what could have happened to me so I really didn't 'feel' the effects of the abduction until I became a parent and worried about the safety of my children and my ability to protect them. So the undercurrents from a long past event can 'come back' and rise to the surface later. Just something to keep in your mind for down the road.

Even a few more sessions now to see if the trauma may be more problematic in your drinking than you are aware might be good.

Keep talking to us, Nic. We are here for you.

Nic233

Ah Leigh the assault was 9 years ago and everything went down
From there! I do suffer anxiety now but in the whole I'm ok. I try and live my live positively and I'm
Only mentioning my past as I hope it well somehow help
In my sobriety..

FreeOwl

I didn't think it was for me either....

Until. At last, it was.



I wonder if you could bring yourself to give the steps an honest chance as a form of research for your professional vision?

To learn for yourself how they really work, what they do and don't offer, what you can glean from them - even if only the credibility of being able to advise those you'd one day help from a place of actual experience?

Nic233

I will definitely give it a go. I will
Give anything a go

anattaboy

Kudo's on making the appt. Keep it. Sleep it off.

Nic233

Thankyou Anattaboy..I have no appointment but will
Make one first thing tomorrow

BernieE

You've received some excellent suggestions from SoberLeigh and FreeOwl. I'd like to add that you will need a plan for your time with your parents. I'd suggest keeping your distance for a while but with the holidays approaching, that is probably unlikely. It's a challenge that will take thought and support. But what a great gift to yourself for the new year!

Nic233

Yes I definitely need a plan. I told my Mum last week that I have an chook
Problem that I'm trying to work through but I don't think she gets it. It's probably because of her own drinking habits..
Christmas Day is usually a champagne breakfast at my house followed by a bioEg dah at my Parents. Not sure how to handle
The holidays

Nic233

Alcohol not chook lol

Nic233

Alcohol not chook haha

FreeOwl

Chooks can be a real problem too but that's another story

Nic233

Lol I'll take your word for it :-) x