Frixion

I'm panicking a bit, because over this weekend I have had a seriously dangerous and harmful disaster happen due to alcohol abuse... here is the post describing it:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cheating.html

Anyhow to sum it up I woke up in my friends bed with no idea what had happened (I blacked out drinking).. I am in a committed & loving relationship so this is one of the worst mistakes I have made in my life. This is the reason that has made me realize I will lose everything I love to alcohol. I have not told my boyfriend because it was a mistake, and I was told from my friend, whos bed I woke up in, that "nothing had happened" (still unsure if I believe him). I am however making steps to ensure nothing like this ever happens again. I am on Day 2 of my sobriety, and have joined AA. I am dedicated to stop drinking for good before any more damage occurs.

So tonight My boyfriend, that friend, and a few other friends including my self are going out for wing night. We go every Wednesday. It's already a difficult place to be sober for me, so I have to deal with that. I was hoping I could avoid going but if I don't go my boyfriend will still go, thus he will be with this guy friend of mine w/o me. I can't survive wondering what is going on - if information is being shared, so I have to be there in case damage control is necessary. If my boyfriend ever finds out about my black out night it MUST be from me. I am so embarrassed to even be around that friend, and the shame that I may have risked my relationship with my boyfriend is overwhelming.

I'm trying to focus mainly on my sobriety, and I was wondering if any of you had ideas on how I can deal with a stressful situation without using alcohol. I need to calm these nerves or I am frightened I will order 'just one drink' at wings tonight... we all know where that "one drink" leads to. I need to stay sober for my future!

Anna

My advice is don't go out to wing-night. I stayed away from places where people were drinking alcohol for many months because I had to.

Tell your boyfriend what happened.

You are digging yourself in deeper by not telling him.

MsJax

I feel you need to tell the truth, and let the chips fall where they may. There is no way I could have gone to a wing night in my first few days of getting sober.

FaithfulAndFree

Sorry Frixion, I have no easy solution for you. I know the feeling of shame and embarrassment and i understand the need to numb yourself with a drink. My advice for you is to ride it out. Feel every emotion and work through it. In the past I spent time talking to friends and family and finding ways to ease my guilt and shame, this was the wrong approach. I needed to feel these emotions in order to really commit to my sobriety. I do promise that it will get easier but I think it is very important in early recovery to learn how to cope with our emotions soberly and independently. So unfortunately there is no easy way out or solution, just stick with it and don't drink. If you feel like you keeping the secret from your significant other is hurting more than helping then do what you need to do to put yourself at ease. This is the perfect time to be selfish and worry about yourself. We all make mistakes, try not to be too hard on yourself.

JayEl

Had I not fessed up to my husband (not about cheating, but lying and hiding alcohol) I would have been right back to drinking. I couldn't handle the additional anxiety. You need to tell him. It won't be sunshine and rainbows but it's better than hiding.

andyroo72

Honestly, I totally think you need to tell him. If you don't, where is it going to end? You'll have to always make sure you're there when your boyfriend sees the friend you ended up in bed with. Even if nothing sexual did happen, it's still crossing a line in terms of intimacy, I think. Take care.

suki44883

You are never going to feel comfortable until you tell your boyfriend what happened. He has a right to know. Every day you keep this secret, you are going to worry that somehow, he has heard something from someone.

Give yourself a break and just tell him, then it will be out in the open and you won't have to worry so much.

Soberwolf

Hi Frixion i suggest you be honest this will eat you up and if comes out and its not from you i can promise it will only make things worse

you have us in your corner 24/7

Frixion

Yes I absolutely understand where you all are coming from to be honest with him. I will always be paranoid, guilty, and ashamed if I don't. But what about my boyfriend? If I tell him his heart will be shattered, he will never trust me not to cheat, it will depress him, and all of our mutual relationships will be tainted. To me it logically doesn't make any sense to do that kind of damage over something that potentially never even happened. When I woke up in that bed I don't even remember my friend being in it... I literally could have passed out (took my top off because that's how I sleep - and poor judgement because I was blackout drunk).. I just can't see myself hurting him so profoundly if nothing may have happened.

Frixion

I would rather live with the guilt of that maybe, than hurt him over something that will never happen in our future.

Frixion

I think you are exactly correct, I just need to feel everything. I can no longer just numb my feelings

Thank you for the guidance to my direct question of how to cope in a stressful situation

suki44883

If he is wanting to marry you, he deserves to know. If you drink again, you cannot guarantee that something like this won't happen again. I think you should trust him enough to tell him how bad the drinking has gotten, what happened, and what your plan is to get sober and stay sober.

He might be hurt a little now, but if he finds out from someone else, he will be hurt much more because you kept something like that a secret from him. He deserves to know.

Carlotta

I will be straightforward with you: with the level of anxiety you must be feeling right now added to the normal anxiety which goes with early sobriety I really don't see you staying sober.
Obviously you do not believe your friend when he said that nothing happened and you do not trust him to keep his mouth shut if something happened either (which by the way would constitute rape since you were so out of it).
Only you can decide what to do right now. One way or another, you have to deal with the consequences of that drunken night

Frixion

Yeah it seems like this thread is giving me a lot of relationship advise that I wasn't really asking about (Although thank you all for sharing, because I know you all have my best interest at heart). It's just for now I have made my decision, later on when I have been sober for more than a couple days I will revisit having a serious conversation as such with my boyfriend - until then I would love to redirect this conversation into methods on how to cope "with a stressful situation without using alcohol". Once again thank you all for your opinion for solutions to the core problem, it's just something I'm not emotionally ready for right now.

JayEl

I think your best bet is to find a way to get out of it if honesty isn't a current option. There isn't going to be a magic solution to make it better with what you've got weighing on your mind.

FaithfulAndFree

Frixion, above all else we are here to support your sobriety. We all have our own coping mechanisms. I'd say, try to roam this forum, read other's story. I have a few tales of drunken nights on here (ha!). Once you read you will see that you are not alone and that our anxieties , although different, are all intense. It's important to stay grounded, understand that a bad night is just that and you have the opportunity to never have another one (some people don't get that). I like to look at it as stories and experiences that makes us wiser and less judgmental. Try to focus on positives. Write down the woman who you would like to be (this helped me a lot). I could go on for days, but we are here for you. My anxiety early on was horrible, leaving me bed ridden for days... I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Luckily our worst days are in our past.

Nowsthetime

I relate!!! Only time will help take the feelings away, time and how you react to them. Use the situation as a learning experience. That was it for me. The things that I did when I was drunk made me a person that I just did not want to be.

Cliche but true: past is past.

You can only work on the now and your behavior now will determine your anxiety tomorrow.

I understand why you wouldn't tell... Focus on being sober. Everything else will fall into place.

I'm on your side.

Frixion

Seeing how defensive I'm getting on this topic is opening my eyes to my biggest issue: I keep looking for solutions to just survive instead of resolving the core issues. Maybe that's exactly why I have always used alcohol. I'm starting to understand why in my aa meeting it was so important "to accept the things I cannot change [and gain] the courage to change the things I can". I am now seeing that honesty is really my only option, I didn't want to believe that but that is the thing I can change. My relationship should not be built on deceit, I will never be able to live with myself it was. Even if it hurts everyone involved, I can't just make my past disappear. I will in fact have to tell him exactly what I know... that I don't know what happened. Please pray for me that I gain the courage to do so.

Nowsthetime

Big of you!

You are strong and you can do this!

Lance40

Edit: I read your request to refocus the conversation. I think I was giving relationship advice.