Back again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Back again...
I'm not sure why I keep coming here. Maybe it's because it's a place I can vent, say things I can't say to my friends.
The sad truth is I don't even like drinking that much. With the exception of nights out at bars, I don't like how it makes me feel. I have no idea why I drink at home. Boredom I guess. And even the fun nights I have out at bars are met with a horrible hangover the next morning, lots of times with someone I don't want in the bed next to me.
I wish I could tell my friends these things, but more so, I wish I had friends who could hear these things.
I told one friend about my struggles. He was supportive for a while and pushed me to go for a week sober. It helped but it didn't last. I don't fault him. This isn't his fight and it's not something he understands. He's also someone who regularly goes out to bars. I swear, being a gay man sets you up for alcoholism and it sucks.
Still, I'm not blaming anyone but myself for my actions. I made myself an alcoholic, not the gay community. But I watch my sister, predisposed to the same behavior and just as much of a party animal as me, raising a kid and kicking the bottle for the sake of her child and it makes me wish I could have done the same when I was her age, way back when. And of course, that makes me want to drink and forget the fact that I'll never have that kind of family.
I don't know if I have a point in this rambling post. I just know this is a safe place for me to ramble. I guess I'm just hoping to find someone who understands, maybe even someone nearby. The internet is a great outlet, and I think it's great that we have sites like this. But as a product of the 80s and 90s, the two dimensionality of the internet only goes so far. And I'm too much of a chicken sh*t to walk into an AA meeting by myself.
The sad truth is I don't even like drinking that much. With the exception of nights out at bars, I don't like how it makes me feel. I have no idea why I drink at home. Boredom I guess. And even the fun nights I have out at bars are met with a horrible hangover the next morning, lots of times with someone I don't want in the bed next to me.
I wish I could tell my friends these things, but more so, I wish I had friends who could hear these things.
I told one friend about my struggles. He was supportive for a while and pushed me to go for a week sober. It helped but it didn't last. I don't fault him. This isn't his fight and it's not something he understands. He's also someone who regularly goes out to bars. I swear, being a gay man sets you up for alcoholism and it sucks.
Still, I'm not blaming anyone but myself for my actions. I made myself an alcoholic, not the gay community. But I watch my sister, predisposed to the same behavior and just as much of a party animal as me, raising a kid and kicking the bottle for the sake of her child and it makes me wish I could have done the same when I was her age, way back when. And of course, that makes me want to drink and forget the fact that I'll never have that kind of family.
I don't know if I have a point in this rambling post. I just know this is a safe place for me to ramble. I guess I'm just hoping to find someone who understands, maybe even someone nearby. The internet is a great outlet, and I think it's great that we have sites like this. But as a product of the 80s and 90s, the two dimensionality of the internet only goes so far. And I'm too much of a chicken sh*t to walk into an AA meeting by myself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi Philly
I'm not gay but I lived a party lifestyle - I may as well have said being a musician sets you up for alcoholism.
Of course it doesn't...I'm a sober musician now and I know many other sober musicians. For what it's worth I know many gay men and women through SR who are sober too.
The more years I drank the worse it got and the more I lost.
The longer you put off doing something about your problem, the harder it's going to be, Philly.
D
I'm not gay but I lived a party lifestyle - I may as well have said being a musician sets you up for alcoholism.
Of course it doesn't...I'm a sober musician now and I know many other sober musicians. For what it's worth I know many gay men and women through SR who are sober too.
The more years I drank the worse it got and the more I lost.
The longer you put off doing something about your problem, the harder it's going to be, Philly.
D
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
I live on an island. If I could not find an AA meeting I liked here, I would travel to the mainland to get to one.
There must be an LGBT AA meeting somewhere near you (Google finds 551,000 results for "gay AA Philadelphia").
There must be an LGBT AA meeting somewhere near you (Google finds 551,000 results for "gay AA Philadelphia").
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hey, Philly don't give up. As Coldfusion said, there must be LGBT meetings you can go to
I was scared at my first AA meeting, but walked in, and everyone made me welcome.
I'm a gigging musician, I spend a lot of time in pubs...I don't drink. A lot of my musician friends drink, a lot don't.
It doesn't matter who you are, what you do or where you go, you are not "set up" for alcoholism.
If the thought of never drinking again scares you, just concentrate on one day at a time.
I was scared at my first AA meeting, but walked in, and everyone made me welcome.
I'm a gigging musician, I spend a lot of time in pubs...I don't drink. A lot of my musician friends drink, a lot don't.
It doesn't matter who you are, what you do or where you go, you are not "set up" for alcoholism.
If the thought of never drinking again scares you, just concentrate on one day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by JanieJ 
Hey, Philly don't give up. As Coldfusion said, there must be LGBT meetings you can go to
I was scared at my first AA meeting, but walked in, and everyone made me welcome.
I'm a gigging musician, I spend a lot of time in pubs...I don't drink. A lot of my musician friends drink, a lot don't.
