Kafkaesque

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I have been sober over a month now after a few weeks of convincing myself I could be sober on my own... Now here I am again... Day "0" and hating myself...

I was supposed to take the LSAT this morning. I did. I went to the testing center and totally choked. By section 3 of the 6 sections it was obvious I had done awful. I cancelled my score and was devastated, especially after I felt fairly confident on the test after months of practice.

So what was my immediate reaction to doing poorly? Convince my husband it was ok for me to drink and then get smashed. I knew instantly it was a mistake but I didn't care. I didn't want to care. And that was why I drank. I know I'm only one move away from losing him and honestly he's the one thing I don't want to lose.

I just don't know why I keep making the same mistakes. Why I'm so messed up in the head. Why I keep thinking I'm the exception to the rule. Why I keep letting my stupid drunk self embarrass my sober self in public. Why id ever risk the love of a true and caring man for a shot of vodka. And most of all... Why I even want to drink in the first place.

Kafkaesque

To be honest, I just want to know how to get better. How I can go from 6 months of sobriety to barely a month. And how to stop hurting the man I love the most.

ScottFromWI

What are you doing to stay sober Kafka? 6 months is a great accomplishment, what were you,doing then? Perhaps you need to add some more support of some kind?

matilda123

Thoughts are with you, Kafka. :group hug: Please be kind to yourself--we beat ourselves up so much.

Scott's question is a good one: when you think back to that time when you were sober, what were you doing that supported your sobriety? Could you implement some of those practices again?

Also, one thought on the LSAT and tests like that. It may be that you did poorly, but it may very well be that you didn't. With tests like that we often remember the questions we didn't know the answers to, and they loom larger than life. I have students who have taken the GREs and LSATs, thought they did horribly, and had wonderful scores (and that was my experience years ago with the GREs too).

Anyway, remember that you do have six months of sobriety! That, in my mind, is an amazing accomplishment, one that I admire and am anxious to emulate.

Ruby2

Kafka, ditto what Matilda said on the test scores. Wait until you get the scores back. You never know.

What were you doing to stay sober for the six months? I had to ask for help. I went to rehab and attended AA meetings for face to face support. I got phone numbers from women at AA meetings and called them if I needed help. I came on here and posted when I needed support before I bought alcohol.

I would suggest working on getting and staying sober for right now before thinking about LSATs and law school. Build a solid foundation. I am a lawyer. I am also an alcoholic. There are many alcoholic attorneys and judges out there. It is stressful. If you don't take care of yourself now then it might be harder to take care of yourself when you are out practicing law.

Also remember that both good things and bad thing happen in life. We can celebrate or mourn without alcohol. When I was angry I would drink. In many ways I was punishing myself for being angry about things over which I had no control. I've had to learn to accept those things. If you had six months before, you can do it again.

Kafkaesque

I guess my feeling is of anguish. I had 6 months of sobriety but no longer have that. I don't even have a month sober anymore. I know that messing up is part of the process. I just wish it wasn't. I hate the feeling of sadness on my heart from my husband worrying about my future sobriety.

Scott, I'm honestly not sure what changed from then versus now. I guess studying/preparing for the LSAT. But mainly. I felt differently back then... Determined to PROVE to my husband that I could stay sober. I'm not sure why I don't feel as inclined to make a point anymore. I am young, so sometimes I suspect that seeing/hearing friends in my age group drunk makes me feel less like it's me being an alcoholic and more like one day I will somehow self-cure myself or grow out of being a young drunk. How crazy is that? I joke that I am obsessed with booze. It's all I think about in my best and worst days and sometimes even on random days.

As for my LSAT, I cancelled my score because I did so poorly. But Matilida, you are so kind-hearted to make me feel better about it. You very well could be right, too. I'll never know since I cancelled my score, but thank you so much for saying what you said. I wish I had posted this before... Your words would have had an influence on my level of confidence after the test and still do.

Overall, I can accept and live with doing poorly on the test. What I can't live with is that my initial response was to drink. I just want my 6 months of sobriety back (I can accomplish again) and the look in my husbands eyes when I smile at him again (I'm not sure if I'll ever have that again).

matilda123

Ah, Kafka...your note brought a tear to my eye. I don't know if this is true for you, but i wonder: do you put a lot of pressure on yourself? I ask because I have spent a lot of time in my life doing that and, despite having a lot of professional successes, always, always, focusing on my failures (or, more accurately, my perceived failures).

