Jack16

Since joining SR back in October I've been on and off the wagon, just going nowhere. Been drinking for the last week, or so, after drifting back into it.

Yesterday had a really bad day, been working very hard lately and had some emotional things going on and yesterday it just broke. I ended up in a very dark place, real bad despair. Went to a bar where there's always people I know. Everyone could tell I was in a state, and when the barmaid gave me a hug I practically burst into tears. I had already put away a few by then, started in the afternoon, and kept going, drinking solidly till around 3am, (and I was doing other stuff on top of the drink.)

I got what I wanted, which was to numb the pain, but then everything clouded over again. A close friend had joined me by then and as we were leaving, he got into a fight on the street with two guys. They all ended up on the floor, he got a glass broken over his head, there was blood in his hair. It was not good.

I spent the last of my wages getting a taxi home, feeling completely miserable. Back home, in bed, things got worse, I've never felt so hopeless in my life, I remember thinking, if it wasn't for my sister, I'd happily have ended it all. I should have come on the forum, I wish I had - I suppose I didn't because I'd been drinking. Anyway, I texted a friend I see from time to time to ask if she was awake - of course she wasn't, it was % in the morning. I don't think I've ever been as low as that in my life, and I don't want to go back there.

Going to go along to AA tomorrow evening, there's a meeting I went to once before. Thing is I've never found myself able to say that I'm an alcoholic, but today I feel I've finally accepted it, accepted it completely.

Today, I feel physically broken, and emotionally I feel like I could just lie face down on the ground and cry for about a month. Still my friend is picking me up later and cooking me dinner. Slowly mending myself.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for letting me share.

luvmygirls

Jack, I'm so sorry you had such a rough night and are feeling so terrible. Going to AA and reaching out here for help are both good choices. Is this day 1? We are here for you.

Jack16

Thanks josharon, yes starting right back on Day 1.

PolarBlue

I wish I saw this before making my thread. Goingn through something very similar. Today I almost feel dead. Hope you feel better.

Jack16

You too PolarBlue, onwards and upwards

ubntubnt

Sorry to hear of your evening. AA is a decent place to start. I think its also worth really leaning on friends and family if you can. It is highly likely that the booze is amplifying any emotional difficulties that you are having and I would guess that if you dropped the booze after 3 or 4 days you would find yourself in a better place and much better equipped to start to address these issues. Good luck Jack, stop drinking immediately please and then see how it all looks by mid week.

Jack16

Thanks ubntubnt, you're right, I've managed to do 7/8 days here and there since October, and in the middle of one of these sober spells, I was sitting in a cafe with a friend and I just felt crazily, needlessly happy. It was joy, like I hadn't experienced since I was a child. I think about it everyday. My challenge now is to keep the memory of how I feel now, and how I felt last night strong in my mind. I always fall at the 1 week mark, just when I'm feeling great. I know this is a common thing.

Next time i will come on here, and try very hard to remember the misery that alcohol has wrought in my life.

strategery

Sounds like you've been going through a lot Jack16. *hugs*
I am glad you are back.

JanieJ

Welcome Jack.

So glad you posted here again, my friend.

Lots of us were in a very dark place with alcohol. I know I was. I find that now I'm sober, I can look at things in a more realistic light.

Stay close to us and let us know how you're doing.

Jack16

Thanks strategery, I can't tell you what it means right now to have someone just say that. Hope you're having a good day.

Jack16

Thanks JanieJ

Soberwolf

Well done on making it back brother good to see you

sounds like you have your acceptance hope you go to your AA mtn tonight it will really help

you have us all here for support if you let us

really glad your here & your ok

Jack16

Thanks as always Soberwolf. Things feel a little different this time, I hope they are. Have a nice weekend

Clementina

Hi Jack,

Sounds like a hell of a night!

For whatever it's worth, it sounds like we're kind of in the same boat. I've been on and off the wagon this fall too. (It always helps me to know I'm not alone!) But what matters most is where we go from here. Personally, I'm on the wagon for good now and THAT is what matters. We can stop poisoning ourselves and our lives RIGHT NOW!!!

Things changed dramatically for me the first time I admitted I'm an alcoholic-- and actually said it out loud. (I guess there's a reason they say it at AA right?) I have never been to AA but the first time I ever stated it out loud was about 3 or 4 years ago. I simultaneously admitted it to myself and my (now ex) partner at the same time. It took me until this year to even to recognize that I would need to confront this as a permanent issue, or maybe even to fully accept that truth.

But actually SAYING it out loud, for the first time, helped me to take ownership over my drinking problem. I stopped seeing myself as a "young party girl" and recognized I had long since crossed the line. Saying it out loud helped me to recognize my problem for what it really is, get out of denial, look it-- and myself-- in the face. (Obviously it's still a struggle, but that was a HUGE step for me in this journey!)

I felt so much better once I admitted it and said it out loud!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

I hope you're able to dust yourself off and not dwell too much on last night because there's nothing that can be done now! Time to move forward my friend We are in this together!!!

Jack16

Thank you Clementina, yes, it seems to be one of many totally illogical aspects of alcoholism, that, despite all the evidence, it can still be so hard to admit it.

Recently, I took all the facts of my drinking life and transferred them to another, imaginary person. I realised that if I read a description of someone like that, I'd have no problem whatsoever in saying, yeah that guy's an alcoholic - I just couldn't equate it with myself. It makes no sense.

But anyway, I'm not gonna dwell on the bad stuff, a few days from now I know I'll be feeling great, and posting on the Morning Gratitude threads again. That's my focus.

Have a great weekend

Soberwolf

Jack print this thread of to keep & read it will help

You could keep a journal that really helped me record my feelings etc (really helps)

were all in your corner Jack

Jack16

Yes, that's a great idea - I'm gonna print it, and I'm gonna begin a blog.

happyandfree

Hugs to you Jack. Sounds like a horrible night. But you can make it the very last time you EVER have to feel that way again. Turn the misery into happiness by quitting drinking. Stay close to this site and do whatever you need to do. It's not easy, but many of us have done it. It is possible to completely stop drinking. ....and you will be so glad that you did. Life is better without alcohol.

ScottFromWI

Don't hope things are different this time, make them different. Take active, concrete steps to make them different. Those steps could include going to an AA or Smart meeting. Or accepting your addiction. Or spending a lot of time here reading ( which it seems you are today so good job!).

The bottom line is that you control what happens today. You already have what it takes inside of you to stay sober.

Aellyce

Hi Jack, I'm sorry about that rough experience. I think I know what you were feeling, sounds very familiar, I've been there many times. The meeting is a good idea, why not go even today if you think it could help to not be alone?

On accepting your alcoholism. I think most of us have had this problem at some stage. I accepted mine many years before finally getting sober, had no doubts whatsoever. Acceptance alone did not help me at all to change things, only action can. Maybe just think about it that drinking does cause you problems that you want to change, it does not really matter what terms are used to describe the "problem". It's clearly a recurring issue for you and you seem to have motivation to change it.