GracieLou

Heard in the rooms "lower the bar of your expectations for yourself and others, and then crawl under it because it will still be to high".

Also, "do you want to be right? or happy?"

Keeping these two in mind has helped me a lot and I have to meet people where they are. Not compare them to where I am or where I expect them to be. There are some people that are good at some things and not at others and that includes me. I have to treat myself with respect, unconditional love and caring as well as others.

Any time I am angry I have to look at myself. 99.9% of the time it is because I want to control something or someone. I am getting better at letting it go but I still have my moments. If I don't effect someone else, then I learn from it. If I did, then I apologize and learn from it.

I cannot control anyone but me and I am the only one responsible for my actions, no matter how I feel at the time.

ReadyAtLast

I understand but I see this slightly differently. When I was drinking I was very intolerant of others and saw their faults and failings easily, thought i had high expectations of them and they usually failed.

Now sober I see that I didn't have high expectations of them or myself. I was simply full of resentments including anger, intolerance, non-acceptance, envy, fear and shame. I deflected my own issues by attempting to highlight others' faults and failures.

What i should have done is concentrate on me and my own issues. As others have said, it is very much a control issue but also a self esteem and self awareness issue.Throughout my sober journey i have worked through (and still am) my resentments. of course I still have bad days but I have learned to accept others for who they are and understand I cannot change them. All i can change is how i react and deal with them.

most importantly I have learned acceptance of my own faults and failures, intolerances, fear, anger, guilt and shame. I now change what I can and learn to accept what I can't. I wasn't a nice person before and i'm in no way perfect now but I try to be the best person I can be,

fini

It will definitely take some work to admit I am "human."

but dear Cecilia, what else might you possibly be?

Soberpotamus

I have to let people be themselves. I might get angry, upset, and even feel justified in feeling this way, but then... there's a pause... and in that moment is when I come back to reality and realize that there isn't a thing in the world I can do to make someone do what I want them to do, or what I think they should do. And if I had that kind of power, would I really want it? Do I want to be a manipulator, or someone who gets all bent out of shape when people don't live up to my expectations? And why do I have these expectations? They aren't set in stone. I can change them. I can change. Me. It's me who must change In order to avoid suffering, I can rearrange my expectations... and there's the shift I can let people be flawed humans. After all, I am one too.

Dee74

Another control issues person here.

The whole control issues thing is really another thread I think.

Alcoholism wise, I had to learn the problem wasn't in fact other people at all, but my inability to deal with, or respond to, said people in healthy ways.

There must be a range of other options you could choose as a response to 'being let down'.

Run, pedal, scream into a pillow - whatever it takes...but don't drink. It's what thsat part of you wants but it's not a solution.

For me I examined my expectations and found they were impossibly high...it was almost inevitable people would 'let me down' and then voilà - reason to drink.

My AV was no fool. It played me like Pagannini....

D

nomis

This is my experience, totally mine, so I don't know if it relates to your situation much, but I've found generally the people most demanding of others are often the first ones to give themselves a free pass.

MelindaFlowers

I really lowered my expectations of myself in early sobriety. Aside from going to work my only expectation of myself each day was to not drink alcohol.

I was a lazy, selfish, messy, unmotivated slob in early recovery. Once I had nachos and soda for breakfast and left the carton on the counter for three days. Did I care? Not one bit. I had achieved my goal of no alcohol for the day. Five months in and my expectations are normal again.

I had never really thought about my expectations of others. I was so focused on myself that I literally had no expectations of others.

ubntubnt

As I have got a little older, more experienced in my career and life and spent a few years in developing countries I am definitely a more humble person and more understanding of those experiencing different conditions or at different stages in their life. Thats been a great development in my life and I am very grateful for it.

However......as my drinking spiralled out of control these recent years I needed to find a way to get everything done (personal and work related) while creating enough time for drinking and hangovers. Drinking required a few evenings per week, all weekend and 30% of my time as work to get over the hangovers. It sucked up MASSIVE amounts of time. The only way I could get everything done and maintain my drinking schedule was to become hyper fast and efficient at what I do. That left ZERO space for delays, having to explain things to people, waiting in line at the supermarket or bank, going to the bank in the first place. Anything or anyone that would waste a single second in any situation would bug the hell out of me....wasting time etc. Then I would go and sit on the couch at the end of the day for 8 hours and drink 3 bottles of wine and 5 beers.

Stopping drinking brings all of this into focus. It gives me my time back, my focus and clarity back. It allows me to stop being such an impatient jerk (ie ultra efficient, lol). it has allowed me to chill out and see life for what it is. And guess what came with that? The ability and space to see people for who they are and enjoy them for what they are.

So, best advice I can give you is to stay off the drink and you will already be a long way down that path of discovery before you even realise it.

Nuudawn

Ya. That. Oh ya.

MelindaFlowers

This. Yes, yes, yes. My whole life was trying frantically to get ABC done to make time for drinking. It was such a nightmare! Thoughts like this help me to realize hoe much easier life is without drinking/hangovers. So well said.

ReadyAtLast

A fantastic post

tomsteve

This reads to me like playing God. It reads like a lot of selfish,self centeredness( and quite a bit of ego to think you Know what everyone should be doing and thinking).I'd suggest turning to page 60 of the bb and reading after " that God could and would if he were sought."

You drank because you are an alcoholic and that's what you have done for a long time when the world doesn't do as you think it should.
What I read is an example of step one- the powerlessness over alcohol and a very unmanageable life.

If you want what we have ya gotta be WILLING to go to ANY lengths.

Do you know what we have?

Hawks

It's hypocrisy... Pure and simple.

I do it too.

How dare those people not be perfect!!

It's all part of alcoholism.... Enormous perfectionist ego.

But really all its good for is providing excuses to drink... As you have already found out.

tomsteve

In the story," doctor,alcoholic,addict," where the acceptance thing that is read at some meetings comes from,there is a LOT of good stuff after the acceptance thing in that story on expectations and how to get rid of them.