All of nothing thinking
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All of nothing thinking
As Anna just pointed out in another thread, addicts tend to have all or none thinking and that makes it incredibly difficult when you are trying to achieve sobriety. I know for myself, in the past if I tried to quit for X days and then slipped, I would toss the baby out with the bathwater and continue drinking. One, two, twenty slip ups doesn't negate the fact that I must stop drinking. But with each one, I justified it in my mind this way: "oh well, I can't stop. I'm a drunk/addict/bad person/loser/insert your own noun. No sense in trying. Now where's that drink?" I also did this one various diets. I would do well, have a cookie and then say f-it and eat the whole bag.
What I have learned lately is to take small, actionable, definable steps. It makes me nuts because I want results NOW! But, like the old joke goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I want to take off my weight NOW! I want to be forever sober NOW! I want...I want...I want. Delayed gratification is a hallmark of maturity. I found that since I started drinking that I have become rather childish in my thoughts and behaviors. Time to grow up and take a small bite of the elephant.
Happy Sunday y'all!
What I have learned lately is to take small, actionable, definable steps. It makes me nuts because I want results NOW! But, like the old joke goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I want to take off my weight NOW! I want to be forever sober NOW! I want...I want...I want. Delayed gratification is a hallmark of maturity. I found that since I started drinking that I have become rather childish in my thoughts and behaviors. Time to grow up and take a small bite of the elephant.
Happy Sunday y'all!
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AF,
Yep, right there with you on this deal. All or nothing. Funny how it always works for "all" in the wrong direction. Having the same problem with food, have the booze beat back, and feel good about it, but the food is taking its place. Tried all of the all or nothing diets and I am back to the small actionable steps.
I too want the results right now, but it does not work that way.
Keep up the good work.
Yep, right there with you on this deal. All or nothing. Funny how it always works for "all" in the wrong direction. Having the same problem with food, have the booze beat back, and feel good about it, but the food is taking its place. Tried all of the all or nothing diets and I am back to the small actionable steps.
I too want the results right now, but it does not work that way.
Keep up the good work.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Here is your brilliant insight!
I feel that you are really getting a gasp on this, AF 
Please don't stop this track!
So yes, addiction makes us impulsive. "Default" impulsive personality trait also plays a role in being especially vulnerable to addictions in some of us, and then it'll be exacerbated by the years of addictive behavior. It's really hard to break. This is why I always think and suggest that starving ourselves from positive, rewarding experiences (food counts here, and emotionally positive aspects also) is not a good strategy in early sobriety. If we get deprived too much, it increases the cravings and so the probability of relapse. This is one reason why the right kind of support works so well - it provides the immediate emotional reward we so desperately seek early on. This is also how developing new constrictive, pleasant habits, hobbies, etc can be very helpful because it provides our brains with the reinforcement that is the basis of continued motivation.
Don't worry about the weight/food thing right now. You might find, like many people, that with continued abstinence from alcohol, some of the weight will fall off without effort. You can develop a healthy diet / exercise routine a little later. I did not have weight issues when I got sober, but definitely big issues living a sedentary lifestyle. I waited ~a month with starting to care much about adjusting my diet and starting to exercise.
I think you are on the right track now. That therapy thing may help you a lot later. Also, I feel that you tend to focus sometimes a little too much on all the troubled people around you. Draw well-defined boundaries at least for a while because they and those thoughts just stress you out, as you know. Try to find small new things that you enjoy doing, and do something each day
Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
What I have learned lately is to take small, actionable, definable steps. It makes me nuts because I want results NOW! But, like the old joke goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I want to take off my weight NOW! I want to be forever sober NOW! I want...I want...I want. Delayed gratification is a hallmark of maturity. I found that since I started drinking that I have become rather childish in my thoughts and behaviors. Time to grow up and take a small bite of the elephant.
Please don't stop this track!So yes, addiction makes us impulsive. "Default" impulsive personality trait also plays a role in being especially vulnerable to addictions in some of us, and then it'll be exacerbated by the years of addictive behavior. It's really hard to break. This is why I always think and suggest that starving ourselves from positive, rewarding experiences (food counts here, and emotionally positive aspects also) is not a good strategy in early sobriety. If we get deprived too much, it increases the cravings and so the probability of relapse. This is one reason why the right kind of support works so well - it provides the immediate emotional reward we so desperately seek early on. This is also how developing new constrictive, pleasant habits, hobbies, etc can be very helpful because it provides our brains with the reinforcement that is the basis of continued motivation.