It doesn't matter who you are, what you do or where you go, you are not "set up" for alcoholism.
If the thought of never drinking again scares you, just concentrate on one day at a time.
I was scared at my first AA meeting, but walked in, and everyone made me welcome.
I'm a gigging musician, I spend a lot of time in pubs...I don't drink. A lot of my musician friends drink, a lot don't.
It doesn't matter who you are, what you do or where you go, you are not "set up" for alcoholism.
If the thought of never drinking again scares you, just concentrate on one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,171
Hi Philly
I'm gay and originally from Philly - in fact the family business was a bar.
Instead of a lost weekend, plan a sober weekend as a way to combat the boredom with a change of scenery and also as a way to go to a meeting with perhaps a little less fear. Hop the train to New York or Baltimore or DC and spend Saturday seeing the sights and going to meetings, then hop a train home on Sunday. Lots of great last-minute hotel deals at some really nice places on the travel discount sites.
My first AA meeting was when I was on a business trip to Boston. It helped being somewhere where people did not know me.
I'm gay and originally from Philly - in fact the family business was a bar.
Instead of a lost weekend, plan a sober weekend as a way to combat the boredom with a change of scenery and also as a way to go to a meeting with perhaps a little less fear. Hop the train to New York or Baltimore or DC and spend Saturday seeing the sights and going to meetings, then hop a train home on Sunday. Lots of great last-minute hotel deals at some really nice places on the travel discount sites.
My first AA meeting was when I was on a business trip to Boston. It helped being somewhere where people did not know me.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Hey Philly... Gay sober man here. Product of the 80's and 90's so we are probably around the same age. I love philly. But have no memories that don't include being drunk or high while roaming the bars there. The bike stop was only good with a buzz. Probably because the shallow conversation and cruising only go so far in real life. I needed to dull the ole senses to force the interaction.
It's tough to meet gay people outside of bars if all we are looking at is bars. But being in Maine now I wish I had the resources you have available to get out with people outside of bars.
Can I ask how are you more afraid to go to a gay AA meeting where people will be focused on not drinking and still be gay and have a common perspective than to go to a meat rack of a bar and make small talk with people that want nothing more than to get in your pants than in your mind?
You have the strength. You have the desire. Now execute on the plan. Get sober. If I can do it you can do it. Once you stop drinking and the longer you go from that last drink .... I can tell you life changes. At least mine did. I still reminisce about "the bars" but not sure I could ever go back to that.
Feel free to IM me if you choose. Ken here.
It's tough to meet gay people outside of bars if all we are looking at is bars. But being in Maine now I wish I had the resources you have available to get out with people outside of bars.
Can I ask how are you more afraid to go to a gay AA meeting where people will be focused on not drinking and still be gay and have a common perspective than to go to a meat rack of a bar and make small talk with people that want nothing more than to get in your pants than in your mind?
You have the strength. You have the desire. Now execute on the plan. Get sober. If I can do it you can do it. Once you stop drinking and the longer you go from that last drink .... I can tell you life changes. At least mine did. I still reminisce about "the bars" but not sure I could ever go back to that.
Feel free to IM me if you choose. Ken here.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
I struggled for years to get a foothold on the slippery slide- I think that's common. I'm now over 3 years sober and it is unbelievable that it can happen- and it does regularly to people on this site (and I am sure elsewhere as well).
I'm sure it could happen for you- it's not about giving up alcohol - it's about a commitment to the great (terrifying) adventure of living sober............(no matter what). I think most of us have to learn to live with ourselves in the process.
By the way the "terror" disappears rapidly along with the early withdrawal stuff-
it felt like I had walked out of a dungeon, dishevelled and blinking into the sunlight- and only then discovering the shackles that held me to the wall weren't locked and neither was the door
I'm sure it could happen for you- it's not about giving up alcohol - it's about a commitment to the great (terrifying) adventure of living sober............(no matter what). I think most of us have to learn to live with ourselves in the process.
By the way the "terror" disappears rapidly along with the early withdrawal stuff-
it felt like I had walked out of a dungeon, dishevelled and blinking into the sunlight- and only then discovering the shackles that held me to the wall weren't locked and neither was the door
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 313
Hey Philly,
I have just returned to the site again today after a break of a few months, so I just wanted to say hi as a fellow returnee!
No real advice to give as I'm a bit of a mess myself, but just wanted to show some solidarity.
I have just returned to the site again today after a break of a few months, so I just wanted to say hi as a fellow returnee!
No real advice to give as I'm a bit of a mess myself, but just wanted to show some solidarity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
I decided AA wasn't for me but I can say this-the first time I walked into an AA meeting I was terrified for no reason! I was met by very nice folks who all understood. It might be the right path for you. What's the worst that could happen?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Northlander
Hi Philly
I'm gay and originally from Philly - in fact the family business was a bar.
