Binge and Denial
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
Binge and Denial
New here,
I kept arguing with myself and my wife and anyone else that had a voice about my situation. I justified it with others that drank or people who had not seen the binge / blackout drunk Guy I can be. That all came to light on none other than Thanksgiving night. I travel for a living and am currently overseas. But we had our thanksgiving dinner sponsored by the company, I got my start there, then continued with a few of my coworkers at the bar, then continued with some of the locals here, and ended up downtown in a club I don't recall dancing with people I don't remember and finally ending up back in my room with a woman I will never know. I have put my marriage, my children and my job all out to sea for a night of drink and sex.
I am not sure if my marriage is going to be able to be rescued from this. We are currently living in separate places and I was on "probation". We were working towards something and it felt really good. I ask myself why I go binging, and I haven't really had an answer. But that was denial, I have been medicating pains and guilt's from previous bad decisions. They all seem to snowball in my head, I "do good" for 2-3 weeks. Hell I even did 10 weeks last year. And after that I was able to sustain a normalcy with out the binging, but as time went on I hit it harder and harder. Until I have just about lost it all. I am clinging to my job by the skin of my teeth. I didn't know where to turn. I am currently on a month tour out of the country, and only in week 2 of that tour. ( again the shame that I only lasted two weeks before cratering into a blackout binge) I have two more weeks to go until I can get back to the states and some support and or doctors.
But I found this site, and have been reading all of the articles about relationships and cold turkey etc. Then I turned to the posts in the forum, and its nice to know that I am not alone in having days and moments like I have had.
I want to become a better person for children, for my estranged wife, for the rest of my family, but after reading up on the site here, I realize that I need to do it for myself most of all. I need to be healthy and happy with the guy I look at in the mirror before I can be true and happy with anyone else out there.
I have hurt my wife too many times doing this, I have put other members of my family in awful situations having to hide or deny what I have been up to. I am ashamed to look at my kids (11-5) and try to play a good father when I am a completely different person away from them and on a bender.
Not sure how much to put out there on the first post but it just keeps coming, and I think its a relief to finally admit that I am a mess and need help.
Two more weeks and I will be back stateside and working with a doc there.
I know cold turkey isn't for me. My biggest hurdle will be the travel home, my favorite time to throw a couple down on the long international flight and watch movies.
I kept arguing with myself and my wife and anyone else that had a voice about my situation. I justified it with others that drank or people who had not seen the binge / blackout drunk Guy I can be. That all came to light on none other than Thanksgiving night. I travel for a living and am currently overseas. But we had our thanksgiving dinner sponsored by the company, I got my start there, then continued with a few of my coworkers at the bar, then continued with some of the locals here, and ended up downtown in a club I don't recall dancing with people I don't remember and finally ending up back in my room with a woman I will never know. I have put my marriage, my children and my job all out to sea for a night of drink and sex.
I am not sure if my marriage is going to be able to be rescued from this. We are currently living in separate places and I was on "probation". We were working towards something and it felt really good. I ask myself why I go binging, and I haven't really had an answer. But that was denial, I have been medicating pains and guilt's from previous bad decisions. They all seem to snowball in my head, I "do good" for 2-3 weeks. Hell I even did 10 weeks last year. And after that I was able to sustain a normalcy with out the binging, but as time went on I hit it harder and harder. Until I have just about lost it all. I am clinging to my job by the skin of my teeth. I didn't know where to turn. I am currently on a month tour out of the country, and only in week 2 of that tour. ( again the shame that I only lasted two weeks before cratering into a blackout binge) I have two more weeks to go until I can get back to the states and some support and or doctors.
But I found this site, and have been reading all of the articles about relationships and cold turkey etc. Then I turned to the posts in the forum, and its nice to know that I am not alone in having days and moments like I have had.
I want to become a better person for children, for my estranged wife, for the rest of my family, but after reading up on the site here, I realize that I need to do it for myself most of all. I need to be healthy and happy with the guy I look at in the mirror before I can be true and happy with anyone else out there.
I have hurt my wife too many times doing this, I have put other members of my family in awful situations having to hide or deny what I have been up to. I am ashamed to look at my kids (11-5) and try to play a good father when I am a completely different person away from them and on a bender.
