Fly N Buy

can't resist, sorry........
A wingnut???

Gilmer

I wish I could give two thanks to Bimini's post!

fini

those are NOT the only choices.

Artfriend,
only you know where you're at.
there were some things i could do when newly sober ( i could go to my family's christmas event, where there was lots of booze available) and others i couldn't (not to my daughter's birthday party where there would be lots of booze available) a couple of weeks later.
different people, different settings, different "feel" to the occasion, different feel of how i'd be in the scenario.

check your motives, tomsteve might say.
look inside and check again. and again. really want to hear him play? see how he is now? that's it?
really have convoluted hopes of something else? really have a yankering for the possibility of just one drink even though you don't drink? really have an inkling that you might want to throw the switch and have a night of wild drunk sex? thereby validating his scoffing at your desire for ongoing sobriety?

those are just a few questions only YOU can answer.

be safe.

for me, asking myself questions and listening to my gut-feeling-answers has turned out well.

Fandy

true friends do not belittle your accomplishments (like being sober) or call you pet names like "lightweight"

Even if they don't understand it, they support you and respect your decisions.

He sounds so "charming" is he worth your time? If you really want to do see him, suggest the next day for coffee, breakfast, brunch...You look great in real bright light, if he really wants to see you for friendship he will say yes.

I'm just suggesting that you take control of the meeting where you have firm footing.

JT0626

AF,

You have been given great advice already. I am still new in my sobriety just like you. Just put you & your sobriety first above anything else.

(((hugs))) I am sure you will make the right decision, I believe in you.

Nuudawn

I was going to say something different until I followed the link Haennie provided...

Given what you wrote about weakening resolve, I don't think it's weird you are considering seeing the old flame..whatsoever. I'm kind of surprised Haennie thinks its weird actually. It's kind of the ideal opportunity for your addiction no??

If it were me, and an old flame was in town, I would probably get a bit of a kick being someone who has transcended who I once was..and flaunting it whilst looking and being fabulous...IF that was my intention. But it kinda sounds like their is more to it ..than that.

YOU are the only one who knows what "this" is all about....

If your "addiction" is grinning in the background like a Cheshire cat...then you know.

Good on you for posting about this. You don't want to lose your sobriety...do only what you think you can handle.

mfanch

Title: "oh crap"

"It would be great to see him, BUT...."

"I'm conflicted."

Sounds like you should not meet with this person. Having said that, I don't meet up with old flames, personally. They are in the past for a reason. They need to stay there. So that is just me.

Aellyce

So if you liked the previous share... here is some current stuff.

Yes for cute sober guys! My suggestion is that you focus on stabilizing your sobriety and your working on issues you feel uncomfortable/insecure about for a few months, along with allowing you to experience what life is like sober, and where your interests and priorities lie in this new phase of your life. Let all this sink in for a while. Make connections with others that seem to fit into your new code of values and preferences, make friends with them if you can... but stay away from getting into overly intimate and challenging situations during this time. It is simply to allow us to become more grounded and stable in this phase with all the new ways of feeling, thinking, initial intense ups and downs.

You seem to like coming to SR often and posting here... so keep this up. You also sound like wanting connections with people in your immediate reality -- this is why I suggested recovery-oriented activities initially, simply because they would be in line with your current goals. They don't have to be AA or other strictly recovery-related groups though... For example, I started going to yoga classes in my second month in, and went back to a philosophy school I had attended a few years ago but stopped going because, sadly, I preferred drinking my time away... In both of these environments, I've found like-minded people, interested in taking their lives to the next level, working on personal issues, on finding fulfillment and balance in their lives, quite a few people with significant (often difficult) life experiences and on a journey of self-actualization. It was such a wonderful experience to do these things and to connect people like this again (much like here on SR)... basically people like I am (and was even in the past, before drinking interfered)... some people with whom we understand each-other on a pretty deep level. So I keep going to both classes, ~once a week now, and I get a lot out of these activities. I also try to make sure that I don't start to now obsess about these things... sometimes I do for a while but then I stop myself. Learning to keep healthier boundaries.

I also had a couple temptations for dating earlier this year, but basically turned them down after the initial interest because I sensed that either I was not ready or the people involved would not have been a progressive step for me to get involved with. I also decided early on to take that infamous "leap of faith" and listen to the suggestions of others with long-term sobriety.

It is often recommended here that we don't start new relationships during the first year. I think it's a wise generalization, if we want to allow generalizations. I did not last the whole year and started dating someone new at around the ~9 month or so mark... after 3 months of keeping him at a reasonable distance and communicating mostly virtually. But in the end, all the information and experience gave me a sense of confidence... that this was a mentally pretty outstandingly mature, stable, and healthy individual. So I decided to explore further. Have not regretted for a moment so far (~1.5 month into seeing each-other); it's actually contributed to a new level of relaxation, satisfaction, and meaning in my sobriety. I also told him about my recovery on maybe... the 3rd date. No issues. He is pretty much a "normie" with drinking, as we like to call it; he does drink occasionally but so far never once wanted to have a drink while together, and we go out to restaurants or musical events. He has his own friends to drink with. I think I would, and will, be comfortable with him having a drink or two or even a few around me sometimes, as I would not like to limit anyone. Things just did not go in that direction so far. It's also a kind of slow relationship... we meet no more often that 2-3 times per week currently. Seems to work well at the moment.

