wpainterw

The Beast in the “lizard” part of the brain, , sometimes referred to as the AV (Addictive voice), seems never to vanish entirely despite years of sobriety. My beast’s heyday was 40 years of episodic drinking, during which I attempted to use my wife as a “control”. She seems to delight in taking care of children and was willing to chaperone my Beast. My Beast did not mind if she kept it on a leash now and then because it knew that eventually the time would come when she had to go away, perhaps to visit a friend or relative. And it knew that it would then be let off the leash and that it would take charge, leading me down the slippery slope to a relapse. So eventually, when things got bad enough, I had to learn to stop using my wife as a control. I had to learn that only I could cage the beast for good, do it by myself and for myself. No one else could do it for me. My wife took a fall this morning and has to be in the hospital briefly with a broken wrist. I’m at home now and I have no craving or inclination for a drink. But i can still faintly hear my Beast moaning in its cage, “Remember the good old days! The parties we used to have when she was away!. The good times we used to have! Those opportunities don’t come very often. You can control it. You can always stop after a day or two! I’ve always been your friend. I will help you.” It’s very soft, low, frail after all these years. I really have to put on my hearing aid to hear it
I don’t know whether there is anything like an “addictive personality” but I sense that addictive behavior can take many forms. For example, when stymied by abstention from alcohol or some addictive substance, a person may become addicted to rich desserts or even to “sugar free” cookies. Caroline Knapp, shortly after her recovery from alcohol, became addicted to her dog. (see her book, “Pack of Two”). After a recent heart valve replacement I felt sorry for myself (“Poor Me!”) and became addicted to “sugar free” cookies. In my early years of recovery I often wondered why old timers often seemed so overweight. Now I knew.. when my dentist today found four new cavities. On returning home I threw away the cookies, silenced the beast and resolved to be more careful, since, despite all these years, he’s still able to plot something. Fortunately, I believe that it will be far easier for me to recover from my “sugar free” cookie addiction than if I were again addicted to alcohol. But I can’t say the same for my dog addiction. In that respect I seem to be on a maintenance dose of dog. Is this deep doggie denial? Am I truly sober? I’ll leave that to you!

Dee74

Sorry about the cavities wpainter

D

zerothehero

I do think there is such a thing as an "addictive personality." Many of us have multiple addictions and/or move from one to another. Alcohol has been a challenge, but sugar was more difficult. I am proud to say, however, that I recently got blood work done and my triglycerides have dropped from 300 to 62. I'm no longer "pre-diabetic." Over Thanksgiving, though, I let myself eat some pie. That led to three more days of sugar binging. It felt like a relapse.

I've been chipping away at my addictions. And they are not all in full control. It seems addictive behavior and obsessive/compulsive disorder are closely related, but I haven't really researched that formally.

But some addictions are less damaging than others. Exercise is generally healthy unless it is excessive and becomes unhealthy or if a person is avoiding responsibilities. Same with dogs. Relationships with dogs are generally healthy. Companionship. Walking. Playing. Cuddling. Some go overboard and spend ridiculous amounts of money on their dogs. This can lead to money problems like any addiction can - like gambling...

Is your dog addiction a concern? Is it negatively affecting your life? If not, love up your dog and smile.

brynn

Thanks so much for this insightful post!

wpainterw

zerothehero: Not to worry. My dog addiction is not a concern either to me or to my co dependent dog enabler. As I said, I'm on a maintenance dosage of fur. If something happens to the dog, I'll get another...and another....and another.

nmd

Thank you, and I hope your wife is doing well.

The AV is a sneaky little devil isn't it?

Tonks

I'm not ready to quit cookies =( one step at a time

jerri11

I'm trying very hard not to LOL, or I'll wake up the whole house. I have 3 corgies, so I might just have a fur "Problem".

chicory

William, I am sorry that your wife broke her wrist! hope it heals well and quickly. The cavities, oh, well you would think that sugarfree would not be so damaging!

hugs to the lovely pooch.. always good to read one of your posts I would not mind getting addicted to a nice West Highland Terrier, myself.

hugs,
chicory

wpainterw

Ten thousand thanks for your replies. My dentist is concerned that if he cleans my teeth I could get something called bacterial endocarditis, an infection which comes from the blood stream and which could cause what is known as a "regurgitation" of the aortic heart valve implant, so that the whole valve thing would have to be done all over (hopefully without the ghastly and inexcusable terrifying aftermath of bladder infection bungled by the urological "specialist" consult). So the sisyphus rock would be rolled down over me and we would be back at ground zero. But not ground zero since I have learned that the path to wisdom comes by suffering.
I am saddened and devastated that I was not informed of this and yet thankful that i went to a dentist who was smart enough to alert me to the danger. Needless to say I shall take suitable precautions even if all my teeth fall out. Despite my inquiries I have not yet heard from my cardiologist. I may go back to the folks who did the heart operation and get another consult on this.
Thanks for your concern. It just goes to show that when you're upset and down in the dumps the place to go is SoberRecovery. That's where people really care!

