You won't be surprised... I'm not.
Just a Girl Trying to Make It...
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 207
My sister passed away last year, her birthday falls on Thanksgiving some years and it did the last year of her life as we had her here in my home on hospice knowing cancer was bringing the end soon. I really spiraled after her passing, and I completely understand. That being said, you have to get up, you have to get help and you have to fight. There is no point in letting life pass you by anymore, we are not promised any day in this life, and we need to be present and thankful in those days for those who no longer have that luxury. You can continue to grieve, yet continue to live at the same time and heal. I promise you, laughs of memories soon will outweigh the tears. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Pam...I tell you this...
...with love. We are placed on this earth, each and everyone of us, with a mission to fulfill. Your sister's mission was fulfilled and well done but please remember this.
We Live...we love...we laugh...we cry and then...we die. It happens to each and everyone of us. ALL of us...and there is no changing it...BUT...Accepting this helps us bare the pain of coming to terms with that which we fight so much against.
I beg of you, wish your Sister to rest in Peace... so you may live in peace.
Go forward from here and find your true self and you will both rejoice.
Pam...Let Go.
Dave
We Live...we love...we laugh...we cry and then...we die. It happens to each and everyone of us. ALL of us...and there is no changing it...BUT...Accepting this helps us bare the pain of coming to terms with that which we fight so much against.
I beg of you, wish your Sister to rest in Peace... so you may live in peace.
Go forward from here and find your true self and you will both rejoice.
Pam...Let Go.
Dave
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Pam, look to your past to see where your future is going.
If you keep drinking, you know your depression is going to get deeper, even more painful, and your going to increase the drinking to try and wipe out the ever deepening depression brought on by drinking.
I sympathize with the loss of your sister. The only way to truly get through the pain is to do so sober. Better to obsess on finding the counsel that can get you through this tragedy intact. Trying to drink it away will only take you away. And not to a good place.
Love
If you keep drinking, you know your depression is going to get deeper, even more painful, and your going to increase the drinking to try and wipe out the ever deepening depression brought on by drinking.
I sympathize with the loss of your sister. The only way to truly get through the pain is to do so sober. Better to obsess on finding the counsel that can get you through this tragedy intact. Trying to drink it away will only take you away. And not to a good place.
Love
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Well I guess you've got to do what you think you've got to do Raider. I just wonder, is drinking helping you to deal with your pain? Is it making the situation more bearable? It is such a risk that you are taking...you know that it's like playing with fire...eventually it will burn. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Raider,
i'd say we all get that you don't want to deal with this. nobody would want to.
but, in fact, you can't escape the dealing-with-it. just that there are more and less destructive as well as more and less healing ways.
right now you're dealing by drinking.
which gives you one more thing to deal with.
something terrible happened to your sister. and your parents. and to you.
but just because this happened to you does not mean you're a victim with no choices.
grief counselling has been suggested by many for quite a while and seems like it would be a logical place to start with the overwhelm you seem to be in.
it sounds like you're treading water, Raider, and not getting a foothold to start climbing out.
things like grief counselling are ropes to grab while figuring out how to get back to safer ground.
but you have to do the grabbing.
i'd say we all get that you don't want to deal with this. nobody would want to.
but, in fact, you can't escape the dealing-with-it. just that there are more and less destructive as well as more and less healing ways.
right now you're dealing by drinking.
which gives you one more thing to deal with.
something terrible happened to your sister. and your parents. and to you.
but just because this happened to you does not mean you're a victim with no choices.
grief counselling has been suggested by many for quite a while and seems like it would be a logical place to start with the overwhelm you seem to be in.
it sounds like you're treading water, Raider, and not getting a foothold to start climbing out.
things like grief counselling are ropes to grab while figuring out how to get back to safer ground.
but you have to do the grabbing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by Raider 
Yes. Relaspe. I went from not thinking about it to BAM doing it. I've had two a night for the past week. I've been in this exact spot a few times. I know if I do not drink tonight, I'll have night sweats for the next two weeks. Since both you and I are seasoned SR folks, I'll spare the bs about the small quantity of liquor that is.
