Ok so I am very angry.
 

So I relapsed last friday. I told my wife about it, as many of you know we are seperated. I had to go to my oupatient recovery group last night. First thing when I walk in my councelor grabs me and says we need a urine test. I say ok. After he gets the sample he takes me to his office and proceedes to tell me my wife called him and told him I relapsed. I am quite pissed off about this. The main reason is because I wanted to tell him myself. I feel betrayed. Am I wrong? Thoughts please.

Yes... but that's not the issue here.

The issue is your drinking. Do you not think your wife wants the best for you? Would any of this have happened if you hadn't drank?

There really isn't room for resentment with recovery. It will lead you down a path you don't want to travel.

I hope you find peace.

Seems like a good opportunity to practice acceptance.

Accepting your wife's action as being more about her than about you... about her concern and her fear and her confusion.

You probably feel betrayed, mistrusted, hurt.

She probably does too.

It might be a good opportunity to practice compassion - for yourself in recognizing your anger is really about your hurt, about your guilt, about your shame.... about the reality that you've actually given your wife reason to be afraid and mistrusting.... and to practice compassion for your wife. Maybe this is a good opportunity to comfort yourself by telling yourself "I understand why you feel hurt, it makes sense, but I still love you."

It may be a good time to comfort your own hurt and to offer some comfort to your wife by simply saying "My counselor told me you'd called. I'm sure that this relapse has caused you fear and pain and confusion. I can imagine you are in need of comfort and support, too and I can understand that reaching out to my counselor may have been one of the only directions you felt you could turn. I'm sorry my actions have continued to bring you suffering. I love you, and I'm working on this."

It may be a good opportunity to practice humility....

Did your wife overstep her boundaries? Yep. But you need to recognize that as part of a relationship that has been warped by addiction, in her own ways she is as sick as you. If she called your counselor saying that you drank when in fact you hadn't, THAT would have warranted anger. It was perhaps misguided on her part, but the root of this tempest is your actions, not hers.

Give her the same consideration you are asking of others in this case: forgiveness.

Hi CNY46ER.

I'm sorry about all this. I definitely feel for you because knowing myself, I think I would be equally pissed if my significant other talked with my therapist, doctor, or anyone behind my back who I have confidential relationship with regarding my personal issues. To be honest, I think I would be in a sort of rage, and I am really not an angry person, just very sensitive to uninvited intrusion into my private sphere. Well I should say "unwanted" instead of uninvited, because sometimes unexpected influence can turn out a very good thing.

At the same time though, fairness or not, anger or not... it's definitely good that your addiction counselor knows about the relapse. Of course would have been better if this came from you, but it happened this way, seems like you had no control over it. I think that your wife most likely had good intentions and did it out of worry both for you and for herself. Perhaps she felt betrayed before and did not trust you at this time? You know, people arrange interventions and things like that...

I think you are not wrong in how you feel about it. It's just that you can't revert it now so perhaps better not to cultivate the anger or resentment further, it just interferes with both your recovery and the relationship with your wife. I would definitely talk with your wife about all this and tell her how you feel, ask her why she did this, and make an agreement that next time she would talk with you first before any such action.

Again, I know that I would feel similarly mad subjectively, but like others said, sometimes intrusion and crossing boundaries serves good purpose in the longer run especially, even if we don't enjoy the process.

Your wife shouldnt done that

Maybe she was scared but still she shouldnt have done that your separated

Dont dwell on it focus on your recovery

Is it dirty? As dirty as everything alcoholism has thrown at her. She cares about you. I'm sure I would be stompin mad too. That passes.

Glad you are back and working your program! That is great, friend!!
Resentments - especially the justifiable ones, get us drunk faster than anything. For me, when I was pissed - I drank AT HER. I'll show you.......
What insanity.

In order for me to stay in the zone, I need to let it go - I have found.


Stay your course - shine it on and she'll have no reason to be a buttinski!

Kind Regards,
FlyN

So why did your wife call your counselor?

A. Because she cares about you and wants you to recover.

or

B. Because she doesn't give a crap about you and hopes you fall off the face of the earth.



If the answer is A, you are fortunate because your relationship may be salvageable.

If the answer is B, she wouldn't have called.

I don't think your wife should have made the call, since you are separated. However, there is no point at all in being angry about it. You decided to drink and that's it. The best thing to do is to let it go and focus on your recovery.

Your wife shouldn't have done that and it's natural to get angry when people step over our boundaries but it's not healthy to wallow in it. You're going through a lot with this recovery thing and anger is normal but anger can really hurt US if we hold onto it for too long

let's go back to why did you tell her

there must be a bit more to it as your wife had your councelor's number and he accepted the call....normally there would be some privacy issues. you also stated on Nov 28 that you and your wife are trying to work things out together. which is also the day you decided to drink again.

had you NOT consumed alcohol, this would all be moot.

I understand your anger but I think it's because you didn't want them to know. She must care for you to take the time to try to help you. Please don't be mad, be happy it's your way of getting sober again. That's what is important!