Don't worry about the weight/food thing right now. You might find, like many people, that with continued abstinence from alcohol, some of the weight will fall off without effort. You can develop a healthy diet / exercise routine a little later. I did not have weight issues when I got sober, but definitely big issues living a sedentary lifestyle. I waited ~a month with starting to care much about adjusting my diet and starting to exercise.
I think you are on the right track now. That therapy thing may help you a lot later. Also, I feel that you tend to focus sometimes a little too much on all the troubled people around you. Draw well-defined boundaries at least for a while because they and those thoughts just stress you out, as you know. Try to find small new things that you enjoy doing, and do something each day
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Thanks herradura... I think replacing one addiction with another is kind of common for addicts. Hopefully you can get your eating under control as time goes on too. One thing about food addiction vs alcohol addiction, you can live without alcohol, but so so with food. That makes it a challenge.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
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Alcoholics who make a decision and have the willingness to become sober and eventually achieve a measure of recovery all start in kindergarten class.
For me, I started very young. All my socialization skills and interaction in relationships were foundationally ******** by alcohol. When we quit, we start our new lives basically at the age we were when the drinking began.
The maturation process starts when we quit drinking and work a program/plan that helps us develop emotional sobriety. Not drinking, for me simply is not enough.
Keep working and coming back!
Glad you're here!
For me, I started very young. All my socialization skills and interaction in relationships were foundationally ******** by alcohol. When we quit, we start our new lives basically at the age we were when the drinking began.
The maturation process starts when we quit drinking and work a program/plan that helps us develop emotional sobriety. Not drinking, for me simply is not enough.
Keep working and coming back!
Glad you're here!
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We are black or white thinkers. There is no such thing as grey. Frankly, this thinking kept me alive seven months ago, I think. Die, or live. Well, I was about 5 minutes from dying, so I accepted total Sobriety pretty quick once I decided that I did not, in fact want to be a stat at 33. I honestly don't think their is compromise once you commit to total abstinence from drinking; Sobriety is all or nothing. No grey.
Bunnez
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Yes, I have been there, too, ArtFriend, with another drink, another bag of cookies, another bag of rocks, another entry onto my list of inadequacies, yet another reason why the goal is unattainable.
I think that is why I really like the 'one day at a time' philosophy when combined with a true appreciation of the beauty of just that achievement. I think we can spend too much time anticipating the achievement of a week, month, year, decade - you know, the thinking that once we have reached that mark we REALLY will have done something - and in the process dismiss the wonder of each sober hour, each sober day. Every time we decline a drink at dinner, every time we shut our AV down, every time we pass the liquor store without stopping in, every time we go to bed sober and wake up hangover free is MAJOR. Each time we stop to celebrate those momentary, hourly, daily accomplishments, we boost our resolve, our self-confidence, our abilities to make sobriety long term and recovery permanent.
So let's have fun and celebrate!!!!
I think that is why I really like the 'one day at a time' philosophy when combined with a true appreciation of the beauty of just that achievement. I think we can spend too much time anticipating the achievement of a week, month, year, decade - you know, the thinking that once we have reached that mark we REALLY will have done something - and in the process dismiss the wonder of each sober hour, each sober day. Every time we decline a drink at dinner, every time we shut our AV down, every time we pass the liquor store without stopping in, every time we go to bed sober and wake up hangover free is MAJOR. Each time we stop to celebrate those momentary, hourly, daily accomplishments, we boost our resolve, our self-confidence, our abilities to make sobriety long term and recovery permanent.
So let's have fun and celebrate!!!!
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Originally Posted by haennie
Here is your brilliant insight!
I feel that you are really getting a gasp on this, AF Please don't stop this track!
So yes, addiction makes us impulsive. "Default" impulsive personality trait also plays a role in being especially vulnerable to addictions in some of us, and then it'll be exacerbated by the years of addictive behavior. It's really hard to break. This is why I always think and suggest that starving ourselves from positive, rewarding experiences (food counts here, and emotionally positive aspects also) is not a good strategy in early sobriety. If we get deprived too much, it increases the cravings and so the probability of relapse. This is one reason why the right kind of support works so well - it provides the immediate emotional reward we so desperately seek early on. This is also how developing new constrictive, pleasant habits, hobbies, etc can be very helpful because it provides our brains with the reinforcement that is the basis of continued motivation.
Don't worry about the weight/food thing right now. You might find, like many people, that with continued abstinence from alcohol, some of the weight will fall off without effort. You can develop a healthy diet / exercise routine a little later. I did not have weight issues when I got sober, but definitely big issues living a sedentary lifestyle. I waited ~a month with starting to care much about adjusting my diet and starting to exercise.
