Copper442

Day4 has taken a drastic turn from the optimistic view I had at the start of the day. I had such a beautiful clarity moment. I felt life just surge through me. For just a split second I knew without a shadow of a doubt that sobriety was stunning and something to be pursued. I felt unstoppable. Now, I'm hollow. My surroundings and the demands coming from every direction of my life have literally brought me to my knees. I feel like I'm being buried alive. Like there is no air in the room. My anxiety is so bad it hurts to breathe. I can't handle this. I want to scream. I want to cry. All I want is a drink.

I went to a celebratory lunch after one of my final exams and convinced my companions to go somewhere that didn't serve alcohol. But now I sit knowing copious amounts of alcohol are but a block away and available if I want it (perks of having wealthy friends......sarcasm). Not drinking at lunch depleted me of all the strength I have left to give. Just one drink the voices say. "I can make it all go away" it so seductively whispers in my ear. I'm so close to caving it scares me. I can taste a beer on the back of my throat and it nauseates me and increases my want of it simultaneously.

All of this makes me so angry! Why can't I control my own thoughts? Why am I so attracted to poison? to death? Why can't I recall all the negative effects alcohol has had on my life? I've taken a mental inventory but the memories are faded and lack luster. They don't resonate with me anymore. Life is full of heartache and trouble so why not at least experience a few hours of freedom and bliss? LIES all lies! I can't separate myself from the monster inside my head! I want out. I feel like I have outgrown my skin and yet it traps me inside.

I'm tossed to and fro by these thoughts. They plague me, cripple me. I find myself submerged under the waves sinking towards the undertow of hopeless helplessness. I'm struggling to reach the surface, to take a breath, to allow life to fill my lungs and push this fog out of my being but I don't know which way is up. I can't get this anxiety in check. I'm spiraling and my thoughts are racing faster than I can process. I need this to pass now. I don't know how much longer I can make it. I really don't want to throw away this progress. I'm at a loss.

Thepatman

Please make sure you are not hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

That's the first thing to check when you feel weak. Next is exactly what you just did, seek support on SR.

Do you have any additional support?

Mark1014

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. The early days do, unfortunately, have some wretched moments. Please don't give up. Your resolve will be strengthened by powering through this. The emotions are difficult to deal with I know. Your effort won't be in vain.

Mark1014

BTW, excellent judgement on your part to have lunch where alcohol isn't served!

Copper442

I am exhausted. I haven't slept but a few hours since quitting drinking Friday. I have a few good friends who don't drink that I can call on. I think I will try to arrange to meet up with one of them just so I'm not alone. Thank you for responding and the encouragement. I really need it right now.

Thepatman

Above was HALT, you have the Tired part.

Now if you have 2 going at the same time, like tired and hungry, fix the hungry part asap, then hit the bed.

Next morning your resolve will be back 200%.

Mark1014

Great plan....and the thing about hunger is so true for me. I use protein shakes to help....even if I'm not particularly hungry sometimes. And maybe turn in early if you can. I wish there was a short cut for this process... I would tell you if I knew of one. You're doing great, you just don't know it yet. Don't give up.

Hevyn

Keep posting as much as needed - things will settle down Copper. It's rough in the early days, but we promise everything gets easier.

ishallnotwant

Copper--what you are describing and the fact that you have not had a drink indicate that you are winning the battle, not losing it

ishallnotwant

And, you a very talented writer even in your angst! Prayers going out for you

Anna

Copper, you peaked in the first few days and then dipped, but things will level out. Hang in there, and keep focusing on getting through the day. Things will settle down.

biminiblue

I would say to stop going down that path of angst. Writing that very descriptive lament isn't going to help a whole heck of a lot. It allowed you to wallow in your sadness and perceived loss far longer than necessary.

How about writing something uplifting to someone else on this site who is struggling? A far better use of your formidable writing talents

In fact, you can control your own thoughts.

Dee74

Stay with it Copper.

In time you'll come to see that not drinking is not deprivation, it's freedom...

it's a little rough in the first few weeks but it gets better, I promise

D

Copper442

I think I definitely needed that. I didn't initially see what I was doing as wallowing but looking at it now, it is wallowing at it's finest. Thank you for drawing my attention to that. Perhaps giving my time and talents to help inspire and encourage others with my words will prove helpful for myself as well. I shall use my powers for good!

On another note, the craving has passed (as you all well knew it would), I'm going to eat a good meal and try to get some rest. Thank you all.

autan

COPPER, think of a Airplane taking off.

It has to accelerate down the runway to get enough air to pass under the wings to lift it up into the air and climb. It has to climb so high before it levels off and everyone settles down and the in flight services begin.

Right now, you are at the end of the runway at maximum ground speed, there is just enough resolve underneath you to lift you clear.

In the next few days and weeks, you will soar and climb into sobriety, its not easy but you know soon, you will be levelling off and you can relax a little bit.

It does happen just like this, I know I am proof of it. Keep climbing Copper442

Hawkeye13

Well done Copper.

It will be easier as time goes on. Don't give in and elucidate only for good

brynn

So proud of you copper!
And glad we're both still around!!

Nonsensical

Been there, done that. I found a better question is why does the thought of drinking/not drinking distress me more than other thoughts I have? Why do I have such an extreme emotional overreaction to it?

BirdsAteMyFace

I'm right there with you. Down to the quit day. Having many many many of the same feelings. I have no advice, just hugs.

anattaboy

Hang in there copper. It seems like eternity now but in a few days you can look back in triumph. Staring down the beast is a win and it gets easier with practice. Also happens less often as time goes on IME.