Not sure how much to put out there on the first post but it just keeps coming, and I think its a relief to finally admit that I am a mess and need help.
Two more weeks and I will be back stateside and working with a doc there.
I know cold turkey isn't for me. My biggest hurdle will be the travel home, my favorite time to throw a couple down on the long international flight and watch movies.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Hey, HMS, and welcome. SR is here for you 24/7/365. Someone is always here to talk.
Stop drinking now. Simple as that. When you get home you can get professional help. What you have to do now is stop feeding the fire. If you can't stop, treat booze like cold medicine. Only enough to do the job.
It's good you have a life to save.
Stop drinking now. Simple as that. When you get home you can get professional help. What you have to do now is stop feeding the fire. If you can't stop, treat booze like cold medicine. Only enough to do the job.
It's good you have a life to save.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
welcome 
you mention you have 2 more weeks before going back stateside to support and a doctor. Just a thought, have no idea how possible/plausible it is as you are saying you're waiting the 2 weeks, but I'd feel much more comfortable going to a doctor in another country to talk to rather than my own were I in your shoes.
To go to a doc who is a stranger relieves a lot of fears...my own and many I've seen others post about in the past. eh - just a rather random idea I had. <--it's earlier morning here and I'm not even through with 1st coffee.
I've been in a similar position in earlier time of my life and remembering medicating the guilts and bad decisions. What helped me was to either speak to a trusted person (here at SR you can post freely too) who isn't going to pile on more guilt, lectures and such.
This is NO point in beating yourself up. That tends to fuel more of the same behaviours.
take it easy...stick around.
Cheers!
you mention you have 2 more weeks before going back stateside to support and a doctor. Just a thought, have no idea how possible/plausible it is as you are saying you're waiting the 2 weeks, but I'd feel much more comfortable going to a doctor in another country to talk to rather than my own were I in your shoes.
To go to a doc who is a stranger relieves a lot of fears...my own and many I've seen others post about in the past. eh - just a rather random idea I had. <--it's earlier morning here and I'm not even through with 1st coffee.
I've been in a similar position in earlier time of my life and remembering medicating the guilts and bad decisions. What helped me was to either speak to a trusted person (here at SR you can post freely too) who isn't going to pile on more guilt, lectures and such.
This is NO point in beating yourself up. That tends to fuel more of the same behaviours.
take it easy...stick around.
Cheers!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Ga
Posts: 1,511
Welcome! I travel for a living also. It made it easier to get away with. Lots of support here. Check in daily and don't stop. I had the same drinking pattern as you. I stopped for 89 days. Thought I had a grip on it, got busy didn't get in here much last week. I drank on Thanksgiving and also on Friday. If I would have checked in here I know things would have been different. SR is wonderful, stay close by!
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
I can do all things through he who strengthens me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
HMS, I would recommend you stop drinking now. 2 more weeks of this could be 2 weeks that make things worse or even dangerous. I don't know what country you are in but could you try to find an AA meeting?
Definately use this site. We have all been there, done that so we understand. Welcome to SR.
Definately use this site. We have all been there, done that so we understand. Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I've been where you are. Those long flights, that travel to so many far-flung places... Telling myself all the lies about how cool it is, how important it is, blah blah blah.
The truth is it was all miserable and I drank all the more to try and kill the misery.
I no longer travel, but for maybe one or two events a year. It's slowed my 'career trajectory' - but it's given me back the important things in life, and enabled me to recover.
I truly hope you will jump onto a program and get yourself sober.... Having been right where you are I know what a terrible, despairing, self-loathing, awful way it is to live. Being nearly a year sober.... I know now how much deeper, happier, richer and more joyful life really is.
AA, this site, counseling and active recovery every day has been what turned it all around for me.
Welcome.
The truth is it was all miserable and I drank all the more to try and kill the misery.
I no longer travel, but for maybe one or two events a year. It's slowed my 'career trajectory' - but it's given me back the important things in life, and enabled me to recover.
I truly hope you will jump onto a program and get yourself sober.... Having been right where you are I know what a terrible, despairing, self-loathing, awful way it is to live. Being nearly a year sober.... I know now how much deeper, happier, richer and more joyful life really is.
