Help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ruidoso, NM
Posts: 9
Help!!
Hi, I am a total newbie at this and am needing help any way I can get it. My husband is an alcoholic. He goes to work, driving a peterbuilt log truck no less, with at least 1 if not more drinks EVERY morning for the last 2 years. Last night he asked me why I haven't said much to him since he got home, what can I say without starting the same old argument, "your drunk and I don't wanna talk to a drunk". He drinks about 10 whisky drinks a night and last night I slept on the couch cuz I just can't stand the smell of him in bed and around midnight, he got up cuz he couldn't sleep and had a drink. I am taking care of his MR daughter from his first marriage, and have been since she was 7 she is now 18, and the other day we had a speech therapist come over to our house for a meeting and when the guy walked outside to take a call, he made a drink!! He only had to wait 30 more minutes and the guy was gone for the evening. This meeting was to help with HIS daughter that I am responsible for and he can't even give me 30 min to take care of business. I can't believe that I am still with this guy!! His first wife has nothing to do with their daughter, who is developmentally disabled due to fetal alcohol syndrome & has epilepsy and bipolar disorder. Of course when she came to live with us at 7yrs old, we didn't know that and now that we know what her problems are, he uses it to keep me in line. He says I can't leave and if I do I have to take her with me. How does that make me feel, her real mom & dad want nothing to do with her, they screwed her up though, and I am left holding the bag. It's not that I don't love her, but with his problems and all of hers I am going crazy. To top it off, we have an awesome 7yr old boy that has no problems, but I am scared that if I don't get him out of this situation he will become a drunk just like his daddy and his daddy's daddy, so on and so on. I don't honestly know if I love him anymore or if I stay because I am scared of doing this on my own. I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight too, if I have the courage. By the way, my dad was an alcoholic and drug addict too and I believe that I am codependent and that is why I chose someone like him. My husband reminds me soooooo much of my dad and my dad died when I was 17 and I always felt like I missed out. Anyway sorry for the long rant, there is way more to my story and I can't get it all out in this post. Thanks, Lori
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Lori,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here. Please join us on the Friends and Family board and the Naranon board. Don't be afraid of that Alanon meeting. It's a great place to meet people who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I'm glad you're here. Please join us on the Friends and Family board and the Naranon board. Don't be afraid of that Alanon meeting. It's a great place to meet people who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
Gabe
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Welcome Lori,
This is a good place to come to talk about things that are bothering you. Gabe had some good suggestions; check out the Al-anon meeting and the forums here. Lots of people have gone through what you are going through and can offer their support to you. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
sherry
This is a good place to come to talk about things that are bothering you. Gabe had some good suggestions; check out the Al-anon meeting and the forums here. Lots of people have gone through what you are going through and can offer their support to you. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.
sherry
Guest
Posts: n/a
Bless your heart Lori! You've been carrying a huge load for a long time. I'm amazed at your inner strength! The people at Al-anon will help you navigate through your issues. Listen to what your heart (and your higher power) tells you...and find a supportive network ASAP.
Prayers
Prayers
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
Just wanted to poke in here and say that the Al Anon ppl can be found in Friends and Family of Alcoholics.
Other than that, I second whats been said before I got here.
You are incredibly strong!
Other than that, I second whats been said before I got here.
You are incredibly strong!
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Welcome, Lori!! I second what Peace said about your inner strength. I have a daughter with a developmental disability and I know what a struggle that can be. Take the suggestions of the other posters and keep coming back. You are dealing with an awful lot, and it is okay to ask for help.
Hang in there!!!!
Hang in there!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ruidoso, NM
Posts: 9
ok well i didn't go to the meeting, couldn't find a good enough excuse for getting out of the house. But he won't be home saturday and there is another one. Anyway I am just trying to stay busy at night and not pick any fights. Well he got all mad because I didn't hardly say 10 words to him last night and he told me that he heard a story about a woman who was married to her husband for 54 years and he was an alcoholic (apparently the whole time too) and she stuck it out cuz thats what married people do, they stick it out, divorce isn't the answer. Well I still didn't talk much to him after that, but thought to myself well yeah for that woman but I am not that woman I am ME!! He also had his daughter do a chore today, which I can't stand since she can never complete a chore without major help. Of course she didn't finish it till just a minute ago after taking ALL day. If she had put any effort into it at all, it would have only taken 1-2hrs. I know it is her disability that makes everything so difficult, but why does he give her chores to do knowing that she can't complete them without constant supervision, she gets sidetracked easily, and knowing he isn't the one who will supervise. He is in the log woods all day, can't call out or in, so I have to be the one making sure she gets her chores done, which I absolutely hate to do. I want out so bad, but I feel like I am just acting impulsively and will regret it later on. Sorry another rant again
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Lori,
So good to hear from you again. What a miserable day you had! You must be completely frustrated with it all. Even so...it's smart of you to not fly off the handle. Your best defense is to educate yourself about your husband's addictions. Let us know how it goes on Saturday.
