Nuudawn

I appreciate this Haennie. But if I may, the snapshot you have seen has been one of tremendous change..and really, pretty small in the 47 years of my life..

I have faced a lot...the closure of my my business..a once dear dream.
- the demise of a tricky and tumultuous relationship over the past 4 years..
- A sudden new relationship with much hope and promise of being "normal" after 4 years of being abnormal...
- a move across country
- financial issues
- a new job, new home, new people....
I have bitten off far more than I can chew...
And well, in addition to sobriety I can probably throwing in perimenopause in to the mix of hormones..

We are co- dysfunctional humans trying to get better right? I am not a specimen.

Dee74

I'm sorry it broke that way...but that dam had to break.
I'm glad you sound like old Nuu again

so having bit off more than you can chew, what bits are you gonna spit out?

ps agree with Anna - find another minder...the dog deserves better....by a million percent.
D

Marcher13

Nuu I am glad you had the grace and guts to post about this. Like Anna I'd urge you to advise your Mum about the treatment of the dog and maybe keep your distance from your father?

growpath

Nuu I am glad you are back.

Anna pinned it EXACTLY. You do what is best for YOUR recovery. There are millions of recovered addicts who used one million DIFFERENT ways to recover. I agree with Anna that BALANCE spiritually, mentally, recovery, health and social etc is the key to recovering and growing into a better person.

In my past recovery days all I lived, breathed and spoke was recovery. Like Anna it is because I am obsessive and addictive in all I take on. But I always crashed and burned with every thing when I did it that way. We have got to find balance. That was a failure waiting to happen for me personally. I learned from it and that is OK. You will (have) too.

This whole deal is about figuring it out. Finding what works for us, falling down and getting back up. Our ONLY rule is "don't drink no matter what". Every thing else will come in lots of added up sober days. We will feel like we are struggling in the meantime but one day we will look back at all the "set backs" as learning experiences....then that's when we start recovering and growing.....YOU CAN DO THIS! I know you want it.

Just keep coming here and growing. Just don't drink right now then all that other stuff will fall into place soon.

I also agree with Anna when she said your mother must know about the abuse. That is horrible and brought tears to my eyes!

Foolsgold186

Sorry you're struggling just now nuudawn. Just get right back on that horse.

Hope you're doing okay.

L x

Aellyce

This is exactly what I mean, Nuu. And it's not coming only from some sort of theoretical analysis... I know it from experience.

Stay with us

Gilmer

I hope your meeting with the counselor turns out very fruitful, Nuudawn.

jaynie04

Any sort of animal cruelty issues are really triggering to me too Nuu. I think it is because I remember what it felt like to be scared and not have a voice, to have to rely on someone who would get angry easily. I have noticed how strongly empathetic so many of the SR members are towards animals, it is a wonderful quality but sometimes it comes with a price.

I see you using any sort of deviations from your plan as important information that you are adding to your arsenal. You face things head on, and your self awareness doesn't shirk from owning responsibility. That is sober thinking. And I think you are building the kind of sobriety that will be very solid so that in the future you can say "not going there again". You got this Nuu.

I have learned so much about myself because of posting here, often because I am aware that what I am not posting means I am still trying to manage others perceptions. It's not the big stuff, but rather the little things and it keeps a distance between myself and others. I think I was used to feeling that I needed to be infallible. It is hard for me to show my underbelly so I have a lot of respect for someone like you or so many of the posters who jump right in. There is a lot of strength in vulnerability, I have learned a lot from you.

I think drinking was a way for me to rebel against feeling like I had to always have the answers. I think you are at the same point I was at last June when I just had to say enough. I couldn't quit drinking and keep the balls in the air. So by quitting drinking I had to step back and see how things shook out when I just sat in my own skin. I don't have all the answers, in fact I don't have many answers, but my ears are much more open now and I really do try to listen. I think your honesty is weakening the last vestiges of any allure that alcohol still holds. I admire your strength, but I also honor your vulnerability, because I think that is probably the side of you that needs to feel safe right now.

Venecia

Hey, Nuu. I don't have anything to add to the insightful observations and responses from others. Only that I'm thinking of you and wishing for the best for you.

Be gentle with yourself. Know that you're not alone.

V.

zerothehero

It is what it is. Forgive yourself and steer forward.

andyroo72

Hey Nuudawn,

I really like what you've got to say for yourself, you know. I think a lot of people do too :=] Just saying.

