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Admittedly, it's been brewing a long time...

Old 12-04-2014, 07:43 PM
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I'm partly stuck on what a fiesta 85 year old father you have. Many that get to live that long are. There must be something in the way they operate that let's them live longer.
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:49 PM
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Nuu, just saw your post. Abrazos. As others expressed, cruelty to animals is very triggering for me and reminds me of some of the darkest moments of my own childhood.

Anger--and wanting to numb out that anger--was a huge trigger for me in the past and behind a lot of my binge drinking. One small epiphany I've had in my journey thus far is that I cannot always control these triggers, but I can control how I react to them. It may sound petty and trite, but I often think, "I'm not going to let THIS so and so, of all people, compromise my sobriety--they aren't worth it." It is a little mind game, but helps me in the roughest patches.

Wishing you well and sending you healing energy.
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:51 PM
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One of the things that really struck me about your writings throughout this post Nuudawn is that maybe you needed a relapse to feel that sense of recommitting yourself again to sobriety (I may be wrong...). I am glad you're back here and thinking about your sobriety journey moving forward. *hugs*
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Old 12-04-2014, 07:58 PM
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I too want to echo the thought that this is exactly what you needed to release some demons, shore things up & recommit. I think deep down you knew that too & that's exactly why you didn't want to stop.

Nothing else to offer that hasn't already been said except you're a smart, introspective, self-aware woman. You're gonna get this figured out - no doubt in my mind, sweetie darling.
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Old 12-04-2014, 08:07 PM
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I too want to echo the thought that this was exactly what you needed. I agree that it's been brewing for a bit. You still have some grieving & demon exercising to do given the journey you've been on as of late. How could you not? You needed a recommitment to something since your recent journey has been full of so much loss (on so many levels). I think deep down you knew this & that's exactly why you didn't want to stop.

You're one of the most self-aware, introspective people around here & I admire the hell outta that. You're gonna get this figured out. No doubt in my mind, sweetie darling.
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Old 12-04-2014, 08:08 PM
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Damn double posting issue.
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Old 12-04-2014, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
I admire your strength, but I also honor your vulnerability, because I think that is probably the side of you that needs to feel safe right now.
My eyes welled up with tears when I read that Jaynie. Thank you.

As Dee had commented earlier..yes, that dam broke.

And to those who mentioned that I did need to recommit to my sobriety..I do think there's a lot of truth to that.

I don't want anyone to find any reason to relapse in what I say here (I don't condone it I mean)..but I do know this is my journey in sobriety...
And I also know that "emotional sobriety" is something very important to me.

I struggle with my void. And yes, Groundhog Day...I'm running a spiritual program.

Before I left for the Great White North. I lost $600 in a casino. It was in my purse because I was supposed to buy new tires....
I don't know what happened...well, I do...I lost money I shouldn't have.
I have eating issues also...
AND well, I've been trying to quit smoking for over 4 years...
And I'm OFF nicotine completely...again.

I have relapsed a milion times with the smoking...some of you may know I have been wearing a freaking patch off and on for years ..and it's gone.

Anyways... I don't have an "OFF" button for a lot of things...SOMETIMES..not all the time..but it's all up there in the annals of addiction anyway.

I may not have posted BEFORE I drank. I have before.. I know that magic in that...but as Fini said...I didn't want anyone to stop me.

I want to be a non smoker and a non drinker. I want to be healthy. I want to work out and eat right and generally...

RESPECT myself...emotionally, spiritually and physically...
I will get there.

Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for all the kind things you have all said.

I don't know what my program is right now...but I do know it has to be an honest one. And I know I have to accept who I am..which is...a gal with no reliable off button...

For a lot of things. I will keep on ..keeping on...sober.
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Old 12-05-2014, 03:52 AM
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I was wondering where you had gone.

