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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: swindon uk
Posts: 14
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hi i am on my 20th day , not feeling to bad i have had a few arguments with my AV but i can deal with him. what i am having problems with is the feeling of being in every ones spotlight ,like the whole world is watching waiting for me to slip up.my wife has stood by me after all the trouble i caused her during my drinking .but its really getting to me ,the look on her face when i say i am going to the shops ,or if i am late home from work even 10 min , also everyone else like parents ,friends but especially the in laws . massively overcompensating and doing things like ,we all went out for a meal and father in law ordered a beer and his wife said "do you think you should be having a beer with Steve here ?" like i am going to jump over the table and snatch it out of his hand . i know they mean well but the constant questions, suspicions and over the top adjustments makes me think sometimes like that's pushing me more to have a drink than my AV
i know i bought it on myself, but how do i get the message to them ?
i know i bought it on myself, but how do i get the message to them ?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: austin, tx
Posts: 10
Hi Steve! I understand the wife issue a little. I went (and still am going) through the same with my wife.
The trick is understanding where they're coming from. Put yourself in their shoes kinda thing. For so long you've been wronging them and it will take lots of time on both parties to be trusting again. Be empathetic. Communicate. At the same time, despite how you've wronged her, she has to be empathetic with how hard it is for you to deal with your struggles presently. Express yourself.
As for the in-laws and others, let them know that you are your own person, and they are their own as well. Let them know you are strong in your decisions and feel like you're being babied, that it makes you feel weak when they make such remarks. Let them know you can stand on your own. If it does bother you, tell them. If it doesn't, tell them.
One problem for me is I've hardly ever been assertive with people and I just let things go on without a word and it eats at me wanting to prove them right and I'd start drinking again. I find the more I speak up, the more people acknowledge me and in turn I also acknowledge myself in my strength to do so. Godspeed!
The trick is understanding where they're coming from. Put yourself in their shoes kinda thing. For so long you've been wronging them and it will take lots of time on both parties to be trusting again. Be empathetic. Communicate. At the same time, despite how you've wronged her, she has to be empathetic with how hard it is for you to deal with your struggles presently. Express yourself.
As for the in-laws and others, let them know that you are your own person, and they are their own as well. Let them know you are strong in your decisions and feel like you're being babied, that it makes you feel weak when they make such remarks. Let them know you can stand on your own. If it does bother you, tell them. If it doesn't, tell them.
One problem for me is I've hardly ever been assertive with people and I just let things go on without a word and it eats at me wanting to prove them right and I'd start drinking again. I find the more I speak up, the more people acknowledge me and in turn I also acknowledge myself in my strength to do so. Godspeed!
Journey of Sobriety
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 195
The first time I quit for 40 days my in laws were being so difficult! I'm female so EVERY one in my guys family thought I was pregnant... On top of all that when I said I was in fact NOT pregnant they started accusing me of doing something bad while drinking as such "You must have done something pretty dumb to have to quit drinking". All of these comments stuck with me as I started drinking again, and I was so scared to quit again because I thought EVERYONE (not just them) would think of me as a reckless failure.
People seem to be under the impression that quitting drinking to be healthy is not a valid enough reason to quit. They seem to need every explanation - even people that hardly even know the individual who quit wants an explanation. It's a little silly in my opinion because if someone says they quit smoking everyone would just say congratulations. I wish they gave recovering alcoholics the same respect..
For me I am just going to try to be upfront with people and let them know I am an adult, and people don't have to act any different than they already do. If I don't like a particular situation I will just leave, and if someone is doing something that I don't particularly like and I choose to stay I will just cope with it. Them acting different for my sake would not help me recover whatsoever, because the world isn't going to change - I have to change.
Sorry long response: Rant over
People seem to be under the impression that quitting drinking to be healthy is not a valid enough reason to quit. They seem to need every explanation - even people that hardly even know the individual who quit wants an explanation. It's a little silly in my opinion because if someone says they quit smoking everyone would just say congratulations. I wish they gave recovering alcoholics the same respect..
For me I am just going to try to be upfront with people and let them know I am an adult, and people don't have to act any different than they already do. If I don't like a particular situation I will just leave, and if someone is doing something that I don't particularly like and I choose to stay I will just cope with it. Them acting different for my sake would not help me recover whatsoever, because the world isn't going to change - I have to change.
Sorry long response: Rant over
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I wanted to avoid anything like that, so I didn't tell anyone what I was doing. I let people see for themselves as I changed. You can just step back and try to not let those things affect you. Try to let people in your life see the changes you are making.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey stevet49- Congrats on the 20 days!