It's cool you've jumped back on the wagon. You make mistakes, ya know. I'm beginning to think that relapses are maybe unavoidable- it's just a sign that you need to learn more stuff. Maybe. I'm not 100% sure but something like that :=]

Take good care of yourself.

anattaboy

Nuu I'm glad you posted but not that you are struggling. I'm always glad to see your posts for all the reasons mentioned but also for the adventure. You move fast and I don't mean that bad--your drummer beats at a bit higher tempo and that is great. I could bite off one week of your life and be chewing for 6 months. I'm nobody to suggest slowing down but you gotta grok a few of the major life changes you've made/had happen lately somehow. I'm like you, tired of recovery and still very tired of drinking so now I'm trying other things. Best wishes and thanks for posting.

silentrun

I thought that story was going to end you making another kind of confession. Maybe a throat punch gone wrong or something. That would have been a long drive though. I had a f-it moment and used myself right around 3 months. After that I knew what would trigger me. My plan was next time it happened to come here and fess up before I drank. I was a secret drunk so outing myself that I had planned to drink took the wind right out of that sail. Give your peeps at least a chance of talking you out of it next time.
I'm glad you are recommitting right away Nu. You have probably gone along way in 4.5 months putting yourself back together. I found that the times I felt like I was most about to lose it were actually the times I was progressing at warp speed. If you stop this now you get to keep just about all of that.
If you can just find away to hold on not only does anger not trigger drinking the anger actually goes away. I don't have triggers anymore. I get these random thoughts that I might be able to handle it. Those thoughts float in and they can float the hell out.
That poor pup. Dogs pick up on a person's energy. He really shouldn't be dog sitting.

Soberpotamus

Glad you're ok and that you're here talking about it, Nuu. *hugs*

I can't stand animal abuse either, btw. I'd have been furious with him too. Your father sounds a lot like my grandfather!

Anyway, you CAN do this with or without AA. If AA is hurting more than helping, hey maybe reevaluate your approach?

I know you've gotta still be spinning from all the changes you've made in the past year alone. I thought to myself, wow, she sure is biting off a lot But, I also can tell you're a go-getter and highly motivated!

So, maybe time to find your slightly slower pace, and find a bit of balance, and do some fun things, or at least some relaxing things

Much love to ya...

DoubleDragons

Dear Nu, I am always relieved when I see people who I really admire on SR, come back and fess up to relapses and show us that they are still interested in sobriety. I have reached a stage in my sobriety (a little over a year) where the AV tied to complacency is always putting ideas in my head that maybe now I could "manage" it. Brave souls who have come back to SR with their tails between their legs, really, really help those of us with the complacency itches, stay the track. So, for that, I thank you very much. I know that you will find total sobriety because you are tenacious, honest and full of energy.

I did want to tell you that when I hit my one year of sobriety, I started thinking, "Well, maybe I was able to stay sober because it was an easy year." Then I started reflecting on my past year. These are just a few highlights: I had to move households quite suddenly because of a landlord issue after having already moved twice in three years. Keep in mind we have a 6 person, 3 dog family and all the toys and junk and noise and mess that go with that size of a family. My eldest child graduated from high school and left for college and then got very carried away with partying at college, although this child has since calmed down. TG!! Another child was diagnosed with epilepsy. Another child was not accepted into a certain sports academy, which had been his dream for at least 8 years. These are just the bigger highlights, as the usual extended family drama surrounding my mother's alcoholism continued and I, too, am in the fun premenopausal stage of my life. The point of this whole rant, is that my perspective was that it had been an "easy year." Had I still been drinking my body weight in red wine every night during all of these events, I wonder if I would have had to have been committed to a mental hospital. Everyone's life has its ups and downs, but I proved to myself how much easier the roller coaster was to handle because I was sober and healthy. Sobriety really truly does make life easier to handle, even on life's terms. I promise you this.

fini

hello Nuu,
very sorry to hear you went back there.
and sorry to hear you felt it coming and didn't want others to try and help you stopping it.
i would be the same, i'm as sure as i can be. i wouldn't reach out because i wouldn't want someone to try and stop me.
it all shows the irrationality right there.
good to hear you have taken action, have an appointment for tomorrow and are posting.
take care, Nuu.

GroundhogDay

I hesitate to say anything since I am not exactly the poster child for recovery, but I am concerned about your anger and your emotional state in general. Are you just venting, or are you feeling like you aren't progressing in your recovery? Has counseling helped with that in the past? If not, I would suggest a more spiritual approach. Now, don't roll your eyes at me. I mean it. It has taken me almost two years, but I think I finally get what it means to put love, compassion, and gratitude first. Doesn't mean I don't have bad days, but I'm not angry all the time anymore.

It also helps that I had a hysterectomy a year ago. I'm much calmer now. :p

Inchworm

Ah, Nuu. I'm sorry. I love to read your posts.

ccam1973

Nuu, so sorry you're hurting but thank you for being honest and coming right back here. You are a strong person. We are all human, some days we are stronger than others. My feeling is that what's done is done. You can use this experience to strengthen your tomorrow. I know you will.

... and I agree with the others, dont let your dad watch your moms dog again. Can't stand abuse towards animals.

Stay strong Nuu

happyandfree

I'm sorry to hear this nuu. I haven't read all the posts. But didn't you move recently? End a relationship?And close your business and start a new job? Maybe it's just been too much at once. That would be a lot for anyone to handle. I think the finding a counselor to help you cope with all this stress is a great decision. I think you can sort this all out. I'm glad that you are safe and ok. You can make it through this.