Letter to my future self.
 

I took some advise that somebody gave me on my last thread.

I wrote a letter about how terrible I feel and I hope that next time I have an obsession to drink or drug, I will read this letter before I pick up.

I thought I'd post it here so I have a concrete spot to save it, with my other recovery stuff.

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Dear Mrrr,

I’m writing you from day 4 post relapse. Begging you not to pick up that first drink again.

I don’t know how far you’ve come right now. Whether it’s been days, a week, months, who knows. But if you’re reading this, it’s likely that your brain is telling you a lie right now. And deep down you already know this. That's why you came here, to read this letter.

What is it saying? That “it will be different this time?”…. maybe something like… “I’m not going to be successful at recovery anyways – who am I kidding. How many failures already?” or maybe…. “I just really don’t want to miss out on this particular event.” Or “I can’t enjoy life without drinking”.

We've heard all of these lines before, many times. They are lies. Lies told by the illness which possesses you mind, body and soul. Please don't believe them.

Today, on December 2nd of 2014, I am making a commitment to us, my current self and my future self, to never pick up a drink again. Since I can’t seem to find any self-love in my current form, I like to think of this as a commitment to my younger self, more specifically. The young girl filled with innocence, love and compassion that once existed. The one that played the piano, and cared about her family, and didn’t like to see people or animals getting hurt. The girl that I ultimately abandoned when I started using and drinking at the age of 13. I’m making this commitment to her.

Alcohol and drugs have been destroying our life and the lives of the people who care about us for too long now. It’s been 15 years of a downward spiral – you’re 28 now. It’s time to stop. No matter how bad life gets: If your entire family passes away. If a pet dies. If you’re fired from your job. If your relationship ends. NO MATTER WHAT. Hold on for dear life. Because this disease is going to kill you. And that little girl deserves better.

How we feel… day 4 post relapse… as I sit here typing this. (And remember - this is only day 4.... the last 3 have been pure.... well you know.) Right now:

I feel like everyone knows. Everyone is watching me and they can all see that I am in trouble. They can all see that I need help and they stare at me.
I feel so alone. Like there is nobody in this world who even knows me.
My hands quiver and shake as I type, I feel weak.
I’m terrified to be around people. I’m terrified to go outside.
My skin is breaking out everywhere… I didn’t shower for 3 days and I feel dirty and disgusting.
I haven’t exercised in almost a week and I feel like I’m gaining weight and my health is suffering.
I'm hacking and I smell stale cigarettes.
Completely overwhelmed at work and I feel like I’m going to get fired.
So depressed. I didn’t get out of bed for 3 days. Lying there in the dark staring at the ceiling thinking about how desperately I want my life to change.
My eyes are itchy, dry and tired. I can’t concentrate on anything. I feel like I could collapse from exhaustion at any moment.
I can’t sleep. It’s been 3 days since I slept. My body is withdrawing from the alcohol.
My mind is racing and talking in all different directions but saying nothing. I feel like I’m losing my grasp on reality. Going crazy.
I feel like a terrible, immoral human being. A waste of a life.

There are many more awful things I could list, but I believe this makes my point. You don’t want to feel like this. And if you pick up that drink? You will. And Mrrr that’s why you are making this commitment to yourself today. The commitment to never pick up that first drink or drug, ever again.

Reach out, call someone, get to a meeting. You can do this. Do anything - but do not pick up that drink Mrrr. I need you to stay strong right now.

Please future Mrrr.

Love, yourself.... day 4 post-relapse Mrrr.

Wow. That's a fabulous letter to yourself and very inspiring. thanks for sharing!

What an awesome letter ...what an awesome idea.

Great decision, dig your heels in and stay on this side of it, you deserve it, seal that letter up and stick it away, you'll never need it

Fantastic idea to reach for this letter, I hope it will bring you strength with your struggle. I will write one for myself, to my family, and to my husband and hope it provides me with the strength I need to continue my own journey!

Beautiful letter to read.

Brought tears to my eyes.

You can do this.

Exellent post Mrrryah

i have a lot of faith in you

you may think this is silly, but, make a copy and mail it to yourself, put it in with a greeting card, just make sure to mail it to you and no-one else. :)

you know, that thing with stamps on it?

Nice post!! :scoregood

That was very well written and an excellent idea to help beat that deceitful AV. You can do this, your sense of resolve and urgency really come across in everything you say. Future Mrrryah will thank you for this.

Very impressive, Mrrryah.
Deal with the suffering for a few days.
It will be well worth it.
You're fortunate to have realized that
you'd like to change for the better,
at such a young age.
Be prepared to reject your AV's
advances when it charmingly
announces that all is well.
I've fallen for it's lies more
times than I'd like to remember.
Outsmart that dirty liar.

Thank you for sharing! This is awesome!

Yes yes yes. Thanks for the support guys :):)

damnit mrrrr, you made me cry :) I wrote basically the same thing in my late 20's. Make sure today self hears me, it's a dangerous thing catching a buzz... Thank you for your post, it helps me.

You have brought tears to my eyes, sweet Mrrryah. What a wonderful letter.

I hope you never HAVE to read the letter, that you have had your very last relapse, your very last weak moment and that only strength, courage, commitment and success lie ahead of you.

I hope, instead, that you stumble across that letter decades upon decades upon decades from now, pause to read it and give thanks for the beautiful life you have led.

thanks for sharing that M.
That was a beautiful and brutally honest letter.
<3
*HUGS*

Thank you very much for posting this!

I dig it....

Here's a short letter that it made me think to write to myself.... you can feel free to use it too. :)



Dear FreeOwl Past;

I'm sure glad you had that 1.5 year relapse and then came back to the path of sobriety.

If you hadn't spent that year and a half falling deeper into the cycle, armed with what you'd learned in the previous 5 months of sobriety, you may not have seen so clearly what was really happening when you finally did. If you hadn't spent those last several months silently suffering, quietly panicking as you tried, and failed, tried, and failed to moderate; maybe you wouldn't have been ready.

But now it's almost a year. Standing atop this little hill of hope and goodness I can honestly tell you it was all worth it. I'm grateful for the crap you put yourself through.... because it was all part of the momentum I needed to truly, finally, honestly and deeply put myself to the task of active sobriety.

Life is Good. And every day it deepens as I open and learn and grow. It's not always easy - but it's always better.

If you hadn't endured that relapse... if you hadn't held to your convictions and surrendered your will.... if you hadn't embraced sobriety, AA, SR, worked the steps, gotten a sponsor, taken time to help carry your experience strength and hope to others, focused on gratitude, patience and learning.... if you hadn't been seeing a counselor to work on your anxieties and stress, exercised, begun to really work at meditation, read the big book... then we wouldn't be standing here. We wouldn't be looking out over a beautiful and hopeful horizon at the boundless possibilities ahead, standing here in this beautiful Now, having left behind all that blackness.

Way to go. And thank you.

FreeOwl Now

Awa, I love this, Mrrr.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!! I sincerely hope to be writing the same letter to my past self some day!

:)