ButterflyCher

Well, I failed on my very first day. I was doing well, checking in here, reading people's thoughts. And the day wore on and I became more and more anxious about my work. I've been performing poorly for what feels like a year, due to drinking, of course. But now, sober, I get completely overwhelmed with my caseload. I know I don't work better while drinking, but I keep my anxiety at bay, you know? With nothing in me, I just spin. I don't even know if I can do my job and it terrifies me.

I ate my lunch by 11am, and was skittish like a freaking wet cat, until finally I took off for the store before noon for a bottle. There was a guy there I know from around AA. God, what a shameful feeling, neither of us meeting eyes.

I was specifically told to message on here before going to get a drink, but I didn't. I just didn't. I wanted to drink more. Geez. I'm so mad at myself.

Okay, I'm not going to wallow in this. I drank all day, night, then today woke up shaky and went right for the bottle and didn't go to work.. What a freaking nightmare that I'm putting myself into. I don't want this. I know drank and wanted it more than I wanted my current state at that moment, but I really don't WANT this. I read somewhere on here, someone saying to stop saying you "want" to drink as you (or I, at least) don't really want to - we just have an urge.

I need to read this back in the morning when I THINK I want to drink, when I THINK sedating myself will be better than facing the music. I just can't believe I'm here. Okay, no, I have to believe it. I can't paralyse myself with my own self-pity and refusal to accept. I meant, I want to not drink and love my family, and watch movies, and read books, and travel. I want to live! I have to stop acting like I'm losing something here.. why do I keep acting this way.

Gah, k, verbal diarrhea, I know. I just need remember my thoughts when I'm my most honest because tomorrow morning, that little voice will creep up and I will think that's the real me, but it isn't. This is me. I don't want that life anymore.

Mark1014

Been where you are.

Don't Give Up.

Most days early on I only thought hour by hour, sometimes even minute by minute. If I thought too much I got overwhelmed.

Don't Give Up.

gypsytears

That is the key. You don't want that anymore so focus on how to get what you do want. You can do this.

Path2Recovery

Stay strong!

Day 1 here myself...

I want a drink right now but I am so tired from everything in my life at the moment that I couldn't force myself to go if I wanted to. After years of alcohol abuse I finally managed to work up the courage to post here...

After I made my post I was determined to not drink again... I feel like if I fail this time, then I'm really gone...

I've never wanted to be sober now more than ever. I'm so proud of myself for finally deciding to get the help I need...

If I take another drink... I think I'll finally be lost... I can't go back, I must go forward in life. I can turn my life around. I can do it.

And so can you!

Lusher

Hey ButterflyCher-

Do you think perhaps that seeing a doctor for the anxiety might be of help? Actually even see him for the booze, too. I'm just wondering if the doc could maybe prescribe something for a while, until things smooth out for you.

Try and hang in there, as the booze will not solve a thing. Perhaps spend more time here?

~Stay strong~


Lusher

resolute50

Hang in there my friend.
Learn from what set you back and be ready for it the next time.
It took me a couple times before I started stringing together days>weeks>months.
You want to be sober,and it is important to you.
It's hard,but you can do it.

strategery

It's going to take some time Butterflycher, but the key thing is to try to use it as a learning experience and to be kind to yourself. If you can learn what you can do differently, you'll have another plan of attack when this situation occurs again and be able to handle it much better, which it sounds like you're doing. *hugs*

Dee74

I think it boils down to doing more work, more effort not to drink, than the effort we spend on giving in and drinking.

Use SR, use AA - and use them before you crack, not after.

I know how hard it is when the addiction has up a full of head of steam, but realing nothing changes if nothing changes.

We really have to force ourselves to make different healthier choices Butterfly Cher...
I know you can do it

D

PurpleKnight

Welcome back!! You can do this!!