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My husband met someone in rehab and wants divorce

Old 12-10-2014, 10:57 AM
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My husband met someone in rehab and wants divorce

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. I'm writing cause I'm having a hard time moving on from my future ex RAH and I'm hoping to get some words of advice and encouragement from others who have gone through this or anyone that can give me some insight from my husband's point of view.
We've know each other for 17 years, together for 11 and married for almost 8.
Throughout our marriage I've always been concerned about his lack of control when going out with friends. Always drank a bit too much, would use drugs if offered to him etc. Most of the times he never admitted it to me and just said I was being paranoid, controlling and exaggerated. Even after a couple of times after finding suspicious things around the house he would tell me friends left it behind while I was away visiting my home country. We would argue but I always chose to give him benefit of the doubt and believe him. Feel so ignorant now.

I can't say we've had the happiest marriage ever. We've had our issues, and I accept my responsibilities. Maybe I haven't been the best wife I could have been. A lot was due to my anxiety. A lot to my frustration of lack of him being home, and then expecting me to be emotionally available at his request. And a lot due to feeling constantly let down. It still doesn't excuse it.

After both actively trying for a couple of months I became pregnant with our daughter. The night I found out and shared the news with him my world crumbled. I found him hiding a vial of cocaine in our trash can.
Things got pretty bad, so I seeked marriage counseling. Again, for some reason I must have been in denial of the severity of his issue. I guess due to my lack of knowledge on the subject, and because I kept believing him that it wasn't as bad as it looked.
He said he quit everything after that day. He was very depressed and I was somewhat resentful and my pregnancy was not a happy one unfortunately.

I gave birth to our beautiful daughter last year and that's when things got very bad. Family came over to visit and he was a wonderful present dad. It's when everyone left that things got bad. I couldn't get him to help me out with anything, long hours at work again, "drinks with clients" (I later found out that these repeated client dinners where drinks with a lady friend), and then basically slept through the whole weekend for the rest of the year. I only could get him to walk the dog (now I know that's when he would take care of his business when he wasn't doing it at work). Started telling me I had a pretty serious mental illness he's been talking about with our therapist behind my back. I felt absolutely insane. Fighting got out of control. I decided to go visit family to get my bearings and came back to find all of my belongings and my daughters stuff stored in another room.

I drew the line and realized something was very wrong for once. I started looking around the house and nothing as usual, till I found rolled up dollar bills in his jacket so I decided to confront him. Even after showing him coke residue in my hands from the bills he would still tell me he couldn't see anything. It was madness.

He finally admitted to me one afternoon that he had a problem. But that his main problem was not coke. It was opiates and that this has been going on for at least 5 years. I couldn't believe it. I was heartbroken from years of lying and so worried for his health. But I thought it was at least a positive step he was recognizing it. I tried to be as understanding and supportive as possible, and he quit cold turkey. For a week.

He started using again so much that he was starting not to be functional anymore. I found out his dealer is three blocks from home too which is a disaster. I decided not to wake him up for work anymore as I have been doing for years without knowing and tried to carry on with my life and not expect anything from him. But it was hard not to be obsessed with wondering if he would make it home that night, or if he was ODing somewhere when hours went by and he was nowhere to be found when he was supposedly at work. I told his mom about it and ask her to come over and basically help me with an intervention. Feb 17th we dropped him of at rehab for 30 inpatient treatment program. I was so proud of him, and also looking forward for us to be better. I was eager to start therapy myself and deal with some of my anxiety issues. I thought this would be a good time to really give ourselves a good last try with the right tools and help. For us, cause I love him, but I felt our daughter deserved another chance as well.