AA, this site, counseling and active recovery every day has been what turned it all around for me.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Also: look for AA near you.... It's all over the globe. My sponsor is over 25 years sober and has traveled in his career that entire time. Goes to AA wherever he finds himself. Get to the next available meeting in your area and get some support. Tell colleagues and clients you're under the weather and bail on all remaining 'dinners out' and happy hour. Don't let your inner voice tell you that doing so will ruin your career - it's BS.
What's ruining your career is your drinking.
What's ruining your career is your drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Hey there! I'm a firm believer in seeing a doctor when you get sober. Besides the health concerns ( and there are hundreds) it takes a weight off to come clean to another person ,face to face. I wouldn't wait 2 weeks. In 2 weeks our minds convince us there is no problem. When you are home tell your wife the huge step you made. Then go see your regular doctor. None of this will just go away.
Did you tell your wife what happened?
Did you tell your wife what happened?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
Yes, everything is already out in the open with her.
It was a pretty painful and awful night.
I think it was what I needed to finally feel the bottom. Or at least as far down to the bottom as I want to be.
Thank you all for your support already. All of your posts are being welcomed with an open mind and I am extremely grateful to have found this forum.
One day at a time for me right now. And to be quite honest. One hour at a time.
My wife and I are not speaking at this time. And one of the final things I said to her was that I don't want to hurt her anymore and that I need to get help and be healthy if we have any chance of reconciling our marriage.
We have some codependency issues to deal with as well.. But I need to fend off my own demons first.
It was a pretty painful and awful night.
I think it was what I needed to finally feel the bottom. Or at least as far down to the bottom as I want to be.
Thank you all for your support already. All of your posts are being welcomed with an open mind and I am extremely grateful to have found this forum.
One day at a time for me right now. And to be quite honest. One hour at a time.
My wife and I are not speaking at this time. And one of the final things I said to her was that I don't want to hurt her anymore and that I need to get help and be healthy if we have any chance of reconciling our marriage.
We have some codependency issues to deal with as well.. But I need to fend off my own demons first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 160
Use online resources as best you can until you get back. Come here anytime you feel the urge to drink. There are online AA meetings as well if you can't find something locally.
I'm a recovering binge drinker myself. It is tough because you can go days without a drop of alcohol, then the minute you have 1 drink it is game over. It is so easy to fall into denial.
Even bookmark your own post and read it anytime you feel tempted. Remind yourself of what happens even if you try to have just one drink. Remind yourself that you are an alcoholic. You don't need to drink everyday to be one. I lived in denial about that for far too long.
Best of luck.
I'm a recovering binge drinker myself. It is tough because you can go days without a drop of alcohol, then the minute you have 1 drink it is game over. It is so easy to fall into denial.
Even bookmark your own post and read it anytime you feel tempted. Remind yourself of what happens even if you try to have just one drink. Remind yourself that you are an alcoholic. You don't need to drink everyday to be one. I lived in denial about that for far too long.
Best of luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 44
The start of Day 3, and I'm itching. My remorse and self loathing and anxiety over what I have done is eating away at me inside. I put up a good face with the co-workers but all I want to do is drown the feelings inside.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
It's really hard to take isn't it?!?! Ugh, I know how you feel and it's horrible. I've done some pretty sh1tty things too, we all have.
But honestly the only thing that's going to make things better is staying sober.
Instead of thinking about giving up alcohol, and hating that, think of the life you want and the person you want to be, focus on that and work on getting there.
If you drink again, it'll only get worse.
Try to stay positive, I know it's hard. What helps me is to go into the gratitude threads, for some reason I feel so much better after that.
I'm on day 6 and I'm loving being sober, I've nearly relapsed a few times this week, but I love being sober so much I poured my wine down the sink.
Try to think of sobriety as a gift.
stay around here, don't go off drinking!!
But honestly the only thing that's going to make things better is staying sober.
Instead of thinking about giving up alcohol, and hating that, think of the life you want and the person you want to be, focus on that and work on getting there.
If you drink again, it'll only get worse.
Try to stay positive, I know it's hard. What helps me is to go into the gratitude threads, for some reason I feel so much better after that.
I'm on day 6 and I'm loving being sober, I've nearly relapsed a few times this week, but I love being sober so much I poured my wine down the sink.
Try to think of sobriety as a gift.
stay around here, don't go off drinking!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