I think you are on the right track now. That therapy thing may help you a lot later. Also, I feel that you tend to focus sometimes a little too much on all the troubled people around you. Draw well-defined boundaries at least for a while because they and those thoughts just stress you out, as you know. Try to find small new things that you enjoy doing, and do something each day
I feel that you are really getting a gasp on this, AF
Please don't stop this track!So yes, addiction makes us impulsive. "Default" impulsive personality trait also plays a role in being especially vulnerable to addictions in some of us, and then it'll be exacerbated by the years of addictive behavior. It's really hard to break. This is why I always think and suggest that starving ourselves from positive, rewarding experiences (food counts here, and emotionally positive aspects also) is not a good strategy in early sobriety. If we get deprived too much, it increases the cravings and so the probability of relapse. This is one reason why the right kind of support works so well - it provides the immediate emotional reward we so desperately seek early on. This is also how developing new constrictive, pleasant habits, hobbies, etc can be very helpful because it provides our brains with the reinforcement that is the basis of continued motivation.
Don't worry about the weight/food thing right now. You might find, like many people, that with continued abstinence from alcohol, some of the weight will fall off without effort. You can develop a healthy diet / exercise routine a little later. I did not have weight issues when I got sober, but definitely big issues living a sedentary lifestyle. I waited ~a month with starting to care much about adjusting my diet and starting to exercise.
I think you are on the right track now. That therapy thing may help you a lot later. Also, I feel that you tend to focus sometimes a little too much on all the troubled people around you. Draw well-defined boundaries at least for a while because they and those thoughts just stress you out, as you know. Try to find small new things that you enjoy doing, and do something each day
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh
Every time we decline a drink at dinner, every time we shut our AV down, every time we pass the liquor store without stopping in, every time we go to bed sober and wake up hangover free is MAJOR. Each time we stop to celebrate those momentary, hourly, daily accomplishments, we boost our resolve, our self-confidence, our abilities to make sobriety long term and recovery permanent.
So let's have fun and celebrate!!!!
So let's have fun and celebrate!!!!
Right...celebrate small victories!! I'm with you Leigh!
Do your best
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From the very begining i said im sober forever i said this as drinking just isnt an option
i love being sober truly grateful for this 2nd chance at life
first time sober and hopefully last....ive come to realise as much i want to be sober forever i want to die sober i dont know the future that dont mean im gonna drink it just means i dont know apart from what i do have which is today i can stay sober today and when tomorrow happens il stay sober again
i will stay sober no matter what you couldnt offer a billion pounds for me to drink
i can be around alcohol but i choose not too
Artfriend i think your doing really well big hugs keep up your exellent work
i love being sober truly grateful for this 2nd chance at life
first time sober and hopefully last....ive come to realise as much i want to be sober forever i want to die sober i dont know the future that dont mean im gonna drink it just means i dont know apart from what i do have which is today i can stay sober today and when tomorrow happens il stay sober again
i will stay sober no matter what you couldnt offer a billion pounds for me to drink
i can be around alcohol but i choose not too
Artfriend i think your doing really well big hugs keep up your exellent work
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Great post AF. I too remember that "lightbulb" first kind of arriving also with respect to weight loss. I had lost about 45 pounds as a result of a complete and total lifestyle change years back...but I remember having a bad day (okay..I was hungover to the nine's) and I think I ate my remaining weight in McDonald's that day. But I remember somewhat shrugging my shoulders and knowing I was right back on my "life plan" the following day. It was not the end of the world and I did not feel the need to say "eff it" and just resolve my life to one of "fattitude".....
Like you ..I too have issues with "no off" button.... and when my emotional stars are aligned just so ...I can go "never enough" in a variety of ways. There are times I feel like I am almost seeking out the shaming experience itself...
So for me, yes..that black and white thing HAS to go. My eye has to remain on how I want my life to be...who I want to be. There is absolutely no need to give up at what we deem a "day fail" and resign ourselves to who we think we must remain.
This is change...and sometimes we need to expect that grey is very much part of it.
Like you ..I too have issues with "no off" button.... and when my emotional stars are aligned just so ...I can go "never enough" in a variety of ways. There are times I feel like I am almost seeking out the shaming experience itself...
So for me, yes..that black and white thing HAS to go. My eye has to remain on how I want my life to be...who I want to be. There is absolutely no need to give up at what we deem a "day fail" and resign ourselves to who we think we must remain.
This is change...and sometimes we need to expect that grey is very much part of it.