I am very new into this sobriety thing, but I have had one major epiphany so far: I have done a rotten job taking care of myself! I often push myself, at work and home, and then drink to "reward" or numb out or to deal with my sense of shame when things aren't "perfect." What a rotten pattern. Really, what I need to do is take a nap, a walk, have a bowl of ice cream, get a hug, buy some flowers and just generally treat myself the way I would a friend. And to give myself credit for my accomplishments, and understanding for my failures.

Does this resonate with you?

I do hope that you will smile again, Kafka. Sending you peace and happiness.

PS: One of my favorite Kafka quotations: Books are the axe that break the ice within our souls (paraphrasing here).

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Kaf

MelindaFlowers

You can do this. Check in here everyday. Take it one day at a time.

MelindaFlowers

Reschedule ASAP and finish the test. I took graduate school tests for certification and was sure I failed but passed. Once I sobbed on the way home I was so sure I had failed.

desypete

i have to work on staying sober everyday it will not happen by magic for someone like me who is an alcoholic

i have to accept without any more doubt that i can not drink, i work towards it by just trying to not drink for one day at a time

so each day i face my mission is to not pick up a drink on anything that happens to me in that day

when i hurt i can not drink, when i want to celebrate and i am full of happyness i can not drink
no matter what happens in my life i can not drink

for me i had to lose everything in the world to the drink before i could finally come to see that i can not drink

i just would not give in as somehow someway i was convinced i would control drinking, when my kids got taken away from me because i couldnt look after them as i was a drunk 24 / 7 i never wanted to lose them but i just couldnt give up drink on my own no matter how much i tired

so i found help for me in the end at aa and i got all the honest truth about me and my condition there
i went to more and more meetings and found so many more people who were just like me and they understood me like no one else on the planet could in fact the people in aa were the first people i have ever trusted in my life as i never trusted anyone really other than my kids

anyway the good news is i got sober and stay sober, i have been around now for over 10 years and been through a lot of pain being sober and never once picked up a drink on it
thanks to aa and what it has given me
i have had my kids back for the last 9 years and been a single parent for those years woking running a home etc just all normal stuff and drink just doesnt play a part of thngs

my kids are so proud and love me as all they ever wanted was a sober parent who could love them and take care of them as they were tired of loving me and having to look after me it just isnt there job

so maybe you might think about giving aa a try ?

FreeOwl

I'd be willing to wager a tidy sum that were you to honestly and fully throw yourself into AA with all you've got, you'd be posting here within a year about having smoked the LSAT, gotten into law school and grown greatly in your happiness and balance in life.

Just a thought.

JayEl

Hang in there Kafkaesque. Keep reading, keep posting, keep NOT drinking today. I'm sorry you stumbled but your post helped me more than you know. Convincing our loved ones it's ok for us to drink is such a quick trick of our AV. Like saying 'the doctor prescribed this, of course it's ok'. Thank you for posting your situation. I'm rooting for you!

Kero

Relapses suck, but use it as a reminder of why you stay sober. Alcohol does not make stressful situations better, but of course worse.

I always hated big tests too. I was always a great student with good grades, but put me in one of those big, timed tests and I turned into a wreck. I almost didn't get into the college I wanted because I did so poorly on my SAT.

You have to know your triggers, and be aware that the AV is going to be loudest then.

However don't get too discouraged. You relapsed, but you came right back. That's all you can do. 6 months sober is still a big accomplishment. I've never made it more than a few weeks without a relapse so far.

IOAA2

Hi.
Those are often asked questions of people “trying” to get sober.
The most simple answer is we alcoholics and cannot drink in safety, it’s that simple. So what do a lot of alcoholics do? We complicate it! We don’t want to be one, we don’t like it, I don’t want to never drink, I need it and on and on.
After many years sober in the program observing people in general that have some sober time it’s a common thing among them to #1 get honest with themselves about their drinking and then ACCEPT the simple fact they cannot drink in safety one day at a time in a row.
Another long range fact is you get sober for yourself, no family members, job, financial reasons etc. those things will fall in place the longer we are sober.
AA has been mentioned several times and it’s saved my and millions of lives and things that mean a lot to us IF we are diligent about working the program it supports which will require work and personal changes, the main reasons we drank. We have choices and I’m certainly happy with mine as my best day when drinking can’t approach my worst day today. Life will continue to happen, we need the ability to cope and not escape in the bottle.