Pam, like others, I extend my sincere sympathy to you over the sad and unexpected loss of your sister. Lots of good advice here to seek grief counseling, as there has been for a while now. Are you ready to act upon it? Because the way you've been dealing with it is to not deal with it -- and worse.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
The only thing that surprises me, Pam, is that you're able to hold things together at all on your own. None of us is built to suffer this kind of pain and loss on our own.
This is not the time for an heroic solution on your own, with or without alcohol. Putting off walking through your tears and your grief with someone who cares will eventually bring you to a much better place. I've been there. But that person can't do it without you.
This is not the time for an heroic solution on your own, with or without alcohol. Putting off walking through your tears and your grief with someone who cares will eventually bring you to a much better place. I've been there. But that person can't do it without you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Raider, I'm sorry for your sisters death. I can't imagine. I don't really even want to imagine the sorrow. But you can't keep drinking unless you deeply just don't care a flying eff what happens to you. Someone on one of the threads posted that alcohol to them was an anesthesia. It is. But once the anesthesia wears off you still have to heal. And you are putting that off.
Are you willing to take suggestions from people who post in response to your threads? Really. Are you willing? I see an awful lot of people who care deeply for you giving their utmost support to you but you aren't taking their suggestions. You say you've been in this exact spot a few times but do you honestly like that same spot? If you don't like it, move. Getting out of this is going to take action. Sitting in the exact same spot is just going to leave a dent in the upholstery.
I may not understand what you are going through but a lot of people have been in your shoes and to a person they are all telling you the same thing. Grief counseling is what worked for them. Alcohol resoundingly did NOT work for them.
Bless you. I want you to heal.
Are you willing to take suggestions from people who post in response to your threads? Really. Are you willing? I see an awful lot of people who care deeply for you giving their utmost support to you but you aren't taking their suggestions. You say you've been in this exact spot a few times but do you honestly like that same spot? If you don't like it, move. Getting out of this is going to take action. Sitting in the exact same spot is just going to leave a dent in the upholstery.
I may not understand what you are going through but a lot of people have been in your shoes and to a person they are all telling you the same thing. Grief counseling is what worked for them. Alcohol resoundingly did NOT work for them.
Bless you. I want you to heal.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 550
Raider, I'm so sorry to hear your heart is hurting. I went through the same thing when my ex was murdered. It was unexpected and so so hard.
I took 10 weeks off work, thought the killer might want to hurt me and our daughter and I almost lost my mind with fear we were next. I developed a lot of Codie skills in that time, worrying about my only child and only wanting her to know I love her, no matter her choices.
Eventually 1 1/2 years later the killer was caught and I feel pretty confident the murder happened over an argument that happened that night, and he wasn't targeting me and our daughter next.
Now, 2 1/2 years later I look back at my state of mind at the time and I wish I would have been more gentle on me. I was the one hurting. I kept myself frozen in pain and around people who offered me comfort.
I'm forever grateful, and I was eventually pushed back into work. Getting out what became my everyday life of grieving did me a world of good. I got back into everyday life and a normal routine.
I'm hoping you can get a break from the grieving. We all need time to have our feelings. Life is so precious. The continuous cycle of grief wears us down as well.
Sweetie, do something for yourself to take you out of that cycle. I'm willing to bet Debbie would want you to love her, cherish the memories and be happy.
I took 10 weeks off work, thought the killer might want to hurt me and our daughter and I almost lost my mind with fear we were next. I developed a lot of Codie skills in that time, worrying about my only child and only wanting her to know I love her, no matter her choices.
Eventually 1 1/2 years later the killer was caught and I feel pretty confident the murder happened over an argument that happened that night, and he wasn't targeting me and our daughter next.
Now, 2 1/2 years later I look back at my state of mind at the time and I wish I would have been more gentle on me. I was the one hurting. I kept myself frozen in pain and around people who offered me comfort.
I'm forever grateful, and I was eventually pushed back into work. Getting out what became my everyday life of grieving did me a world of good. I got back into everyday life and a normal routine.
I'm hoping you can get a break from the grieving. We all need time to have our feelings. Life is so precious. The continuous cycle of grief wears us down as well.