I think these issues of trust with the <no> drinking will resolve with some time. They just need to see the new you, and in time they will grow to realize that's it's not just a phase, but it's who you've grown to be. That you've evolved into a better, more mature person. I would even venture a guess that they might even come to respect that, and they should respect that. And you should feel proud of yourself regardless.
I know when I stopped some 16 moths ago, everybody just thought it was a phase. However, after a while they've come to learn that I really no longer drink, and it's not just a phase. And I would assume in time, I'll just be known as a non-drinker rather then a guy who stopped due to problems. So hang in there!
That might have been a valid assumption about myself when I was at my worst :-O
Very well put; very well stated.... and so true- sadly.
I just have to believe that this is because non-alkies just can not appreciate how we're wired. I don't think they understand that insatiable urge to have another drink when we've already had many. I guess it's the polar opposite of how I look at them. I just can't believe how they can only have one.
Lusher
I think these issues of trust with the <no> drinking will resolve with some time. They just need to see the new you, and in time they will grow to realize that's it's not just a phase, but it's who you've grown to be. That you've evolved into a better, more mature person. I would even venture a guess that they might even come to respect that, and they should respect that. And you should feel proud of yourself regardless.
I know when I stopped some 16 moths ago, everybody just thought it was a phase. However, after a while they've come to learn that I really no longer drink, and it's not just a phase. And I would assume in time, I'll just be known as a non-drinker rather then a guy who stopped due to problems. So hang in there!
... like i am going to jump over the table and snatch it out of his hand
Frixion quoted:
People seem to be under the impression that quitting drinking to be healthy is not a valid enough reason to quit. They seem to need every explanation - even people that hardly even know the individual who quit wants an explanation. It's a little silly in my opinion because if someone says they quit smoking everyone would just say congratulations. I wish they gave recovering alcoholics the same respect..
People seem to be under the impression that quitting drinking to be healthy is not a valid enough reason to quit. They seem to need every explanation - even people that hardly even know the individual who quit wants an explanation. It's a little silly in my opinion because if someone says they quit smoking everyone would just say congratulations. I wish they gave recovering alcoholics the same respect..
I just have to believe that this is because non-alkies just can not appreciate how we're wired. I don't think they understand that insatiable urge to have another drink when we've already had many. I guess it's the polar opposite of how I look at them. I just can't believe how they can only have one.
Lusher
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: swindon uk
Posts: 14
hi thanks for the replies and advice , I do understand and I know how much I did wrong by her with all my lies etc and I really try to see things from her side ,its just things don't make sense in my head ,for example .she will have such an issue with me going to the shop or taking a bottle of water/squash to bed <previously had hidden alcohol in > which I 100% understand why and it is early days, and my councillor told me not just to focus on her not trusting me but to also look at she must be worried about me and she knows im vulnerable at the moment ,I said this when I got home to my wife ans she said yes that's right that,s how I feel .then tonight I come home and see she had bought a big bottle of rum for herself. which is cool she has every right to buy / drink whatever she wants .but when I asked her to explain her thinking behind worrying about me going to shop but not having a problem brining a bottle of rum in the house .she just got angry and said she shouldn't have to suffer and went and poured it away in the garden and told me I was being selfish ? its hard because my councillor and alcohol key worker say I have to totally focus on me and put me first as if I don't get/stay fixed I cant fix anything else , but that doesn't work in my world with a wife and 11 month old baby ,I see them drifting further away each day and im desperate to fix the damage I have done to them I just don't seem to be getting anything right apart from day 23 and still no drink . but so lonely I want my family back
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Well done on day 23 steve thats fantastic
My gf wont drink because of what happened to me and we dont let any alcohol in the house
to be drinking a large bottle of spirits at home cant be good has your wife considered recovery its when you said a large bottle of rum thats a lot of rum
her saying saying she shouldnt have to suffer ? does she drink everyday ?
Glad she poured it away
hang in there fella you can lean on us for support 24/7
My gf wont drink because of what happened to me and we dont let any alcohol in the house
to be drinking a large bottle of spirits at home cant be good has your wife considered recovery its when you said a large bottle of rum thats a lot of rum
her saying saying she shouldnt have to suffer ? does she drink everyday ?
Glad she poured it away
hang in there fella you can lean on us for support 24/7
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: swindon uk
Posts: 14
no she bought it as an xmas treat for herself it would take her till next year to drink it ,the thing is I wasn't tempted by it in the slightest . I didn't want her to throw it away because she should be able to have what she wants ive cost her enough already , and I feel strong enough to have it around .they mean so much to me it was never a conscious decision to start drinking in first place it was only me trying to do so much/too much for them that brought me here . I wish I could make her see that plus my determination to not drink ever again. if only it was as easy as taking your brain out and say hear have a look in there
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