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For me, I try to focus on what alcohol takes away from me. I don't look at it as giving up alcohol, but instead getting back all those things it takes away.
Drinking means giving up things I love, not the other way around. Family, hobbies, health, etc. I haven't done much this weekend as I've been battling a cold, but still I did things that would not have happened had I been drinking. Last night I watched a movie with my wife. Such a simple thing, but if I were drunk I would have either passed out completely or at least barely remembered the movie.
The one day at a time thinking helps a ton too, but you have to ask yourself "what does booze give me?" The answer is nothing. It only takes away.
Drinking means giving up things I love, not the other way around. Family, hobbies, health, etc. I haven't done much this weekend as I've been battling a cold, but still I did things that would not have happened had I been drinking. Last night I watched a movie with my wife. Such a simple thing, but if I were drunk I would have either passed out completely or at least barely remembered the movie.
The one day at a time thinking helps a ton too, but you have to ask yourself "what does booze give me?" The answer is nothing. It only takes away.
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend
As Anna just pointed out in another thread, addicts tend to have all or none thinking and that makes it incredibly difficult when you are trying to achieve sobriety. I know for myself, in the past if I tried to quit for X days and then slipped, I would toss the baby out with the bathwater and continue drinking. One, two, twenty slip ups doesn't negate the fact that I must stop drinking. But with each one, I justified it in my mind this way: "oh well, I can't stop. I'm a drunk/addict/bad person/loser/insert your own noun. No sense in trying. Now where's that drink?" I also did this one various diets. I would do well, have a cookie and then say f-it and eat the whole bag. What I have learned lately is to take small, actionable, definable steps. It makes me nuts because I want results NOW! But, like the old joke goes, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I want to take off my weight NOW! I want to be forever sober NOW! I want...I want...I want. Delayed gratification is a hallmark of maturity. I found that since I started drinking that I have become rather childish in my thoughts and behaviors. Time to grow up and take a small bite of the elephant. Happy Sunday y'all!
I just want to say that I totally relate to your post in every way! I'm working on the same thing and want you to know I understand!
*There is one thing someone told me once that helps......They said "put your brain in the trunk and keep looking at your feet!" What she meant by that is DO NOT THINK! Our brains will just screw us up in the first year of sobriety.
What she meant by "look at your feet" is our feet will walk us into an AA meeting, or to the gym to exercise, or to our job or whatever. Also we should look at our feet and say "WHERE AM I RIGHT THIS SECOND? What can I do in this moment to make my life better?
My feet are not in yesterday, they are not in tomorrow....they are right here (on the floor on my family room reading a post on SR) etc etc. It helps. I often find myself saying "STOP Serenidad! Put your brain in the trunk! Stop thinking! Where are your feet? What can you do right now?
Does that make sense? Hope it helps. :-)
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Serenidad - Thanks for understanding and I get what you are saying. Be grounded and focus on the here and now. i really have trouble with putting my brain away. It is overactive most of the time which helps me in certain areas, but not so much in others. I wish there was an OFF switch for my mind...or even a slow-down switch. Alcohol seems to help in this category, but it is a dangerous faulty switch.
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Like you ..I too have issues with "no off" button.... and when my emotional stars are aligned just so ...I can go "never enough" in a variety of ways. There are times I feel like I am almost seeking out the shaming experience itself...
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Check out this old thread, AF - I think it was a really good one and probably has information relevant to your current musings:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-emotions.html
On the second page of the thread, there is some discussion on that repetitive behavior stuff - see if it clicks with your feelings and experience.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-emotions.html
On the second page of the thread, there is some discussion on that repetitive behavior stuff - see if it clicks with your feelings and experience.
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The only way I've achieved numerous years of sobriety is a minute at a time until, they became hours, days, months and years.
I had had to focus on one thing, not to pick up the first drink.
I also, kept my mind active on constructive thinking.
I had had to focus on one thing, not to pick up the first drink.
I also, kept my mind active on constructive thinking.
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Self knowledge / realisation is useful to a point and you seem to have been having a good few of those lately AF.
Self knowledge is not enough to aggressively treat alcoholism.
Kind of like knowledge of a potentially fatal illness is not the answer to treating it.
It's just a diagnosis, it's not the actual treatment.
These realisations your having are like that... Just diagnoses.
What are you going to do next?
Self knowledge is not enough to aggressively treat alcoholism.
Kind of like knowledge of a potentially fatal illness is not the answer to treating it.
It's just a diagnosis, it's not the actual treatment.
These realisations your having are like that... Just diagnoses.
What are you going to do next?
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