My addictive voice
 

Wow that addictive voice (AV) is really being scary right now. It's so subtle I don't even realize how prominent it really is.

At my AA meetings many people have asked who I am there with, I tell them the truth that I have come alone entirely. They ask me if I have had an intervention, I tell them the truth that I have not. They ask me if I was drunk when I first came to my first meeting and I tell them the truth that I was 18 hours sober during my first meeting and I made the decision to go to AA without using 'liquid courage'. They give me this look of confusion, or maybe they don't and it's all in my AV filled head.

After feeling like they are confused that I would go on my own free will, I start wondering to my self "am I really an alcoholic?". Maybe I don't need help to get sober, maybe AA isn't for me. But the fact is I have almost lost my life more than a few time due to alcohol, I am not able to control how much I drink and I always finish the bottle. I am on the serious verge of losing everyone I love, my career, and my education if I even have one more drink. I have done so much damage already.

So, I am just going to keep logging on SR, going to my AA meetings, exercise, meditate, work through the 12 steps, and make my hobbies, education, and career more of a priority again. I can't continue to let that AV convince me that I do not have a drinking problem, because logically I know I absolutely do.

I know I didn't really state a question I just had to get these thought's out so I could look at the AV objectively and could get a bit of support from you folks. Much love and I hope all of you a sober 24.

:grouphug:

I'm struggling with that voice too. Yesterday was bad and I can see now that I was really setting myself up to drink today. Still sober, day 6 here but it seems like every time I get quiet it gets loud. Hang in there. Let's keep telling it to shut the hell up!

You also don't have to answer all the questions people pose to you if you are uncomfortable.

I don't really like for people I've just met to start asking me questions like the ones you received.

I found it was necessary for me to have a plan at meetings. If I didn't want to chitchat I arrived two minutes before the meeting and left immediately after. Not everyone in meetings will have healthy boundaries. During the meetings I found a lot I agreed with and identified with, so that part was helpful. There are always those who lost a lot more. I don't want to follow them down that rabbit hole, but it's good to be reminded where I was headed.

Wow, it took me a long time to learn what you've illustrated in just one post.

Welcome to SR. So glad to have you here and I wish you all the best. I look forward to seeing you around.

Hi frixion

There's something about seeing it in black and white that makes it more real.
Yes, your AV is on tilt! It's a liar and a thief. Keep recognizing it for what it truly is.
Good for you for reaching out and counteracting that voice!

The AV is a true master of deception.

Really good post Frixion as long as you know thats enough frixion i commend you for going to a mtn i call that positive action

You know you have a drinking problem and you are doing something about it thats the most important thing here and i think your doing exellent

were supporting you all the way good to expose the AV get it on the page like you said

keep going friend your awesome

Thanks for a great share Frixion. I understand exactly where you are coming from. Sometimes when I sit in the rooms and hear about all the pain; loss of family, job, home and friends; and stints in rehab or psych wards I sometimes feel that I don't even deserve to be there. That's when I have to remember what some wiser people than I here at SR have told me: alcoholism is alcoholism. I may not have yet done what others have but I've sure as heck done a lot more than some and we all share the same thing in common - we have a problem with alcohol and the start of the long-term solution is to not drink one day at a time. Anything else we think is just our ego trying to rationalize, justify and explain it all away. It's great that you realize this in your own journey into sobriety.

Frixion, I have written down the worst things that have happened to me when drunk and the facts that show I am an alcoholic. I carry it with me (along with my recovery plan) to remind neighbors the harsh undeniable truth whenever my AV gets out of hand.

sounds like you're pretty adept at identifying that AV Frixion.

From this outsiders view sounds like you're perfectly qualified to participate in AA.
If you're sure it's not your AV, I'd maybe seek out others in the meeting to be around.

D

Good for you for recognizing the trap that was being laid by your AV.

Are there other AA meetings in your area you could go to? I shopped around quite a few meetings before I found one where the people and atmosphere were best for me. There can be a big disparity between meetings and groups. Make sure you find one that is the most helpful for you.

Congrats on staying resolved. :ring

Hey, Frixion. Indeed, the only one who gets to decide if someone has an addiction is that person (in your case, whether you are an alcoholic). I very much respect your rationality. Bummer that your meeting had some less-than-ideal elements.

I dig what you're saying about that AV. Easily one of the biggest knowledge-based gains from this site for me is simply learning the phrase "Addictive Voice", and as a result learning all of the recognition of its strength that comes along with recognizing its existence.

Thanks for an awesome post (as others have agreed). I wish you the best in your continued sobriety!

Thanks for telling it like it is. AV no like exposure.

Thanks for sharing this. My AV seems to go through quiet and active periods. Maybe its always chattering away but somtimes I listen to it more? Either way its been busy and very persuasive in the build up to xmas.
I like the way you posted your thoughts in here, anything that reduces the power of your AV is a good thing. Good luck!

Good for you. Go because you know you need it. No matter what anyone else questions or thinks.

I had to embellish my story (as requested by the intake counselor) in order to qualify for IOP because I showed up sober and of my own accord. Then, I walked into AA by myself nearly 30 days sober. There were a few people who were skeptical, and the lady I picked as a sponsor at the time told me I wasn't "that bad off." Which didn't even make sense. I suppose if you don't walk in bedraggled there are people who will eye you with suspicion. In AA, there was a need to compare war stories amongst a certain set of people, and I guess I'd never have fit into their secret club :) No matter that the hell I'd already been through as a child and young adult would make many of their own stories pale in comparison.

For some of us, it's the mental and emotional anguish that trumps any sort of tangible or external loss.