Must've quit a thousand times.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1
Must've quit a thousand times.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. Until I drink.
I have a great partner and three year old son. I'm 26 years old. However, I'm obsessed with getting pissed. My partner can be working nights and I find an excuse to get drunk. My child will be in bed and I'm oblivious. I'm in another room off my face, resenting the world with a false sense of entitlement. I'm nasty. The phone comes out and I start sending horrible messages and making ridiculous phone calls. I can't remember this. I wake up the next day full of shame and regret. My partner has forgiven me numerous times before but I feel like this is the last straw.
I quit a few months back. Didn't have a drop for a month or so. I don't drink every day but when I do I can't stop. I'm not responsible. I'll drink until I pass out. I'll drink whatever is in the house. I get obsessed with booze and pretend I'm able to enjoy it responsibly like regular people when I know deep down I can't. I like to pretend I can.
I'll cry. I'll beg. I'll apologise and make promises which I'll break when the dust settles. I don't want to be like that anymore.
I have a decent job, no financial worries and a good life but then a switch in my brain flicks and I don't care. I self destruct. I don't think about the people I love. I don't think about myself. It's all fine in the moment because I feel good. I feel like my responsibilities are gone. They aren't. I'm downstairs being a person I hate while my child I'm responsible for is fast asleep in bed. Whilst my partner is working. It's an escape. No idea what I'm trying to escape from, but I do it. I need to stop.
My last drink was Wednesday night. I was in a state and being that person I hate. That person who will inevitably drive my family away. All for the sake of drink. Before I started on Wednesday night I knew what would happen. It always happens. But I somehow justified it. I keep justifying it. I'm an adult I should be able to do that.
I don't pity myself. I pity the ones I love. They don't deserve this. They don't deserve my evil twin. The one that can't function, can't speak coherently and quite simply doesn't think. I have no idea what's going through my head when I'm like that. If I knew I would be terrified. I can't touch the stuff anymore and I won't. I can't do it alone. I can't slip back into old ways.
I've told my best friend about the situation - a good drinking buddy. I can't lie anymore and pretend I don't have a problem. I'm sitting here now, hoping everything will be OK. I'll trying to be positive but I want an instant fix. I want drinking to be a distant bad memory. It will take a lot of work to rebuild my relationship and to earn trust back - to stop my partner being worried when she goes to work in case I sit at home and decide to get bladdered.
I'm rambling. I'm shaking. I'm trying to be optimistic.
I have a great partner and three year old son. I'm 26 years old. However, I'm obsessed with getting pissed. My partner can be working nights and I find an excuse to get drunk. My child will be in bed and I'm oblivious. I'm in another room off my face, resenting the world with a false sense of entitlement. I'm nasty. The phone comes out and I start sending horrible messages and making ridiculous phone calls. I can't remember this. I wake up the next day full of shame and regret. My partner has forgiven me numerous times before but I feel like this is the last straw.
I quit a few months back. Didn't have a drop for a month or so. I don't drink every day but when I do I can't stop. I'm not responsible. I'll drink until I pass out. I'll drink whatever is in the house. I get obsessed with booze and pretend I'm able to enjoy it responsibly like regular people when I know deep down I can't. I like to pretend I can.
I'll cry. I'll beg. I'll apologise and make promises which I'll break when the dust settles. I don't want to be like that anymore.
I have a decent job, no financial worries and a good life but then a switch in my brain flicks and I don't care. I self destruct. I don't think about the people I love. I don't think about myself. It's all fine in the moment because I feel good. I feel like my responsibilities are gone. They aren't. I'm downstairs being a person I hate while my child I'm responsible for is fast asleep in bed. Whilst my partner is working. It's an escape. No idea what I'm trying to escape from, but I do it. I need to stop.
My last drink was Wednesday night. I was in a state and being that person I hate. That person who will inevitably drive my family away. All for the sake of drink. Before I started on Wednesday night I knew what would happen. It always happens. But I somehow justified it. I keep justifying it. I'm an adult I should be able to do that.
I don't pity myself. I pity the ones I love. They don't deserve this. They don't deserve my evil twin. The one that can't function, can't speak coherently and quite simply doesn't think. I have no idea what's going through my head when I'm like that. If I knew I would be terrified. I can't touch the stuff anymore and I won't. I can't do it alone. I can't slip back into old ways.
I've told my best friend about the situation - a good drinking buddy. I can't lie anymore and pretend I don't have a problem. I'm sitting here now, hoping everything will be OK. I'll trying to be positive but I want an instant fix. I want drinking to be a distant bad memory. It will take a lot of work to rebuild my relationship and to earn trust back - to stop my partner being worried when she goes to work in case I sit at home and decide to get bladdered.
I'm rambling. I'm shaking. I'm trying to be optimistic.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi and welcome rric 
I must have quit a thousand times too...but the 1001st time, I really wanted to change, I gave it my all, I went to lengths I'd never gone before...
I didn't want to feel better and change my mind again in a few days, I didn't want to hope I'd be ok anymore, I wanted to make sure.
I was DONE. And nearly 8 years later I know I was right
Have you thought of the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober?
you'll find a lot of support here - it's a great community
D
I must have quit a thousand times too...but the 1001st time, I really wanted to change, I gave it my all, I went to lengths I'd never gone before...
I didn't want to feel better and change my mind again in a few days, I didn't want to hope I'd be ok anymore, I wanted to make sure.
I was DONE. And nearly 8 years later I know I was right
Have you thought of the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober?
you'll find a lot of support here - it's a great community
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
You're only 26.
The truly despairing part of all this has yet to hit.
It gets worse.
But it needn't do.