Sweetie, do something for yourself to take you out of that cycle. I'm willing to bet Debbie would want you to love her, cherish the memories and be happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi Pam, I'm glad you're back and that you're stopping drinking. You have to find a way to deal with your sister's passing without drinking. She would want you to be sober and have a good life. As others have suggested, grief counselling could be helpful, and maybe you could find a way to celebrate your sister's life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Raider,
I know you're hurting. grief is so much sharper and so much more hurt than can be imagined until its experienced. I know, I had two very significant losses in one year. Climbing into the bottle made it all that much worse. I didn't grieve, I just poured kerosene on the searing pain.
first, I had to get sober, really sober and just not Not Drinking. It was hard to figure out where the line between honest grieving and self pity was. It was so tangled! so blurry!
I had to recognize I was in pain but I was causing Pain with my selfish grief. And fueling the depression and self pity with the alcohol.
Grieving is hard work. It takes its own pace. Most times we need help navigating it. again, another tangle. shock, anger, guilt, pain, sadness. Searing.
You will need to reach down and find the strength to not die and not cause any more pain to those who are grieving with you. I needed to check into Inoatient Rehab. I needed the safe place to be for 30 days while I figured out the tangles. I also needed Bereavment Counseling. It's a very specific counseling. It's not long term, mine was six sessions.
Please do this. I know you're capable of Joy. I've seen that in your posts from before. I know you're capable of Joy again, even if you can't believe that just now.
Love from Lenina
I know you're hurting. grief is so much sharper and so much more hurt than can be imagined until its experienced. I know, I had two very significant losses in one year. Climbing into the bottle made it all that much worse. I didn't grieve, I just poured kerosene on the searing pain.
first, I had to get sober, really sober and just not Not Drinking. It was hard to figure out where the line between honest grieving and self pity was. It was so tangled! so blurry!
I had to recognize I was in pain but I was causing Pain with my selfish grief. And fueling the depression and self pity with the alcohol.
Grieving is hard work. It takes its own pace. Most times we need help navigating it. again, another tangle. shock, anger, guilt, pain, sadness. Searing.
You will need to reach down and find the strength to not die and not cause any more pain to those who are grieving with you. I needed to check into Inoatient Rehab. I needed the safe place to be for 30 days while I figured out the tangles. I also needed Bereavment Counseling. It's a very specific counseling. It's not long term, mine was six sessions.
Please do this. I know you're capable of Joy. I've seen that in your posts from before. I know you're capable of Joy again, even if you can't believe that just now.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Drinking won't help but just delay the healing process.
I know from my mom's death how you think it will help but it won't
The only things that helped me get over it in the end was stopping drinking and seeing a grief therapist for a little while.
That actually helped where the booze certainly hurt.
You haven't been responding to people's suggestion you get some help, and it
is of course your choice to listen to your AV voice instead and drink, but as you see
it isn't really making things easier past the black out at night, is it?
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through but it is time to try something else
besides the bottle. I don't think your sister would want you to respond to her death by a downwards spiral of your own, would she?
I know from my mom's death how you think it will help but it won't
The only things that helped me get over it in the end was stopping drinking and seeing a grief therapist for a little while.
That actually helped where the booze certainly hurt.
You haven't been responding to people's suggestion you get some help, and it
is of course your choice to listen to your AV voice instead and drink, but as you see
it isn't really making things easier past the black out at night, is it?
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through but it is time to try something else
besides the bottle. I don't think your sister would want you to respond to her death by a downwards spiral of your own, would she?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Pam. I don't have any insight or suggestion that wasn't already mentioned here, or personal experience with the kind of debilitating grief you are going through... just wanted to show some love. I do know, though, how it is to be severely depressed, drink through it, and not seek professional help... I did this once and would never want to repeat the experience.
Please talk to someone... I believe you would just need to start the process somewhere and there would be different options offered to you.
You are in my thoughts.
Please talk to someone... I believe you would just need to start the process somewhere and there would be different options offered to you.