Three days after rehab dismissal while he was in sober living said he wanted a separation, he met someone in there and he is no longer is in love with me.
When people describe the feeling of air being knocked out of them, it is literally how it felt. My world was flipped over in a matter of minutes.
I asked him if he would consider seeing a specialized marriage counselor and holding off his relationship till we have each other a good educated try. But nope, he said it would never work out.
Just like that. I was a total shocked mess.
So I left with plans to be with my family for a couple of months, start therapy, give him the space he requested with hopes that things would change over time. But he continued to treat me like trash, blame me for all his problems and said he wanted a divorce. Found out he started bringing her home the day after we left. 6 months and two relapses later, and girl moved in our apartment he hasn't filed for divorce. One of our cars got stolen, and the other one he crashed on a bridge (which he lied to insurance). He started going through crazy spending splurges and asking for any child support has become an ordeal. Our bank accounts are getting drained. He's even said that his girlfriend wanted to meet me? Are we crazy here? He then added he's a certified bipolar and that he is in lithium now which might explain some of his irrational behaviors. I don't know what is what, but I guess it doesn't matter.
The worst has been the fact that he barely called our daughter.

So I decided I would file myself since nothing was moving forward. I don't want a divorce, I love him and understand he has issues, but I also know his mind's been made up and there is nothing that I can do to change it. We would require tremendous hard work from both of our parts and I was willing to put my share. But It's been almost 9 months now, a few more relapses, more lies, and they are still a couple living at our home. Who am I kidding right? I'm just having such a hard time going through with it. How can 11 years together be erased in a matter of days? It's like we never were. He seems to show no remorse, no nothing. Done. He just replaced us with someone he met in a week's time. He seems to have no good memories of us together. I can remember the bad times, they will be hard to forget. But I can still rescue all the very happy times, and I think it's what makes it so hard. I don't know who he has become. It's heart drenching.

I want to desperately move on with my life, and I'm getting help myself which has saved my sanity. I wish I could go no contact but having a daughter together makes it impossible. I pray for him to get better every day, as that is the most important thing for me. I want my daughter to have a present and healthy father. And because besides all the pain he's put me through I love him still. At least the sweet, talented, considerate man I used to know. I know that part of him is still somewhere in there. I know none of the tremendous painful things he's said and done towards me lately were on purpose. At least I hope not. He's just recently showing more kindness towards me and started calling our daughter out of the blue which makes me happy. But him showing me the person I fell in love with once in a while makes it even harder. I want to be able to hate him you know?
I want what's best for him. I'm just struggling understanding his point of view, and trying to get over the pain. That's all.
Please excuse the long post. I got a little carried away.
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Old 12-10-2014, 10:59 AM
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Whoops. I think I just beat the post length record in here. My apologies.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:03 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

There's no problem at all with the length of your post.

I'm sorry for your situation with your ex, but it's good that he is contacting your daughter more often.

We do have a forum on this message board for Friends & Families which you might like to check out.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:05 AM
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Don't apologize for posting. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. To me, sadly, it sounds like he and the woman he met in rehab are probably using. Like A LOT. I know it's hard, but you need to keep your beautiful baby away from that for now. It has the potential to be very very toxic and dangerous. *hug*
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:11 AM
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I'm so sorry about your situation--it sounds like you've been lied to on many fronts by him and for a long time. You didn't deserve any of this and I can't imagine how much it must have hurt.

I'm going to give you a practical suggestion which you might not be ready to hear yet but one I think you should absolutely consider:

If you have access to any money in your joint accounts, I would move it out into an individual account and get to a lawyer right away. He sounds nowhere near his bottom and him calling a few times to be nice to your daughter will not pay the bills--he's squandering that money on drugs and unless you are wealthy, you need to protect your part of those assets. He won't like it, but you have your child to think of and not just yourself.

Others will be along soon I'm sure with some good advice and support.
Hugs to you and your daughter.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:13 AM
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I think a divorce is the smartest thing to do right now. He is going to bankrupt you if you don't separate your finances.

Any trouble he gets into while you are married will become your responsibility.

Please contact an attorney right away.


If he recovers, you can always start over. Right now, your financial future is in jeopardy. Ask me how I know. Been there.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:14 AM
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Have you retained a lawyer yet or did I miss reading it in your post?
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:17 AM
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I'm so sorry.

