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Feel like a fraud

Old 11-26-2014, 03:50 AM
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Feel like a fraud

Forgot my password, so haven't posted since my initial foray back in October.

But, and please don't take this as judgemental, at times I feel my relationship is perhaps not as bad as some on here. I've never woke to feel immediately I must have a drink, I can cope fairly well driving to a bar, having one with a meal and driving home.

I recently had a conversation with a guy in a bar who was ordering pint along with a double vodka chaser. Finishing it quickly then ordering another immediately.

He was only mid 20's but looked 20 years older. I could feel him watching me eat, when eventually he asked if I was enjoying my meal.

He then told me how he couldn't take food. It made him sick and how, as an alcoholic, he knew he was going to die, but couldn't stop drinking.

I found this unbelievable that as a young guy, just out of a recent stay in hospital, he was addicted to the pointbthst even death wasn't a big enough negative to stop drinking.

I've ended many relationships due to my preference to drink solo over a weekend; I've lost jobs, even my licence through alcohol (many years ago). And I can count on one hand the amount if weekends I can remember being sober in the last 30 years.

The conclusion I have is that, whilst alcohol affects me differently from the average person that can take it or leave it, I feel it's more a selfish choice than an addicts need.

Still, been 6 days without a drink and really just enjoying the health benefits and clarity of thought associated.

I can see why this site is so important to so many.
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Old 11-26-2014, 03:58 AM
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Hello:

1. Never compare your alcoholism to others. It's counterproductive.

2. You got here for a reason, there must be something making you question your relationship with alcohol.

I hear AV all over your post... Not remembering most weekends in the last 30 years isn't normal in my opinion. I never woke up needing a drink, I was never "physically addicted". I could have weeks were I didn't touch the stuff but most times I did it was on. Alcoholics are people, different and unique.

This place is full of knowledge. I hope it serves your needs.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:17 AM
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Well, let me put it like this.....I didn't wake up either and have a drink, I could quite easily go to a bar and have none or one drink and leave. I have never lost a job or a friend purely because of drinking and I have not lost a relationship because of drinking.

I also have had an extremely heavy alcohol abuse problem for 25 years. And you almost certainly do too. Just my opinion to counterbalance your AV. Clearly you will decide for yourself.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:26 AM
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I've lost nothing but my dignity and self respect, half of many weekends to a headache and fuzzy brain, and most evenings to a mild fog. That's enough for me to say no more.
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:31 AM
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Both points above are absolutely spot on.

Perhaps my post was badly worded, it's just I believe the word alcoholic is so short for such a diverse condition.

I don't have a physical addiction, I don't suffer withdrawal, but I absolutely do believe I have a disfunctional relationship with alcohol.

And I reiterate, this forum has worked, so far, for me with its considered advice and also it's ability to make sure a poster disnae get too big fir their boots.

Wee bit a Scottish vernacular fir ye's!!
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:38 AM
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Nothing wrong with being selfish sometimes. Especially when it comes to your wellbeing.
Have a happy and sober Thanksgiving!
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:39 AM
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Scottishbhoy View Post

I've ended many relationships due to my preference to drink solo over a weekend; I've lost jobs, even my licence through alcohol (many years ago). And I can count on one hand the amount if weekends I can remember being sober in the last 30 years.

The conclusion I have is that, whilst alcohol affects me differently from the average person that can take it or leave it
To be honest it doesn't sound like it's working that great for you. If, as you say "you can take it or leave it", this may be a great time in which to leave it alone. For many heavy drinkers get to the point in time where they no longer have that choice.

Maybe a test of the (self-will) is in order ?
Can you stay sober for a week ?
Or a month ?

MM
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:45 AM
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it amazes me the differences between people and what they consider a problem with drinking is

i don't id with anyone so far with there drinking in this thread and if i am honest if i didnt do bad things in drink i would still be drinking today
but for me drink is like a change comes over me and i turn into a raving monster

not all the time as i there were good nights in fact a good night for me was waking up the next day and remembering that i did nothing wrong the night before

when i took a drink i got drunk, i never wanted to get drunk i wanted to drink a few and stop but i couldnt

i didnt know this was a problem other than i would end up drinking so much booze i was insanely drunk, hence i would do things or say things and ruin peoples nights or end up in a fight there was always dam trouble when i took a drink

hence people started to cut me out of there lives as who wants a nutter around you when everyone else just wants to have fun ?