W.

MIRecovery

I'm powerless over my addiction to dogs and they definitely make my life unmanageable on a regular basis. Lately our spaniel has decided 4:00AM is a great time to chase deer

sprout50

Sorry your wife broke her wrist. My mother was born with a heart problem and before every dentist visit they have had to put her on antibiotiics. Sounds like you will need the same?

wpainterw

MIRecovery:
What's wrong with chasing deer at 4:00 a.m.? Down south they hunt raccoons at night. And duck hunters get up early and often have whiskey for breakfast!
And, speaking of whiskey, sometimes a big hurdle to recovery is medical care. Like back in 1958 a New York doctor gave me an RX for chloral hydrate in liquid solution, PRN with unlimited renewals. And in 1967 a Kansas doctor gave me an RX for 100 valium with several renewals. So my motto is "Illigitimis Non Carborundum!" (Don't let the bas------s) wear you down!)..

W.

VikingGF

In Caroline Knapp's final book, "Why Women Want" she explores the need to have, to drink, to obsess and such.

I'll take a dog-addiction any day.

Very sorry to hear of your cardiac/dental problems- I hope it all works out.

chicory

William, it's so true.... I have had countless offers of pain meds after procedures , dental mostly, when it was NOT necessary. I always refuse.. who needs more problems in life?

I am glad you have someone watching over you, William. I have a slight mitral valve prolapse, and I am supposed to get antibiotics before any dental surgeries too, for the same reason.

hugs, and pets for the pooch,
chic

wpainterw

Thanks so much! As I've said I'm appalled that the cardio doctors didn't alert me to the need to have antibiotics prior to certain dental procedures. Fortunately my dentist knew but that is no excuse. And it was only by chance that I told him since he had not inquired. By not informing me they were risking a collapse of the valve replacement, which could have caused a stroke, heart attack or death. And, at a minimum, a "redo" of the valve replacement, hopefully without the bungled aftermath of prematurely releasing me from hospital, so that I was in the ER ten hours later in unbelievable pain seizures from a bladder infection acquired in the hospital. The surgery was magnificent but I can't say anything for the rest.

W.

chicory

I know that must have been an horrendous experience, William. Thank goodness it was a successful heart surgery.

I believe that doctors are so busy now, that it's not possible for them to give the best of care for us. We have to be our own advocates much of the time.

hope your wife is feeling alright today. Luckily it was only her wrist, and not a hip or other misfortune. my best to you both today!

least

I have a strong dependence on my dogs and cats so I understand the fur addiction. I'd be lost without them.

Nuudawn

Thank you for this post wp. I too am so very sorry to hear about your wife's distress...and yours. I hear ya on the whole "addictive" personality thing... but sometimes, I just wonder if I just have this huge voracious hole longing to be filled. Some call it a "God hole"...but I dunno, if even God can fill it ya know.

I am a spiritual seeker and it led me to a church in Portland last year where I heard an absolutely riveting pastor. His message was amazing and the guy has written some great books...but I couldn't help noticing he was morbidly obese.

I do not say that as judgement..I say that in out and out curiosity...

What hole was he unable to fill? What within himself could he not "quell".

I too am a "cookie monster".

wpainterw

Speakng of "holes" there was a recent article about a small boy falling down a hole in a sand dune up on Indiana Dunes, on the eastern shore of Lake Michigan. Normally sand dunes don't have sink holes but this one did. Apparently the dune was slowly moving eastward and swallowed up a tree, which, decaying and covered with sand, gradually disappeared and left a cavity. The boy was somehow rescued and is well today.
Yes, doctors are busy these days, what with alcohol and substance abuse, etc. And a so called "patient" (literally one who "suffers") has to be vigilant. So alcoholics and substance abusers have to be careful that their doctors are properly trained and know how or when to prescribe, closely supervising renewals and amounts and being alert to "doctor shopping", patients using multiple doctors. I keep telling the story about how, in my early days of recovery, the first doctor I went to (very classy, on upper Fifth Ave. in N.Y. C.), gave me a perpetually renewable RX for liquid chloral hydrate and another, years later, gave me 100 valium, with at least three renewals. Like giving a drunk a whiskey bottle and saying, "Here take this for sleep! PRN!"

W.