Instead of a lost weekend, plan a sober weekend as a way to combat the boredom with a change of scenery and also as a way to go to a meeting with perhaps a little less fear. Hop the train to New York or Baltimore or DC and spend Saturday seeing the sights and going to meetings, then hop a train home on Sunday. Lots of great last-minute hotel deals at some really nice places on the travel discount sites.
My first AA meeting was when I was on a business trip to Boston. It helped being somewhere where people did not know me.
I'm gay and originally from Philly - in fact the family business was a bar.
Instead of a lost weekend, plan a sober weekend as a way to combat the boredom with a change of scenery and also as a way to go to a meeting with perhaps a little less fear. Hop the train to New York or Baltimore or DC and spend Saturday seeing the sights and going to meetings, then hop a train home on Sunday. Lots of great last-minute hotel deals at some really nice places on the travel discount sites.
My first AA meeting was when I was on a business trip to Boston. It helped being somewhere where people did not know me.
Leaving town in general would probably also be good. I'm kind of looking forward to going back to VA for Christmas just because I generally don't drink. I guess because I kind of revert back to being a kid with my parents'.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by Weasel1966
Hey Philly... Gay sober man here. Product of the 80's and 90's so we are probably around the same age. I love philly. But have no memories that don't include being drunk or high while roaming the bars there. The bike stop was only good with a buzz. Probably because the shallow conversation and cruising only go so far in real life. I needed to dull the ole senses to force the interaction.
It's tough to meet gay people outside of bars if all we are looking at is bars. But being in Maine now I wish I had the resources you have available to get out with people outside of bars.
Can I ask how are you more afraid to go to a gay AA meeting where people will be focused on not drinking and still be gay and have a common perspective than to go to a meat rack of a bar and make small talk with people that want nothing more than to get in your pants than in your mind?
You have the strength. You have the desire. Now execute on the plan. Get sober. If I can do it you can do it. Once you stop drinking and the longer you go from that last drink .... I can tell you life changes. At least mine did. I still reminisce about "the bars" but not sure I could ever go back to that.
Feel free to IM me if you choose. Ken here.
It's tough to meet gay people outside of bars if all we are looking at is bars. But being in Maine now I wish I had the resources you have available to get out with people outside of bars.
Can I ask how are you more afraid to go to a gay AA meeting where people will be focused on not drinking and still be gay and have a common perspective than to go to a meat rack of a bar and make small talk with people that want nothing more than to get in your pants than in your mind?
You have the strength. You have the desire. Now execute on the plan. Get sober. If I can do it you can do it. Once you stop drinking and the longer you go from that last drink .... I can tell you life changes. At least mine did. I still reminisce about "the bars" but not sure I could ever go back to that.
Feel free to IM me if you choose. Ken here.
I'm sure there are less resources in Maine and that does suck. But honestly, considering I'm looking for a job, I've actually considered moving to a smaller town, somewhere with less temptation. I'm not necessarily more comfortable at a bar than potentially at an AA meeting. It's just where my friends are, and I do enjoy the conversations we have.
The line I bolded above is awesome and it's kind of how I've been thinking about it. The Transtheoretical Model of behavior change applies to a multitude of things and is defined in steps: Precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, etc. I guess I'm at the preparation stage.
It's rough though. I really value friendship in general. Without putting myself on the couch, I have a hard time letting go of people even if they're "toxic." The biggest thing I'm afraid of is loneliness. I'm not trying to sound pathetic - nor am I pathetic - but it's an obstacle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by instant
I struggled for years to get a foothold on the slippery slide- I think that's common. I'm now over 3 years sober and it is unbelievable that it can happen- and it does regularly to people on this site (and I am sure elsewhere as well).
I'm sure it could happen for you- it's not about giving up alcohol - it's about a commitment to the great (terrifying) adventure of living sober............(no matter what). I think most of us have to learn to live with ourselves in the process.
By the way the "terror" disappears rapidly along with the early withdrawal stuff-
it felt like I had walked out of a dungeon, dishevelled and blinking into the sunlight- and only then discovering the shackles that held me to the wall weren't locked and neither was the door
I'm sure it could happen for you- it's not about giving up alcohol - it's about a commitment to the great (terrifying) adventure of living sober............(no matter what). I think most of us have to learn to live with ourselves in the process.
By the way the "terror" disappears rapidly along with the early withdrawal stuff-
it felt like I had walked out of a dungeon, dishevelled and blinking into the sunlight- and only then discovering the shackles that held me to the wall weren't locked and neither was the door
On my good days I think about sobriety like an experiment or an adventure. I'd love to think like that more often, ultimately as a way of life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by awholenewlife52
Hey Philly,
I have just returned to the site again today after a break of a few months, so I just wanted to say hi as a fellow returnee!
No real advice to give as I'm a bit of a mess myself, but just wanted to show some solidarity.
I have just returned to the site again today after a break of a few months, so I just wanted to say hi as a fellow returnee!
No real advice to give as I'm a bit of a mess myself, but just wanted to show some solidarity.
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