You are in my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
well the choice is yours pam, you can carry on drinking if you think it will help you with the pain or not
all i know is when my son died and i had to live and still do have to live with all the visions of it all
my baby begging not to die will live on in me all the time, but i have to try to not dwel on it and move on to other things or if the pain is to much i go to bed and try to sleep past the pain and hope i wake up the next day feeling better
i go to aa meetings and i find people who are strugling with trying to not pick up that first drink and i will keep them company as it helps me forget about my own pain
i have to push on this as i dont have anyone else other than my kids and i am there dad so i have to also be there for them
i dont know how i manage to cope but i just push on each day taking just one day at a time
i have to stop feeling sorry for myself as this world is still turning and moving on life is still going on as much as i wish it would stop as my life has stopped
i am 2 years on from it all and its a bit easier today than it was when it first happend
but whatever happens in my life i can not pick up that first drink it will not help me at all and it will destroy my other kids as they have no one else other than me to lean on and i would destroy them if i go back
so the number 1 thing i have to do is not pick up that first drink, go to bed and sleep if its too much
i spent months in bed not going out anywhere other than locked up in my own pain, my sponsor never left my side in terms of he was always there for me everyday via the phone keeping a watchful eye on me
we would go off to meetings at times and other times i would just stay shut in, i had to do everything at my own pace
today i will be out to a meeting tonight as i know just how much good it will make me feel, if there is a new comer there tonight i will spend time with them as they really have no idea how much they help me cope with my own life at this moment in time
but whatever is happening or however i am feeling i still do not pick up that first drink
that has to be the number 1 thing in my life. i dare not drink again as i could end up killing someone if i got drunk or anything bad could happen
you believe in a god pam so pray for the strength do whatever it takes but at the end of the day its you who will either take a drink or not drink,
we can not let deaths be any sort of excuse or reason to drink. its sad, its how life is sadly, people are dying everyday, kids are dying everyday, and people have to cope with it all and they dont run off for a drink
we have to man up and be there for others as its the only escape for me anyway, i know its early days for you pam, and i certainly didnt go around aa trying to help others from day one, it took me over a year of being on my own mostly just doing the things to run the home for my kids and then going back to bed before i found the courage to start to get out more and help again
so there are a few thoughts for you i dont mean to be hard on you but i hope you can see we have to be hard on ourselves at these times otheriwise we will drink again and who knows what that drink will lead on to next ?
drink drive end up in prison and still grieving anything can happen in my drink hence i can not take that risk
sorry its a long post i just end up babbling on like i do
good luck to you pam and a huge hug to you
i thank you for your kind pm messages you used to send me you have a good heart and i only wish there was magic solution for you over this but there isnt one
all i know is when my son died and i had to live and still do have to live with all the visions of it all
my baby begging not to die will live on in me all the time, but i have to try to not dwel on it and move on to other things or if the pain is to much i go to bed and try to sleep past the pain and hope i wake up the next day feeling better
i go to aa meetings and i find people who are strugling with trying to not pick up that first drink and i will keep them company as it helps me forget about my own pain
i have to push on this as i dont have anyone else other than my kids and i am there dad so i have to also be there for them
i dont know how i manage to cope but i just push on each day taking just one day at a time
i have to stop feeling sorry for myself as this world is still turning and moving on life is still going on as much as i wish it would stop as my life has stopped
i am 2 years on from it all and its a bit easier today than it was when it first happend
but whatever happens in my life i can not pick up that first drink it will not help me at all and it will destroy my other kids as they have no one else other than me to lean on and i would destroy them if i go back
so the number 1 thing i have to do is not pick up that first drink, go to bed and sleep if its too much
i spent months in bed not going out anywhere other than locked up in my own pain, my sponsor never left my side in terms of he was always there for me everyday via the phone keeping a watchful eye on me
we would go off to meetings at times and other times i would just stay shut in, i had to do everything at my own pace
today i will be out to a meeting tonight as i know just how much good it will make me feel, if there is a new comer there tonight i will spend time with them as they really have no idea how much they help me cope with my own life at this moment in time
but whatever is happening or however i am feeling i still do not pick up that first drink
that has to be the number 1 thing in my life. i dare not drink again as i could end up killing someone if i got drunk or anything bad could happen
you believe in a god pam so pray for the strength do whatever it takes but at the end of the day its you who will either take a drink or not drink,
we can not let deaths be any sort of excuse or reason to drink. its sad, its how life is sadly, people are dying everyday, kids are dying everyday, and people have to cope with it all and they dont run off for a drink
we have to man up and be there for others as its the only escape for me anyway, i know its early days for you pam, and i certainly didnt go around aa trying to help others from day one, it took me over a year of being on my own mostly just doing the things to run the home for my kids and then going back to bed before i found the courage to start to get out more and help again
so there are a few thoughts for you i dont mean to be hard on you but i hope you can see we have to be hard on ourselves at these times otheriwise we will drink again and who knows what that drink will lead on to next ?