i would be the life and soul of the party while drinking but then once i had to many well all bets were off as i would change and all sense goes right out of the window

my obession was to try to drink like a gentleman, like others could do

over the years it progressed to drinking daily and getting drunk daily as i couldnt live with myself anymore so had to hide myself in the drink

i lost everything in the world i loved or cared about, lost my business all my money, home, etc

so for me its clear i have a problem with drink hence i struggle to get id with people who can drink and go home and behave themselves ?

the term i use to describe myself is an alcoholic as there are lots of people like me out there

but thats just the drinking side of things,

i also had a huge living problem being sober, as i was so selfish and self centred, everything had to be my way or no way
even as a kid i wouldnt play games with the other kids unless they played it the way i wanted them to

i never grew up from being a child in my thinking or reactions
if someone upset me i would take it personal and deep and i would hate them forever always planing to get my own back etc

were as today people upset me and i let it go it just doesn't matter really although i will always still have my moments i will never be perfect

that was something else i was like to always out for perfection

so there is a lot more to me and being an alcoholic in my eyes than just the drinking

i am an alcoholic as i drank alcoholically which mean to me that when i pick up a drink it will start a craving off inside of me that is to strong for me to ever say no to or on the times i have said no i have hated it and always felt i was missing out i would rather have no drink than just have one as its not enough

then i suffer from the mental side of it all which i call my ism
the i, self, me, side of it that makes up the term alcoholism

in short i am a selfish bugger who has to learn how to not be that way each day i live on this planet
and if i can be that way in each day i find i have a good day with no problems or hang up
but if i let the selfishness in me take over well forget it
look out world desy will be on the war path trying to get everything to be ok for him spoiled little brat that i can be at times : )


this is were aa comes to my rescue and gives me a well aimed kick up my backside and i have had plenty of them over the years that i dont need as many these days as i start to learn and change and stop doing things that i would do and try other ways

so i hope you can see its a bigger picture than just drinking, i only went to aa to help me to stop drinking but i found much much more than that
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Old 11-26-2014, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Scottishbhoy View Post
Forgot my password, so haven't posted since my initial foray back in October.

But, and please don't take this as judgemental, at times I feel my relationship is perhaps not as bad as some on here. I've never woke to feel immediately I must have a drink, I can cope fairly well driving to a bar, having one with a meal and driving home.

I recently had a conversation with a guy in a bar who was ordering pint along with a double vodka chaser. Finishing it quickly then ordering another immediately.

He was only mid 20's but looked 20 years older. I could feel him watching me eat, when eventually he asked if I was enjoying my meal.

He then told me how he couldn't take food. It made him sick and how, as an alcoholic, he knew he was going to die, but couldn't stop drinking.

I found this unbelievable that as a young guy, just out of a recent stay in hospital, he was addicted to the pointbthst even death wasn't a big enough negative to stop drinking.

I've ended many relationships due to my preference to drink solo over a weekend; I've lost jobs, even my licence through alcohol (many years ago). And I can count on one hand the amount if weekends I can remember being sober in the last 30 years.

The conclusion I have is that, whilst alcohol affects me differently from the average person that can take it or leave it, I feel it's more a selfish choice than an addicts need.

Still, been 6 days without a drink and really just enjoying the health benefits and clarity of thought associated.

I can see why this site is so important to so many.
Hi Scottishbhoy, well done on day 6!

It took me a long time to admit that I was an alcoholic, I didnt want to be in that bracket because I thought my problem was binge drinking and blackouts, I've never lost my job through alcoholism nor did I ever suffer withdrawal. I simply enjoyed going out every weekend and getting P*ssed....nothing wrong with that!? Difference was my pals would all be hungover and suffering the next day and Id just start drinking again.

I had to take action when drinking became a problem for me. Relationships were affected, I felt guilt, was ashamed of who I was becoming. I used alcohol to mask having any real feelings.

If alcohol is causing problems in your life, its a problem.

Wishing you well.

L x
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Old 11-26-2014, 05:00 AM
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I agree with JimJim
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Old 11-26-2014, 05:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
To be honest it doesn't sound like it's working that great for you. If, as you say "you can take it or leave it", this may be a great time in which to leave it alone. For many heavy drinkers get to the point in time where they no longer have that choice.

