biminiblue

He says, "Just stop."

Really, it is that simple. Easy? No. Simple, yes. It is a decision that you make, right now, to not drink again.

This thing is trying to kill you. Ascites (abdominal fluid) is serious - life threatening even. Do whatever it takes, rehab, meetings, doctor, therapy, church, giving up access to money. Your husband is always going to have his own opinions - do what it takes for you.

Anna

It sounds like you're working on a plan and that you will be doing Day 1 tomorrow. One thing I would suggest is to take the focus off your husband and what he thinks about this. I know for me, I had to focus ALL my energy on staying sober. Your husband will see for himself the positive changes you make in your life.

JayEl

Thanks all. Anna, today is day one. Drank all day yesterday, and the 5 days before, but talked to my husband last night and haven't had anything today and won't be buying anything.

The craziness of how bad I had gotten a couple years ago, vomiting constantly, stomach looking 9 months pregnant from all the fluid, driving drunk, days melted into weeks into months like that. Lost my job too. That tends to happen when you don't go to work. I actually looked forward to the paracentisis since I knew it would relieve the swelling for a bit. Nothing helped the yellow eyes and red patches on my throat and chest...

after a patch in the hospital and some sobriety that all seemed to melt in the background. I got another job, started 'controlled' drinking again. I don't think I ever fooled myself but I really think my husband closed the door on that time and isn't looking back to it. I feel like I tried to explain that I knew this was going straight back down that path but it's like he's not hearing it. Which is fine. This is mine, not his and I know what I need to do.

JayEl

You know. I think every week, month that went by while managing drinking without those awful symptoms coming back was some level of justification. I need to look at the behavior that drives it.

Sure I went a few days each week not drinking. Which is something the very sick me wouldn't dream of doing but I was consumed by when I could drink again. And when I did, well who drinks 12 beers on a week night? Little hungover? No - shaking and sweating is not a hangover, it's withdrawal. Plain and simple.

My thoughts are still all scattered on this but I've been reading the Big Book today, the stories mostly. But I'm going to press on with helping me. Sorry if this is a little all over the place.

Psybadek

My ex fiance's mother is an alcoholic. My ex COMPLETELY understood what it was to be an alcoholic and what it meant to live with one.

I still drove her away.

Some people will never understand this thing.

You have to learn it, live it, and to smile your ass off everyday for doing all you can to fight for yourself. Do that and the rest falls into place.

biminiblue

Keep writing. You are going out figure this out, and this is a good place to talk about it. We get it.

Your husband is not you. He's got his own opinion, you don't have to agree.

Don't drink today.

Do that tomorrow, too.

JayEl

Thanks. I posted a few months back about almost wishing my drinking was worse like it had been so it would be easier to get better. What kind of thinking is that?!? But I think I just wanted to have the sympathy from the procedures and bloodwork and doctors appointments. I don't want that again. No one in their right mind wants that again and riding that sympathy didn't work before and won't work now.

I think that's a big thing for me right now. There's no sympathy just disgust. I want to blink my eyes and have a month sober and remember this feeling clearly.