drink drive end up in prison and still grieving anything can happen in my drink hence i can not take that risk
sorry its a long post i just end up babbling on like i do
good luck to you pam and a huge hug to you
i thank you for your kind pm messages you used to send me you have a good heart and i only wish there was magic solution for you over this but there isnt one
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by desypete
well the choice is yours pam, you can carry on drinking if you think it will help you with the pain or not all i know is when my son died and i had to live and still do have to live with all the visions of it all my baby begging not to die will live on in me all the time, but i have to try to not dwel on it and move on to other things or if the pain is to much i go to bed and try to sleep past the pain and hope i wake up the next day feeling better i go to aa meetings and i find people who are strugling with trying to not pick up that first drink and i will keep them company as it helps me forget about my own pain i have to push on this as i dont have anyone else other than my kids and i am there dad so i have to also be there for them i dont know how i manage to cope but i just push on each day taking just one day at a time i have to stop feeling sorry for myself as this world is still turning and moving on life is still going on as much as i wish it would stop as my life has stopped i am 2 years on from it all and its a bit easier today than it was when it first happend but whatever happens in my life i can not pick up that first drink it will not help me at all and it will destroy my other kids as they have no one else other than me to lean on and i would destroy them if i go back so the number 1 thing i have to do is not pick up that first drink, go to bed and sleep if its too much i spent months in bed not going out anywhere other than locked up in my own pain, my sponsor never left my side in terms of he was always there for me everyday via the phone keeping a watchful eye on me we would go off to meetings at times and other times i would just stay shut in, i had to do everything at my own pace today i will be out to a meeting tonight as i know just how much good it will make me feel, if there is a new comer there tonight i will spend time with them as they really have no idea how much they help me cope with my own life at this moment in time but whatever is happening or however i am feeling i still do not pick up that first drink that has to be the number 1 thing in my life. i dare not drink again as i could end up killing someone if i got drunk or anything bad could happen you believe in a god pam so pray for the strength do whatever it takes but at the end of the day its you who will either take a drink or not drink, we can not let deaths be any sort of excuse or reason to drink. its sad, its how life is sadly, people are dying everyday, kids are dying everyday, and people have to cope with it all and they dont run off for a drink we have to man up and be there for others as its the only escape for me anyway, i know its early days for you pam, and i certainly didnt go around aa trying to help others from day one, it took me over a year of being on my own mostly just doing the things to run the home for my kids and then going back to bed before i found the courage to start to get out more and help again so there are a few thoughts for you i dont mean to be hard on you but i hope you can see we have to be hard on ourselves at these times otheriwise we will drink again and who knows what that drink will lead on to next ? drink drive end up in prison and still grieving anything can happen in my drink hence i can not take that risk sorry its a long post i just end up babbling on like i do good luck to you pam and a huge hug to you i thank you for your kind pm messages you used to send me you have a good heart and i only wish there was magic solution for you over this but there isnt one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
I know the choice is mine. I don't have the responsibility some of you have. You know I am a seasoned vet of the SR family. You know I know most of the motivation behind your replies. I have used them on new comers myself. I'm just sick of my self don't feel bad about me. You cannot help me unless I want you to. I don't know what I want. I don't even know what I need. Just don't bother yourself with frustration. I will tell you what I need when I know it. I love ya bunches.
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