So good to hear from you again. What a miserable day you had! You must be completely frustrated with it all. Even so...it's smart of you to not fly off the handle. Your best defense is to educate yourself about your husband's addictions. Let us know how it goes on Saturday.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Lori,
I just had to come back again and let you know I'm praying that you have a better day today. Just for today, try not to get locked in on the current issues...they seem to be distressing you and sapping you of your energy. Save them for tomorrow. Today, reminisce about a happier time in your life and then come back and tell us of your happiest memories. Today is about you! :boat
I just had to come back again and let you know I'm praying that you have a better day today. Just for today, try not to get locked in on the current issues...they seem to be distressing you and sapping you of your energy. Save them for tomorrow. Today, reminisce about a happier time in your life and then come back and tell us of your happiest memories. Today is about you! :boat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Ruidoso, NM
Posts: 9
Happiest memories...mmmmm....
I had to think about that one awhile but have definately come up with a few. The day I found out I was pregnant was awesome, I kept feeling my tummy and for the first time it hit me that I was gonna be "Mom" to someone. Of course another happy thought was the day my son was born. We thought he was gonna be a girl, I wanted a boy sooooooo bad and I was disapointed when they kept telling me it was a girl, what a huge surprise that it was a boy. I kept asking the nurses if they were sure!! lol Anyway a little happier today I am going shopping this afternoon by myself, away from it all. Thanks for all the support. Making me think about happy thoughts put me in such a good mood and I appreciate the prayers!! Lori
I had to think about that one awhile but have definately come up with a few. The day I found out I was pregnant was awesome, I kept feeling my tummy and for the first time it hit me that I was gonna be "Mom" to someone. Of course another happy thought was the day my son was born. We thought he was gonna be a girl, I wanted a boy sooooooo bad and I was disapointed when they kept telling me it was a girl, what a huge surprise that it was a boy. I kept asking the nurses if they were sure!! lol Anyway a little happier today I am going shopping this afternoon by myself, away from it all. Thanks for all the support. Making me think about happy thoughts put me in such a good mood and I appreciate the prayers!! Lori
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Lori,
You know...I'm not surprised at all that your happy thoughts are of your pregnancy and beautiful son. I had a sneaking suspicion it might be...as I am the mother of two sons myself. I understand that you must protect him. I would imagine as time goes on...he will grow to protect you as well.
I maintain how important it is for you to find a good support group and consider keeping your progress to yourself or as advised by a trusted counselor. With help and education of your husband's addiction and daughter's disability, you may learn to respond differently to the current issues and turn this in your favor...ever so slowly of course.
As for myself, I sometimes consider that I might have beat my alcohol addiction a long time ago if my husband had gotten counseling to help me. He can drink moderately...and just does not understand why I can't... and this has been the crux of many heated battles between us.
I truly admire the folks on this line who are not the addict...but the victims of the addict...trying to make heads or tails of our disease...when not even the professionals have all the answers.
I'm so glad you had a better day today. They may not always be that way...but we're here during the dark days too. We'll leave the light on for you (lol)! :wink1:
You know...I'm not surprised at all that your happy thoughts are of your pregnancy and beautiful son. I had a sneaking suspicion it might be...as I am the mother of two sons myself. I understand that you must protect him. I would imagine as time goes on...he will grow to protect you as well.
I maintain how important it is for you to find a good support group and consider keeping your progress to yourself or as advised by a trusted counselor. With help and education of your husband's addiction and daughter's disability, you may learn to respond differently to the current issues and turn this in your favor...ever so slowly of course.
As for myself, I sometimes consider that I might have beat my alcohol addiction a long time ago if my husband had gotten counseling to help me. He can drink moderately...and just does not understand why I can't... and this has been the crux of many heated battles between us.
I truly admire the folks on this line who are not the addict...but the victims of the addict...trying to make heads or tails of our disease...when not even the professionals have all the answers.
I'm so glad you had a better day today. They may not always be that way...but we're here during the dark days too. We'll leave the light on for you (lol)! :wink1:
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
I thought this information would be of interest:
What is codependency?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
I hope this helps at least with the understanding of codependency.
Dave
What is codependency?
There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.
However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.
One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.
*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.
*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.
*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.
As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.
Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.
I hope this helps at least with the understanding of codependency.
Dave
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
