SoberLeigh

I agree. Happiness is a choice. It is sometimes a decision we make every day.

trachemys

Hell, every five minutes!

Hawks

If girlfriends, wives, jobs and homes predicated relief from alcoholism, the F&F section here would be a ghost town.

Pulling off a geographical location rearrangement is also fraught with trouble.

Namely that, wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

The novelty doesn't last long.

Buggirl

You are a nice individual and will find someone, just when you least expect it who will like you for you.

matilda123

(((SoberComposer)))

Dee74

I found I needed to accept myself before I found people who accepted me...but I found them

The secret is to get out there, don't go looking...if dating seems facile then get into volunteering, join a church, or a community organisation - you may find young handsome decent thirty somethings with their head screwed on straight and a career are a hot commodity

I had a very negative view of the world and people for many decades...it took me maybe 3-4 months of recovery to realise that was the effects of alcohol and drugs - even after all that time...

I found the more I loved myself and my life the less I dwelt on misery & despair & critical judgement of others and all that stuff

I'm no saint, and I'm not blind to problems, but I rediscovered I'm by nature a glass half full guy.

I'm thrilled at my second chance. I really believe there's a lot of beauty in the world if you're open to opening your eyes

D

SoberComposer

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all of your words . Im usually pretty happy but so many things happened this week, it just had me feeling overwhelmed. Im not used to feeling this without escape.

There is so many helpful things here. I feel better after exercise but love the one step, or issue, at a time. Instead, all of the things that I have not built-up over the years crashed down on me.

You are right though, I need to take some deep breaths and let this emotional thing pass. Somehow I let myself slip into this place where I allowed all of the things that I want in life become an insult instead of inspiration. I am feeling like I am coming too now.. sorta like getting better from the flu.

I just bought some ice cream and am going to just take it easy and stop thinking about these things for awhile. Once this passes then I'll try to figure things out.

Thanks so much for your wise words, support and kindness . Im not familiar with dealing with these big life problems without reprieve so it got pretty intense and depressive. I think I am learning to organize them and make a plan without the 'im a loser' soundtrack playing in the background. And just to think, I thought I got off the booze easy . But learning basic life strategies now is certainly better than later. I will work on choosing to be happy, and at the very least not allow myself to wallow in misery.

Thanks Everyone, you are amazingly awesome!

-SC

Croissant

SoberComposer...just getting sober fires up new feelings, desires and parts of our personalities that we have buried under alcohol for a while.

I've noticed that how I feel today or this week or month..I.e.low/tired/happy/sad/confused/not confident....is not forever, nor does it define me. I think I got used to numbing everything, that I forgot what it was like to 'feel'....and that through fully experiencing the 'feeling' of something, it motivates us to take action - whatever that might be.

It doesn't always seem that way, but sometimes, just feeling miserable about something is really ok. It's how we figure out what we need and want out of life to make us happy - and that, ultimately, is a good thing.

muddywaters

Hi SoberComposer,

I can relate to what JanieJ and Dee said. I think if you find something your passionate about and you enjoy doing it, and your not looking, but just taking care of yourself and immersing yourself into something you truly love doing the right person will appear at the right time, and most importantly for the right reasons.

6 years ago I was a jaded drunk divorcee, and if anyone would have told me that any woman in the world could replace my dog, my backpack, and the mountains I'd have told them they were nuts. Today I'm as happily married as I could be with a woman who truly knows, loves and supports me. We are planning our next adventure together as I write this. I have no doubt my scenario will find you. Exactly when it's supposed to.

SoberComposer

Hi Croissant, you are right and i didnt cognitively get that but while drinking I was just numb enough to not feel the important stuff. In a way it was control over lifes ups and downs. You all have been so helpful. I also smoked herbs when I could find it and that may have been doing the same thing.

Thanks, that really explains a lot of what that was about. I was not ready for it and it caught me off guard in a panicked and anxiety-riddened state. I have been able to handle the small stuff of daily ups and downs but this huge life directional stuff, as I am in my late 30s and somewhat feel too late, was overwhelming.

Thanks Everyone , I have a lot more insight now

SoberComposer

Thanks muddywaters, that hope in the years to come is inspirational.

ArtFriend

SoberComposer - You sound like a very sensitive kind man who feels things very deeply. The world can be tough on people like that (I am one too). I wish you the best and hope that you will find your soul mate soon. Like that old Motown song goes: you can't hurry love, you just have to wait... just give it time, no matter how long it takes!

BTW - there are women in the world who are not materialistic and shallow. They are harder to see however because they are usually thoughtful and quiet.

Venecia

Hey Sober Composer --

There's a general recommendation about dating and relationships after sobriety: Wait a year.

No, it's not scientific. Nor is it a mandate.

It is, though, the sage advice gleaned from experiences. You'll find no shortage of SR posts from lovely people who took the plunge well before a year and came to regret it.

It looks like you've got about four months.

Alcoholism robbed you of some years. How about giving you one year just to let the ground solidify underneath you?

I'm 16 months sober. A couple weeks ago, I signed up for an online dating service and had a date a few nights go. Nice guy. And one with whom I could not envision a second date just to confirm what I'd already figured out on the first date. I was in the midst of writing him a "you're terrific but I don't see it" note when I received a "I think you're terrific but" note from him! Not a big deal to me but when you put yourself out there, it can become a big deal.

Dating puts our emotional world in a different place. We need strength for it. The ability to reason about what is important in our lives, to rid ourselves of any co-dependencies that exist in some degree among all alcoholics, to commit to what is non-negotiable and to recognize what could be potentially harmful to our psyches, our sobriety or both.

I understand the need and desire for that kind of company. As we come out of the dark days, our emotions and desires come back -- sometimes with guns blazing. We're still fragile, though, and vulnerable to regrettable decisions.

Give yourself time, Sober Composer. Four months? You're still re-emerging.

risingup

reading your post I feel there is absolutely nothing wrong here......you are self aware and you vales the RIGHT things in a relationship. Many people are in in-authentic relationships and it works for them.....many people even are satisfied with these types of friendships. It is a lonely place when you appreciate what is real.....as you do. You are in the right place for you. Be patient......these men that attract women solely because they have something material to offer deserve what they get.....as do the women who are attracted to them. An enlightened man such as yourself is rare in this day and age.....and the the woman out there who finds you will be damn lucky!

SoberComposer

Thanks for your posts! I would love to share my heart with someone but I do know I need to work on myself first. I felt great a few weeks ago but then so many things hit me at one time and now i can start to see things more clearly now. I have a lot to work on to be good with myself and others. I found out about this class for children of disfunctional parents, that I will attend tomorrow, and noticed some common behaviors. The one that really stuck out to me is that I want to please everyone, I guess to have their approval. The other is the realization that there are good people out there. SR is a huge example of that =) But those behaviors i read made me think how disfunctional I have been in simple interactions with people. I imagine that one day I would be able to be a great husband or father but until I learn some basic life skills it wouldn't be fair to them or me.

Thank you for your heartfelt thoughts and suggestions.

Much love SR Family,

-SC