Raj22

Back in January I met a guy online who was and still is going through an ugly divorce. I knew better than to date a guy in that phase - but I was unemployed at the time and low. He kept pursuing me and convincing me that he was over his ex. I gave in and spoke to him on the phone a few times and finally met him out. I suspected he was an alcoholic due to the amount he drank on our first date (doubles of patron and a beer - about 4 times). I ignored the signs because he was so successful at work - managed a company and made a lot of money.

Each time we were together - it revolved around drinking - and about a2 months into it I saw him texting a call girl. It didn't make any sense to me because I was giving him everything he needed. I ended it with him but within 3 months I missed him and called him up. We were back together for several months and even took two trips together. Suddenly at the end of the summer he told me he went to his doctor and he was severely dehydrated, needed all kinds of tests and they recommended at the vert least an intense 15 day outpatient therapy program. He basically told me he needed to be alone until the tests were done but I never heard back from him. This is a guy who told me he loved me and was going to marry me one day. 2 months went by and I reached out - thinking he would be sin recovery but when I saw him he lost more weight and was very drunk. In addition, he is now dating a new girl because she lives out of state and he can't really "be" with anyone. He then told me he loves me and promises one day he will get better. I'm totally worried about him but not sure if I should cut my losses and run away or be there to support him. He hasn't reached out since we saw each other - so I have done nothing but be confused. I need help understanding why he left if he says he loves me.

Thepatman

Unless he really wants sobriety and willing to put all his soul into recovery, he will constantly roller coaster. Recovery is possible, many are doing it on SR.

But you might want to look the other way and walk out on the relationship.
It will most likely save you a lot of pain.

Now I know it will hurt you, but on the long run it's probably for your best interests. Good luck

SoberLife90

Save yourself a lot of time and energy and get the F out of that relationship. There are plenty of fish in the sea...this man has problems of his own that he needs to fix. So what if he does get sober and you do date him and then 6 months later he decides to start drinking again. This could be an on going roller coaster of things that you don't need. Save yourself the time and emotions and just don't date an addict!

Soberwolf

Hi, Welcome to the forumm and to SR

I would say cut your losses and walk the other way

you can post additionally here on friends & family Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Nice to meet you btw

Raj22

Thanks for the response. He's actually the one running away from me - telling me I'm too good for him and he can't give me what I deserve - likely because I asked him to get help. Guess it's time I listen to him and move on.

OklaBH

If he is running from you...send him a thank you card. Active alcoholics bring alot of drama and will drag you with them. Trust me, I am one. He needs to be way into sobriety and divorced before considering any relationship.

Jsbodhi

Oh stay away!!! I threw my drink in my boyfriends face and verbally abused him for hours during a blackout! You don't need sh1t like that

Raj22

That's what he says to me (about the divorce and drinking) so yes, you are right - I should send him a thank you card. Maybe this is his way of not being selfish...

sugarbear1

I'd have no contact with this guy since you keep getting manipulated back in and his saying that you are too good for him is just him playing a sympathy card....

stay away and maybe read Codependent No More.

Jsbodhi

And I don't think this is his way of being unselfish, it's his way of drinking in peace so you don't bother him or get in the way with your concern.
This might sound harsh, but that's what I have done.

Raj22

Good point. Didn't look at it that way but yes, now he can drink in peace without me telling him he's had enough.

neferkamichael

Raj22, please do yourself a favor and move on, rooting for ya.

LexieCat

He might have thought he loved you when he said that, but an active alcoholic, especially one who is deteriorating the way this one is, doesn't KNOW what he feels. You probably made him feel good so he "loved" you.

A couple other things. There is nothing you can do to "support" someone who doesn't want to be sober. And even if he DID want to be sober, there isn't much to do. The hard work is something the alcoholic has to do, and nobody else can do it for him.

Oh, and the new "girlfriend" (if she exists) probably has no idea what a total mess he is--especially if she lives out of state.

There is nothing this relationship promises for YOU but a lot of drama, heartbreak, and misery.

Ptcapote

Hi Raj22, welcome to SR! I'm glad you're here although I am sorry for the situation that brought you here.

I think you got some awesome advice above, particularly from SugarBear and LexieCat. I have been on both sides of the equation (I am an alcoholic and I've been in love with a few) and it promises nothing but drama, and not the good kind. You have to remember that no matter what (NO MATTER WHAT) he might say to the contrary, priority number one is the drink, not you. He may not actively know that but, believe me, it's true. I never set out to intentionally F with anyone when I was drinking, but I came first. Or my ability to drink as much as I wanted and as often as I wanted came first. If you got in the way of that too much? Well, I'd do exactly what your boyfriend has done to you. I'd suggest "space." Or that I needed to work on myself, or...whatever. Just don't come between me and my wine bottle.

Alcoholics are also extremely good at manipulating your emotions. They use that in order to survive...until it doesn't work anymore. But they are excellent at getting you to feel sorry for them and then dragging you right back into the muck. Trust me, I just got out of a relationship with a (sober) alcoholic who, despite me being an alcoholic, managed to drag me back multiple times even though I *knew* better. It never changed, it only got worse.

Believe what everyone is saying here and cut and run. I know it hurts now but you are sparing yourself A TON (!!!) of hurt later on.

Welcome again and please keep posting!

Ruby2

Run away. Close the door, and only look back to make sure the door is shut and locked behind you. Although the alcohol is certainly a gigantic red flag, all his other actions say this guy just isn't right for you. I've met and dated guys like this who weren't alcoholics. This isn't just a trait exclusive to alcoholics. Men (or women) who rush in, shower you with everything, tell you they love you or are falling for you, and then just as suddenly slam on the brakes and back the heck away saying that it's not you, it's them. That's a bunch of garbage. It is you but not in the sense that you've done anything wrong at all. Or that you are repulsive. They can't commit to anyone.

What struck me in what you said is that you had lost your job and were in a low spot. Sometimes we are at our most vulnerable at that time and people like this guy sense it. They play with it. Take care of yourself. To have a healthy relationship with someone who is capable of giving you have to be in a. Healthier place yourself.

Don't sit around wondering whether he needs your support. He doesn't. It doesn't sound like he wants to quit drinking or wants help. Help yourself. Don't call him. Just help yourself. I made myself miserable for months when this happened to me. I just wanted to know why. Why, why, why?! Sometimes you will never know why. That stinks but rather than dwell on it, you have to accept it.

Good luck to you. It hurts beyond belief sometimes but this guy just honestly doesn't deserve you.

SoberD

Absolutely leave it alone...shamefully, I sounds eerily similar to my own manipulative behavior while in that sick depraved state of mind

Ruby2

And just a short note. There are some truly icky people in this world, sober or not. He may be one of them.

Raj22

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I was going to reach out to him nut instead I joined this site and it is comforting to hear that so many others understand (many of my friends don't and just give me the "he's not into you" speech. I think I finally get that it's not about anything I did wrong - and it's about his issues. I've been a fixer my whole life but I'm realizing that trying to fix someone else will never work.