Pach

Hello Clementina,

I remember most of the articles I read that night, as well. I had even created a new bookmark labeled "Help Me", where all of the sites, including this one, are grouped. Add to that the full moon, any fence-sitting time was done and dusted upon my decision. You can be sure I didn't plan it, however. It happened when it did for a reason, a reason beyond the obvious and one which I will not understand for many, many years.

I see you have been here a few months on SR Did it find you, or did you stumble upon it as I did?

Pach

You know what, there is something about me that is the reason I could not navigate my way through the mess of information on the site for the times and dates, etc.

Good example: I cannot look at comic strips. The busyness and punchiness of colors and black splotches, I can't decipher the pictures nor the speech bubbles! Another example: When I go into a pharmacy for, say, vitamins, I find the vitamin aisle but canNOT for the LIFE of me find the vitamin I need! Why? The bottles look the same. An aisle of white, orange and green bottles may as well be dumped together into a bin, all messed up. I have to get the guy behind the pharmaceutical counter to physically walk me and point my nose in front of the ones I need. It's just too much info, visually, for my mind to process.

(But I am an artist and teacher...)

Nutshell, I figured it out.

Finally.

I guess that's why patience is a virtue.

....................

Pach!

grtgrandpa

Sounds like me Pach only sober time knocks off the peaks and valleys of my attention span and my shortcomings.

Frustration from the need to control can be lessened by activity that works for me as meditation.

Leave it and come back later when patience returns.

How important is it really. One day at a time. First things first. Easy does it. Restraint of tongue and pen. I love AA slogans cause they defuse my shortcomings.

Do what works for you Pach, but don't drink alcohol. I love water cause my body is 67 percent water.

Pach

Good advice, grtgrandpa,

I do have patience, and that's a good thing. I just can't sift through things that are tons in amount and alike or too complicated in piles. My brain, even as a child, just couldn't do it. I lack that ability, and that requires patience to get through some things. I will not reach for a drink, for any reason, I promise myself that.

Right now we are getting pounded with much needed rainfall, the most since '09, and it's about to get worse throughout the day. Oh veh! The sound woke me up! Must get back to sleep now . . .

This evening, it's finally off to the meeting races! I will be checking in

Have a wonderful day, everyone!

(((P)))

Squig

Pach, congrats on your sober time. I just got through yet another day ones than I care to remember. I had about seven months of sobriety through AA when I went back out. When I decided yesterday would be my day one I did two things- I finally joined this sight after lurking for a few months. I also contacted a childhood friend of mine who is approaching three years of sobriety after many false starts in AA. I knew with the time I had been away from AA that the group dynamics of some meetings change. Also, like grtgranpa mentioned, the number of meetings in the Maryland area can be overwhelming. I knew my old friend was doing great things in his recovery and that reaching out to him, for me, is instrumental because suprise- I'm not one to ask for help. Keep your head up and find someone who can help guide you to meetings suited for you.

grtgrandpa

Excellent sharing Squig, I hear my thoughts from your mouth.

We all need those someones who can help guide each of us to those meetings that are right for each of us, and we will keep coming back to those meetings, as the sober time mounts days, months, and years.

Pach

Hi Squig,

You know what, 1st, a huge support hug for you for climbing up again. Let it be your last time. I am just about to get in touch with an ooooooolllld friend from junior high school, who I met up with again these past few years. We met in 1977, 7th grade. We are now 48 & 49. He is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. Now we have a fair playing field in this area to talk about, now that I need to feel my way through as he did. He is one smart dude, and I know he'll be saddened by my telling him I am an alcoholic (I am the absolute LAST, MOST PERFECT PERSON ON THE PLANET he'd expect to hear this from...lest, that it's me, because he has me on this pedestal. I am not perfect, obviously.). I know he'll be heart broken for what I will be enduring for the rest of my life, and I know he'll be stumbling and crying for me. But I also know that he will support me, and come running, in fact, from afar.

I am enjoying the meetings at the moment, and I am so busy that I can barely make them, let alone keep my eyes open. I just get so tired so early on in the evening and I just wanna climb into bed and go to work the next day. It has been 2.5 weeks for me now, and I have no desire for alcohol but I am on meds, too, so it isn't fair to say I don't have an urge for it. I neglected (deliberately) the 3 pills a day, for 4 pills, and got a neatly tied dose of reality when an urge was an actual pulling-tug-of-war from my body to go and get some drinks. I told myself, "No... you are not. Game over. You cannot, will not, ever drink alcohol again, nor will you cook with it. It will kill you and you know from reading what other nightmares of failure you will endure and your health and life, etc etc etc... just FORGET THAT URGE AND BREATHE THROUGH IT. " I did. And it left me. Last night, without thinking, I was at the market, bought some chicken, fettuccine, mushrooms, butter, créme frâiche,... and grabbed a bottle of marsala wine spiced with a pinch of salt within for cooking. I was going to cook Chicken Marsala with Mushrooms. Wow. It really got to me. But, I put the chicken AND the marsala wine back on the shelves. I cook. All the time. I'm quite good and time can fly all day in the kitchen without my awareness and I look out the window to see it's dark, like today LOL. I really want to make it, but there will be that bottle, and I hadn't had my meds in 36 +/- hours when this occured. But, I put it back. I hadn't grabbed it out of an urge, but out of habit for cooking and I was out of marsala... and I threw out all of my cooking wines, including the sherry as well. I just don't want it. Yes, I'm on my meds, too, and that is why. But I resisted easily on the road with the pull and in the market, too, so that is a plus.

Squid,

Thank you for keeping me going! Making crab dip now for tomorrow . . .

