Cecilia44

I find that one of my biggest issues is that I tend to have very high expectations of myself and others. For the most part, the ones I have for myself I can deal with as I usually achieve my goals, but I tend to find plenty of flaws in others who do not meet my expectations and that can lead to me drinking.

It is part of the reason I never got a sponsor in AA. I don't know if the expectations come from me being a co-dependent or is it me being a control freak? Either way, when I have tried to have sponsors, if they didn't call me when I wanted them to, weren't available, didn't spend more sober time with me, etc. I would get angry and blame my drinking on them. I have the same issue as well with significant others who do not meet my expectations and it is the reason I am remaining single until I get plenty of sober days under my belt. I drank four days ago, blaming my relapse on my ex-boyfriend and his lack of "seeing things my way and wanting what I want."

How do I lower my expectations of others? Any advice would be appreciated.

Cecilia44

To add to this: What I wrote up there IS true, but to be honest, I was planning my relapse days in advance (at least this last one) and the Ex was just the catalyst that gave me the excuse I needed to drink. So I DO have high expectations and want a lot of people, but that seems to be my excuse to drink then. So how do I quit "setting myself up?"

anattaboy

Not sure. I know I feel a little less outside since I quit drinking and started coming here everyday and being as honest as possible. Other than that just not drinking has changed all I can handle right now. Best wishes on keeping the plug in the jug.

paloverde

I have the same issue. When I was drinking it was really out of control. I was very critical of everyone else's behavior and was in the mindset that every mistake just added to my pile of worry and fueled my addiction. My in-laws and stepsons were a big source of frustration to me. At the time it seemed like not a single day could go by without some sort of drama- financial, legal, emotional... And my wife and I would always be bailing everyone out of their messes. That gave me a lot to drink about, or so I thought. Really I was just physically addicted to alcohol. And killing myself in the process... over nothing!

After getting sober the problems are still there but I've learned to distance myself and set boundaries. Instead of trying to rescue other people from their self-made issues, I try to work on my OWN self-made issues (addiction, health, attitude, laziness).

Two things I heard at an AA meeting really stuck with me. They're so simple but really helped me:

1- You can't expect other people to behave any different than they have in the past.

2- Focus on keeping your "side of the street" clean. Don't worry about your neighbor.

CNY46ER

Focus on what you can and cant control. You can control tou drinking and reactions to others. You cant control the actions of others. I to scratch my head sometimes at the actions of others and this used to bother me. Now I live and let live and control what Greg does period. Very liberating.

ArtFriend

I can relate. I have always set high standards for people (including myself) and gotten angry when they "failed me". I think there is a bit of a control issue going on. If I can control people then I won't be blindsided and have to get out of my comfort zone. When I get out of my comfort zone, things are too unpredictable and scary which raises the anxiety levels. Drinking quells that anxiety...for awhile at least. The idea is to find a way to allow yourself to let other people be who they are without feeling insecure about it. Which means working on your own self -esteem that alcohol destroys. Alcohol is a double -edged sword: it temporarily allays anxiety while perpetuating it in the long term.

strategery

Cecilia-I have the same issue as well.
However, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Just because you aren't happy with what other people are doing with meeting your expectations shouldn't be an excuse for you to pick up a drink. You need to find a better way in dealing with these emotions and need to concentrate on yourself.
Sometimes I have to question my own judgements in whether I am being unreasonable and force myself to look at things from other people's points of view. One of the things I have also done is ask myself why I feel the need to drink when I have severe cravings. This helps me figure out what is causing the craving. When I think about what is triggering me in more detail and why I am feeling certain things, some of it just seems ridiculous to where it helps me move forward and not drink.

fini

hm.
your expectation of yourself sounds really low to me: things go wrong, others aren't perfect and bingo, you'll drink. that's not a high expectation, setting it up so that others "fail" you and therefore you will drink because you're not really responsible for it, they are by what they did or failed to do.

i don't know how you will lower expectations of yourself and others, but i know that not doing it, for me, was/is tied in with being non-accepting of humans being imperfect. including me.
and there is a whole bunch of childhood-**** that set me up for that, but i'm responsible now, meaning i have options for how to respond.

Nuudawn

Little bit of both I'd say. You will find that many, many, many of us have "control" and unrealistic expectation issues. There is a reason that AA has adopted the Serenity prayer as their mantra. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.....

Whether you being in God or Higher Power or not...
All you really have to start accepting that you are not it. You are not the appointed "Judge Judy" of the Universe. I know...unbelievable hey?

Sadly, I understand exactly how you feel. I get so completely p*ssy when folks don't follow my script...when they don't see it as I do blah blah blah...

It's quite exhausting....

But the soundest advice here is...for now..just do whatever it takes to stay sober..you will have plenty of time to work on the rest if you keep your wits about you to do so.

Soberwolf

This

Cecilia44

I really liked this: The idea is to find a way to allow yourself to let other people be who they are without feeling insecure about it.

ArtFriend, I think you are right. I was feeling insecure. Very well said.

