ImABarbieGrl

Our families history could turn into a novel (Actually from my brothers perspective, it one day will be!)

My dad, the original alcoholic recently passed away after having been sober for about 11 years. He died from complications from Cancer. Anyhow he lost everything including a divorce from my mom after 37 years....He had come to understand how destroying it was.

My sister died back in March 2009 at age 45 from alcohol. Ironically she was going to go to treatment that morning, but her body shut down due to lack of alcohol. Her tolerance levels could be at 4.8 and she'd be walking and talking....

Now to go on a bit of with my sister and her family. Her husband committed suicide at 35 - in Sept. 1998. She had 3 boys, ages 5, 9 and 11. Then at age 17, her middle son committed suicide in the same fashion as his dad, gun to the head. My sister didn't become an alcoholic because of her husband, she had issues before she died....but losing him then her son it only got worse until it took her life.

Her now oldest son (The one that was 11) at the time of his dads death is majorly drinking along with doing other not even sure what drugs....

We've lost so much and I know you can't make someone stop drinking, but I'd like to help try to guide him into seeing this is truly destroying his life! I know nothing we did with my sister or dad helped....but is there anything that can show glimmers of hope to the addict on why they should take a hard look at how they are living?

I decided to invite my Nephew to dinner this Sunday. Sort of as a I don't agree with how you are living right now and because of this I can't have you often in my life, but I also don't want to completely shun him.

I told him we could do dinner Sunday, but I've made the decision we will not be drinking. Then asked what he would like for dinner? He said "Sunday's good....but I'm not in for this no drinking lol" I said Ok well just wanted to invite you, we will try again another time. I love you and have a good day." He said I'm joking. Sunday is good. I miss you." So I said ok Sunday it is.

Am I doing right by not totally shutting him out? Please former addicts, please let me know your thoughts.....I know I have no control over him per say, but really want to do what I can so to not lose another family member to death....In a way he's already lost, but I know he can come back.....

ANY advice is appreciated....

Soberwolf

So sorry to hear that imabarbiegirl

I think you made a good call by saying there is no alcohol allowed inside your home

It has to be your nephew that wants help, tell him about this site encourage sobriety meetings etc

i think your taking a good stand i know this must be heartbreaking

you could print out these links for him to read but ultimatly it has to be his choice

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

And you yourself can get additional support here Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I hope this helps in some small way friend

good luck

hopeful4

I am glad he accepted to come and he said he misses you, that's good. Also glad you agreed not to have alcohol in the home.

I am just wondering if there is any history of mental illness. I realize alcoholism is horrible, but with that level of loss in the family it makes me wonder about underlying mental illness. I don't mean that as a criticism, just a thought.

I would seek out Alanon and an appointment with a counselor who specializes in helping families with addiction.

I am sorry you are going through this. XXX

ImABarbieGrl

Thank you both for your replies...means a lot....

Hopeful, you are right in mental illness. I meant to mention this, but my brother in law he had bipolar disorder. Sadly he had a prescription for medication, but refused to take it. My sister after he died, found the prescription sheet given to him, left unfilled....

My nephew, who committed suicide. He wasn't technically diagnosed, but it was speculated that he may have also been.....he attempted suicide almost 1 year prior to his actual death. Then a few months after his attempt, his best friend committed suicide. 10 months later, he died.....my sister didn't try to get him help, she ignored it and I still struggle with anger towards her even after death that she let her son down, she knows she did...that I think pushed her over the edge. I know you can try to help a suicidal 16 yr old and still he may die, but to not try at all?! That is what kills me....one day I will forgive her, but I think temporarily it's on the back burner....

My 3 year old dog died due to what they think is meningitis last Nov. which honestly I know as insane as this sounds to some, destroyed me worse than losing my own sister.....Now my dad dying at 71, while I was in Mexico no less just seems like death in our family keeps happening and it compounds when you haven't even had a chance to deal with the last death.....

Soberwolf

Have you yourself had any councelling for any of this ?

ImABarbieGrl

Soberwolf...yes I have had counseling by a professional. I think it takes a stronger person to admit they need help, than not.... =) I'm by no means completely over everything, I try to be open and honest on things and it helps me by not ignoring what has happened. My boyfriend though of 10 months, he knows I've had some pretty horrific things happen to me...but honestly I've never really gone into full details on any of the stories....it isn't that I don't trust him.....but that's a bit off topic...back to with my Nephew....

Soberwolf

Im only saying as i realise its a lot and yes it takes a stronger person to stand up and ask for help

as for your nephew theres not much more i can add it has to be him

print off the links for him to read

hopeful4

Bipolar and alcoholism go hand in hand for many. The thing about bipolar is that it is treatable, but only if you take charge of your life, remain clean of alcohol, educate yourself, advocate for yourself, and TAKE THE MEDS!!!

Has your nephew been diagnosed with any sort of mental illness or exhibit those signs? I am not trying to intrude, but if he has these issues it may help to get him on the right medications so he is not self medicating with alcohol if that is the case.

Lovenjoy

hi barbie - i love how you handled the no drinking, oh can't come? that was awesome! and the fact that he's ok with that because he misses you is a very hopeful response don't you think?

give him hugs, tell him you love him - then do it again! laugh with him, show him the good stuff to be had sober.....

as a recovering alcoholic and mother with an addicted son i knowwww - if we are not ready to hear it, we won't. how to open the door for any kind of discussion on alcoholism with someone who drinks is difficult. approaching from an "I" perspective might be helpful? I am learning about..... I am working on understanding so I can heal the hurts.....

but mostly maybe keep the door open for more 'no alcohol' get togethers? you love each other and having time together could just work miracles. for both of you.....

sending good thoughts your way. and continue your personal work on healing, you deserve to heal.....

give him a hug. tell him you love him.

ImABarbieGrl

Hopeful, no he has not been diagnosed with a mental illness. He certainly may have one, just am not sure. I wish I could say I could get him in, but right now he just won't listen because he doesn't think he has an issue.....he's about 2 days away from being homeless, because whose currently taken him in - a couple that was friends with his parents, the wife is ready to kick him out because daily he comes home drunk....

Lovenjoy, thank you for your reply....that is what I'm going to try to do, give him a glimmer of what it's like not to be drunk and that you can have fun sober. I think he's forgotten that, along with so many scars.

His biggest problem is with all the tragedies that have fallen upon him and our family, he has the feeling that the world "owes him"....which is not at ALL the case....I've talked to him on this and it just isn't getting through to him....

I really worry for him and spoke with my brother in law today, his step dad and we both know that if he keeps on this path it will only lead him to a grave next to this mom, dad and brother....

Soberwolf

Show him this site im sure it will help him being around folk that understand completly and a great support network

ImABarbieGrl

Honestly I don't think he would be receptive right now to this site. Not until he admits he even had s problem....Sunday will be interesting to say the least.

Soberwolf

I hope it goes as well as it can

you can lean on us for support & advice 24/7

ImABarbieGrl

Thanks everyone!! Glad I found here...it's so unimaginable to be going through this again....I can't believe he is allowing himself to walk the same path as his mother did, which led to her death at 45.....

Soberwolf

Hopefully sunday goes well and he might seek help

that would be special both for you & him

i think your a really decent aunty i wish i had that in my life

you can lean on us for support 24/7