CAPTAINZING2000

I didn't see any mention of where your ex bf is playing.

Do you have a sober friend that would go with you to listen to the music?
hmm...... what do women call a wing man??

Aellyce

Agreed on being a hermit is never good in the long run. I was one huge hermit during the last 1-2 years if my drinking. But AF... you are freshly sober and you seem so fragile... why not focus your social endeavors on things that directly support your recovery and don't give you doubts and fears? Maybe explore some recovery groups? Or group therapy?
Make new, sober friends, or friends that won't compromise your sobriety in any way.

Jsbodhi

Oh tough call! Sexy jazz musician ex!!!!
I agree with ubn, he might not scoff at all, I haven't got a scoff from anyone, even my heavy drinking musician friends. Were you a bar drinker? Or at home alone?
I seem to be fine at bars and pubs, home is where my problem is.

Jsbodhi

Good idea!
He might even be supportive of you not drinking at keep an eye on you while you're there, maybe tell him you're off the drink for serious before, and see what he says, someone that genuinely cares about you will have your back.
If he scoffs, he's not worth seeing anyway ( I know, easier said than done )
Xoxo

ArtFriend

I drank more at home than in bars mostly because it was cheaper, I didn't have to drive home and the bar scene gets old after a while. He is playing at a club in downtown Dallas. I have heard his band play on youtube and they sound great but of course not the same as in person.

Soberpotamus

Jazz... ah, that's hard to turn down. And a sexy ex? Drinks in the vicinity, the whole atmosphere. That might be really tough, AF.

My thoughts lean toward a big NO

And that is because this is a perfect storm setup for all sorts of rationalizations and justifications, you know?

The guy, the music, the dim lights... the drinks.

I don't think I would've done it early on. And so my advice to anyone is to probably steer clear for now.

Why not suggest to him meeting for coffee the morning after the gig (or brunch, rather!), then off to a park or museum?

aasharon90

I guess if I were in a similar situation
as you then I would probably welcome
a little excitement in my recovery life.

Anything to do with music brings
joy to me. Then to go listen and
see a band would really give me
joy.

However, Id have to make sure
I have my recovery thoughts and
program in place using all my tools
and all the knowledge ive learned
over the years to help me make this
decision easier, helpful and honest
as possible.

Starting out on a foot where Ive
not been totally honest about my
recovery and life would only lead
me to more complications down the
road.

If I really want to see this person,
then he would have to know where
I am in my life and in my recovery
because sobriety and recovery is above
all the most important thing in my
life, for with out remaining sober and
honest, I have nothing.

If I want to see him bad enough, Id
have to make sure I was secured in
my program. I have to make sure that
in order for me to remain sober in a
drinking atmosphere that I would have
to have some back up, some one sober
with me that we will be able to support
each other while listening to the band.

Of course for me, a bar is no place for
this alcoholic in recovery. However, If
the guy Im going to see play, knows im
in recovery and I asked him to keep
me safe from the temptations of alcohol,
allows me to sit near him while he plays,
and if he's not drinking himself, then id go.

He would definitely have to know well
before hand that recovery and sobriety
is top priority and under no circumstances
will I drink. If he cant accept my wishes
and my life in recovery, then for me it's
a no brainer. This event will just have to
pass me by.

Since I love music, there are other means
to listen to it and enjoy it sober with support
and understanding from someone other
than him who does.

This of course is my own thoughts if
I were in a situation similar to yours.

biminiblue

So. Elephant in the room.

Are you wanting to start a little something something with him? Are you feeling lonely? Do you have thoughts of a relationship? Because you broke up for a reason.

Early sobriety and romantic mistakes are a recipe for disaster. No one's music is that good.

ArtFriend

haennie - thank you for your concern... really. I am fragile in the sense that I've basically turned my life around and am at the baby step phase. I am on track for some counseling. I know I need new sober friends, but I am a rather shy person and making friends is not easy for me. So that is why I gravitate too old friends instead of making new ones. And it takes time.

ScottFromWI

It seems as though perhaps you have already made your mind up AF, no?

At the very least, if you do go ( and I personally think its' a bad idea - a very bad idea ) you absolutely need to lay it out to him BEFORE you go that you do not drink anymore and that you will not be drinking. He may be fine with it, he may not - and if he's not then you can avoid the issue completely and just politely decline. But if you do NOT tell, him, he will expect you to be drinking. Most likely he'll have a drink ready for you the instant you show up. Can you honestly say you'll be able to decline that?