Maybe a test of the (self-will) is in order ?
Can you stay sober for a week ?
Or a month ?

MM
You're right, hopefully the 6 days sober lead to many more, but you misunderstood my post. Alcohol affects me differently from those that can take it or leave it.

Unfortunately.
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Old 11-26-2014, 05:46 AM
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You can be grateful that you're not that guy.

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Old 11-26-2014, 05:53 AM
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Scottishbhoy, congrats on 6 days sober! All alcoholics are different. I never drank in the morning, never drove drunk....I was a "functioning alcohoolic". Frankly, it doesn't matter what you call it as long as you stay sober. This is a progressive problem so the guy on the barstool could very well be you in a few years.

I understand your post. You are assessing your relationship with alcohol and the good news is you are doing it sober. My hats off to you! Good job!
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Old 11-26-2014, 06:05 AM
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Hey, Scotty. Nice job on the 6 days sober.! I tended to compare my drinking with others, too. Never had a blackout, never drank in the morning, never had withdrawals, never had a driving ticket etc etc. But, I couldn't just not drink when I wanted to either. I tried and tried and tried but would always end up breaking my promise to myself. I think minimizing and comparing had a lot to do with the broken promise.
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Old 11-26-2014, 06:14 AM
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Well done on day 6 scottishboy
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by sprout50 View Post
Scottishbhoy, congrats on 6 days sober! All alcoholics are different. I never drank in the morning, never drove drunk....I was a "functioning alcohoolic". Frankly, it doesn't matter what you call it as long as you stay sober. This is a progressive problem so the guy on the barstool could very well be you in a few years.

I understand your post. You are assessing your relationship with alcohol and the good news is you are doing it sober. My hats off to you! Good job!
Wcelome, Scottishboy I' ll echo what Sprout said. ^^^^^


Glad you are with us !
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:32 PM
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The last month or so that I drank I had very little, compared to the majority of my drinking. I was controlling it and mostly successful. It did suck to not get a decent buzz so I got drunk every Friday. I just decided to stop because it was, and always had, negatively impacted my life.

I don't go to AA or anything else, just SR.

We are all different and labels are not important. I wanted a better life and all my facilities to achieve that. Why handicap yourself in an already difficult world to get a good house, financially secure, and the option to vacation wherever you want.

Not to mention the most important thing: happiness and being content

Congratulations to day 6 my Scottish brother!
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Old 11-26-2014, 12:58 PM
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I went through all the stages of alcoholism/problem drinking. I was a social drinker, binge-drinker, heavy drinker, functional alcoholic, and finally a physically addicted 24/7 alcoholic. I am a classic example of how unchecked alcoholism can progress to the point where it becomes your whole existence.

The warning signs were always there and I ignored them. It doesn't matter whether you need a drink in the morning, are physically addicted, or have lost your driver's license. If alcohol is causing problems in your life and you still drink despite it or you have trouble controlling your intake once you start drinking, then you have a problem that can easily progress to alcoholism.
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Old 11-26-2014, 01:01 PM
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Hey there. Wow....your AV wants you to drink more....your disease is not done with you yet! It hasn't made you suffer enough! That's what I hear in your post.

A few things about ME:
1. I am an alcoholic
2. I have NEVER consumed alcohol in the morning
3. I don't consume alcohol before 4:30 p.m.
4. I never drink every day (or even every other day)
5. Sometimes I go to a bar and have 2 or 3 beers but sometimes I have enough to kill me! I never know what I will do before I start drinking because I am powerless after that first sip.
6. I hate myself when I drink. I get depressed, major anxiety, self-hatred and the list goes on and on and on.
7. I DO get cravings...but not every day. Non-alcoholics do NOT EVER get cravings. (And they don't hang out on SR asking about their drinking patterns etc)
8. I may not drink every day or all day but it's what happens WHEN I drink that has convinced me that I am an alcoholic. It never ends well.
9. As time goes on....the disease progresses (sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) and all those "nevers" or "yets" will happen.
10. My good friend who drank like me 5 years ago is dead now. :-( Her disease progressed quickly...she was drinking all day every day at the end and now she is dead. Five years ago she only drank 1-2 times per week in the evenings...then it quickly progressed to 24/7 and now she's dead! :-(

Tell you AV to shut up! It's trying to trick you!

Hang in there! Your in my prayers! (Hug)
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