Jennifer
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:24 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. If he has relapsed and is with someone from rehab, it sounds like they are probably relapsing together. Sadly, I have heard this story before, many times. You can't change him-he doesn't want to change so he finds someone to use with.

Focus on you and your little girl. Keep her safe and find a life for you.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:25 AM
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Thank you everyone for your quick replies and taking the time to read my story. Anna, I realized that I should have probably posted in the other forum instead so I will take a look at it.

Thank you for all your kind replies. It's amazing how much it helps to have feelings validated some times. Birdsatemyface, I knew this was the case a few months back but I can't help but think this past months things are looking better for him. Maybe it's me falling for things again, but it's been a month streak which is definitely the longest so far. I hope it's for the best. This is the reason why I'm trying to be away from it all. I want my daughter to be around family and healthy people, and I want her to have a present and happy mom. It would be very difficult to do that being there right now. Plus I've been living with my parents all this time as I have nowhere to live and haven't been able to make enough to rent my own space.. Hawkeye, I've considered this too but unfortunately I don't have the authorization to do all of this (business accounts) and he has already opened a new one to which I don't have access to. So frustrating. But no, we are not wealthy so whatever I could get at this point is not worth the future headache. I just want to avoid conflict and further fighting at this point. Regardless of me not wanting to feel like I'm screwing him over I have to think of what's best for my daughter now and her future, so I'm trying to be considerate but not stupid, lol.
Thank you all again. I already feel better.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:25 AM
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I don't know what to offer for advice, but what a horrible story. I am so sorry you have been so rejected by your ex.

I do think it is good advice above, to try to get as much of your money in your won name until you settle things legally. I was also thinking about how he will drag you down the hole with him financially.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:27 AM
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We posted at the same time. Thank goodness you have your family support while you try to establish a new life for you and your daughter. At least you have that.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:28 AM
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Wow!
I would put all the emotions aside for now and try and salvage some money.
Get a lawyer yesterday!
This is beyond an emergency.
As said above, he is going to or has already bankrupted you.
Forget him, take care of you and your daughter.
Please.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:29 AM
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Biminiblue and captainzing, I have spoken to a lawyer but I was hoping to deal with things amicably through meditation. Maybe I'm asking for too much. I wouldn't be able to afford one at this point. But I do have one retained if I were to need it.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:32 AM
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Do what you feel is right. But it's sometimes hard to think objectively when you have a broken heart. I just wouldn't leave the kiddo alone with them if I could avoid it, know what I mean? I really wish you the best of luck with everything.
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Old 12-10-2014, 11:38 AM
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If he has opened a bank account that you do not have access to-big red flag. Use that lawyer.
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Old 12-10-2014, 12:14 PM
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Wow. You sound like a pretty awesome person and a great mom. You have a lucky daughter. Maybe don't try to hate him and love yourself.
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Old 12-10-2014, 12:36 PM
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(((forgetable)))

Protect that daughter from him, she does not need to be around a substance abuser. Also, I want you to re-read your post. There are many parts that sounded very abusive to me. You deserve to be happy and healthy and most importantly your daughter deserves to be protected.

Please check out friends and family forum as there are lots of lovely people there too who would love to help support you through this.
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Old 12-10-2014, 12:55 PM
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Sorry for your troubles.......
I am sure you'll find support here from many who have been where you are now. Check out friends and family section of the forum as well as newcomers, perhaps.

It's not your fault! Please, if you don't already - understand that truth. He has made multiple poor decisions to this point.

Time to take care of YOU and your lovely daughter
Hoping you find peace,
FlyN
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Old 12-10-2014, 01:09 PM
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Welcome,

This man has never been there for you or his daughter. This wheel helped me recognize some pretty crappy behavior that I thought was normal. I hope it helps you. I'd lawyer up for the divorce personally due to there being a child involved.

Hope we see you over at Friends and Family section!

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercon...lnoshading.pdf
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