It is so great to see so many compassionate, understanding responses, directed towards both you and your wife. As someone who loved a person in active addiction, let me just say that when faced with the pain and devastation caused by this disease, we don't know what to do. We read, we reach out for help, and we make the best decisions we can in a frequently painful, scary situation. And we make a TON of mistakes, every one of us. I would agree with those who feel your wife overstepped her bounds here, and I can understand your anger, but I also can TOTALLY understand and relate to the fear and desperation that would lead her to that action.

Yes I am angry. At this point I have no intention to discuss the issue with her. I did what I did, she did what she did. I will continue on my path of sobriety weather she called or not. Point being I will harness the anger and turn it into something positive. I have learned that sometimes in life doing the exact opposite of what you want to do is the best decision. IE in this situation I want to engage her with how I feel about her calling. I realize this is a moot point because It wont stop her behaviors or take away the fact that I slipped. So me decision is to carry on with my head held high and tweak the plan. Comments please

why are you angry...

what is this anger, for you?

Carrying on and tweaking your plan sounds like a great idea.

Geez I just saw this. You have got to be kidding me. Why did she call them? Just to mess with you? ridiculous!

Would you like to work on the relationship with your wife? If yes, then I personally think your decision is not a very effective one. It does not provide resolution to either you or her and likely the emotional conflict will just snowball in the future. I am not sure that trying to suppress the emotions will do good to you and your recovery either, even if you don't consider your wife and your connection with her.
OK it may just be me, I am definitely a freak for honest communication in relationships. Especially in recovery.

I would say wait a day or two. That anger might change.

Carrying on and tweaking the plan is a exellent idea

Well done Cny46er

Yeah, I think at some point you have to have the conversation about boundaries if you are going to try to fix your relationship.

Bottom line, stop doing stuff and people will stop "reporting" you. If you hadn't drank, none of this would be happening. It's kind of an expected consequence, you know?

How did your wife know you had been drinking if, you're not living together?

If, what you say is true an you were going to fess up, does it really matter ?

I may wait to discuss the situation. I feel like for lack of better terms like she tattle taled on me. I am a man who stand up for my actions both good and bad. I was fully prepared to discuss the situation with him on my own. I can see why she did what she did yet It does not fly with me. There was no need. If she felt so passionatly she could of asked after my appointment if I addressed it. If I had not then I guess I could see why she would take these steps. It feels more like undermining than caring about my recovery. It was 1 slip in 63 days.

My son told her I was and she stopped by the house.

What I'm hearing is hurt.

What I'm hearing is a sense that by not giving you the chance to be the man you'd like to be, to demonstrate honor, you feel like she's telling you that you're not honorable.

What I'm hearing is pain.... What I'm hearing is that you want to be believed in, to be cared about, to be trusted and seen as honorable. I hear you interpreting her choice and her action as meaning you are not trusted and honorable. That hurts. And much of the time our response to pain is to protect, to defend.

I wonder what would happen if you simply shared with her that it hurt. That you want to be honorable and you want to be trusted and that you fear she doesn't see you as trustworthy and honorable.

I wonder - if not that - what would happen if you simply told yourself "I care about you. I am here to trust in you. I am here and see that you are honorable...."

We spend so much of our lives being angry at others because of our own pain....

But our anger only hurts us more, when what we really need is simply comfort, love, compassion.

To err is human, to forgive, divine.” You said it yourself in your posts.

I'm an alcoholic but I've been in your wife's shoes. My husband is an alcoholic and addict. When he relapsed I talked about it in an AA meeting and "outed" him. Should I have done that? No. Why did I do that? I was scared to death of his continued drinking and didn't have the coping mechanisms at the time to deal with it without venting/talking/crying to someone else. She cares about you. She is scared. You drank, probably after promising her that you wouldn't ever again and you did it again. Panicking and fear lead to not great decisions but one probably not ill intended.

I'd talk to her and your counselor about how you feel and then let it go. Probably talk to the counselor first before dumping the anger on your wife.

Just a random idea I got, not sure it's realistic in your situation...
Would this counselor be open to meet both of you briefly sometime? Totally honestly, this is what I would do, not if I were you but if this happened to me. I would call the counselor or talk with him in person and ask if he is open to this kind of stuff. Not meaning to serve as a couple therapist, just to meet once to settle this whole situation. If he is not open to this, then of course you would need to make your decisions how to process it with your wife, if you wish to do it. And also, how to continue your individual treatment. Now if the counselor is open to meet both of you once, then I would talk with your wife (yeah I know I sound like a broken record with this) maybe in a couple days, and present this as something you would like for your recovery and also for the relationship. What FeeOwl said also, express that it hurt... and also that you know your slip hurt her. And then I would go to the counselor with her, with nothing heavy, just a brief discussion and peace making.

Perhaps a little unusual approach but what I would try most likely now after thinking about all this for a half day :)