Have a great Sunday!

Pach

venuscat

Hi love,

I just got home, started posting, was thinking about you, and here you are!

I'm not sure what you mean in the line I quoted above.
For me, the pain of being an alcoholic began to dissipate the moment I put down the Chardonnay. (Again).

I see the rest of my life as having amazing possibilities...every door is open for me now. And I see the same for you.

Enjoy your cooking, and I'm sure you will be able to make a wonderful new chicken recipe without the wine.

V xx

Pach

Hey V,

I meant, he will be sorry it came to this for me. I never wanted it, he was so happy I "had it together". He will come out sideways after this. Really the last thing he ever expected me to allow to happen to me. Yes, life will now get better. But it was the falling down that will get him. There's falling down, and there's being down. This, is falling. He knows me.

Hugs,
P

Pach

Hello SR Friends!

Well, Merry Eve of Christmas Eve! It is now 3 weeks since my last drink. I am getting stronger every day! Having a solidly supportive time at meetings and I have made some great connections as well.

My friend, mentioned above, did exactly as I as had expected when I told him what has been going on with me. He cried. Hard. Although he is supportive of my sobriety and coming clean with him (although it was an overnight realization for me, not something hidden), he is sad at the endurance I will need, because he is both an alcoholic and drug addict.


I have been getting headaches for seemingly no reason whatsoever, and ibuprofin doesn't help them at all. Today is day 4, nonstop.

On a better note, I feel wonderful all around. I have energy and my "get-up and go" is coming back, as are my better eating habits and power walking routine. I don't ever want to feel like I did before, before 3 weeks ago. I want to be this person forever and ever, pure, clean and smiling


You have all been extra-ordinarily awesome and kind, so much so that I can hardly, properly, word any thank-you's.

I send you all huge thankful hugs, love and light,

Pach

venuscat

Huge hugs back at you Patch!!! ♥♥

I am so sorry about your sister...that's a tough lesson to learn.

You can only look after yourself, which you are doing beautifully.
Bit concerned about a headache for 4 days though...can you see someone after Christmas?

Happy Christmas and much love to you,

V xx

Pach

He V...

Yes I will call on Friday. I think it is that some things about my daughter hurt, it's christmas, my dad is broken up and and and and and.... you know... AND lol.

Knowing his pain rips me apart. I adore that man. You know how Robin Williams is awesome and intelligent, makes comedic connections and is charming and approachable and loving and funny....all the things that make a great dad and person? My dad is a parallel like that. Amazing, and everybody who meets him wants to make sure I know that. Well duh, he's my father...and friend...and he's human and feels hurt and sad and loves no matter what and told me he wants to die, today, at the front door when I hugged him hello. "She's going to jail, one year, " he whispered in my ear. "I...want to die. I have to visit her in jail. She is talking to people that aren't there in her room, and screaming at them. Her phone is there in the kitchen, see?" I know she's loo-loo. Has been for a long time. I don't know what to tell him.

Hence... headaches...

venuscat

(((Pach))) ♥♥

It sounds very hard...you have so much going on. A lot to deal with.
Just keep looking after yourself tonight and tomorrow....drink lots of water if you can.
And know that you have us here, and we understand.

V xx

Dee74

I'm sorry for your pain Pach, but it seems to me you're doing all the right things for yourself right now, and that makes me glad.


Happy Holidays

D

Pach

Update:

Since the 7th, when I came home from detox, I have to say something wonderful is back in my life, and that is feeling naturally tired; exhausted, even. I feared not being able to sleep because of something that happened for a few months between 2008 and 2009, wintertime, between November and February 14th. It was a nightmare. Up until the past couple of years, I needed to feel safe and sleepy, unable to fall asleep, needing a drink or two only. Maybe an amaretto and o.j. after a glass of red. I know now, it gradually took more, as my stress and anguish over my daughter grew over me, leaving an unsettled feeling all day, every day. My only solace would be to sleep through it and not cry all night long, which, for a long time, I did. I still do. But I am also tired now from about 9 p.m. onward. I feel, I cry, I tire, I sleep, I awaken, I live, I am healthy. I feel, ALIVE!

Merry Christmas to all, and may God bless everything, for it matters not where you are or who you worship. God is love, does not take prisoners, and therefore I will not keep myself prisoner, for love is love, and I love myself. I resolve to stay this way, the real me, the real Pach . . . so that I can continue on with my life's path.

This is my Christmas gift to myself, and my wish for everything and everyone, everywhere.

x

venuscat

So beautiful Pach; both your words and that you feel this way.
This is one of the miracles of sobriety, and it seems only fitting that you posted this today.

I wish all of us peace ~ no matter what we have to deal with.

V xx

grtgrandpa

Pach your sobriety is at the top of the list of presents for me this Christmas along with the love of all of my SR friends.

Kris47

Welcome back Pach. Stay with us!

Pach

Not astray! Been camping. The latter 9 days, with 2 more to go. I needed to get away from the rat race and freeways, tv, markets and lights. Christmas and New Years couldn't have been any better! Campfires each night and the meteor shower this morning and tomorrow morning, a green fireball last week, and I found fresh dill growing on the riverbed today. Gets down to 27 F and Tuesday winds rain and snow destroyed a few tents. I left at 4 am and slept in my car for fear of a flash flood but all went well. Loving life, my health, and one month sobriety as of yesterday. iPhone 6 my 1/month gift to myself!

Happy New Year to friends at SR!!!!

Pach

venuscat

Happy New Year Pach!!!
And Congratulations on 1 month sober; that's awesome girl!
Your trip sounds lovely, so glad you are enjoying it.

V xx