Major Changes in (or near) Year 1
 

Hi all,

I have a question about making major life changes in sobriety, specifically near year 1.

Background: 9+ months sober after 3 years in AA. Never longer than 3-5 days before that and pretty far down the scale alcoholic since 2010. I did not suffer much material loss or many external consequences (but surely, both were on their way!).

I've gotten and maintained sobriety, so far, through following the suggestions of my sponsor and other old timers in my group. That means I have a couple of home groups, attend daily meetings, engage in service, have a job in my group, load my car up with AAs for meetings, and use the phone to reach out to others, daily. Steps 4-12 are on the horizon, but my sponsor is keeping me on 1-3 for the 1st year.

Sobriety is better than I ever imagined (even without the pink cloud BS). I enjoy my involvement in AA.

I was told "No major changes in the 1st year of sobriety". While I do try my best to live in the day, I plan for but don't project into the future.

My question relates to marriage... In 2011, I was engaged to my then (since 2007) and still current live-in girlfriend. We broke the engagement for reasons relating to my recovery/alcoholism, but agreed some months later to start from scratch and have since rebuilt our relationship into something we both see carrying us happily to marriage. She's not an addict/alcoholic, but attends and practices AlAnon.

So, for all but a single 3 month stint, we've together since 2007 ie almost 8 years. We'd both like to get married (and she'd like me to "Shi* or get off the pot."). Step 1 is getting re-engaged, however "no major changes in year 1". I'm fine with that, she's fine with that.

But how do I know when and if I can take a major change like engagement/marriage?

Hey MrLofg0029-

First, congrats on the 9+ months!!!

I'm not involved with AA, so I'm not in a position to comment on your question, however I just wanted to say how impressive your post was, in reference to a person who's determined to live sober. Good stuff!!!

I wish you and your girl all the best, and I look forward to seeing you around.


Lusher

I think you have to look inward to find that answer. You are the only one who can know if you should be engaged or not. :)

I did make major changes in my life in the first year. I moved in the first week of recovery to a place where English was not the first language. And, I had to find a new job. It all worked somehow. :)

Only you can answer that question. And you have someone else in your life to help you with that answer.

Thanks for the responses!

I think that both she, being my girlfriend, and I know that we want to commit to one another via marriage. I have no reservations concerning the relationship. In fact, sharing a happily married lifetime with her (an impossibility unless I'm sober) has, at times, helped strengthen my resolve to stay sober.

In effect, I'm asking about unknown unknowns (to use a Donald Rumsfeldism).

I don't anticipate the engagement competing my attentions away from my recovery. In fact, she's happily agreed to do most of the planning while consulting with me periodically. I understand early marriage can be stressful, but we've been living together since 2009 which should mitigate some of potential newlywed stress. Furthermore, our hypothetical wedding wouldn't take place until (and probably unless), I'd been 2 years sober, simply because of the time it takes to book and plan a wedding.

Am I failing to anticipate challenges to my sobriety that I might face?

ps I have discussed this with my sponsor and with my group. I'm just seeking more feedback.

I think in general it's a good rule - it speaks to not getting ourselves into the stress and fear, ups and downs of change.

But sometimes things happen - I had to move house, I met The Someone - so I made some changes, all the while committed to my recovery - and for me, it turned out OK.

If you're concerned you can always have a long engagement :)

Best wishes Mr L

D