I sometimes start to revel in my past obsessiveness regarding relationships now when I am alone or when I talk with people who have similar obsessive tendencies. Sometimes question myself and this new, "calmer" thing... and I admit that at times I feel a little nostalgic about all the intensity in my past. Other times, not even a little. But I've figured these are now more or less fleeting moments for me... and I much prefer this more balanced, more realistic, more down-to-earth, less all-consuming relationship here and now. Kinda learning a different way to love. We'll see where all this goes of course. End of story for now

AF, I sense a lot of creative potential in you to explore a sober life -- I will say, go for it at full force!

Nowsthetime

I'm like Nuudawn. I would have just answered his call, told him I was doing great and hung up... Booze or not. I just wouldn't want to reintroduce the drama into my life. Now add the booze factor and it makes my opinion even stronger. He doesn't sound so great. If I were you and went, I would assert my sobriety. You need to feel it out and if when you mention it he is not supportive then Im with Anna. Not worth having in your life.

You are fabulous and you live in the now, not the past. He is from the past.

Hawkeye13

I had many musicians in my life, and I have to admit for many years
enjoyed the lifestyle, including the drinking, of playing and hearing music.

I could easily go out and do that now with some three years of total sober time under my belt,
but I don't think I would have met an exboyfriend at the bar and watch them play early in my sobriety.
I would meet them for a meal, a coffee, or even a walk and talk however. . . it is good to connect

But being in the bar would have been too Pavlovian for me--the bell would ring, and I would drool and order that drink.

Only you know your true limits this early ArtFriend.
I get the attraction, but the price of admission may be very high

Good luck!

Hawks

Over in the F&F section, Ladyscribbler once described her method of conversing with newcomers to that section who ask things like

"my boyfriend of 6 months is now drinking more frequently and last weekend he pushed me against a wall, now he is Sooooo sorry and promises it will never happen again and he will cut back his drinking....... What should I do? "

She doesn't tell them what to do..... She "lays out big orange traffic cones " along the path.

Some see the danger and say "I should probably end it", some say "thank you for your advice, but I think this guy is sincere, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt"

Consider this Hawks laying out of lots of big orange traffic cones

All the best with your decisions

Dee74

There's some awesome advice here AF. I really hope you take it.

There is no need to be a hermit - but there's no need to walk into the lion cage with a steak tied around your neck either.

there's a lot of red flags in this scenario, and I think your AV is doing the Tasmanian devil thing right now


D

PurpleKnight

Is this guy really that great of a friend if he's going to belittle a pretty life changing decision as Sobriety? For me those people in my life needed to take a backseat, I needed to have people around me that backed me all the way, especially when it came to my health, surely that was a reasonable expectation?

The hermit thing was something my mind used to sell me all the time, the reality was if it took me a year of sitting in each night, then that was what it was going to take, no point in going out, having a great social life and then ending up back at square one again, sitting in wasn't going to kill me, there's only so much green tea one can drink, but I may not have come back from a night out and not being ready for it!!

I had to do what I had to do to build up those Sober muscles early in Sobriety, that meant some tough choices, a few angry people and many a night in spent on SR, but that all built the foundation for where I am now, which is far from a hermit, it just took time!!

Low

To me is seems simple, if you are not at a point where the obsession to drink has lifted, and alcohol still has some pull on you when you are surrounded by it, you don't go.

SoberD

Exacly this ^^. I'm guessing there will be a lot of peer pressure for you to drink and reignite that "boozy relationship." A classic drunk dude move...

AdmimalBlueEyes

Definetly pass this invatation up, your still a infant when it comes to sobriety, maybe in a year when you have some momentum can you contemplate such a meeting

mavrick

I think you could be on a slippery slope here!

Personally I would ask him around to your place where you can feel more comfortable.

soberlicious

He's a scoffer. That would be a big no for me.

bunnezjp

You can still keep Sober for a good hook-up. Just sayin'...

Bunnez

HeartsAfire

You're changing your stripes. Could it be possible he's changed his? For me it's dangerous territory when I start thinking I'm the only person who has changed & grown without even giving the other person a chance to prove me otherwise.

I have nothing more to add except that whatever you decide (go, don't go, meeting for coffee instead, etc) have a plan. I think you've got to be prepared for all scenarios:

1) if you go you need a plan to stay sober

2) if you don't go you need a plan to stay sober & strong in that decision

3) if he tries to persuade you after you say no you need to make sure your resolve to stay sober is stronger than your curiosity about an old flame

4) if his reaction to you not attending is cavalier you need a plan to not find comfort in the drink.

I could go on & on but you get my drift. You, my dear, need a plan. Kudos to you for reaching out for help in formulating one well in advance.

Good luck. Keep us posted.