Get yourself committed to active sobriety and you will stop this awful thing before it runs you into the ditch truly.
For me, it took another 14 years or so before I stopped the madness. For me, it took AA and counseling and it took a lot of awful stuff to get me there.
Do you want to live a rich rewarding authentic life and be happy?
Or - do you need a decade or two of really, truly awful stuff before you're willing?
The truly despairing part of all this has yet to hit.
It gets worse.
But it needn't do.
Get yourself committed to active sobriety and you will stop this awful thing before it runs you into the ditch truly.
For me, it took another 14 years or so before I stopped the madness. For me, it took AA and counseling and it took a lot of awful stuff to get me there.
Do you want to live a rich rewarding authentic life and be happy?
Or - do you need a decade or two of really, truly awful stuff before you're willing?
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi and welcome rric
I must have quit a thousand times too...but the 1001st time, I really wanted to change, I gave it my all, I went to lengths I'd never gone before...
I didn't want to feel better and change my mind again in a few days, I didn't want to hope I'd be ok anymore, I wanted to make sure.
I was DONE. And nearly 8 years later I know I was right
Have you thought of the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober?
you'll find a lot of support here - it's a great community
D
I must have quit a thousand times too...but the 1001st time, I really wanted to change, I gave it my all, I went to lengths I'd never gone before...
I didn't want to feel better and change my mind again in a few days, I didn't want to hope I'd be ok anymore, I wanted to make sure.
I was DONE. And nearly 8 years later I know I was right
Have you thought of the nuts and bolts of how you might stay sober?
you'll find a lot of support here - it's a great community
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome to the forum.
I can identify a lot with your post and was very undisciplined in my way of life. Not meaning to hurt you but the age of your son was in my head and as I’m reading I thought foolishly he was posting a bit.
Alcohol in general does more damage the more/longer we drink with bad mental and or emotional results, it happens to many who think “it won’t happen to me.”
Alcoholism is an progressive disease which means it never gets better unless we stop and then it’s arrested. The end result of continued drinking for those addicted to alcohol is a miserable life and usually the loss of all dear to us followed by a horrible death.
As with many things in life we have choices which may be difficult to deal with at first but will lead to a person that’s comfortable in their own skin. That might be getting into and following the AA program along with participating with these forums.
As I was told in the beginning while going to meetings “ Your misery is refunded if you decide you don’t like what we offer.” Unfortunately too many are not with us today because they chose their way to do battle with alcohol which is powerful, baffling and cunning.
As a first step most of us needed to get honest with our self about our drinking and accept the fact we cannot drink in safety.
I know it’s a post we don’t like but far too many die from this disease than necessary world wide. If someone said it’s in the millionS I would not have any doubts at all.
BE WELL
I can identify a lot with your post and was very undisciplined in my way of life. Not meaning to hurt you but the age of your son was in my head and as I’m reading I thought foolishly he was posting a bit.
Alcohol in general does more damage the more/longer we drink with bad mental and or emotional results, it happens to many who think “it won’t happen to me.”
Alcoholism is an progressive disease which means it never gets better unless we stop and then it’s arrested. The end result of continued drinking for those addicted to alcohol is a miserable life and usually the loss of all dear to us followed by a horrible death.
As with many things in life we have choices which may be difficult to deal with at first but will lead to a person that’s comfortable in their own skin. That might be getting into and following the AA program along with participating with these forums.
As I was told in the beginning while going to meetings “ Your misery is refunded if you decide you don’t like what we offer.” Unfortunately too many are not with us today because they chose their way to do battle with alcohol which is powerful, baffling and cunning.
As a first step most of us needed to get honest with our self about our drinking and accept the fact we cannot drink in safety.
I know it’s a post we don’t like but far too many die from this disease than necessary world wide. If someone said it’s in the millionS I would not have any doubts at all.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
Why you drink is beside the point right now. The important thing is action. Not just inaction, not just stopping the drink, but taking action to build a plan, to start new habits, to fill the time that is consumed by alcohol. There will be time to figure out what's behind it later, when your mind is clear. It starts today, right?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: The Sooner State
Posts: 1,725
Welcome!
Go to another place in your mind. Imagine waking up, fully rested, happy and eager for the day. You can have that. The days of waking up sick, in a fog, looking like hell and in a panic grabbing your phone to read your own damage can be over.
I had that cycle for years. Foolishly I always thought i could have my cake and eat it to. Cant happen, to much damage. We are wrecking balls when we drink. My cycle was get numb, get dumb, immense guilt, then I would drink to comfort myself. Sounds pretty stupid all written out. Thats shame I have to live with.
You can stop today. I promise you will never look back and say "I wish I would have kept drinking"
All my best to you and your family! I know you can do it!
Go to another place in your mind. Imagine waking up, fully rested, happy and eager for the day. You can have that. The days of waking up sick, in a fog, looking like hell and in a panic grabbing your phone to read your own damage can be over.
I had that cycle for years. Foolishly I always thought i could have my cake and eat it to. Cant happen, to much damage. We are wrecking balls when we drink. My cycle was get numb, get dumb, immense guilt, then I would drink to comfort myself. Sounds pretty stupid all written out. Thats shame I have to live with.
You can stop today. I promise you will never look back and say "I wish I would have kept drinking"
All my best to you and your family! I know you can do it!
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome rric 
I'm glad you feel so sick and tired that you want to stop.
Read around the posts and the info on recovery programs here. You'll find a lot of similar stories to your own experience.
Glad you found us, stick around.
I'm glad you feel so sick and tired that you want to stop.
Read around the posts and the info on recovery programs here. You'll find a lot of similar stories to your own experience.
Glad you found us, stick around.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
