brynn

I'm 4 days sober today and this time I'm doing it for me.

The last time I got sober it wasn't my idea, I was threatened into it then monitored for the next 18 months...I was miserable.

But this time I WANT to get sober! This time I'm truly sick of the drinking and the lying and the manipulating and the inability to focus on anything other than when, where and how I'm going to drink!

Having said that, I find myself romanticizing alcohol!
I've even written out lists of what drinking has taken from me (and it isn't pretty), yet I read those lists and start rationalizing!

I find myself daydreaming about alcohol at work.
I even SMELLED alcohol when I woke up this morning! (Has that happened to anyone else?)

How can I want sobriety so bad, but at the same time romanticize the poison?

Jack16

Hang in there brynn, you're doing great. And thanks for your post on my thread.

Like you said, with alcohol, there's this totally irrational paradox, and in my experience you can go mad if you get locked into those dialogues. I guess, alcohol is romanticized everywhere we look in the culture, we're brainwashed to see it that way from birth, which is why we've got to focus hard on the negative reality of it in our own lives, and in the lives of others through this forum. Good luck, we're all in it together.

Nonsensical

It's called addiction.

Part of my brain is lying to me to get what it wants. It tells me to remember the fun times, we can get back to that, sure we had some bad experiences, but next time will be different.

The addict living in my head is a liar and a thief. It will kill me if I let it. I have to hear it, but I don't have to do anything it says. It's just a voice, and it lies.

Congrats on 4 days!

Aellyce

Brynn, that is called addiction. I am now nearing 11 months sober and I no longer romanticize alcohol itself much, but sometimes I do other experiences and even mental states/thought processes that were associated with drinking for me, and not healthy at all. It takes time for the cravings to go and for our mentality to be reframed. Hang in there

Soberpotamus

Yep, and seemingly from out of nowhere. Images, smell, taste.... all of those.

It does get better though. The more time you have away from it, the better it gets. That's been my experience anyway.

Anna

Have you read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp?

I think it would help you understand the love/hate relationship with alcohol.

saudades

I think just about everyone does this. I'm 7 days sober, first time legitimately trying, and it's certainly happening to me. Today I was having lunch at a cafe that had an extensive wine list and I found myself staring at the bar thinking how great it would be to have just one glass to relax and had to force myself to remember that I've never had just one glass in my life. I think we will always want to drink but everyone says it gets easier as time goes by and I think it will.

Soberwolf

Well done on 4 days sober Brynn good advice above

Nuudawn

The romance of anything usually exists solely in our heads. The romance is such a big part of addiction. Who wants to let go of....romance? It's heady stuff. But ..it's ILLUSION...

My love affair with wine never looks nor feels the way it does "in my head". In my head, that wine is part of some personality that I desire that is eating baguettes and cheese on some sidewalk cafe in Paris. I think I'm wearing Audrey Hepburn sunglasses...yes, yes..and...there's a white scarf round my neck. There she is...laughing...sipping wine.

Ya. No. The reality is...more often than not...I was drinking wine in old yoga pants..that are kinda grey after too many washings, whilst I did laundry...until I passed out. I would then wake up in the morning and have to look at my phone and Facebook to see if I had any damage control to do.

The romance will always be there...in my head...but it is NEVER my reality. EVER.

Pondlady

I used to romanticize my drinking too....I'd light candles and drink from pretty goblets....even had a wine bucket, to keep chilled wine in. But imagine a life where you no longer have to devote so much energy to figuring out when, where and how you're going to drink. A reality, where you no longer romanticize drinking, because you no longer think about it. It's possible, and the more sober time you have, the easier it becomes.

SoberD

Hi Brynn, I catch myself doing this sometimes as well - thinking about the partying, sex, drugs, fun, exhilaration, etc. - but then I recognize that even though those times were "real" (in the sense that they did occur), they came at an incredible cost (that can sometime be forgotten). Basically, all of my morals had eroded and alcohol became the single most destructive and self-limiting force in my life. When those "romantic" feelings about alcohol surface, I just remind myself of this fact (and look back to my "list" of why I decided to quit)...

JanieJ

Early days yet Brynn.

You just hang in there for a while.

You know in your rational mind why you want to give up drinking. Have you watched this documentary ?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwv7Utcf-gM

Not easy watching, and very sad, but it certainly cuts through any romantic notions we might have about drinking.

keithurbanfan

I got this book from the library today and I can't put it down!

Dee74

I think it's natural to romanticise and rationalise. I know I did.

Coming here daily really helped tho - it's harder to rationalise when you can go back and read your old posts, or read someone else's...

The bottom line is we do have a problem Brynn.
People without problems don't usually seek out places like this.

D

Jack16

Such a brilliant post!

brynn

Thanks y'all for sharing and for the encouragement.

I keep thinking I'm doing something wrong since I can't seem to get rid of the voice.
I know this is incredibly naive but I kinda thought it would be easier getting sober this time since it's something I wanted...something I'm doing for myself. What a fool!!
I want to drink but I'm not going to....at least for today. I'm almost done with day four and I don't want to start over.

jessie65

I don't have any advice because I'm freshly sober myself (day 18), but just wanted to say I totally relate. I have actually smelled alcohol when there's none around, and I Always taste alcohol in my soda when I haven't added any. My drink was always coke & vodka.

I romanticize alcohol also. I tend to remember all those wonderful carefree times and somehow 'forget' about the awful ones. That's a dangerous place to be.
I can wake up in the morning feeling powerful, feeling like I can do this, and then by late afternoon I'm thinking about how nice (and how easy!) it would be to buy a bottle. It is truly baffling how our thoughts can change so drastically, in a heartbeat.

Hang in there, it gets easier with more sober time. Congrats on 4 days.

Alphabet

Yep, crying, puking and everything. So posh and refined, right?

wpainterw

Caroline Knapp's death from cancer was a great loss. In her second book, "Pack of Two" she related how, after getting into recovery from alcohol, she became addicted to her dog. The same thing happened to me. I've become a dogaholic. It's wise to have a standby or backup dog in case the dog dies. Indeed, I've heard that some dogaholics have a secret stash of dogs, like down in the basement or up in an attic, in case someone deprives them of their dog and they start to get withdrawal symptoms. Starting to bark, hallucinations about cats, etc. But then again, it may be better to take things "one dog at a time".

W.

Time2Focus

You're not alone. It happens. We quickly forget how much worse alcohol made everything in our lives. Our addiction tries to convince us that we can have just one drink. Ha! When did we ever have just ONE drink during our drinking careers? At the end of the day, it is nothing more than thoughts, we have total control on whether or not that drink goes into our bodies. Stay strong!