And I agree, I just need to focus on sobriety for now, which is why having a SO just doesn't work for me right now.

Great advice as always from everyone. Thanks guys and gals.

doggonecarl

It's fine to have high expectations. It's bad to feel resentment when they are unmet.

And worse to drink over it.

DoPerdition

Your AV is telling you that you have high expectations.

It kind of sounds more like not wanting to take responsibility for your choices though. Being honest about our own shortcomings is part of the healing process IMO.

Be well.

Cecilia44

Yes, you are right about that Do. I have this tendency to blame my shortcomings on others. That way, I am still the "star" and it is their fault, not mine, that I fail.

Lots of things to think about here. I hate the fact that I have shortcomings though. Makes me feel like a failure. But I know this is probably very true. I am very much the perfectionist.

It will definitely take some work to admit I am "human."

However, for today, I think just not drinking is good enough for now.

ardy

1.- You can't expect other people to behave any different than they have in the past.

2- Focus on keeping your "side of the street" clean. Don't worry about your neighbor

love this bit.. and will give someone hell if they push the wrong button on my... my hubby had a rough weekend guess who the problem was.. yep.. have learned to play with him a bit.. one of our fights this weekend and you all will love this..

hubby Why the Hell do you turn off all the lights..

me well we are not in those rooms..

hubby I can't see when I walk into the room screaming at me..

so I went from room to room and turned on the lights to 15 rooms

hubby you are being an ass you just don't listen ...

me I heard you you can't see in the dark... so we are going to bed leave the lights on... when you open your eyes the lights are on...

hubby stomps from room to room and turns them off You are just being an ass..

10 minutes later all the lights are on as he is now up once more... why is our Utility bill 450.00 a month lets see.

me not a word.. I love you Babe.. poke poke in the arm I love you Babe..

hubby you are just going to roll over and go to sleep at 11:00pm

me yep that's life but I do love you silly old thing.. and I pull the covers over my head to the sound of the tV and Cartoons... ahahhahha if he would only find a dumb girlfriend that has to have the radio on all night with Johnny Mathis singing her to sleep they would be a match made in heaven.. run run run all the way to a warmer spot.. hahaha

You can't change someone else that has problems just learn to roll with the waves.. and then if you have to have it the correct way all the time .. never never fall off that mountain top for someone will point out that you are the ass. hahahahahaha.. sorry hope this helps on Monday for laughter for kids that is the only thing we all share that is good all the time.. prayers ardy wisconsin...

DoPerdition

I really relate to hating my shortcomings and having high expectations as well. I am realizing that my unhappiness with others is really just me projecting my unhappiness with my own flaws. I would go as far as to say I am a perfectionist to the point that if I can't do something exactly the way I want to, I find it crippling and don't even try.

I am making it a goal for the next few weeks to try and listen to others more than I speak. I hope it will give me a better understanding of other people and of myself.

Aellyce

My approach is to shift my thinking and focus my perception on my own role and contribution instead, as much as possible. What can I bring to the table? Can I stand up to my standards first, before anyone else?

One of the greatest sources of psychological suffering as a heavy drinker for me was the dissonance between my high quality standards and expectations from myself (much more than from others, I think) and the inability to provide and perform at that level. This also related to my past (sober) attitudes and way of life vs what became of it through the downward spiral of alcoholism. But then of course, like probably many of us, I would project my dissatisfaction and frustration with myself onto others at times... It was awful awful for me having these double standards, it's something I'm very sensitive to.

I don't have this problem often now, and when I do, I recognize that it's again coming from my losing it for a moment or a little while... not from any external source. So again, the best way for me is to focus on my contributions.

neferkamichael

I think control is probably the issue. I had a severe lack of self-control and was about to go to squalid poverty because of addiction to chemical substances. It's probably impossible not to have expectations of ourselves and other so learning how to control them seems to be the thing to do. Nice thread, Merry Christmas, rootin for ya.

fini

Carl,
thanks so very much for this.
it's made something clear to me i've struggled with my entire life.
wow.
double wow.
great; a new way forward.
can't thank you enough for the succinctness here.

LBrain

Hmm, I didn't read all replies so sorry if this was already said...

I had a very difficult time lowering my expectations of others. I used to say, "He wouldn't work for me stocking shelves at a grocery store. How can he be my boss?"
Or The people who worked for me - Same thing. If I planned it and said it could be done in two hours, I meant it. Problem was I was thinking it was me doing the work. Not everyone works to the same standards. Not everyone works at the same pace.
Same is true throughout life in general. Why do some dogs bite and others just want to love you to death? Doesn't matter. It's just a fact.

How about not worrying about others. Raise your expectations of yourself. Part of that, is being able to accept that you have no control over others.
Raise your standards so that the little things don't bother you or 'get' to you.
Blaming others is just a way to deflect some of our own shortcomings.
It may sound stupid, but if people are throwing water balloons at you and you don't want to get wet, then duck next time. Don't bitch at them for throwing water balloons.