So glad to see you back, Nuu x
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Old 12-05-2014, 04:59 PM
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Lovely Nuu,
I've barely been here recently. But just wanted to say how much I admire you.
The dam breaks: yeah, it sure does at times, when we least expect it. Or when we truly only see it in retrospect. Major life stressors - especially so many coming one after the other, and all at once in waves....extremely difficult.
We are still human beings.
I can't offer you anything more than my virtual support currently (relapsed myself during the last few weeks, made worse by news of my older sister taking her own life on 10 Nov, even though clean for 24+ years in NA.).
So glad you have your friends here in SR village, and your counsellor.
Much love, Vic
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Old 12-05-2014, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
I don't know what my program is right now...but I do know it has to be an honest one. And I know I have to accept who I am..which is...a gal with no reliable off button....
Nuudawn, please be kind to yourself. Embrace the strength that you have. And, you need to remember that this is a journey. You are right where you should be, even though it might not feel like it right now. Even though you feel unsure at the moment, you are finding your way. I have every faith that you will continue your recovery journey.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:08 PM
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Love ya, Nuu. No apologies necessary. I'm glad you're here. Your insight and sense of humor about things has helped me many times. I hope you feel better soon. xo
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Nuudawn, please be kind to yourself. Embrace the strength that you have. And, you need to remember that this is a journey. You are right where you should be, even though it might not feel like it right now. Even though you feel unsure at the moment, you are finding your way. I have every faith that you will continue your recovery journey.
^^ this. Nuu, please be kind to yourself. A little kindness at a time, every day. Don't rush, you're on your way and we're here for you.
(((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
I didn't send out a shout out here...or make any calls to anyone..
Because well..I'd been thinking bout it a long time I think. I didn't want anyone or anything to stop me. I had entered self pity and helplessness and thinking my only way out of recovery obsession..was drinking....a long time ago.

Objectively I knew that was ridiculous...but not emotionally...
This really scares me on one hand because I know we all have it in us, this desire to crawl back into our shell and succumb to our demons. But on the other hand I see hope in the fact that we really really should reach out, post here, call someone even if we don't want to at the time.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:47 PM
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A hug to you, Nuudawn. Please keep trying.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:56 PM
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Hey there sweet Northern Light,

You mean a lot to me. Haennie makes some good points about life lived with intensity (& she said them delicately too; I'm not always as graceful). I have some parallel challenges - I feel things deeply. Alcohol gives me a break from that intensity; that's why I always returned to it. The touching home place, where I could just "be."

Anyway, you're amazing, & right in track to learn your next thing. Message me if you need any support...

Also - he sounds like an abusive ass. You owe him no respect. Rat him out - to your mom (stepmom?), to animal protection... Protect the animals!!
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:18 PM
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Hi Nuudawn, I am so happy to hear that you stopped so quickly. I am also happy that you are not down on yourself . These are the steps to quiting without looking back.

I am proud of you! Hold these gems of wisdom, that you gain from any stumble, close to your heart.
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:27 PM
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I usually find the answers through meditation. I know, sometimes it seems impossible to sit still and focus your mind on breathing. But try to do it at night before you go to bed. Even if it's only 5 minutes at first, it will help. Promise

Sometimes I meditate and I do the exercises from the book "Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life " by S. Gawain. I think you would love it!

The answers will come my friend. Be kind to yourself ((hugs))
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:39 PM
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nuu, I don't think I feel disappointed in someone when there's a slip or relapse. I worry. You've been through a lot of life. We have wobbles. The important thing to remember is not to go to the addictive behaviors as a self soothe move.

rational recovery and AVRT have helped me so much. AA is important, I think, for helping us rebuild our lives. RR and AVRT keep me from sliding back into the bottle of hell.

You've made a difference in thinking for me, helped me be willing to take a peak at some issues I've sat on. I am so glad you are here!

Love from Lenina
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Old 12-05-2014, 09:54 PM
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Animal cruelty completely guts me. Can't. Just can not.

Selfish, self absorbed, holier than thou people, do the same.

You have had a mighty full plate as of late. Hugely full. Overwhelmingly. Not making excuses for you just because you happen to be one of my favorite people.

Oh hell, yes I am.

Your honesty and constant willingness to be self reflective and harsh and abrasive with your self as you grow, is so admirable. But, girlfran, it's time you cut yourself a little slack.

I can't begin to advocate enough for meditation. Twenty minutes morning and night has literally changed my entire perspective on life. Like double D said above, my life is NO LESS stressful this year than any previous one. But I swear, it feels far more manageable. And one thing I have committed to, without fail, is a daily discipline of mediation.

I used to feel like I was truly a failure at life. At every turn, all I could see was what a hot descending mess I was becoming. Fear and self loathing were my bedfellows. And Let me tell ya, they are both bedwetters.

If I could give you anything other than a big fat hug right now, it would be, find yourself some time to meditate. It's literally saved my life.

XO AO
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Old 12-05-2014, 10:58 PM
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"Fear & self loathing were my bedfellows. And let me tell ya, they are both bedwetters."

Thank you, alphaomega! I will keep that quote written on a slip of paper stuck on a wall or in my notebook for many years to come!
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