herradura

Hello,

Don't know if this is the right place for this, but a Mod can move it if appropriate. However I know a few people on this part of SR and value their opinions.

My wife is on Facebook and showed me some posts from an old best friend. He has lost everything and is alcoholic, but recently decided to move on to meth, crack, and who knows what else. He has lost his job, wife, kids, and is living on the streets in a city 1200 miles from me.

I have contacted a mutual best friend, and he told me the details which I will spare. The thoughts on him are he needs to hit bottom and until he does there is no sense doing anything as he needs to want to quit. In my opinion this mindset comes from people who have never been there or done that. Not that I have ever been homeless and shooting cocaine, but I have had my share of experience with addiction/addictions. I actually got into a heated discussion as the main friend asked me, "so why on earth would a middle aged man with a family, good job, education, etc. decide to smoke coke." I just told him, well, sometimes it just happens.

The question is: do I fly down there and try to get this guy off the streets and into a hospital/rehab. My concerns are I don't deal with drugs addicts too often and am not in tune with the lifestyle they lead in a large city. Mainly, I cant take a gun with me on the plane to make sure I will be ok in the event he is with some criminal people.

Secondly, I have a wife and kids and don't want to put myself in a situation where I get shot, or killed.

I have the time and resources to go down there and think I should as it appears his family does not understand that is really difficult to make a rational decision to stop using drugs and living on the street, when: you are on drugs and living on the street.

So:

1. should I stay

2. or should I go now?

Any opinions would be helpful as this is bothering me. I can handle the alcoholic part, and the drug part, but he is hanging out in crack houses. Never been inside one, and don't know how to act.

Thanks!

soberclover

I think your intentions are noble, but I personally, wouldn't go. Although I am an experienced clinician as well as a very experienced addict and person in recovery, I have learned that I cannot save everyone. Maybe you could think of ways to provide support/education to the other people who don't understand the dynamics of addiction. It's a full-time job just to break down the stigma of addiction.

strategery

I can relate from both a family perspective as well as my own perspective. While I commend you on wanting to help the friend, unless he wants to seek help himself, your efforts will be futile.

GroundhogDay

There may be some social service agencies and/or non-profit organizations in the city you can contact for help with this. Also, I know in my county, the police maintain contact with the homeless and talk to them on a regular basis. At least get a feel for his situation before attempting to approach him (with someone street-savvy with you). And be prepared to be rebuffed. It's a free country, and yeah, he needs to want to quit. You don't have the authority to force him into rehab.

As far as getting injured or killed, obviously, you don't want to take that risk. That is why you need to understand the situation first and work with local authorities and charities.

ScottFromWI

You can't make stop, he will need to make the decision for himself whether you stay or go.

LBrain

I'm with Bill Murray on this. Sorry to hear about your friend. But if you just go down there without knowing all the facts and being prepared it will be a wasted trip. And you could find yourself in a perilous situation.
Look to local social service organizations. Even try to contact a local NA group for input. You may get more insight into the local lay of the land from someone in the program.
Just a thought...

Nowsthetime

Don't go. What if something happens, what about YOUR wife and kids. We all know he has to help himself. I'm so sorry... The situation stinks.

Ellay

I think you are a fantastic friend. Is he on facebook still? how about reaching out to him first that way? I have a feeling that his wife and family tried to help him long before he ended up on the streets. If they couldn't get through to him, what makes you think you can, especially now that he has been taken hostage by drugs? I am not trying to be nasty...just a question.

herradura

Thanks for the input. I tried to call him but he keeps getting new phones as his runs out? He is on FB but can only access it when he has a new phone? Anyway, glad I asked for the opinions and it is pretty clear I will not head down there. It just kills me as he has three little kids, and these guys don't deserve this crap.

Not that it matters, but this guy had the whole shebang, house, wife kids, cars, truck, everything. Now in 6 months he is on the street. I will spare the details because they make me sick to my stomach, things like trading a nearly new car for drugs? You know, like $40000 for $2000 of drugs?

Makes me sad and will reach out to some old business partners in the area to see if they have access to some local help. Hard to be in tune with what is going on, but it is Christmas and his kids should not be worried where their Dad is, and he should not be psychotic and trading in his life for drugs.

It sad, but thanks again for the advice, I figured this would be the place to go to get some advice.

anattaboy

I left Las Vegas in "08 cuz I was in a bad cycle of day labor/meth binges and of course all the time drinking. The desert is not warm at night in the winter. Had to call a brother, borrow money, move home (MO--it had been awhile) crash at Dad's. I haven't done meth since then and quit booze in Jan '10. Sometimes a geographical change can help if it's part of the over-all plan to quit. Mine wasn't exactly a plan. I was just trying to get away from THEM. Not knowing if said friend is anywhere near ready is problematic. And how long can you babysit? Just things to consider. I'm all for giving the leg up if time and resources are available but we all want it to work and there are no guarantees there.

Kero

I've never dealt with a situation like this, so take my opinion for what its worth.

Can your mutual friend get him a message? If so, I would just let him know that you are there if/when he ever wants help. If possible just let him know you are worried about him.

I wouldn't blame you one bit for not going there. You have your family to worry about. I know how strong a bond is between friends, but obviously you don't want something awful to happen to you. I agree too that forcing him into rehab is probably not going to work. I know with my drinking that anytime people tried to convince me to quit before I was ready it just made things worse.

dwtbd

Is there anything you can do to help his family? Trying to figure out to get a gun on a plane or the proper way to behave in a crack house just doesn't sound realistic as a safe way to help. You can put the offer of help out to your friend and hope he responds but that is really on him ,yes? I'd say contact the wive and see if she needs anything.

bunnezjp

Please don't go.

Bunnez

herradura

Anattaboy, Kero;

I have not dealt with this either. Alcohol yes, Prescription drugs yes, but living on the streets shooting and smoking coke, no. I thought I could get him out of town, and take him to a house and just help him for a week or so. I think getting him out of the environment would be good.

I suppose this just puts a face on the problem for me for the first time. I asked my wife if I could take him to my ranch and she said, HELL NO. He would steal everything we have and sell it. He has already done that to his family and his Mother.

I care for the person, he has been a friend for 40+ years, but what I am really concerned with are his kids. I think I will get ahold of his ex-wife and see if I can help them as I am sure they are having a difficult time. Resources spent on them would at least provide a break and a good Christmas. I fear resources on my friend would only provide more drugs and make the problem worse.

I always wondered how people could lose everything so quickly, but I guess this is a perfect example. When you trade your assets for 10 cents on the dollar it does not take long to lose a lifetime of possessions. This also explains how people lose fortunes.

I will get ahold of his ex and see what I can do.

Thanks again.

CAPTAINZING2000

There but for the grace of God go I.

Harsh reality, drugs and alcohol destroys us before it eventually kills us.
Salvation Army has rehab for people down and out..

The Salvation Army - Adult Rehabilitation

sugarbear1

if the guy is asking for help, it's a different story, but if you are trying to save him, I doubt it will work yet.

prayers help now

JanieJ

I think doing something for his wife and kids will at least make you feel that you have helped in some concrete way.

What a sad situation