Admittedly, it's been brewing a long time...
 

I guess it was coming. I have been irritable and thin skinned and angry and defensive far too long.

The day before yesterday I called my 85 year old father as I hadn't spoken to him in awhile. He has just looked after my mom's dog whilst she had been away (they are separated). He was talking about how "stupid" the dog was..how it had messed (defecated) in his apartment 3 times...

He told me how he struck the dog (a very sensitive, anxious dog) and the anger in me was like Vesuvius... I guess it became way more than "about the dog". My father is an angry, impatient man...everything is everybody else's fault and he likes to punish you for your..stupidity, clutziness, deficiencies....

I am his daughter.. I am an angry, impatient, critical, judgemental addict too.

That's the back story...it's not the reason...was just the last straw I guess...

Yesterday was a new start of my continuous sobriety.
I don't really care about freaking days lost...or sobriety dates or anything.
I messed up...and I know it.

I don't mean to minimize anything..I only know, for me, is that I just return to living sober....

But I'm not sure I want AA in my sobriety anymore...but nothing is written in stone. I' not sure of anything other than my need to be honest here.

I have an emergency appointment with counsellor tomorrow. I am currently on a "waitlist" but had number for a "just in case" which I just used. I didn't send out a shout out here...or make any calls to anyone..
Because well..I'd been thinking bout it a long time I think. I didn't want anyone or anything to stop me. I had entered self pity and helplessness and thinking my only way out of recovery obsession..was drinking....a long time ago.

Objectively I knew that was ridiculous...but not emotionally...

I don't even know what to say. Stop now.

I'm sorry you gave in without even reaching for help.

Hi Nudawn :hug:

No point focusing on the past or other ppl i know your hurting but it will only eat you up

if you have known stuff has been building up the best thing you can do is release that pressure in more positive ways ie being here/meetings/councellor/phoning someone you trust

we are all 5000% here for you if you let us be

i hope it goes well with councellor tomorrow

big hugs Nudawn

Hi nuu, good you're posting. I always look forward to your posts, in sunshine or rain
Thinking of you.

It was two days ago Bimini. It has stopped. I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow a.m.. I am sorry I disappointed you.

You havnt dissapointed no one Nudawn

Rome wasnt built in a day

were all here for you 24/7

big massive hugs

That's what's most important. It happened, you realized it happened, you realize it was wrong and you are seeking help for it. Let us know how we can help.

I am sorry, Nuu; you have had a lot on your plate lately. I am not a pet owner as I have allergies to cats and dogs but cruelty to animals sends me over the top, too; it is so undeserving.

Glad to hear that you are 'back'; hope you can find a way to reach out to us if there is a next time; you are very special to us, Nuu.

Never give up!! SR has your back Nu!! :grouphug:

Not my thread, but I just wanted to thank Soberwolf for saying this. It was exactly what I needed to hear. A great reminder that when I feel like no one is there for me, it's usually because I'm not letting them be there for me.

We are here for you my friend. One thing I know about you, is that you are a fighter, a kind hearted soul, funny, intelligent.

You inspire me, always have always will.

Glad you're safe and posting!
We need you here :)

Nuu, this is hard, no question, but I'm so glad you're back here with us. Whatever route of recovery you choose from here, I'm always around to talk.

This is just my opinion, but you need to tell your mother she must not leave the dog with that man ever again. Animal abuse is horrible.

Thank you guys... I debated all day yesterday and this morning whether or not to be honest here. But I had to...because that is who I am. I would feel hypocritical posting otherwise. I am sorry I didn't reach out here first...
Quite frankly...I didn't even want to. And that's scares me...
I had numbers to call..places to turn...I did not want to.
I don't know what that's all about...

I don't know what I should have done at what point. I was sick of "recovery" somehow. I have no idea how to explain that. I did not know how to step back and take care of myself...
I didn't know how to turn off my mind..
Meditation has been sporadic at best...
I just bought a one month pass at a local community center ...and have added physical exertion/release to my "wellness plan"...

Hopefully...I will understand what happened and know how best to prevent it from happening again in future.

Nuu, you learned something about yourself so just dust yourself off and start again. No disappointment here. We are here for you.

Nuu, I think it's balance. I dove into recovery early on and because I'm an obsessive type, it started to take over and I knew I had to find balance or it wasn't going to work. Can you make sure that you do things each day that make you feel good?

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful this disease is.....

Glad you're here. I'm right here with ya, startin over. Day 6 for me today.

Hello, my friend.

Well, I am glad that you came here to express all this at least now. Not so sure what really constructive thing to suggest in this very moment (maybe I will have ideas later) but I wanted to say something...

You know, what strikes me about you ever since I've gotten to "know" you a bit here on the boards? It's your explosive emotions and reactions. I alluded to this a bit more indirectly before on a previous thread of yours. Be it sudden burst of motivation, anger, despair, sadness, self-loathing, vulnerability, determination... anything really. Also that perhaps often you want too much all at once... expect changes too fast... with your very admirable drive but maybe it drives you at a speed too high... I will also say that reading your posts, I often admire the spontaneity that seems so natural for you, simply because it is not that way for me... but you know the banality: sometimes our greatest strengths come in the same package with our greatest challenges.

I may be totally on a wrong track with this, but I feel that perhaps this is what you could try to work on, whether in counseling, AA, SR, your own everyday life. Try to temper somehow these explosive emotions and constant desire for fast change, at least for a while. Try to find ways to be somewhat less reactive to these feelings at the moment when they arise, or in general. It would not mean becoming detached and cold, just perhaps a little slowing. Instead of going spontaneously with the flow and speed of your feelings in the moment, maybe try to find a focus on a bigger picture, and ride the current in such a way that pieces of your life and experiences could start to integrate for a little longer so that it won't fragment again too soon. Don't run away. So quick :)

Not sure if any of this rambling is useful but I wanted to share my thoughts. Hugs to you, Nuu.

:grouphug:

In the 3 months of trying to stop the idea of telling someone im struggling was unthinkable silly really as its expected but for some reason i couldnt phone someone and say dang im not feeling good

once i got sober anytime i felt like that in the early days i made that call (i didnt know sr existed at the time) it was a life saver

i havnt craved a drink since month 5 and im near 17 months now

i also played that mental tape of drinking (it was never pretty) in full that was a great deterrent in the first few months

I know you can do this Nudawn

Nuu, I am sorry it happened, but I am glad you came back here right away. You are one of by favorites. I know you can do this. Onward.