ArtFriend

You have all given me excellent advice (as usual) and a lot to think about. He won't be here until next weekend, so I can form a plan. I am leaning on not going (at least this minute)...for all the reasons you stated.

Thanks again SR! You are the best!

Aellyce

I know... Sorry about the word I used and for being so short. I guess I've reacted strongly because I had very similar dilemmas about an ex that I was really into in the past and we separated a few years before I quit drinking. It was during the relationship with this ex when my drinking really escalated, of course no blame on him but he is an alcoholic too, and our relationship was heavily "boozy", to cite your expression. I kept drinking after separating from him and also kept reconnecting with him; I was totally unable to quit during that time. Again, no blame on him or the relationship because it was me not doing anything for my sobriety... but even emails with him were huge triggers every single time. Let alone the occasional brief meetings...

Then, I saw him again after over 2 years of no meeting and almost no communication earlier this fall, I was over 8 months sober and doing well with sobriety. He was on a work visit in the institution where I am now so could not avoid. It was a pretty big hit in the head and very triggering. I had other stresses and emotional challenges at the time so no idea how much of my turmoil was due to meeting him again, but I was pretty ***ed up mentally for a few days and ended up running to the ER... I did not drink and completely resisted doing anything with him in private, but the "cravings" I had about him, seeing him again, were pretty much as intense and crazy as the cravings I got for alcohol in the first couple months of my sobriety. And I also had thoughts of drinking again, that I had not had for a while before. Extremely uncomfortable.

You know... the way it works, these memories (drinking and people, especially people who had strong impact on us) are associated in our brains and minds, one can very effectively trigger the other. This is why my suggestion to avoid the whole things completely if you can, especially considering how vulnerable you seem to be (I wasn't at the time and it still hit me like a tons of bricks). I completely understand the temptation, like others here... it's just that it's very risky. You could go to musical events as much as you want, completely independently of all this.

Tonks

Sorry, but for some reason i found that statement really funny... Lol!!

Hello, AF =) I think everyone here is just trying to say be careful in what choices you make. Choice is what makes us have that first drink/use... yet choice is what brought all of us here together seeking support in our recovery after all. They are sharing their own life experiences with you in the hopes that you'll learn from that and not stumble on your own path. The times we are most fragile is when we need to stack the deck in our favor and not set ourselves up to stumble.

It seems you've been down this same road with this same guy before. Maybe it's time to try door #2?

Anna

Those words say it all for me.

I wouldn't spend a minute with someone who would scoff at my sobriety, not a minute. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it's fine if people don't understand that, but, I draw the line at scoffing.

ArtFriend

The reason I said he would scoff is that back in the day when we were bar hopping etc. I would tell him that I wanted to slow down the drinking. That was met with a push back and remarks about me being a light weight, etc. There were 3 of us in the relationship... me, him and the booze. I don't want to make it sound like we were Jack Lemon and Lee Remick, but booze was a factor. So, unless he has completely changed his stripes, I think he would be suspect of my sobriety.

Thanks for helping me think that out Anna. Another reason to stay away I guess.

Frixion

Try to discover the real reasons you want to go. Maybe you love his music? Maybe you still have feelings for him? Maybe you are romanticizing alcohol? Maybe you are wanting to create some of your old joys such as jazz & that environment? etc.

Now that you have figured out the reasons you want to go, look at each reason and evaluated them. Right now is where your addictive voice (AV) will shine - It will lie to you and give you ANY reason to go into a toxic environment. Your AV will romanticize old situations & remind you of the fond time (strategically forgetting about the bad times).

After you have evaluated that come out with a probable solution as previously suggested, bring a sober friend, meet him some where "dry", just cancel all together, etc.. As a side note I think we have all had 'miraculous' drinking days, and although fun it is better to just let the past stay in the past & focus on future goals, hopes, & dreams. I hope you all the best!

ArtFriend

Thanks for sharing that haennie. I totally get what you are saying about cravings..for booze and for the man you once loved. And how it can be intertwined. I am really seeing more and more disadvantage to seeing him at this point.

Any cute sober guys out there?? LOL!

ubntubnt

ah AF, back in the day is back in the day. people move on, relationships move on and you have moved on. If you would genuinely like to meet up again and catch up I would not necessarily assume that he would scoff at you. why not give him a call for a few mins and see how he is, run the situation past him and gauge his reaction?

GroundhogDay

This

GroundhogDay

lol, Scott said it already