BE WELL

JanieJ

You are such an inspiration, desypete - you always tell it like it is.

JanieJ

Kaftka, I hear you. I felt like you do for a long time. (((())))

For me, it's as simple as taking alcohol out of the equation.

Not easy, but simple.

I just got so tired of the struggle.

The more tools you have to combat this thing, the more you are likely to succeed.

Stay close to us x

LexieCat

Kafka,

My suggestion is that you put the LSAT on hold until you are feeling more solid in your recovery. Law school is very demanding under the best of circumstances. My own alcoholism didn't develop until I was about 15 years past it, but I cannot imagine trying to get through early sobriety during law school. I'm currently involved with Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers, which is mainly geared toward law students, lawyers, and judges who are coming to grips with a substance abuse problem. It's a struggle for the law students--early sobriety has a lot of challenges no matter what else is going on with your life, but both law school and early recovery require a lot of attention and focus. It's kind of hard to do both at the same time, I would imagine (and the law students we see confirms that).

Maybe focus on the recovery for now, and keep taking the practice tests over the next several months to stay sharp. Maybe take the test after SEVERAL months of sobriety and not plan to start law school till you've been sober for a year.

Believe me, getting a handle on it now, before you start a legal career, will be well worth it. We see lots of recent law school grads having their bar admissions delayed due to DUIs or other alcohol-related incidents. The character and fitness committees are very concerned about addiction in the legal profession and those incidents are big red flags until there is demonstrated long-term recovery. And if you are an alcoholic, it's easy to get into one of those kinds of jams even though you intend not to.

Hugs,

matilda123

Kafka, are you here, today, reading? If you are and feel up to it, could you check in and let us know how you are? I've been thinking about you all morning.

Kafkaesque

Thank you all so much for all of your support and advice. It might sound silly, but I have been kind of scared to go to an AA meeting. I'm not sure even sure why, but I think it's time I get over that irrational fear and attend a meeting. I have heard from some about how great AA is if you learn to work it for you and I know that if I don't put my all into getting and staying sober, I'll end up back in square one regretting again.

Matilda, you are so right. I put massive amounts of pressure on myself and regret whenever I don't live up to my expectations. My job is fairly stressful because we have a lot of time sensitive work. Any time I don't meet a deadline, I blame myself and before, I would just go home and get smashed so I wouldn't have the disappointment in my heart. I think you are absolutely right about how we need to appreciate accomplishments and understand our shortcomings. I love that Kafka quote, and I think that reading might be the answer for me- losing myself in a book instead of a bottle. You are honestly so sweet to reach out to me last night and today. Everything you have said reminds me that I am not alone in this fight, but that there are great people like you and everyone else on SR that offer unconditional support and understanding.

Today has been a lot better. To those of you who suggested I focus on my recovery and put law school on hold for the time being, you're all right. I think I've been focusing on the LSAT so much and stressing out about it over the last few months to distract me from how badly I "wanted" to drink. But instead, all that did was made me forget about what I need to do to stay sober and instead brought me to a very dark place where being numb felt like the only option.

Now that today is a new day, I have decided to take a few weeks off from studying (maybe 1 or 2) and really devote it to attending AA meetings and finding ways to promote my recovery, like exercising and reading. After those few weeks, I think I'll slowly begin adding studying into my schedule. Lexie, I think you're right. I am going to study for the treat slowly but not register for the test until I know without a doubt that i am prepared. I don't want to register for the test and put myself on a time crunch again where I'm rushing to prepare. My sobriety has to be my top priority and this time it actually will be.

I woke up this morning ready for a new start. Last night, my husband asked me if I self-sabotaged myself on the LSAT so I would have an excuse to drink. Initially I was offended and extremely upset. And while that's not the truth of what happened, I understand why he asked and it breaks my heart that he even had to ask and that I don't blame him for asking.

Thank you all for being there for me today and tomorrow. I don't know how I would have gotten through last night or today without you all.